Question about Punishment for Teenage Son

[Momhelp]

Hey moms,

So I got a call this week from a girl’s mom at my son’s school. Apparently, my 16-year-old was teasing her daughter again. The other mom was nice about it, but still, it’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve had several talks with my son about this same situation before, because this isn’t the first time he’s been mean to this particular girl. It’s like he finds something small to pick on her about and can’t seem to let it go.

We’ve had some behavioral issues with him over the past couple of years — not anything extreme, but he’s gotten a little too comfortable with sarcasm and being “the funny guy” at someone else’s expense. I’ve tried the typical punishments: grounding, taking the phone, extra chores, early curfews, you name it. But none of it really gets through to him. It feels like he just serves his “time” and goes right back to doing what he wants after the punishment is over.

This time, I decided to try something a little different — something that might actually make him stop and think. Since this girl is on the dance team, I'm thinking of telling him that this weekend he’s going to spend some time getting to learn what he keeps making fun of. Maybe making him watch three full episodes of Dance Moms, and afterward he’ll have to complete little multiple-choice quizzes I’d make about each episode. Today, I picked up a Taylor Swift magazine, and he’s going to either answer comprehension questions or write short summaries of what he read. He’s not allowed to use his phone, hang out with friends, or watch football until all of it is finished. (He keeps making fun of her for being a swiftie)

The reason behind this isn’t just to annoy him (though I’ll admit that’s a small bonus). I’m trying to make him actually engage with what he was mocking — to see that these things mean something to people and maybe even learn to respect them a little more. Plus, it forces him to do structured, homework-style tasks, which he absolutely hates, so it’s a consequence that fits his behavior.

I guess my question for you all is — do you think this is appropriate? I wanted something that wasn’t just “you’re grounded,” but also not mean-spirited. I want him to connect the dots that teasing someone for what they love isn’t funny — it’s hurtful and immature. Has anyone else tried this kind of “empathetic punishment”? I’m open to tweaking it or hearing other ideas that have worked for your teens, especially ones that make them think about how their actions affect others.

Parenting a teenage boy should honestly count as cardio at this point. Any advice, feedback, assignment ideas or creative ideas are welcome!

Thanks

Do you know anyone who is a bigger/ smarter version of him? Have them do to him what he doles out to others to see how he likes it?

I would be pretty concerned actually sorry op as you sound lovely. It must have been quite serous for the mum to actually contact you . Sending a child out into the world who enjoys being cruel to others. He sounds unpleasant. Does he have friends?

Why does he do it?

I don't want to do this because i don't want to teach him that two wrongs make a right. I was thinking this style of teaching would be a different approach as long as its not overboard

I have my ideas, but he mostly denies or downplays it. I've told him to not interact with that girl all together, but here he goes. Do you think this is appropriate?

No, I don't think it's appropriate.

His spitefulness isn't about the dancing or passion for it, it's about belittling and tormenting an individual.

I don't think he'll learn anything from being about to answer questions about dancing.

I agree with @TheaBrandt1.

Not to just always throw the therapy thing around but often these behaviours come from people who are defensive and have hurt within them somewhere. Perhaps speaking with a counsellor or therapist can help him actually understand for himself why he behaves this way and try and manage that? I don’t think punishment/shaming will fix it :(

Is this happening mainly at school? If so I’d be making an appointment with the appropriate staff member and going in to discuss it.
unless you are separately friendly with the other mother I wouldn’t be entering in to discussion with her, you are only hearing one side of the situation.
i wouldn’t personally use the punishment you are considering, partly because I wouldn’t have the time to be writing quizzes etc and I’m not convinced that making him watch films then making him do homework would be that effective.

I definitely would not (as suggested by a pp) be exploring whether a male influence could be giving him a ‘crack or two’ - physical assault rarely resolves issues.

