4 year old called a disabled child a baby

[Orcamajorca]

My 4 year old DS at the park today apparently looked at a disabled older child who had a dummy and called him a baby in mean tone (relayed from MIL as I’d taken my youngest to the toilet but she wouldn’t lie). MIL told him off and apologised to the parents but I’m mortified after hearing this. He’s only just turned 4 and logically, I know this doesn’t mean he’s on the path to being a total dickhead but I’m feeling a lot of shame about what happened today. DS cried and apologised again when we got home after a bloody firm chat about not saying hurtful words to people. However, I feel really upset at the thought of this child and his parents going away and feeling like crap over what DS said.

He is 4, of course he is ignorant (lacking knowledge) it’s the adults job around him to teach him. You don’t tell your child off when they don’t know something, you explain to them what they don’t understand.

He's 4, being a 'big boy' and stopping using toddler things like dummies, nappies and buggies is part of his recent memory and limited understanding of the diversity of life. We teach 3 and 4 year old that certain things are for babies and they don't need them now they are big. We do this to promote their independence and development. He is simply using this limited understanding and applying it to something he sees. And it might come out as mean and superior because we have taught him that being the 'big boy' is the superior position. It's a teachable moment, of which there will be many over the next few years.

I have kids with SEN, who have been on the side of having differences pointed out, and the one saying things, without realising they were mean. With a 4yo in the situation you describe, all that was needed was "no, he's a big boy who likes a dummy, different people can like different things"

That’s what comes of being an MNer - you have it rammed down your throat on every other thread about invisible disabilities or not knowing what other people have going on etc etc etc - and you end up getting cross with a little boy for understandably associating dummies with babies.

I’d take a break from MN and rejoin the real world, it’s usually more compassionate and realistic.

He’s 4. Your reaction is because you’re embarrassed. If it’s that much of an issue for you then you need to talk to him about disabilities. Poor lad.

Poor child he's 4.

Absolutely this.

A small child called my DD(3) a baby today - her mum just laughed and said “she’s not a baby! She’s about the same age as you.”. In my experience, lots of kids like to point out babies while out and about, I’m not sure why.

Your MiL should have just explained to your son that this was not a baby.

My child is disabled and does look very different. I wouldn't have been upset by your 4 year old, he is only little and trying to understand the world himself.
I am more upset for him when 7 year olds + stand and openly stare at him with their mouths open. They are old enough to know better. My son is so kind and friendly and doesn't understand that behaviour.

4 year olds are usually not following the dickhead trajectory when they have kind parents who explain things to them whilst modelling kindness. The fact you are so worried makes me think we can mark your DC safe from total future dickheadness. I wouldn’t worry.

I have a Sen child who isn’t physically disabled but does have the typical autism look, we sometimes get asked why he’s wearing his ear defenders or is stimming by other people’s kids and I always explain as best as I can but I know a few parents of disabled/SEN kids who really get sick of their DC being used to teach kids about disabilities. I’ve also seen TikTok’s of disabled content creators saying they’re not going about their day to give your child an education on disabilities which is fair enough. I get it though, kids can’t always hold in questions or their observations. But kids aren't always introduced to disabilities in the flesh, obviously things like mr tumble gives children with disabilities an audience to open the discussion with children but seeing a child on tv is very different from someone in real life.

My first thought was perhaps someone has said to him in the past ‘only babies have dummies’ as a way to wean him off one?
Ive been guilty myself of saying this to my twins, which in hindsight probably isn’t a great thing to do. You boy is still so young, I highly doubt it was malicious.

He is 4 and dummies are for baby…
please don’t shame him anymore just explain that like you did and leave it 👏🏼

I thought the same as this. It’s not the issue that the associated a dummy with a baby, the issue is the fact he said it in a mean way surely?

It's no good telling him not to say hurtful words. He's 4, he won't understand why it is hurtful for him to say that a child with a dummy is a baby. When things are calmer I'd have a gentle chat, apologise for overreacting and explain more.

Earlier this year on holiday there was an older child, maybe 13 or so, crawling by the pool in a nappy, having previously been supported in the water by his parents. My then 4 year old asked if the child was a baby. Because for him crawling + nappy = baby. I just calmly explained that no, he is an older child but that is how he gets around and it seems perhaps he needs help with toileting. We had a little chat reminding him about how we are all different and some people's bodies and brains work differently to others, and then we moved on.

Its tough isnt it! DD had a phase of pointing out that older people had loads of wrinkles, very loudly to random older people. No ones fault but i agree it needs pointing out straight away that its not polite!

This makes me sad for your ds. You seem reassured by the fact that he cried about it.

So to teach him not to say hurtful things to other people so as not to upset them, you’ve shamed him for his logical way of thinking that dummies are generally for babies, to the point of him crying and apologising multiple times? I agree with the need for a discussion, but it could have been asking him why he called the child a baby, exploring that his words may have been upsetting, and talking about differences. Instead you’ve literally taught him to do the thing you were trying to teach him not to do - upset someone.

I have a very disabled child.

We have a younger child who used to find it very confusing that his older brother was older than him and not younger, because he can’t walk or talk.

Children, especially at 4, can’t make sense of these things. It’s completely normal for him to find it confusing that a bigger child had a dummy but was not a baby.

Even adults sometimes look at our son when he is in a more traditional looking buggy rather than a wheelchair and say things like ‘I remember when mine were little etc’ even though he’s a teenager and quite clearly disabled which I always find odd.

Please don’t be cross with your child. A 4 year olds’ behaviour is often actually simpler and easier to deal with than an adult trying and failing to say the wrong thing because children are just being honest.

Freudian slip… trying to say the right thing