Daughter's dad hit her - dont know what to do

[Ineedahouse]

I split up with my Daughter's dad when she was two. She is now 10. He has always had a horrible temper- he rants and points a finger in your face when angry type of thing, calls you names, twists things you've said before to use against you, is belittling etc. Emotional rather than physical abuse. All valid reasons for me to leave him.

We've always had 50/50 care of DD and for the most part its been ok. Recently however he's been behaving the same to her. Ive had to pick her up from his twice as he's upset her with his shouting and name calling in the last few months. This week, he 'smacked' her - I'd say hit - on her bottom so hard the red mark was there for over an hour.

I picked her up straight away but she's uoset as he's said he 'doesnt want to see her for two weeks' which is basically silent treatment and I definitely don't want her to see him but I really don't know what to do now.

Do I report it? Do i carry on letting her see him? Do we have to go to court for custody - it's currently just our own agreed arrangement. She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him. I said he's crossed a line but then she told me he's hit her before when she was 7. They were on a walk and he smacked her in a field fgs.

Not that its relevant but she wasn't being naughty when this happened just saying something he didnt agree with and he lost his temper.

Report it, I know that’s hard if he’s abusive because it will make him worse but I think you need it on file for when she says she doesn’t want to se whim anymore (more likely to get the court to approve her being with you 100%} You could apply for a non contact order as well. I don’t think he will get into trouble for a smacked bottom (the law is a bit wishy washy) but it’s a bit like domestic abusive, it needs well documenting as could escalate and you’ll kick yourself if you don’t document the beginning.

When children are interviewed they aren’t taken to the police station, they are taken somewhere far more child friendly, usually dressed with sofas and toys etc, they are then spoken to by trained individuals who are used to working with children
it will be a conversation at her pace.

Children’s Services will already be alerted by the police and will likely call you, and best practice should be that they call him too. They should offer you both support and advice. What happens going forward will depend on you really, they can’t force you to accept help, they may be happy you are doing enough to support and protect your daughter already by stopping contact etc. They should tell you that if you are worried about the safety of your daughter then you can exercise your PR and withhold contact.

from what you have written I do worry that your daughter has been exposed to emotional abuse along with the physical harm, you have too and this is what she sees and thinks is ‘normal’ in my view you could both do with support around this, and I would work with DA services so that you can understand the impact of the emotional abuse you have suffered.

All the best x

Yes, and OP, make sure you get her to tell the interviewer about the time when she was 7, too. And ask if there have been any other times.

The video statement should be fine for your dd, as long as she is reassured and encouraged gently. She just needs to outline what happened. It won’t take long. By doing this, you are giving her the message that no one is allowed to harm and hurt her. This is so important.

An arrest would be a determining factor in the courts, they are likely to take it very seriously which will be protective for your child.

Report
Now
Explain to dd what he did was wrong. But there can be supervised contact so someone else can be there to look out for her

Not sure why you allowed your daughter to spend 50% of her time with an abusive man in the first place. This will not have been the first time he has emotionally /physically abused her and she will have absorbed the message that it's ok for men to teat her like that.

Report it, sometimes as a parent you have to make the hard decisions that may mean some short term consequences for the sake of longer term better outcomes. Both your ex & your daughter need it made clear that physical violence is unacceptable.

I shudder to think what else has gone on.

It sounds like you would also benefit from support and explore if there are is longer lasting impact on you from your experiences of DV from ex. This might have skewed your views on levels of contact etc. Your DD should not had unsupervised contact given your own experiences.

You need to model healthy relationships and boundaries and reporting to police and going through with her evidence is a good start.

The police should NOT be advising you that he will likely get a caution. Cautions can only be administered if the perpetrator admits the offence. How can they possibly know that a) your daughter will tell them what happened (kids sometimes deny incidents because they worry their parents will get into trouble) and b) he will admit that he did it.

Has your daughter told anyone else that it happened - school, GP, a social worker etc? If so, you have an official record which is really important for future legal proceedings as well as evidence of you do go down the route of asking the police to investigate. That would be my first priority.

As for pursuing a prosecution - only you know if your daughter can manage the interview and consequences. The police are usually pretty good at making video interviews as comfortable as possible for children. Personally I would do it for her long term protection (a conviction or caution is more likely to be taken serious by the family courts than a disclosure to a third party like school) but ultimately only you know what is best for your daughter and what she can cope with. But it’s important to think about her best interests long term not just short term.

You need to know that courts have routinely been giving unsupervised contact to men who were abusive to the child’s mother.

This is not the OP’s fault. The arrangement was what just about everyone has.

You absolutely report it. Stop contact, speak to police and social services and seek legal advice around contact if he tries to pursue it.

If she discloses this to school etc and says that you knew but did nothing then your parenting may need to be assessed as well. If you take the appropriate actions and report it yourself then you will be proving yourself a protective parent. Hitting her hard enough to leave a red mark for over an hour is very very hard and definitely abusive. Did you take any photos of the marks?

He needs to be seeing her in a contact centre at best. Your dd needs to know this was unacceptable and was not her fault and that she was absolutely right to tell you. If you don't take this forward then you're telling her that she deserves this by omission. She needs to see you step up to reinforce all the positive things you want her to grow up believing about herself.