5yo getting in trouble every single day at school 😩

[CosyJumpersAndRain]

hi all, just need a bit of a handhold really cos i feel like i’m doing everything wrong 😭

my son’s only just started year 1 and we’ve literally had a message or “a quick word” at pick up every single day since term started. shouting out, not sitting still, pushing other kids when he’s frustrated, running off in the playground. teacher said he’s “always on red” on their behaviour chart and today she actually said he’s the only one in the class who’s not had a single green day 😩 i just felt so embarrassed

he’s full of energy, like never stops moving, always has been. bedtime’s a nightmare, up and down all night. eats basically nothing except plain pasta and cereal 🙈 i know it sounds bad but i’m literly exhausted with him. we’ve tried reward charts, taking screen time off, talking to him calmly, shouting (i know i shouldn’t), everything. he just laughs or goes into full meltdown mode

school hinted about maybe “further support” but i’ve no idea what that means or if they think it’s something serious. partner just says “he’ll grow out of it” but i’m not so sure anymore.

has anyone else had a 5yo like this and it turned out ok?? i feel like the worst mum ever 🤦‍♀️x

What was his behaviour like before this OP, at nursery?

Take small screens (ipad, phones) off him for a month not as punishment but to try and reset his focus a bit. No short 30 second things or gaming, just proper TV programmes. I bet it will help a bit. Get him prepping food with you, might be more likely to eat it, might not but it's something to do. Try not to let him have too many additives, plainer cereal like weetabix or toast made from decent bread and butter. Make sure you stick to No at home and don't cave in.

Y1 is a shift so it will be hard for some children. But there are things which can help focus. He may have ADHD but a lot of kids can't concentrate simply because of lifestyle. And don't listen because they don't listen to their parents either.

Does your partner back you up with the consistency or let him get away with things/shouting. Just because of the way you've said he thinks he will grow out of it. Does this mean he takes the easy way out instead of parenting (presuming he is the child's dad)

But equally ask the school for advice, do they recommend any referrals? Agree a plan together? It does sound like it could be ADHD signs

Sending love it's not nice when your anxious every day that you have to pick up.

I assume he's completed reception?

I know you won't want to hear this, but your other half knows eff all. You're exhausted, you know your own child, or may be overwhelming, but are you actually surprised at how school has started? I'm amazed you haven't had any input from nursery, gp or similar already.

Talk to the school, he's obviously finding school a lot, I no longer know how it works in the UK, but they must know how to get support for you, and your son?

Just one thing. I don't think there's such a thing as a naughty child, or a bad child, they all need some kind of help. (OK, there's the occasional psychopathic child, but that's not this!) Reward charts are for calm children, people pleasers, dare I say unimaginative kids? I used to love a reward chart. My nd kids, not so much. Just because you haven't figured him out yet, doesn't mean you can't. Find local groups, a supportive friend or two.

Good luck, and make sure you stay vocal, advocate for your kid, and don't let ANYONE treat him as if he's a problem.

And I couldn't agree less with pp, making a ton of changes all in one go will not help. Doing a digital detox will really distress a child at a point where he's dealing with a new class and everything is even more chaotic. Meanwhile, ND children don't react to screens in a neurotypical way. For many of them, it provides a contained, controllable world that they understand. It doesn't wind them up, it calms them down. The parenting part is to let them know that they are welcome to do the fun stuff, but when you say it's time to stop, they honour that. It can take a few difficult interactions, but it's important.

He needs comfort and calm, and firm boundaries, but not extreme, and not all at once. So NOT start pressing him to reach a healthier diet in the middle of all this. His current diet sounds very ARFID-y, which would also fit.

There's a ton of decent info out there, one you know what you're dealing with. Some of it can be found in the SEN bit of MN.

It does sound exhausting OP and I think you should take school up on the offer of more support, ask for a proper meeting and find out what they advise / can offer him. They are trying to help you, and him. Take the help. Work with them, and get support in place for your son.

How much screen time does he have?

If he's not a problem at home then the problem is the school. He's too young maybe, not really ready for what school demands.

School is essentially an artificial environment. Not all children can cope with it.

I would take any support school offers. Ignore what DH is saying. Your DS may need some adjustments to help him cope and fit in with school life, bedtime etc

thanks everyone, i didn’t even expect so many replies so quick 😭

at nursery he was a bit wild but they always said he was “full of personality” 🙈 he’d run off a lot but they kind of just chased after him and laughed it off tbh. he used to get bored really fast but they said as long as he had space to run around he was fine. they never made it sound like a big problem so i guess i thought he’d just grow out of it a bit when he got older. clearly not 😩

he does have the ipad a lot i’ll be honest… like it’s the only thing that gets him to sit still even 5 mins so i end up giving in cos i’ve got baby on me most of the time too. partner defo isn’t consistent with him either, he’ll tell him off but then let him back on the ipad 10 mins later 😒 he always says “he’s just a boy” and “he’ll grow out of it” but i feel like it’s more than that now.

the food thing i’ve tried everything… he literally lives on beige food. he gags if i even put a bit of veg on his plate. hv used to say “don’t make it a battle” so i’ve backed off but maybe i should try something else.

i think i will talk to the school more properly cos they mentioned “further support” and i just nodded like an idiot cos i was embarrassed 🙈😭 i just want him to be happy and not that kid who’s always in trouble.

