5yo getting in trouble every single day at school 😩

[CosyJumpersAndRain]

hi all, just need a bit of a handhold really cos i feel like i’m doing everything wrong 😭

my son’s only just started year 1 and we’ve literally had a message or “a quick word” at pick up every single day since term started. shouting out, not sitting still, pushing other kids when he’s frustrated, running off in the playground. teacher said he’s “always on red” on their behaviour chart and today she actually said he’s the only one in the class who’s not had a single green day 😩 i just felt so embarrassed

he’s full of energy, like never stops moving, always has been. bedtime’s a nightmare, up and down all night. eats basically nothing except plain pasta and cereal 🙈 i know it sounds bad but i’m literly exhausted with him. we’ve tried reward charts, taking screen time off, talking to him calmly, shouting (i know i shouldn’t), everything. he just laughs or goes into full meltdown mode

school hinted about maybe “further support” but i’ve no idea what that means or if they think it’s something serious. partner just says “he’ll grow out of it” but i’m not so sure anymore.

has anyone else had a 5yo like this and it turned out ok?? i feel like the worst mum ever 🤦‍♀️x

You sound very overwhelmed OP. Maybe just try to break down and focus on one thing and get your partner to support you with it. I'd say reducing screen time probably is the best priority. Follow chaoswithCara she provides great ideas that you can quickly set up in the evening for children to be engaged with the next day. When you say he refuses to leave the house, is that because he would rather he at home with a screen? X

I disagree. It did the world of good for my son. It was a screen (tablet) that was causing his meltdowns. I just took it away one day after I reached the end of my tether and never went back. He was pissed off for a week then his behaviour got so much better when he got over it. Will never go back!

Being on screens too much can produce the same symptoms as ADHD, they can also exacerbate symptoms of ADHD if he does have it. Don't listen to people who say kids with ADHD 'need it' to regulate, they are actually extremely stimulating and actually make things worse even if they do conveniently keep them quiet.

OP how much time is he spending at home doing something that isn't a screen ie being read to, games being played with him, doing puzzles with him, colouring with him etc? He's not going to know how to sit still and focus on anything if nobody is helping him to do that at home. The screen is constantly changing and moving and requires no focus or concentration - it just keeps playing and engaging without any input.

You partner sounds useless so I would really get on board with school and tell them the struggles you're having and get all the help you can for him. I would also get some childrens vitamins and make sure he has one of those every day and try and get him sleeping better with a really good wind down and bedtime routine.

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What was his Reception year like? Was he at the same school that he’s at now? Was his nursery attached to the school?

You have my sympathy OP, it must be very difficult, and your partner sounds like an irresponsible, lazy excuse for a parent which will only make things harder for you and your ds. At this point, it is unlikely that your ds will ‘grow out of it’ without any kind of support. Whether or not he turns out to have a diagnosable SN, he needs to learn that hitting other children and being disruptive is not ok.

As convenient as the iPad is, it will be contributing to negative behaviour, and you’re doing the right thing by starting to limit it.

I would be questioning the teacher having him ‘on red’ every day though and maybe provide a wobble cushion that could make sitting a bit easier for your ds. Her behaviour chart might help highlight to children who can control their behaviour more easily that they shouldn’t behave the way ‘red’ children behave, but it’s clearly doing nothing to help your ds. How is seeing himself in a negative way on his classroom wall helping him to feel motivated to try and be still when his body is telling him to do the opposite?

Hmmmm - a lot of things recommended really don’t apply is he is neurodiverse.
Mine need their ipad to regulate. But i do restrict quite severely what is on there.
Asking a high energy child to sit down to colour at the kitchen table doesn’t sound promising to me.
Pick one battle first and address it. Small but consistent steps.
I would start with exercise and routines, but that us . For you it might be restring what is on his ipad.

I know you said bedtime is a nightmare but what time are you starting at? I am home alone with a 5yo and 2mo, 5yo in first year of primary with suspected ADHD. She finishes at 2, we’re home about 2:30, into waterproofs and outside to a park, football pitch or just a walk in most weathers. Local pool membership for really bad days.

Back home at 4:30 for a quick tidy up and dinner and then I start the bedtime routine by 6, aiming for asleep by 7. I let her watch a 45 min programme while I’m doing dinner. If there’s ever a night where she is late getting to sleep, her behaviour is shocking the next day.

