Question about Punishment for Teenage Son

[Momhelp]

Hey moms,

So I got a call this week from a girl’s mom at my son’s school. Apparently, my 16-year-old was teasing her daughter again. The other mom was nice about it, but still, it’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve had several talks with my son about this same situation before, because this isn’t the first time he’s been mean to this particular girl. It’s like he finds something small to pick on her about and can’t seem to let it go.

We’ve had some behavioral issues with him over the past couple of years — not anything extreme, but he’s gotten a little too comfortable with sarcasm and being “the funny guy” at someone else’s expense. I’ve tried the typical punishments: grounding, taking the phone, extra chores, early curfews, you name it. But none of it really gets through to him. It feels like he just serves his “time” and goes right back to doing what he wants after the punishment is over.

This time, I decided to try something a little different — something that might actually make him stop and think. Since this girl is on the dance team, I'm thinking of telling him that this weekend he’s going to spend some time getting to learn what he keeps making fun of. Maybe making him watch three full episodes of Dance Moms, and afterward he’ll have to complete little multiple-choice quizzes I’d make about each episode. Today, I picked up a Taylor Swift magazine, and he’s going to either answer comprehension questions or write short summaries of what he read. He’s not allowed to use his phone, hang out with friends, or watch football until all of it is finished. (He keeps making fun of her for being a swiftie)

The reason behind this isn’t just to annoy him (though I’ll admit that’s a small bonus). I’m trying to make him actually engage with what he was mocking — to see that these things mean something to people and maybe even learn to respect them a little more. Plus, it forces him to do structured, homework-style tasks, which he absolutely hates, so it’s a consequence that fits his behavior.

I guess my question for you all is — do you think this is appropriate? I wanted something that wasn’t just “you’re grounded,” but also not mean-spirited. I want him to connect the dots that teasing someone for what they love isn’t funny — it’s hurtful and immature. Has anyone else tried this kind of “empathetic punishment”? I’m open to tweaking it or hearing other ideas that have worked for your teens, especially ones that make them think about how their actions affect others.

Parenting a teenage boy should honestly count as cardio at this point. Any advice, feedback, assignment ideas or creative ideas are welcome!

Thanks

I'm so sorry about your daughter 💐 really hope the boy is removed from her school and receives appropriate punishment from the police & your daughter can make a full recovery from this awful ordeal xx

I’m struggling to understand how you think your proposed punishments will encourage your son to cease this behaviour. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your son is bullying this girl, and my concern would be if he’s doing this at 16, how will he treat women when he’s older? Have you ever had a frank conversation with your son about how his behaviour impacts others, and how he would feel if someone was treating him that same way? For someone who seemingly can’t regulate his own behaviour, it sounds like really getting through to him about how his choices affect others (deeply and for a long period of time) may be the filter he needs to run his actions through before acting in the future. None of what you have suggested will stop your son from continuing this behaviour.

Maybe speak to the girls mum and just be completely honest with her. You don't know why he's doing this, you've spoken to him, shouted, punished, pleaded etc. Ask to meet with mum and daughter and sit down together? And girls dad if he's there. Let him have a word with him. It's a shame, I can see you're trying. And I can imagine it from both sides. I have a 14 year old son and a 15 year old daughter, so I can imagine being absolutely mortified if my son behaved like this and I can imagine how angry I'd be if my daughter was on the recieving end. I think I would really appreciate the other mum being honest with me and reaching out to try to fix it, good luck OP.

"Is he attracted to her but too emotionally immature to express it? Is this his way of getting her attention?"
I thought that too or perhaps as another poster suggested she's not attracted to him and he has approached her and been rejected.

I think the issue here is that you choose to use physical punishment to ‘discipline’ your child. That’s not discipline. Assuming that by ‘crack’ you mean hit? I didn’t see a reply to that question when asked. As you have been shown, there is a large body of research regarding physically punishing a child. Logically, if a boy is already a bully I don’t see how a physical punishment teaches respect? I do see a firm male presence talking to him and spending time with him to understand what’s going on and giving consequences. Even adults who are arrested are not expected to be hit? So how can you argue a child should be? You don’t make logical sense. It might stop the behaviour in the moment but the fundemental core respect is missing. That’s what you need to be teaching. You cannot achieve that through force . You can’t force someone to respect. The rest of good parenting comes when a young adult makes their own moral judgement about to how to behave ( in this case around women). I’m sure you are a decent loving parent. But your methods are outdated and proven to be damaging in the long run.

Well done Mum. Love your idea.

This is silly, sorry. He will just think it's stupid and won't care. He's 16 years old not 10. I think you need to tell him yous ashamed of him and that your disgusted by his behaviour, I would feel that way if my child was doing that.

As others have put it, I’d also be worried about giving him more ammunition. He might learn more about dance/ Taylor Swift and just use that to mock her further. Doesn’t sound like he’s emotionally mature enough to learn the lesson you’re trying to teach but respect you for trying to tackle this from a different angle!

You and the school should be taking a zero tolerance approach to the bullying and harassment of this girl. 90% of the bullying I had at school was from boys "teasing". It's not harmless at a time when you are just finding out who you are as a person. It really knocked my confidence for years and I just did not trust or like boys my own age. I was called fat almost every day at school in Y10 and Y11.

Getting him to watch films isn't going to cut it. The school need to punish him and if he carries on the mother should report him to the police.

You should be examining how you've come to raise this absolute piece of work who thinks it's ok to harass women and girls and take it a hell of a lot more seriously.