Question about Punishment for Teenage Son

[Momhelp]

Hey moms,

So I got a call this week from a girl’s mom at my son’s school. Apparently, my 16-year-old was teasing her daughter again. The other mom was nice about it, but still, it’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve had several talks with my son about this same situation before, because this isn’t the first time he’s been mean to this particular girl. It’s like he finds something small to pick on her about and can’t seem to let it go.

We’ve had some behavioral issues with him over the past couple of years — not anything extreme, but he’s gotten a little too comfortable with sarcasm and being “the funny guy” at someone else’s expense. I’ve tried the typical punishments: grounding, taking the phone, extra chores, early curfews, you name it. But none of it really gets through to him. It feels like he just serves his “time” and goes right back to doing what he wants after the punishment is over.

This time, I decided to try something a little different — something that might actually make him stop and think. Since this girl is on the dance team, I'm thinking of telling him that this weekend he’s going to spend some time getting to learn what he keeps making fun of. Maybe making him watch three full episodes of Dance Moms, and afterward he’ll have to complete little multiple-choice quizzes I’d make about each episode. Today, I picked up a Taylor Swift magazine, and he’s going to either answer comprehension questions or write short summaries of what he read. He’s not allowed to use his phone, hang out with friends, or watch football until all of it is finished. (He keeps making fun of her for being a swiftie)

The reason behind this isn’t just to annoy him (though I’ll admit that’s a small bonus). I’m trying to make him actually engage with what he was mocking — to see that these things mean something to people and maybe even learn to respect them a little more. Plus, it forces him to do structured, homework-style tasks, which he absolutely hates, so it’s a consequence that fits his behavior.

I guess my question for you all is — do you think this is appropriate? I wanted something that wasn’t just “you’re grounded,” but also not mean-spirited. I want him to connect the dots that teasing someone for what they love isn’t funny — it’s hurtful and immature. Has anyone else tried this kind of “empathetic punishment”? I’m open to tweaking it or hearing other ideas that have worked for your teens, especially ones that make them think about how their actions affect others.

Parenting a teenage boy should honestly count as cardio at this point. Any advice, feedback, assignment ideas or creative ideas are welcome!

Thanks

Sorry OP I think you're being ridiculous. A quiz on a TV show is not going to make him be nice to her.

It really is an over reaction to say
"He needs to stop or will become an adult who harasses women"

He's an immature 16 year old boy at the moment. Yes, he needs to be stopped but very few people come back with solutions, just statements that do nothing to help the OP.

I can see you are well- intentioned but it’s not going to make a difference.

Your son is a bully who enjoys belittling the things this girl likes.

Somewhere along his life, he’s picked up the message that the things teenage girls like are frivolous or irrelevant.

You have a lot of misogyny to start unraveling. Ask if he can see the school counsellor?

Are you a man? 16 is old enough to know better. OP has told him to stop, he has carried on. Telling him to stop should be enough. The fact that the girls mother has contacted the OP shows that this is a pattern of behaviour. If you want a suggestion my way of dealing with this would be pointing out how this behaviour reflects badly on him, me, how this behaviour would impact in a work situation and different scenarios. I would be asking him, why, why, why, why, and why. He will just talk shit for the first 3/4 answers.

He's a bully. He's bullying this girl.
Bullied always pick on someone weaker/smaller.
So he basically needs a taste of his own medicine, preferably from an older brother/cousin/friend.
Sometimes the only way to get the message across is to grab it with both hands

Yes I am a man, and my way of dealing with it would, as I've already said, to have had a man deal with him but I got flamed from a few people for even suggesting that, one person even likened me to Andrew Tate for my views so I'm sorry if my replies are short and abrupt but it's likely these posts will be considered "red flags" from now on by the hysterical people.

I've dealt with my own 16 year old boy and there were times to talk and times not to talk. If this boy ignores his mother to the point where he'll do what he wants, he needs to know what it's like to be humiliated and bullied. Normally those tactics hit home harder than "please don't do it again".

No I don’t think this will work. Have you tried arranging a meeting between him and the girl and getting him to apologise face to face, with her parents there? I think that could be quite powerful.

This whole situation is weird. Why is her mum contacting you? We are talking about year 11 here. I suspect the girl involved must be vulnerable somehow.

I wouldn't do all the stuff you suggested. I don't really do active punishment. I would tell him that it reflects badly on him, makes him look immature and like a bully, and that I am incredibly disappointed that any son of mine enjoys making someone else feel small; and that if I ever find out that this sort of behaviour has happened again I will be looking at moving him to a different school so that the affected girl can carry on without being picked on. That he need not like her or be kind to her, but for God's sake just leave her be.