I know the screens topic is controversial but, as someone with ADHD, screens are great for regulating me and giving me thst quick hit in the moment but I feel so much worse after hours of it. Everyone is different but an iPad would 100% not work for me or my daughter. I wouldn’t make him aware you’re cutting down on screens, just be out of the house as much as possible so he doesn’t even realise it’s happening.

As long as he’s not getting plied with a ton of sweets and chocolate, I wouldn’t even think about the food side of it yet. People who recommend just serving him something else have no idea what it’s like to have a child who genuinely refuses all other food

So sorry his year 1 is going like this so far, it’s not a nice situation to be getting constant negative feedback

Sounds like you need to get your partner tested for ADHD too. He’s got massive problems with taking responsibility, which is a clear indicator for ADHD. No wonder you’re overwhelmed.

@Katherina198819 noone is saying it must be autism. But as a mum of a child diagnosed with ASD and suspected ADHD I know exactly what that that presents like. My son was asked to leave one preschool for "bad behaviour".......he was "disruptive, trashing the class room, pulling his teachers hair, throwing things, not eating at school". We had 4 months of back and forth, 1 week they'd tell us we were not parenting him properly, next week they thought he had ASD. Eventually we took him out after they told us they could not cope and he needed a 1:1. We then took him to see a child psychiatrist to seek out a test for ASD. The week after we took him out of preschool I moved him to a small private mainstream. preschool - 8 kids in a class and 2 teachers. And guess what - no issues from day 1! Why? Because it was the right environment for him. He's not bad, he's not poorly parented - he has ASD and he needed to be in the right setting for him.
All I'm trying to do is offer OP a glimmer of hope when she's faced with a barrage of criticism - having been there myself I know exactly how it feels having had 3 years of people telling me I'm parenting badly and that was why my son behaved the way he did. Even though we had zero TV and I was a SAHM who was entirely devoted to raising my son in his early years.
We are 2 years on from DS diagnosis - we have done parenting courses, we see a child psychologist once a fortnight, an occupational therapist every week and we are in a better place now but it is still mentally and physically exhausting in a way that noone will ever understand unless they have a child with SEN. You cannot parent away their struggles - this is not about poor parenting. By all means go cold turkey on the iPad and see if that helps. But if it doesn't work then seek external advice OP. The sooner you can be on a pathway to help, the better things can be for you and your family.

Agree. I had the same issue with Kids YouTube — my daughter only watched it on the TV, but even that was enough to change her behaviour. No YouTube allowed now, ever, and she’s doing so much better.

I never give her a tablet or phone — she can watch CBeebies or Baby TV (she weirdly still loves it even though she’s nearly 4). Occasionally, she can choose something from Netflix, but never before bedtime. We put BooSnoo (from CBeebies) on before she goes upstairs for play and stories, and it works amazingly. Back when I was a kid, you watched whatever happened to be on TV — and I’m so glad for it. I can only imagine the little terror I’d have been if I’d had a tablet and got to choose everything myself!

@Katherina198819 well that's really great it worked for you and your child. And as I said by all means OP go cold turkey on the iPad. But I don't think that is going to solve your issues of only eating a few beige things, being wired, not sleeping, the behaviour at school. I say this as someone who has been through an almost identical experience. We also had an iPad for a period of time which I also binned as I thought it was the root my sons "bad behaviour" and guess what no change.....because he has ASD. What works for one child doesn't work for every child.
I'd also trust your gut OP. I knew since my DS was 18 months that he was a bit different but everyone told me it was in my head. I couldn't work out why what everyone else did (parenting) worked for their kid but not mine. It wasn't for lack of trying.
I'd ask the school if they notice any triggers or if they can keep a diary and update you. It's one of the things our child psych asks us to do if we are having a rough patch, and ita useful to help identify patterns. You will need to for 1 or 2 weeks keep a record of every meltdown/incident. Write down where you were, what time of day was it, what he was doing before it happened, what happened during and after and anything context related like "he wasn't well or he didn't sleep well the night before". The idea is to spot patterns to work out the trigger so you can avoid them. Do you have a yoto player? If you want to try taking a break from the iPad you could try one of those. DS is similar in that he never stops moving and movement is a big part of helping him to stay regulated. He's also wired so constantly on the go, never calm or chilled unless hes watching TV. But also takes a long time to fall asleep regardless of what's been happening in the day. We are now in discussions with his pediatrician to try melatonin to help him go to sleep

You could be writing about my DS.

