Question about Punishment for Teenage Son

[Momhelp]

Hey moms,

So I got a call this week from a girl’s mom at my son’s school. Apparently, my 16-year-old was teasing her daughter again. The other mom was nice about it, but still, it’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve had several talks with my son about this same situation before, because this isn’t the first time he’s been mean to this particular girl. It’s like he finds something small to pick on her about and can’t seem to let it go.

We’ve had some behavioral issues with him over the past couple of years — not anything extreme, but he’s gotten a little too comfortable with sarcasm and being “the funny guy” at someone else’s expense. I’ve tried the typical punishments: grounding, taking the phone, extra chores, early curfews, you name it. But none of it really gets through to him. It feels like he just serves his “time” and goes right back to doing what he wants after the punishment is over.

This time, I decided to try something a little different — something that might actually make him stop and think. Since this girl is on the dance team, I'm thinking of telling him that this weekend he’s going to spend some time getting to learn what he keeps making fun of. Maybe making him watch three full episodes of Dance Moms, and afterward he’ll have to complete little multiple-choice quizzes I’d make about each episode. Today, I picked up a Taylor Swift magazine, and he’s going to either answer comprehension questions or write short summaries of what he read. He’s not allowed to use his phone, hang out with friends, or watch football until all of it is finished. (He keeps making fun of her for being a swiftie)

The reason behind this isn’t just to annoy him (though I’ll admit that’s a small bonus). I’m trying to make him actually engage with what he was mocking — to see that these things mean something to people and maybe even learn to respect them a little more. Plus, it forces him to do structured, homework-style tasks, which he absolutely hates, so it’s a consequence that fits his behavior.

I guess my question for you all is — do you think this is appropriate? I wanted something that wasn’t just “you’re grounded,” but also not mean-spirited. I want him to connect the dots that teasing someone for what they love isn’t funny — it’s hurtful and immature. Has anyone else tried this kind of “empathetic punishment”? I’m open to tweaking it or hearing other ideas that have worked for your teens, especially ones that make them think about how their actions affect others.

Parenting a teenage boy should honestly count as cardio at this point. Any advice, feedback, assignment ideas or creative ideas are welcome!

Thanks

Yet another person who can jump on a thread with no purpose to helping answer the OP but instead picks and chooses the posts they believe they can provoke rather than discuss. What would your advice to the OP be then now you've dealt with me?.

This is AI

You know, I've came to the conclusion that some threads on this site are actually being created purposely to provoke reactions from people. I've read and re-read the majority of these posts and there is literally no advice given to the OP, just what others shouldn't do, and we're 4 pages in. Un-watching, have fun, I have more important things to do, like spit peas at cans.

I do think your heart it is in the right place and you are probably right to think that traditional ‘punishments’ are not really going to work here, at least not on their own. He needs to internalise the need to be kind to and not bully others because he wants to be a good person, not just to avoid punishment, or he endures a punishment just as a means to an end. But the consequences you are thinking of I wouldn’t do, because I don’t think it’s her hobbies and interests that are the issue here. He’d probably tease her even if she liked things he ‘approved’ of.

Have a good talk with him about how it’s a form of bullying what he’s doing and you thought he was better than that. Let him feel your disappointment. My parents disappointment in me always packed more of a punch than anger. Try to find out why he’s doing this, why he seems to think it’s ’clever’, how would he feel if someone picked on something he liked. You might want to encourage him to apologise to this girl. He’ll be so embarrassed with that it will deter him from doing it again. Tell him that you don’t want to punish him because you know he’s a better person than that, but if he doesn’t apologise and you see a real change in his attitude you won’t hesitate to punish him where he’ll feel it the most, whether that loss of his phone, grounding, loss of pocket money.

Not sure how a couple of episodes of Dance Moms and a Taylor Swift magazine are going to stop a nasty repeat offender in his tracks... You're past all that at this point.
Phone, gone until Christmas.
Any treats/outings planned for the next couple of months? Cancelled.
Clubs? Cancelled.
Pocket money? Stopped.
Any other devices? Removed, apart from essential, supervised activities, such as homework.
All clothing, apart from school uniform? Gone. He can wear his school clothes at the weekend.

He's gone out of his way to make this poor girl so uncomfortable, to the point her mum had to step in. So he's about to learn the true meaning of the word "uncomfortable".

Don't make him watch Dance Moms - it's a terrible representation of dance. Make him go to dance classes once a week for 6 weeks. Find a teacher who will be clear & strict with him.

Alternatively, what drives him? What does he really like to do? What is his passion? Take that away from him. Ground him for at least 2 weeks every single time he harasses this girl.

He sounds awful, frankly - an arrogant sexist pig. The poor girl.

Happy to help out here, you are a bully who thinks physical violence against kids is good parenting rather than a failure to have done the work before you get to that point, you fail to recognise that as PPs have pointed out there is plenty of evidence that violence from a parent puts children at physical and psychological risk (what I think you meant when you said physiological) and you believe “alpha” theory which is a massive indicator to all educated and decent people that you get off on having power over others, which is pathetic.

How would you feel if your daughter was “chastised” by her partner for “disrespect” or “stepping out of line”? If you wouldn’t feel furious that should tell you something enlightening about yourself- go away and have a serious think about yourself, you should be ashamed.

I think you’re missing the big picture. He’s not bullying her because she’s into dance or Taylor Swift, he’s bullying for the sake of bullying and that is what needs addressing. He finds what he perceives as weak or what seems silly to him and he picks on it…he enjoys the bullying. He needs punishment and to understand how it would feel if it were done to him. You telling him it’s wrong etc doesn’t seem to register. He’s old enough to understand and unless you’ve neglected to teach him, he should understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I may get criticism from this but I would find his weak spot and start there, punish him by depriving him of something he values for as long as it takes till his behaviour changes. If it means taking away privileges, phones, games consoles etc then so be it till I see a change in behaviour. Better for him to learn now because if he continues his bullying traits into college, uni, workplace etc, his lesson may be taught to him by someone other than yourself and he’ll probably get physically hurt in the process 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pretty sure OP said he was picking on this girl before so he has previous and has obviously already bullied her more than once, so how many chances do you give a bully like this?