Punishment wise it would tend to be an absence of things that provide social capital if I had to do anything. For example evidence shows that bullies at high school are often high status individuals. Removing branded footwear, backpack or whatever and substituting supermarket trainers and a non-branded backpack would probably hit him in the way that not much else would - in the street cred.

Don't show him Dance Moms.

I have issues with Dance Moms (am thinking of the Abbie Lee Miller programme here) I feel uncomfortable with the sexy outfits & sexualised dances for such young girls. She's also a complete dragon. So reminds me of when I was a gymnast competing for the County when we were 'fat shamed' & encouraged to be 'sexy' wiggling my backside at the judges when 8 years old, my coach getting 'handy' & commenting on my growing breasts when 12 years old 😱

Where is your sons father In all of this?
Do you have any sort of male in your life that can have a word?
At 16 this behaviour is honestly worrying and well beyond the point of gentle parenting.

I have a year 11 boy and also work in secondary. I honestly think you are well past the age where parents should be phoning each other to complain about behaviour. This should be dealt with in school and supported at home. I would suggest that school are in a much better position to come up with a restorative task than you - making him watch dance moms or read about Taylor Swift, sounds frankly odd. The mum should be contacting school as that is where this is happening. I'm also not completely sure from your post about what he is doing - is he just being a little toe rag or is it more sinister? Could he fancy her and not know how to communicate it? I find there is often a male teachers who the boys look up to as a role model, who is helpful in setting out acceptable behaviour. I would take this to school, explain that they have your full backing but this is taking place on the premises and ask them to intervene.

This is what I came to suggest.

No, it’s not appropriate. It’s really really fucking weird. Like REALLY weird

You can’t ‘punish’ someone into being a nice person.

The fact that you dress up your assault as "discipline" rather than calling it what it is would be laughable if it wasn't so shocking in 2025. In my opinion, a parent who assault their child - of whatever age - soils this site with their presence.

Has anyone noticed that ChatGPT writes titles in Capitals too. Just like the op!

Then let's continue to have a new world of bullies that do what they want without fear of reprisal and make everyone's lives a misery while you all sit around the camp fire asking nicely if the kids would stop stamping on the other kids heads.

Turn on the TV or look at the news online, and you'll see the world we've developed through not having consequences to our actions.

Sorry but that's a ridiculous idea for a punishment and makes the whole thing seem like a joke. The issue is not that he doesn't know enough about dance or Taylor Swift, it's that he's a bully.

Not clear to me why the other mum has contacted you- I would expect the school to be involved.

You sound like a lovely person… but too lovely. I don’t think your punishment is strong enough, watching dance moms and reading about swifties will just give him ammunition, not an appreciation.

That's not a ChatGPT thing. If you paid attention in English at school, then you would have known that in a title, it's normal to capitalise every main word.

You’re branding yourself an “alpha male” & suggesting smacking a child….all that does is perpetuate a regressive toxic masculinity that is likely to further entrench this teenager’s shitty behaviour.

Absolutely ridiculous.

You have a conversation about kindness & words matter and ground him for the weekend . You contact the school so they are aware that this is an ongoing problem and tell the other Mum to do the same .After that I wouldn’t do anything else . Are you actually angry at this behaviour ( it’s fairly low level) or are you reacting due to your own parenting ego & embarrassment. He sounds like an typical immature boy & know amour of punishment will help wiv that

Yes, I was thinking the same, bizarre!

What's actually happened. Not looking Taylor Swift's music is not a crime, it's commercialised and not very good. Not like dancing in a Dance moms kind of way probably shows good taste. What has he actually done?

I don't think this is the right consequence. It doesn't help the girl, he needs to make amends in a meaningful way. I'd have a long chat with him, about why he's doing it (what is it about her, has something happened between them etc, how does he feel when he picks on her). Then talk through the impact, see if you can find stories or videos of how bullying impacts people, ask him to put himself in her shoes, how would he feel. Then ask him to think about how he fixes this, he's upset her enough to tell her mum, that in itself shows hes uoset her enough to remember it all day, go home and be sad and then feel the need to confide in her mum - thats a deep impact, she has carried the weight of his words all day. How does he make amends, it could be an apology letter, he could get her an appropriate gift to say sorry with his own money, he could have a chat with her and apologise that way. Either way, the natural consequence of being a d*ck to someone, is that you realise the impact you've had on them and apologise/make amends. Sincerely. Not just because your mum told you to.

Nobody should ever be subjected to Dance Moms, I wonder how many of the girls ended up in therapy

If it really was about the dance, which I'm not convinced it is, then making him attend a dance class where he would be embarrassed would be far more of a punishment, if punishment is what you want. Perhaps tell him you will enroll him in dance classes if he doesn't leave the poor lass alone.