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Original poster

4 year old called a disabled child a baby

68 replies

Orcamajorca · 29/10/2025 19:52

My 4 year old DS at the park today apparently looked at a disabled older child who had a dummy and called him a baby in mean tone (relayed from MIL as I’d taken my youngest to the toilet but she wouldn’t lie). MIL told him off and apologised to the parents but I’m mortified after hearing this. He’s only just turned 4 and logically, I know this doesn’t mean he’s on the path to being a total dickhead but I’m feeling a lot of shame about what happened today. DS cried and apologised again when we got home after a bloody firm chat about not saying hurtful words to people. However, I feel really upset at the thought of this child and his parents going away and feeling like crap over what DS said.

OP posts:
northernwinds · 29/10/2025 20:46

Hallywally · 29/10/2025 19:58

He’s four years old. He doesn’t have prejudices or malice or the ability to state things to be mean. Your reaction is far worse than what he actually said. FGS, he’s still a baby himself 🙄

Four year olds can absolutely be mean.

I am sure the OPs little boy wasn’t intentionally being so.

The OP has dealt with it; would people rather she didn’t? This pile on is really unpleasant.

Happyholidays78 · 29/10/2025 20:47

Ah this is tricky I had an adult auntie who was severely & physically very disabled, she used to make 'baby' sounds. Lot's of children used to stare at her & point whilst I pushed her in her wheelchair & it used to really upset 11 year old me but my nanny (her mum) would say 'they are not used to seeing very disabled people' & I suspect this is what it was (along with the dummy), honestly don't tell them off but maybe have an age appropriate chat about disability/differences. Good luck

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/10/2025 20:53

northernwinds · 29/10/2025 20:46

Four year olds can absolutely be mean.

I am sure the OPs little boy wasn’t intentionally being so.

The OP has dealt with it; would people rather she didn’t? This pile on is really unpleasant.

Show quote history

She can deal with it without being mean to her kid and making him cry over it and being OTT with the ‘shame’. He didn’t kill anyone

pimplebum · 29/10/2025 20:53

As the parent of a sen child with a facial difference I have been on receiving end and can firmly say your reaction was a tad ott

yes apologise and use it as a learning moment but to make your child cry and all the hand wringing was way over thinking

us SEN parents are made of sterner stuff , yes strangers can get us down for sure but a 4 year old innocent comments will not .

Overthemhills · 29/10/2025 20:59

I have a physically disabled DD who is nonverbal. A poor mum was mortified when her little boy (around 4) pointed DD out saying look at the scary girl.
I was completely fine with it (and told her so). I understand how young children find children who look different from their peers or the general public and use wheelchairs will react.
Im absolutely not fine with the adults who have stared at her and wrinkled their noses in disgust or the complete strangers (adults) who have asked if I knew she would be disabled before she was born. They are pure cunts, pardon my language.

Renoonabudget · 29/10/2025 21:03

Most 4 year olds, unless they have siblings with disabilities, have no real real concept of disability or ablism. Fair enough to apologise on their behalf, but you just need to explain disability to your child in an age appropriate way not have a firm word (have a firm word with yourself if you need to hand wring). Its not their fault they've never had much exposure to disabled people and associate dummies with babies. Your average 4 year old will have nearly zero social filter and very limited impulse control when it comes to saying what they see.

SailingYachty · 29/10/2025 21:04

MIL and you are massively over thinking this as others have said. I actually think you should say sorry to your son for making him cry over something he didn’t realise was wrong.

stichguru · 29/10/2025 21:05

I think it's great that you are thinking deeply about this OP and THAT makes you a fab mother. I am disabled and I want to ask you this: Does your child often meet disabled people and does he usually bully/tease/make fun of them?

My guess is the answers to this are no and no. This being the case, I think he has only seen babies with dummies and has no knowledge that non-babies might have dummies. The logical link here "is person with dummy = baby". I don't think you need to be worried that he likes bullying people or is turning into a bully, you just need to have a chat with him about how some people don't develop in the same way, or get hurt and so some of their development is undone and so they may still do some things that babies do. If this is new information for him, he just had no idea that someone could have a dummy if they weren't a baby, so that's something you have to teach him.

FullOfMomsense · 29/10/2025 21:07

He's a child, and you haven't discussed disabled people with him so he doesn't know better? Just educate him, show him photos and videos of disabled activists or tv presenters. Why are you telling him off for your shortcomings?

BadgernTheGarden · 29/10/2025 21:13

He didn't need telling off for this, he needed it explaining that some children have problems but it doesn't mean they are babies if they still use a dummy. I
imagine he may still have no idea why he got into trouble.

