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Original poster

4 year old called a disabled child a baby

68 replies

Orcamajorca · 29/10/2025 19:52

My 4 year old DS at the park today apparently looked at a disabled older child who had a dummy and called him a baby in mean tone (relayed from MIL as I’d taken my youngest to the toilet but she wouldn’t lie). MIL told him off and apologised to the parents but I’m mortified after hearing this. He’s only just turned 4 and logically, I know this doesn’t mean he’s on the path to being a total dickhead but I’m feeling a lot of shame about what happened today. DS cried and apologised again when we got home after a bloody firm chat about not saying hurtful words to people. However, I feel really upset at the thought of this child and his parents going away and feeling like crap over what DS said.

OP posts:
Whereismyfleeceblanket · 29/10/2025 19:54

He associated a dummy with a baby. Surely that OK? Maybe an opportunity to discuss other 'sorts' of dc.... As a dc dd pointed out a man in a turbun. First time seeing one she was curious... Kids notice things and need explanations..

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/10/2025 19:56

He’s 4, I think it’s likely he hasn’t had the experience before of understanding disabilities in other children and made a mistake. He absolutely did need telling off and that happened in the moment, it then needed a brief chat to understand everybody is different and we don’t judge etc, not you overdoing it telling him off again, making him cry and carrying this ‘shame’ with you. He’s a kid, he’s learning. If you can’t make a mistake at 4 years old it’s a bloody sad world.

Hadalifeonce · 29/10/2025 19:56

I don't think he called him a baby because of the disability, it was because of the dummy.

Cat1504 · 29/10/2025 19:57

He’s 4…he got it wrong

Hallywally · 29/10/2025 19:58

He’s four years old. He doesn’t have prejudices or malice or the ability to state things to be mean. Your reaction is far worse than what he actually said. FGS, he’s still a baby himself 🙄

Hellvellyn · 29/10/2025 19:58

I can’t believe you had a firm chat with him. Poor child is just saying what he sees. Of course a 4 year old thinks dummy=baby. You should have used it as a teaching moment, not made him upset. I think you owe your child a big apology

savoycabbage · 29/10/2025 19:59

You’ve done what you can, you weren’t there and when you were you have made it clear to your son that it was not the right thing to do.

You only have it on your MIL’smsay so that he did it in a mean voice.

The other parents might be sad but there is nothing you can do about that now.

When my dd was four, a boy said to her ‘why are you dirty’ (she’s brown) and the dad was absolutely mortified. He apologised, he told the boy off, he apologised some more etc. I wasn’t sad and neither was dd. It’s just a part of life really, that sometimes people say things to you.

TinkerbellStarbright · 29/10/2025 20:00

Poor kid doesn’t need to be shamed, he’ll be terrified to speak before you know it. He saw a dummy and thought that meant baby. Why not use it as a learning opportunity not to give him a bollocking??

arcticpandas · 29/10/2025 20:00

He was probably jealous that he's not allowed to have one anymore 😅. Your Mil did a good job and so did you. Now don't go to hard on him and try to generalise the discussion to about not hurting people's feelings in general. Social stories are great to increase empathy and understanding. But I don't worry about him since he's got a mum and gm who seem very keen on helping him out😉.

Bitzee · 29/10/2025 20:00

He’s only just 4. Kids just repeat what we tell them which for anyone that’s tried to wean a 3YO off the dummy will likely include lines like dummies are for babies or you don’t need it now you’re a big boy and the dummy fairy will bring you a toy instead. I’d be pretty cross that MIL told him off tbh. He hasn’t been deliberately unkind or naughty by the sounds of it and IMO a gentle chat was all that was needed about people’s differences. And you are wayyy over reacting. It’s a teaching moment- teach him and move on.

BeenChangedForGood · 29/10/2025 20:01

My 4yo came home from nursery calling a new child a baby because he wore nappies. He’s not a baby, he’s also 4 and has disabilities. I just took it as an opportunity to correct him and remind him that everyone is different.

OSTMusTisNT · 29/10/2025 20:01

Did your DS ever experience anyone being a bit mean to him when he still had a dummy and saying thing like "big boys don't have dummies" and that's stuck in his mind? Maybe an older grandparent or nursery worker etc?

Just seems strange that he would even think that to say it.