If the school won't screen him for ADHD & ARFID, find someone privately to do it. He may need medication.

It was a life changer for my DC.

@Crapola25 same for us. there is no magic cure. for us, the ipad is a lifeline. people need to systematically try things to find what works. maybe its the ipad, maybe sports, maybe ballet (almost a miracle cure for my youngest), art, …
Consistency usually helps. Otherwise it’s about finding your solution

Fucking hell. A ND kid would be wibbling in a corner starving to death if people who enforce this stuff were in charge.

This place is weird tonight.

Talk to the school OP, ask what they mean about extra support. They've seen it all.

If the year one at your son's school is very sit down all day/ no afternoon play then consider looking for a different school that does continuous provision or takes a softer play based approach. Ive seen plenty of lovely children go off the rails because the idiots in charge of education have ruined year one.

Sorry but all this is laziness and excuses.
Refuses to leave the house? He doesn't get that choice. He goes where you want him to go.
He had a tantrum if you take the screens off him? S let him scream himself hoarse. He'll wear himself out. Doesn't matter if the baby has a bit of a disturbed day for long term benefits.
Tell him the iPad is broken and the TV remote has been flushed down the loo. Play with him a bit. There must be something he enjoys doing that you can do together.

i had all the other mums staring while i’m stood there with buggy trying not to cry.
Could you use the Motherland line on them. "Back off! Its not the Antiques Roadshow!"
Just kidding. I'd say "Yes please, I'd like the help you are offering" to the teacher. You could ask if there's any possibility of them speaking to you about your son out
of earshot of the other mums in future.

I definitely think you need to take this further with the school and have meetings with the teacher about next steps. They are probably finding it very difficult to manage his behaviour alongside the 29 or so other children and if he was in the Senco system he might get more 1-1 support which takes the pressure off the classroom and stops him disrupting everyone else. Unfortunately in Year 1 most of the day is spent learning, maths, phonics, reading etc and whilst there is break time he will be expected to sit and listen and then sit and do the lessons with everyone else

@latishia6

Is your child dx with adhd? If so, I'm glad that worked for you, but I'm not talking about a nice idea I've had. I'm talking about hard science. Studies, hours of work. If it doesn't apply to your child, that's fine, but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. How did your child's adhd manifest?

Combined type ADHD, hyperactivity, huge meltdowns, unable to focus, needs his own desk at school and can't work with other children, refusal of anything asked of him, flight risk, under a sleep therapist etc. He also has ASD. What hard evidence is there that says removing or significantly reducing screens from children who have behavioural problems won't help?

Oh come on. It's the Smart Arse Know it all Mommy to NT kids school of thought.

Let's hope they've stopped having babies, because it'd be just like life to throw 'em a curve ball of an SEN child. See how they like THOSE apples.

Re the iPad, lock it away somewhere high so he can’t find it and tell him it’s broken and you’ve sent it away. He will have a melt down but be prepared for it and do not give in! It will make such a difference to his behaviour if he doesn’t use it.
Remember when you were growing up no one had iPads and kids found other things to do. Good luck x

Honestly it must be really hard being spoken to each day by the teacher, perhaps suggest a home school book.

Also as has been said already,it does appear that the class is very formal in its approach to learning, maybe you could investigate if there are any alternative schools with a more play based curriculum?

Op, a quick park trip or scoot doesn’t sound actually like much exercise. I would be signing him up for more after school sports.

I’ve taught Year 1 and it’s usually a mix of sitting down for short sessions of phonics, Maths etc interspersed with free play. If he’s not sitting at all for these sessions then you need to get support as he will start to fall behind the other children.

My children have too much screen time so I know how hard it is to reduce it. I would start by having screen free times during the afternoon or evening. Plan a different activity each day such as Lego, playdough or cooking. Use it as a bonding session and also positive time together. Would he sit and look at a picture book with you for a few minutes? Consider a lift the flap or sticker book. He may enjoy walking to a library and choosing his own books.

ADHD