Feeling such grief at the thought of never having another child

[Chick981]

Not really sure what board to post this on but I am struggling so much with the decision to stick at two kids.

Logically it’s the right decision, we have a three bedroom house, a nice car but not a 7 seater, and enough money that we can afford some days out and cheap holidays without worry. I’m 38, have got my career in a good place. Youngest is 2.5 so feel like we are emerging from the trenches.

But I absolutely long for another more than anything. I get so jealous of people with three kid families. I genuinely feel so upset at the thought of not having another one. Getting rid of the baby gear is just an absolute no.

Why do I feel like this and will it pass? Have others felt this way?

I feel like an outsider in my friendship group, they’ve all known they were ‘done’ with one or two.

I know I should be (and am) absolutely grateful for having two healthy kids. I can even picture a brilliant life with two kids where we can holiday more and get a bit more independence and sleep back. But that never seems to make up for how I feel about a third.

Yes, I felt like this too. And yes, I got past it. It took a while, but my feelings changed and now I look at my two lovely young adult children and I do not feel there is anyone missing.

Quite honestly for me the regret of not having a third became really painful. So we went for it. She’s 3.5 months old with a bigger gap between her and the older ones and she’s brought us so much joy already. But there are lots of reasons people stick at 2. All the best x

@Emelene thats how I feel, it genuinely feels painful

@Waitingfordoggo thank you that’s reassuring

@Chick981 when considering having another child it's not just finances you need to think about but how much time you have to give to each child. Another child will be another school play, parent evening to go to. More homework, more reading to help with. More hobbies to be involved with eg being on parent rota with scout group, watching football matches, just being taxi. If you struggle with that now, or haven't yet had to think about that, it is something to consider.

I think 'grief' is the right word. You don't feel complete and the grief emanates from feeling like you've been denied a third child. Feelings are complex and difficult to understand at times, so it's no wonder confusion sets in when trying to understand what's going on in your mind.

Do whatever you feel is right. Everything falls into place in the end. It always does even it doesn't feel right in the present.

OP, it sounds as if not having a third is so painful for you that maybe you SHOULD have another one after all. 💐

We stopped after 2 and I was devastated.

I got over it.

It took about 10 years, then eventually I realised that it wasn't the Thing That Was Wrong With My Life any more.

That was about 10 years ago, and I no longer even imagine a third in my fantasy life.

I have a similar feeling - similar age with one and one child same as your youngest I am so so so sad that I can’t have another right now as I’m so broody but also no space or energy to do alone and i don’t think it’s really fair one one sibling to have an involved dad and not the other

I get what you mean but I did the same for similar reasons, sensible brain, 2 is enough, irrational brain wanted more children. As it happens I now have 2 step children, life does change

Some of us never feel done. I felt this way so had 2 more.

I was heartbroken when I was sterilised, sobbing in pre-op.

Hormones have a lot to answer for.

Age really plays a part in this as well, many women get broody round the late 30s/early 40s. Hormones are telling you it might be last chance to have a baby. But doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right thing to do. Definitely needs to be head over heart decision.

So even if you think you will be done at 3 and have your third child, your hormones might try and tell you different!

And if you can’t bear the idea of not having little baby/toddler, try and look forward to the new phases you are entering in with your existing children not cling onto the previous phases. You are probably going to have the double joy of peri/menopause and teenagers, not sure I would want to add an extra teenager into that mix 😂

A really mixed bag of responses, really appreciate hearing that if we stick at two then chances are I won’t regret it. But also those who are saying to go for it and it will work out.

I think my biggest fear is making the wrong decision (I’m terribly indecisive, I can’t even order meal at a restaurant usually without being plagued with indecision for fear of food regret) so if nothing else this thread has reassured me that no matter what happens, chances are in 10 years time I will be content.

Just curious, what did you end up doing??