Feeling such grief at the thought of never having another child

[Chick981]

Not really sure what board to post this on but I am struggling so much with the decision to stick at two kids.

Logically it’s the right decision, we have a three bedroom house, a nice car but not a 7 seater, and enough money that we can afford some days out and cheap holidays without worry. I’m 38, have got my career in a good place. Youngest is 2.5 so feel like we are emerging from the trenches.

But I absolutely long for another more than anything. I get so jealous of people with three kid families. I genuinely feel so upset at the thought of not having another one. Getting rid of the baby gear is just an absolute no.

Why do I feel like this and will it pass? Have others felt this way?

I feel like an outsider in my friendship group, they’ve all known they were ‘done’ with one or two.

I know I should be (and am) absolutely grateful for having two healthy kids. I can even picture a brilliant life with two kids where we can holiday more and get a bit more independence and sleep back. But that never seems to make up for how I feel about a third.

When you get to fifty I reckon it’s unlikely you will regret not having a third. We are the opposite thank god we didn’t and stopped at 2. Going through 3 lots of teen years whilst in peri menopause plus the expense is massive if you want to do right by them.

@Chick981 I did have three but longed for another.
I love babies and the baby phase so much.

I had to realise that even having another would not be enough and I was just wired to be broody. I had to remind myself that I had lovely children and was very lucky but it took a long long time for me to come to peace with it.

So just to say you might always want one more...

I also loved being a mum to little people, it's very rewarding.

So to bridge the gap I started volunteering with a children's group. I get an hour a week to play and craft and listen to the long, rambling stories of some very cute 4-5yo year olds and hand them back for all the awkward exhausting bits.

It really has helped and I'm now feeling quite over the small child stage 🤣

Just do it. You want one. You won’t regret it. Life is too short. Follow your gut and your heart. You’re putting walls in place for yourself that don’t need to be there.

I would just go for it!

I don’t understand why you would need a seven seater car for five of you? I can fit two adults and three kids in my Fiesta!

If you can make it work now is the time to do it.

@Zempy To be fair I’ve not looked into, I just always see on these threads that you need a bigger car!

Thanks to all who have commented on this post. I think it’s made me realise that actually I really do want a third despite knowing all the reasons it wouldn’t be the best idea on paper. Going to wait until after Christmas and see how I feel and in the meantime have a proper chat (again) with partner (no hate for the fact we’re not married thanks, I’m in a much stronger financial position than him).

I still feel like this and mine are teenagers! I was chatting to my neighbour who is 70 and she said, “Ooh yes, I’m still broody, I’d love another baby”.
I don’t think that feeling ever goes away it does fade a little over time though.

I didn't have a seven seater. There are 5 seat cars that will fit 3 car seats across the back.

Well maybe he needs to look at his financial position!

Have you factored in university costs (which are rising). Many young people can’t afford to move out and are staying at home until mid 20s to 30s.

Have you factored in possibility of special needs.

Hormones can have an impact around this age, giving you the urge to have another child. What happens if your hormones still make you think this way after baby number 3?

You hear women saying they want (another) baby, but you know what you never hear? “Sweetie, know what our family is missing? A sullen, moody teenager who stomps around, slamming doors and yelling about how no one understands them.”

They don’t stay babies. Teenagers are very stressful and also expensive. Keep telling yourself that.

@sittingonabeach Sorry I didn’t mean to make it flippantly sound like I’m taking advantage of him by not marrying him! I just meant that I’m not financially worse off by not being married and I am the breadwinner out of the two of us. We have been saving for both kids since they were born, as have my parents, though to be honest I think there are a lot of better options out there today than just going to uni and getting a degree. But that’s a whole other debate!

You see, I think it would have really benefitted my 2 boys to have another sibling. I always regret only having 2. I wanted 3.

Will you still have those savings if you have to buy larger house/car? If child has special needs and one of you have to reduce working hours, will you still be financially stable. Government want about 75% young people to be in higher education or training, so assume some financial support will be required during those years

@sittingonabeach higher education or training absolutely, but a lot of that isn’t on a par with the tuition fees and living expenses that comes with attending uni.

Yes we could still afford to put the same amount of savings into kids and a third.

The house worries me - we have a large three bed and our two currently share and I want them to share for a few years yet as they have a huge room and I think it’s nice to share.

SEN - could have said the same about a first or even a second. Less concerned about this, more concerned about possibility of multiples.

I think my eldest would benefit from a third…. The second not so much 🙈 But then he is deep in the terrible twos.

One is fun, two is plenty, three is…… a lot more expensive and effort!
Cars, holidays, entrance fees, child care, all the other stuff - clothes, school uniforms, getting all three successfully through school and their teenage years etc etc.
Plus the obvious fact that they don’t stay cute little babies for long!
Id have loved four…..in the right circumstances but realistically two was totally enough. And I felt so fortunate to have had two not zero that no way was I wanting to push for more when two was already awesome.
I know it’s not what you want to hear but I’d consider something else. A new hobby, a pet, a new career!

Just coming on here to say have the 3rd if you can afford it. Life’s too short to live with regret

FWIW I didn’t think I could have a second and didn’t feel done at all, like I was alway meant to have 2. Once I was pregnant with the second I absolutely knew I wouldn’t be doing it again, I was done.
No regrets at all. Good luck with whatever you decide x

@Okiedokie123 We have two dogs and I love (LOVE) my job but I do completely get your point, thank you. I regularly also think about adding a third dog 😅

I've found it never really goes away, it comes in waves. Mine are almost 9 and 11 and over the years it has come in waves. Partially the reason I ended up with a puppy and then 2 years later 2 kittens 😅

If you really want another child and your partner does too then why not.

I must be hard hearted as soon as dd2 was at school I was well over the whole idea. Couldn’t imagine much worse than going back to zero and teenagers although fab are full on and extremely expensive. Two is definitely sufficient.

@Chick981 multiples are more likely the older you are. What happens if your two don’t want to share for much longer. If you have a girl your boys would have to continue sharing

@sittingonabeach I’m well aware, hence saying that’s a concern. I plan on the boys sharing for some time regardless of whether or not we have a third and regardless of whether they want to.