Daughter's dad hit her - dont know what to do

[Ineedahouse]

I split up with my Daughter's dad when she was two. She is now 10. He has always had a horrible temper- he rants and points a finger in your face when angry type of thing, calls you names, twists things you've said before to use against you, is belittling etc. Emotional rather than physical abuse. All valid reasons for me to leave him.

We've always had 50/50 care of DD and for the most part its been ok. Recently however he's been behaving the same to her. Ive had to pick her up from his twice as he's upset her with his shouting and name calling in the last few months. This week, he 'smacked' her - I'd say hit - on her bottom so hard the red mark was there for over an hour.

I picked her up straight away but she's uoset as he's said he 'doesnt want to see her for two weeks' which is basically silent treatment and I definitely don't want her to see him but I really don't know what to do now.

Do I report it? Do i carry on letting her see him? Do we have to go to court for custody - it's currently just our own agreed arrangement. She loves him and is upset - she wants to see him. I said he's crossed a line but then she told me he's hit her before when she was 7. They were on a walk and he smacked her in a field fgs.

Not that its relevant but she wasn't being naughty when this happened just saying something he didnt agree with and he lost his temper.

That is awful, seek help immediately and let your daughter know it won't happen anymore.

This is very hard OP but imagine you were watching a friend repeatedly return to an abusive husband. It would be hearbreaking and you’d know it was wrong and you’d be praying she would leave him and wishing you could make the decision for her.

Your DD loves her DF because she is a child and she is dependent on him and doesnt have the life experience to make the right judgement call. You on the other hand do. You can make the decision for her. Please dont minimise this or allow others (including your DD) to minimise it. Protect your DD.

You left him because he was an abusive partner, why should your daughter put up with exactly the same abuse that caused you to leave? You are her parent, so keep her safe. Get social services, a lawyer and the Police involved. Make sure you tell your daughter she is not at fault, that her father is abusive and that you are making a decision to involve outside agencies and it is being done because her father is not safe to be left alone with her.

Contact the police and report his bahaviour as child abusee, emotional abuse.

This is a massive safeguarding issue OP, you need to get this loser charged and remember, your DD will be emotionlly scarred and could have PTSD over it.

Stop her having contact with him and also contact social services to make them aware.

Phone the police.
Phone the school - advise them he is not to collect her.
Phone a solicitor.

A grown man hit your child.

I so agree. She us being pulled into the cycle women know so well: the enraged hit, the following pulling away and coldness, her longing to see him again and thinking it is all her fault, then his reeling her in and the big emotional reunion like a hit of heroin … until the next time.

Police.

it’s the only option. If you don’t you’ll be implicated in failing to safeguard your child and that’s a whole new raft of issues for you.

( apart from the fact that he could seriously hurt / kill her - he’s loosing his temper at something a 10yr old said FFS)

Contact police to file a report, and social workers so that he is on their system. Also email the solicitor who dealt with custody. Explain to them all that his anger is escalating and has resulted in physical abuse, so you intend to keep her away from him for now and would like it on record that this is the reason, if any access issues occur.

Promise her that you will keep her safe and that he isn't allowed to hit her. He will get in trouble with police if he does.

You're clearly a victim yourself and mentally not well to think you could possibly send her back and to talk about how much she loves him.

You don't allow contact. At all. You contact the police. And let him hire a solicitor to come after you.

If you let her go back and if you don't stress to her how wrong his behaviour is, you are teaching her that this is what men do and what she can expect from future relationships.

Social worker here with over 30 years experience!!!! I didn't say that OP shouldn't report to SS in fact in my previous I stated she should inform the police who would have to report to SS. An assessment would be completed and they may refer to early help or freedom programme. It wouldn't be a high priority case as DDs father is not in the home (no need for the FFS!!)

Call 101 and report it. I live in Wales and it's illegal here. Police can then signpost to social services and elsewhere. It needs to be recorded.

My relationship with my mother has been so damaged by the fact she didn’t protect me from my violent and emotionally abusive father. Growing up around fear and volatility can have awful and far reaching / lifelong impacts. Deep breath, and find your fury on her behalf. Supervised visits via social services if she really wants to keep seeing him.

You tell her that unfortunately she can't go back there because it's not a safe environment for her. The first priority is that she is protected from physical and emotional harm and unfortunately, although she loves him, her father cannot be trusted to do this.

Then you report this to the police.

It’s particularly unsettling that he has hit a 10yo girl so hard on the bottom.

As someone had already said - speak to the safeguarding lead at your daughters School
tomorrow. They will do a referral to Children’s Service and a strategy meeting will be arranged with professional network (police/ health/school/ children’s services) and a decision made on next steps - child protection or child in need. They will work with you and Dad from there to ensure things change - if they don’t see change from Dad over time, they will support/advise you on next steps.
reporting this via the school means 1) they can also put in pastoral support for your daughter 2) Dad can’t accuse you of reporting to CS - the School have done it.
I am a safeguarding lead in a School and am sure that your daughters School will want to support as she is also likely presenting differently in School with this happening in her life.
I am sorry this is happening but again, like others have said, you need to show your daughter this is not OK.

Wrong thread.

No you don’t allow contact. You report it to the police, and speak with your child’s school and you stop contact at least currently until you get advice to protect your daughter and seek legal advice and make an application to court if needed around contact arrangements etc. Social services referral will also likely be made by police and / or school so they can also advise and support.

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies and all the advice on what to do next. I'm sorry I couldn't reply sooner but it was a long day.

I contacted safeguarding at school and she also said to contact the police. I did and an officer came to our house last night.

He advised three options. The strongest was to file the report and my ex would be arrested and taken in for questioning. The other options were both to file a report but not give evidence. That then remains on file and if anything occurs again within 6 months it can be classed as evidence in behaviour but outside of 6 months it can't. But with both those options either he gets a warning visit from the police or nothing happens to him at all.

With the arrest, my daughter would have to go to the police station and give a video statement. I'm worried about the impact of doing this so wanted to ask if anyone had experience of what this is like?

Im also in the UK - west lancs - if that's helpful.

She won't be going back to his either. She keeps saying she wants to see him 'like normal' and how much she loves him and im heartbroken for her.

Thanks for reading this far. If anyone has more advice or experience Id love to hear what's next after an arrest is made. The police said he'd likely get a caution.

Smacking her is bad enough, but to do it just because he didn't agree with what she said? Jesus. Your poor kid. Yes, get in touch with Social Services and a solicitor and whoever else is appropriate. Your ex should not look after her until he can control his temper. The court might stop access and order him to take parenting classes.

I agree with everyone else. I grew up surrounded by abusive men, and the areas where my mother was able to draw the line are the areas where I can easily too. The behaviours where she didn’t are still very difficult for me to manage. This is programming her what to expect and agree to from men - do your very best to influence that.

if your daughter can manage to give a statement at the police station, then file the full report. that gives you a solid basis to cut all future contact and help your daughter understand that what her dad did was entirely wrong.

OP, re. your update, I vote for the arrest. He MUST learn that he cannot treat his daughter like this.

Protect your daughter, keep her away from this abusive man.

Get him arrested. Support your DD to do the best option because it will provide LONGER term protection.

6 months is nothing and he will scare her so much that she may not feel able to report the next assault.

You report it to police/SS. Your daughter does not go there again and you seek full custody through the courts