Daughter's dad hit her - dont know what to do

[Ineedahouse]

I split up with my Daughter's dad when she was two. She is now 10. He has always had a horrible temper- he rants and points a finger in your face when angry type of thing, calls you names, twists things you've said before to use against you, is belittling etc. Emotional rather than physical abuse. All valid reasons for me to leave him.

We've always had 50/50 care of DD and for the most part its been ok. Recently however he's been behaving the same to her. Ive had to pick her up from his twice as he's upset her with his shouting and name calling in the last few months. This week, he 'smacked' her - I'd say hit - on her bottom so hard the red mark was there for over an hour.

I picked her up straight away but she's uoset as he's said he 'doesnt want to see her for two weeks' which is basically silent treatment and I definitely don't want her to see him but I really don't know what to do now.

Do I report it? Do i carry on letting her see him? Do we have to go to court for custody - it's currently just our own agreed arrangement. She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him. I said he's crossed a line but then she told me he's hit her before when she was 7. They were on a walk and he smacked her in a field fgs.

Not that its relevant but she wasn't being naughty when this happened just saying something he didnt agree with and he lost his temper.

Evidence! Take her to the GP to log it with them and let the school know. I personally wouldn't contact social services - and the legal route will get you no where. Unfortunately the family courts are obsessed with giving fathers their 'rights' and won't be remotely interested in a smack; neither will social services. She is nearly of an age where she can decide herself so I would be strategic in how you play this going forward. Log everything going forward, keep her home from contact because she is 'ill' and so on. Let him take you down the legal route to try and regain contact. Hopefully by the time the court process kicks in your daughter's own views will be taken into account.

This x

Im so sorry this is happening. Your poor daughter.
You need to start thinking about creating a paper trail of evidence for court. Ring the police to see if they can log it (although im not totally certain on the law here hut at leastbyou should get advice and a record) social services, then ring school.

Evidence. Save messages, take photos. Report it to the police and GP. You’re at a crucial moment right now that’s going to teach your daughter what a healthy relationship looks like. Do you really want to teach her that it’s ok for someone to hit her.

You report to social services and to police too. This is not because of what those services willdo(they may not do much) but because you may need evidence of this happening once the bruises have healed. You get an emergency court order to limit contact to only supervised at a contact centre where there will be other adults around to keep her safe. You do not facilitate any further unsupervised contact because if you do you are aiding and abbetting him in any future crimes against her.

Men like this have something wrong with their brains - they don't quite perceive anyone smaller and weaker than them as real people. If he had been in the same situation with someone of the same height and weight,he would never have thought of using physical violence to dominate them. He is not capable of adequate parenting so the 50:50 shared care is impossible.

Nope, do not let her go back. If you are in Scotland that is a criminal offence.

The GP will contact social services and how do you think the 'legal route' works? If he takes her to court she won't have a choice but there's nothing she needs to do legally to stop contact. I don't know why you assume social services won't be interested- it's a physical assault.

Not a chance i’d be sending my child back there

He left a mark that stayed for an hour. That’s not a smack that’s abuse.

I rescued my son from this abuse and made sure contact stopped until he was 18 through the courts. Your ex is just replacing you with her.

Contact social services and the police and tell them your ex is assaulting your daughter.

Don't leave her alone with her scumbag of a father.

You do need to make sure there’s evidence for the future. Ideally this means your Dd telling a professional without you prompting her/recording her. So, report it to school, social care, the police. Hopefully one of them will talk to her and ask what’s happened. And she needs to feel that telling them will help her stay safe. Then stop sending her to her dad’s for the weekend. I’d probably go for short supervised visits but only if Dd wants to go. Remember she’ll feel bad about not going and want to please everyone. Good luck!

Contact the police and if there is a mark, take a photo.

Also contact safeguarding lead at school would be a good idea.

Don't stop contact if you have a court order - seek legal advice first.

If no court order, you can let her decide if she is happy to go.

Smacking is only legal under the defence of "reasonable chastisement" so I would treat this as assault and see if everyone else will too.

Document it all op and get in touch with a solicitor. You need to protect your daughter from abuse.

Exactly this!

How could you a mother think any differently?!

she is 10 years old. A little girl.
You were able, as an adult, to remove yourself from this kind of behaviour, but she is just a baby, and she has no choice because you have decided 50-50.

He has physically assaulted her. And now is emotionally abusing her too, by rejecting her 'for a fortnight' - just because she said something he didnt agree with. How do you think the teenage years will go if he cant cope with a difference of opinion from a child.

I agree with the others - speak to the school and speak to social services.

And I would have a good heartfelt heart to heart with her so that she understands that this is not her fault - and that it lies squarely on his shoulders, and his character traits. Explain that is why you divorced. Make sure she knows its nothing to do with her personally, that he always behaves like this to anyone who disagrees with him.

The physical abuse is bad but the emotional withdrawal of love sort of behaviour can lead to awful self esteem issues

Family solicitor here! You have no CAO in place (that you mention?) so no you don’t have to allow her to go to his house - he can see a solicitor and ask you to mediate in the first instance. However as he has PR and there’s no CAO he doesn’t have to return her when he does have her either. In these situations it’s always advisable to have a legal order drawn up when one party can be unpredictable. However if you don’t fear he will come and take her then there’s no risk and you can just crack on and not send her to his house.

Police asap. And therapy for your daughter. Of course she loves him, he’s her dad. But she is an abused child, as hard as that is to hear.

You, left because you were being abused. He isn't a safe person for your daughter to see and has transferred his abuse from you to her now.
Tell the school to help you inform the police, get legal advice and take the issue to court if you need to get supervised contact. He can not see your daughter alone.

While it is great that you removed yourself from the abusive environment I feel sad for your DD that you didn’t report it and try and make your ex have supervised visits etc.

of course she loves him. and thats what makes it all the more confusing for her. she loves him. she hates him. she is scared of him. she wants to please him and have him love her again.

all these things can be true at once

which is why the mum needs to be the adult here and show her that this is HIS character fault, that he has history. And to protect her. To remove the choice of whether she sees him or not from the child, and perhaps, via social services, from the family itself, so that, as teenage rolls in, mum cant be 'blamed' for ruining their relationship - as you can bet your life that dad wont accept blame / responsibility if its just kept between the three of them.

Do the school have access to councelling or referral. I think that your daughter really needs a safe neutral space to deal with these big feelings

SS won't be interested as OPs DD lives with her, isn't exposed to her father's abuse day to day and mother can protect by not allowing contact. The advice will be to go to court to get contact order and not allow DD with her father on her own. They will however be interested if OP allows DD to be with her father and be abused again.

This. School will tell you what to do. Ask to speak to their safeguarding team , tell them there was a handmark long after he had smacked her. They will offer her support

I know a fair bit about family law and from personal experience of almost this exact scenario, your best steps are to contact social services (yes really, that’s the process) and your solicitor if you have one (this will likely be free if you have ever called the police on him for domestic abuse or have any other documented evidence of Domestic abuse as legal aid is provided in cases of domestic abuse). If you don’t already have a solicitor, search for a family law one in your local area which takes legal aid. There will be at least one

This is wildly incorrect please do not spout misinformation! I have been here and was advised by my barrister to report to social services like you would any other abusive parent - this is the correct process ffs