This is nonsense.
Watching dance moms, reading a swiftie magazine…,
Remove the door of his room, take his phone away for a month, put blocks on his laptop and every bring the router into bed with you.
That will teach him a lesson. He is unpleasant to someone, life becomes unpleasant for him.

this is the most bizarre thing I have read in a long time.

Probably fake one @Temporaryanonymity

You need to tell him the truth; his behaviour is both creepy and misogynistic towards this girl. He is an embarrassment to himself and his family. Pity his future partner if he ever manages to get one.

He sounds like a bully. I got bullied in a similar way by a boy. I don’t really know why but your idea will just give your son more ammunition. He needs to stop or will become an adult who harasses women.

.. and the award for most over-reacted post goes to ...

.. and the runner up to most over-reacted post goes to ...

@markopolo2002
We are not going to agree on this point but perhaps your comments are helpful to the op?
A ‘crack to the head’ could be deemed a physical assault (illegal in the UK) rather than ‘physical chastisement’ - illegal in Scotland but apparently still ok in England…
Regardless of the legal implication I don’t feel it resolves things however I accept you have an equal right to condone it and share your advice with the op.

Just to put a different perspective on this.
My daughter 14 year old daughter took an overdose 3 days ago due to a boy at school making her life unbearable, constantly picking at her appearance, her hair, her teeth, her height, her skin. You name it he picked on it. When someone pulls you apart daily it destroys your mental health and self esteem. My daughter couldn't stand it anymore and sadly thought an overdose was the only way to make things stop. Luckily we got her to the hospital in time and she was able to recieve treatment and is now home safe. The boy is being investigated by the police for what hes done to her.
So maybe you could try explain to your son just how harmful his words could be. He is a bully and i would not stand for that in my house. All of his privileges should be removed until he can act right and he should be apologising to the girl involved

Do school know about this?

Does the girl say anything back when he says any of these things?

@ZippyBlueViper Oh that's awful. I hope life will now be much easier for your daughter and for your family.

Absolutely we're not going to agree and it's clear we have completely different views on what is acceptable and not in respect to physical discipline. I have a 30+ year old who has 3 kids, wife of 10 years, successful business and whom we see the entire family each weekend. We have a very open and loving relationship, we enjoy nothing more than slating each other when appropriate and I've also had times he's had financial troubles and has cried on my shoulder as I've hugged him and helped him get through such times. He's a fine boy who towers over me, has gotten through all his financial problems and enjoys life to the full. He has taken my stance on disciplining his kids, although like him, they rarely need to be reminded of who is Alpha, but it has happened, especially with our 13 year old grandson.

Some call it assault, some call it discipline. Until I am presented with the facts that physical discipline (not abuse) from a father to a son causes long term physiological disadvantages, I'll go with the success I, and many like me, have had by putting their kids in line with a physical form of punishment as and when required.

Like you however, completely accept and appreciate your take on the situation and would uphold your right to believe what you do.

@markopolo2002's posts about alpha males, male police officers, "a swift crack or two in front of a few people", saying posters are over reacting and the girl is being 'too sensitive' is a text book bingo game of red flags.

Did you mean physiological disadvantages or psychological disadvantages @markopolo2002 ?

"Numerous studies have found that physical punishment increases the risk of broad and enduring negative developmental outcomes."

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3447048/

• creepy and misogynistic
• Pity his future partner
• will become an adult who harasses women

All quotes from those I've considered to have over-reacted, something you don't agree with clearly so I'd be happy for you to explain to me how a 13 year old boy who is clearly doing what a lot of 13 year old boys do (unless shown how to be more respectful) is creepy, misogynistic or will become an adult who harasses women?.

Also, please explain to me what is wrong with an Alpha male in a teenage boys life or having an alpha police officer speak to a teenage boy about the errors of his ways?.

Also, I never said the girl was being too sensitive, I said the could be potentially too sensitive if the attention towards her was deemed not that much of an issue by the school, etc, but then went on to explain if its that much of an issue the mother has been in touch then it's time the boy realised what he is doing is wrong.

Look forward to your response.