Nearly50omg · 29/10/2025 21:20

4 year olds can be vindictive nasty little arseholes! I wouldn’t have believed it myself until my son had to go through 6 months of hell at school due to a nasty little shit that was extremely calculating and psychologically nasty to him! I was amazed at the thought the little shit put into making my child’s life miserable and the kid also came up to me bold as brass and told me what he’d done and said to my child one day in such a nasty tone he sounded like a 40 year old not 4

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/10/2025 21:24

Nearly50omg · 29/10/2025 21:20

4 year olds can be vindictive nasty little arseholes! I wouldn’t have believed it myself until my son had to go through 6 months of hell at school due to a nasty little shit that was extremely calculating and psychologically nasty to him! I was amazed at the thought the little shit put into making my child’s life miserable and the kid also came up to me bold as brass and told me what he’d done and said to my child one day in such a nasty tone he sounded like a 40 year old not 4

What has that got to do with anything? The way you talk about small children is vile

Original poster
Orcamajorca · 29/10/2025 21:29

Thank you for all your responses. It’s fair to say I probably didn’t handle it amazingly with DS when we got home but I didn’t shout at him and just used the stern voice about saying hurtful words (to which he started to cry and said sorry) it was very brief and at the time I felt like I’d done the right thing. I did attempt to explain about how some people were different but I could see he was looking confused. Social stories are a good shout - thank you, I’ll look into that.

His friend has an autistic older brother and he understands that he sometimes needs space but DS adores him and always tries to involve him in their play. He’s not had any direct experience with other kids with disabilities though.

OP posts:
MCF86 · 29/10/2025 21:47

When I studied child development I remember we talked about how a child given their first cup of water in a red cup will think all red cups contain water (or all water comes in a red cup), until they learn by experience that it is not the case. I'd say this is the same sort of thing. Your dc has always known that babies use dummies. This was the first time that's been challenged. I'd wager that it was confusion, rather than any meanness.

Namechangerage · 29/10/2025 23:21

It just feels a bit performative, like you care more about what people will think rather than empathising with your 4 year old and why he might have said that (and how to use the moment to teach him rather than give him a complex)

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/10/2025 23:24

Hellvellyn · 29/10/2025 19:58

I can’t believe you had a firm chat with him. Poor child is just saying what he sees. Of course a 4 year old thinks dummy=baby. You should have used it as a teaching moment, not made him upset. I think you owe your child a big apology

Yep this.

coxesorangepippin · 30/10/2025 01:33

Needs carefully explaining about disabilities

And obviously keeping comments to ourselves

QuickPeachPoet · 30/10/2025 02:02

Your poor son! He associates dummies with Abbies - how the heck do you expect him to have the reasoning and capacity to understand complex cognitive disabilities. HE IS 4. You should be the ones apologising to him for making him upset and explaining it to him in an age appropriate way.

Kirbert2 · 30/10/2025 02:18

He's 4. Seriously, don't worry.

My son is disabled and it doesn't bother me at all when a small child makes a comment like that.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/10/2025 02:29

Storm in a tea cup. Of course a four year old will associate a dummy with babies. He’s far too young to be able to undergo an older child may have one.

Topseyt123 · 30/10/2025 03:58

I can see why you are mortified, and I would have been too.

At 4 though he very probably just fixated on the dummy and to him babies have dummies, so he said that.

I think he absolutely did need telling off at the time, but that's done now. I wouldn't go so far as to apologise for it, but I would sit down and explain to him that sometimes there are reasons why things are different for certain children/other people, that we mustn't judge or comment because it isn't nice for them and that is why you were so cross with him yesterday.

Caleb64 · 30/10/2025 04:01

I don’t think you took it too far, I applaud you as a Mum of a disabled child. You can let it go now though, it’s done snd you’ve nipped it in the bud ❤️

Salvadoridory · 30/10/2025 05:40

People are so desperate for a right on pat on thr back they will throw their own 4 year old under the bus. Jesus.

Blueberry911 · 30/10/2025 05:40

You say yourself he's had no experience of anyone with a disability and yet he's been shouted at by two adults for making a perfectly logical statement - babies have dummies.
What a huge over reaction! Poor kid!!

MsSara · 30/10/2025 05:56

I wouldn’t have given him a telling off after his grandmother already had. I’d have just chatted to him about it to see what he had learned. He’s only 4!
My daughter, when she was around that age spotted a little person/person with dwarfism. I could see the surprise in her face, and the (mortifyingly) the mirth emerging. I managed to divert her before full on giggles. She was 4 or 5, had never seen a little person. No need to over react, we just had a chat and she learned something.