I work with lots of five year olds and the outcomes are so different across the board. Mostly positive though I have to say. With each passing year a little maturity comes with it. Lean into the school and try and take the offer of help. Ask for suggestions and say you are finding him a handful at home too.

Hey OP
How's he doing academically?

This is hard and I totally understand where you're coming from on this. I'm going through similar with BOTH my DS's at the min their 7 & 10. 7 yo not too bad but has a tendency to shout out when he gets frustrated with other kids getting the answer wrong & is very opinionated! 😳

10 yo similar with frustration etc.
I ask about how he's doing academically as that is big factor, Schools are VERY quick to label kids with behaviour issues, ADHD etc....... they have now just realised with my 10 yo that actually he is bored, he so far advanced to his peers and unfortunately he is being a sod at the minute. He hasn't always been though and was infact really chill until recently. Same with my 7yo he is also very advanced to the rest of his class and gets bored being told the same information over and over and over again.

I think you need to book a meeting with the teacher and maybe senco and ask what the next steps are, because what you're saying screams additional needs to me, and the school should be well set up for the next steps.
Don't think you're a bad parent, actually you're probably better than average due to all the practice you've had!
My rule is to accept everything offered whether it be appointments meetings phone calls, and always ask how you can work with the school or what you can do at home to help/support. Because all the teachers and others are really knowledgeable and come out with loads of useful information and suggestions.
Good luck!

ahhh thank you all so much 😭 seriously feel a bit less like i’m failing now. it’s such a relief to hear other kids are like this sometimes too.

academically he’s fine i think, she says he can do all the work but just won’t sit still long enough to finish it half the time 😩 makes me feel guilty cos i know he could do better if he just focused. he’s bright but the minute it’s not fun he loses it.

i think i’ll book a proper meeting with teacher and senco, actually sit down and go through everything. i’ve been nodding along to emails and messages but not really asking for help cos i just feel overwhelmed half the time 🙈 maybe i need to stop apologising for him and actually ask what i can do at home to support.

Your partner needs to be on board too.

As everyone says above, do a bit of a reset.
Could he be overtired? Does he do lots after school, clubs or wrap around?
Id suggest just coming home straight after school for quiet play, minimal TV, try and improve diet (see naturedoc kids for supplements and recipies to help with behaviour).
My son has just started Y1 and he is constantly exhausted, by Friday he is melting down over anything. It is getting better as the weeks go on but I've certainly had to say no to playdates and taken it really easy on the weekends to give him some slow down time.

Hope you find something that works

Just another thought on the food, my kids are both quite picky eaters and I now have a couple of recipie books for kids, one is the grufallo one. They are both love choosing something to make and this week happily ate a tuna jacket potato made to look like an owl 😄
If you can get him involved in helping prep food, cut mushrooms etc he might be more willing to taste it. Maybe start off with some healthy muffins first!

ugh yes i know 😩 partner defo isn’t on the same page half the time, he just thinks he’ll “grow out of it” or that i’m making a fuss. i end up feeling like i’m the bad cop and he’s the one letting him get away with stuff 😭

he’s probly overtired most days, with baby and everything we’re up all night so i think he’s just running on chaos tbh. we don’t do after school clubs, he comes home straight away but even quiet play is tricky cos he just wants ipad or tv 🙈

i’ll try to do a proper reset, slow weekends, calmer evenings, less screen, see if that helps. hope i can survive the rest of term 😭

It says in the OP that home is also an issue.

Your DH being in denial is unfair on the other children at school who have to suffer the repercussions of your DS’s behaviour. You need to get him fully on board and have a total reset as it sounds as if this has been a long term issue. Nursery saying he was “full of personality” is a polite way of saying he was an issue there too.

Year 1 is a step up from reception in terms of expectations. It does sound like he’s always been a bit of a live wire though.

food wise I’d just buy multivitamins and make sure he takes one every day. You can get sweetie type ones that kids like taking.

then look at behaviour.

if he’s on screens a lot does he get enough outside running around time?

park after school is a good way of getting out energy. Do you walk or scoot to school or is it car? Sometimes children are better at sitting quietly if they’ve burnt off some energy first.

is he tired after school or dies he still have a lot if energy?

It says he "runs around a lot" - that is not a problem in a 5 year old boy.

3rd paragraph of opening post.

plus constantly on the iPad, mum lets him cos she has baby to deal with, father is a lazer fukcer parenting-wise, he only eats a couple of things and bed time is a nightmare - so yes, home is a problem.

First off - sleep. Decent bed time routine at a decent time, quiet time, bath, stories. NO SCREENS. Ten hours sleep at least are needed, probably more.

Second - consistency. Difficult if your dp is useless which it sounds like he is. So hand him baby to deal with and you deal with ds. NO SCREENS. Burn off energy in park every day, any misbehaving, not coming when told, go straight home. He probably rules the roost. You need to be in charge. It’s how kids feel secure.