Mebie · 29/10/2025 20:01

The parents aren’t going to be thinking anything realistically and you’ve really over thought it. He wasn’t being mean or ableist, to a very small child, dummy = baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2025 20:04

If by firm talk you mean you told him off for getting something wrong then I think that was an over reaction. He knows babies have dummies, he wasn’t being intentionally cruel.

arcticpandas · 29/10/2025 20:04

Hellvellyn · 29/10/2025 19:58

I can’t believe you had a firm chat with him. Poor child is just saying what he sees. Of course a 4 year old thinks dummy=baby. You should have used it as a teaching moment, not made him upset. I think you owe your child a big apology

But Mil said he said it in a nasty way not just stating facts. My DS who's autistic can be very blunt but it's so obvious that he's innocent so nobody really minds (he gets told what's not aporopriate to say obviously). 4 year olds can tease and be vile and according to Mil this is what happened and she and the OP dealt with. I wish all parents/gm were like that.

Seawolves · 29/10/2025 20:05

My 5 year old is that 'baby', severely disabled and sometimes still needs a dummy especially when he's in pain or is in a new environment. I honestly don't feel upset when a young child looks at my little boy, sees the dummy and puts two and two together and comes up with 'baby'. I wouldn't expect the child to be told off but would like to see that the situation is explained to them. Go easy on him, he's still learning about the world around him.

I'd go a lot easier on your four year old than I would on the dickhead who looked at my clearly disabled child in his wheelchair and said "At least he can't run away".

manineed · 29/10/2025 20:07

Just explain to him. Tbh I think many many parents experience some sort of awkward moment where their toddler or very young child innocently but loudly points out something about someone’s age/skin colour/age/weight/disability.

Livpool · 29/10/2025 20:12

I think it was most likely the dummy. When DS was about 3 he asked (loudly) why the “big man” next to him could have a pushchair when we had told him he was too old/big for one. Obviously the man was disabled - I was mortified but the man was more gracious than we deserved and explained to DS that his legs didn’t work.

You explain that we are all different and that’s that surely

crumpetswithcheeze · 29/10/2025 20:12

Hellvellyn · 29/10/2025 19:58

I can’t believe you had a firm chat with him. Poor child is just saying what he sees. Of course a 4 year old thinks dummy=baby. You should have used it as a teaching moment, not made him upset. I think you owe your child a big apology

Agree

SpidersAreShitheads · 29/10/2025 20:27

As the parent of a much older disabled child, I really wouldn't worry.

To start with, the parent of the disabled child will have heard much worse things. Also, your DM apologised and that will have gone a long way.

Secondly, your boy is still very young. He saw a dummy and associated that with being a baby. The good thing is that you're able to use this moment to discuss how some children have differing needs and how it's not OK to be mean because they're different.

I'm sure the parents of the child aren't going to be dwelling on it - young children can be thoughtless about all kinds of things and your DM acted swiftly. Our young children don't always get things right, but what counts is how we deal with it.

Don't fret over this. Truly.

Notmyreality · 29/10/2025 20:31

Hallywally · 29/10/2025 19:58

He’s four years old. He doesn’t have prejudices or malice or the ability to state things to be mean. Your reaction is far worse than what he actually said. FGS, he’s still a baby himself 🙄

This. Youre so obsessed with not offending some stranger that you’ve lost all sense of reason.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 29/10/2025 20:31

I think you've both been really hard on him here. No wonder he's crying, he's pretty bloody confused. All this took was explaining that not everyone who has a dummy is a baby, same as not everyone who has long hair is a boy. Done.

WhereAreMyKids · 29/10/2025 20:32

I do think you took it a bit far, the child is 4, a young 4 at that. It was an opportunity for him to learn about differences and understand everyone has different needs. An open conversation would do more than a telling off. It is the norm that dummies are for babies. As others have said so are bottles, nappies and buggies.

As a parent of a disabled 9 year old all those things are still a part of our lives but I wouldn't judge a young child for making a comment, it's all they've seen and been told so they can grow and develop into their next stage. Young children are generally proud of their growing knowledge and independence and love a chance to show it off.

It may have been said in a mean tone but I doubt there was the understanding there for it to be truly mean. A telling off shuts down the questions and answers children need to learn understanding and empathy to others.

Namechangerage · 29/10/2025 20:35

This seems very OTT. He’s only 4, he associates a baby with a dummy. You’re assuming it was said in a mean way, but how do you or MIL really know that?

Even if he did, you pull him up on it quickly and matter of factly. You don’t totally shame him and assume he’s a mean kid. Seems a really strange reaction to me.

Edit to add: he got told off at the time, and then you tell him off again at home?? That’s way way OTT. You could have used the chance for a chat with him at home - “Do you know why grandma told you off today, it’s because xyz” But no you stick the boot in again and make him cry?!

Dollymylove · 29/10/2025 20:44

He's 4 not 14 FFS give the lad a break. A gentle chat about it would suffice. Not a lecture!!

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