I guess my question for you all is — do you think this is appropriate? I wanted something that wasn’t just “you’re grounded,” but also not mean-spirited. I want him to connect the dots that teasing someone for what they love isn’t funny — it’s hurtful and immature. Has anyone else tried this kind of “empathetic punishment”? I’m open to tweaking it or hearing other ideas that have worked for your teens, especially ones that make them think about how their actions affect others.

Sorry, but you sound completely ineffective.

You've spoken to him. He's not stopped harassing a girl.

Presumably the girl has told him to stop. He's not stopped harassing her.

Her mother has contacted you. He's not stopped harassing her daughter.

He needs grounding for far more than a weekend. His phone needs to go. He needs to come home straight from school, and not leave the house again. His access to WiFi needs to stop.

He's growing into a sexist harasser. Do you want a sone wgho views his female peers as nothing but targets for his so-called humour?

Honestly, you sound ridiculous.

Or maybe , just maybe, you could actually ask him what he is thinking and why he is doing this, rather than leaping to the punishment part?

Maybe he is a bully, or maybe he is a kid who is trying to fit in with the world and is a little immature, or unsure? Maybe he isn’t really aware of the result of his words? Maybe he is watching Andrew Tate? Maybe he is struggling to find a person to look up to?

Who knows? But it’s worth talking about it to him.

And whilst I do not condone bullying of any kind, and this does need to be investigated by the school as well, we really don’t know what he has said, we have the girls mum side and the OP taking what she is being told.

What does this mean? Is he teasing her because he has a crush on her or is it because he enjoys being cruel to someone weaker than him?

Just because someone doesn't agree with them, doesn't make them hysterical. I would take a bet that you wouldn't call a man hysterical - maybe something along with your other feedback to reflect on!

A man physically assaulting a child is hardly 'alpha' behaviour and similarly, in my experience, men who go around telling people (on-line no less) they are aplha rarely (if ever) are...

Christ who invited the pound shop Andrew Tate @markopolo2002

Yes, I have DSs, 25 & 17, and I would have gone with something similar. In time they do develop empathy - DS25 is far ahead of DS17 in that respect - but in the meantime mine responded far better to a ‘ do that again and this is what is going to happen’ approach, with a firm follow up if they do it again. One of my colleagues went further with her DS14, when he was being unpleasant towards a classmate and her phone screen was cracked as a result of his actions. She paid for the repair of the phone and sold his to raise some ££. He went without a phone until he’d earned the cost of a basic old one. While his mates were out on Saturdays he was car washing and lawn mowing.

I agree that the school should now be involved to have a full investigation.

I was bullied like this at 16 at school and it was awful because it was sexual.Eventually I told my parents and the school was involved and the boy was expelled.

I don't think he'll learn to respect the medium of dance by watching the cat fights and drama of Dance Mom's. If anything make him watch a ballet that's available online or something, he may not respect it but he's been made to engage with dance culture somehow.

I don't think these things will work however, or you'll have to resort to exposure therapy for every little thing he mocks. He's targeting the girl not necessarily her recreational activities and likes and dislikes. Better to teach him explicitly that what he's doing as bullying and go down that angle.

I don't think he'll learn to respect the medium of dance by watching the cat fights and drama of Dance Mom's. If anything make him watch a ballet that's available online or something, he may not respect it but he's been made to engage with dance culture somehow.

I don't think these things will work however, or you'll have to resort to exposure therapy for every little thing he mocks. He's targeting the girl not necessarily her recreational activities and likes and dislikes. Better to teach him explicitly that what he's doing as bullying and go down that angle.

How do you know this, so you know the OP? Where so a it say the girl is b jng bullied? Saying you think a certain kind of genre of music is crap is not bullying.

How do you know he's targeting the girl, so you know the girl.

You could come at it as a sit down with him after not giving him access to the Internet for a dew days, and explain you did it because you're worrying he's accessing things online that make him feel it's okay to target someone this way.

That you'd like him to tell you what he's seen and where that makes him feel able to bully, mock and target people or their personality/like and dislikes so much so a concerned mother had to call you up.

Make it very serious, make it so he knows you're worried about HIM but also looking out for the girl, almost like an intervention in the delivery so he may realise the gravity and in being asked to justify himself and not being able to, look twice at his behaviours.

No I dont know the girl, the op in her first post says she has talked to her son several times on the same issue, and then said later on she has told her son not to go near the girl again, so its happened multiple times hence targeting.

Ridiculous idea. He’ll laugh in your face if you do that. Punish him properly FFS

OP you sound like a lovely mum and i think it’s good to think outside the box, my suggestion would be telling him he has to do something to put right his actions towards the girl. Make him think of how he is going to put things right. Whether that is publicly apologising to her, going round to her house with a card and a present to apologise etc.

It's not teasing. You tease your friends. If he's taunting her and isn't her friend, it's bullying.

One thing I will not tolerate my children being is bullies. People commit suicide from being bullied. It damages you psychologically. It's not a joke, it's not funny and he would not be laughing by the time I was done with him.

If he'd been told before to leave her alone and ignored it, I would come down like a ton of bricks. No friends, no phone, no gaming, no social life until he can behave like a human being.

Fuck empathetic punishment! Where is his bloody empathy? His pocket money would be no more. For good. He's 16. If he's got time enough to bully someone, he has time enough for a job.