5yo getting in trouble every single day at school 😩

[CosyJumpersAndRain]

hi all, just need a bit of a handhold really cos i feel like i’m doing everything wrong 😭

my son’s only just started year 1 and we’ve literally had a message or “a quick word” at pick up every single day since term started. shouting out, not sitting still, pushing other kids when he’s frustrated, running off in the playground. teacher said he’s “always on red” on their behaviour chart and today she actually said he’s the only one in the class who’s not had a single green day 😩 i just felt so embarrassed

he’s full of energy, like never stops moving, always has been. bedtime’s a nightmare, up and down all night. eats basically nothing except plain pasta and cereal 🙈 i know it sounds bad but i’m literly exhausted with him. we’ve tried reward charts, taking screen time off, talking to him calmly, shouting (i know i shouldn’t), everything. he just laughs or goes into full meltdown mode

school hinted about maybe “further support” but i’ve no idea what that means or if they think it’s something serious. partner just says “he’ll grow out of it” but i’m not so sure anymore.

has anyone else had a 5yo like this and it turned out ok?? i feel like the worst mum ever 🤦‍♀️x

She said bedtime is a circus, or words to that effect, and that he refuses all but beige food, gagging on the smallest offering of a vegetable, also that he only sits still when looking at a screen.

Am picking up on your embarrassment here at pick up- I had the same with both mine. The fear every single day of "just a quick word please" became overwhelming. I asked school to stop doing it as it singled them out in front of other kids and parents and told them to do it by phone or email only, which they broadly stuck to. Was handy later as I had to do a subject access request on DS2 file to back up a CAMHS assessment in Y5.

By no means an expert, but some things that worked here during the beige food and can’t settle phase: colourful pasta mixed in led to willingness to try more things and sensory wind down before bed (gamified like making them into a pizza or a burrito but basically massage, pressure, and squeezing). Good luck!

No screens. No screens. No screens.

When you say he runs around a lot, where is this running taking place?

Sounds like he needs to run around a lot more and use up some energy. Charging about outside would be better than being on the iPad all the time.

How much sport (proper sport, not just playground) does be do a week? i have a child who needs st least sn hour of sport per day, otherwise he is trouble.
Do he does acrobatics, ballet, tap, judo, swimming and hockey.
That, and a proper routine.

Not 'less screens' - try NO SCREENS. HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD. He doesn't need screens.
He shoulder what you put in front of him, and go to bed when you say so. 'Full of personality is just code for unruly brat.
Be the parent OP. You can turn this around.

wow ok 😕 i get what everyone’s saying but some of this feels a bit harsh tbh. i am trying. i’m literally on my own with him most of the day, partner works all hours, baby screaming half the time and the house a bomb site. it’s not like i’m just letting him run wild on purpose 🙈

yes he’s always been full on, and yes i probly rely on screens too much but it’s honestly survival sometimes. if i take it away completely he goes into meltdown mode, proper screaming, throwing stuff. i’ve tried taking it off gradually but then baby wakes up from nap and it all kicks off again 🤦‍♀️

pick up today was awful btw. teacher said he hit another kid with a pencil 😭 said it wasn’t hard but still. i had all the other mums staring while i’m stood there with buggy trying not to cry. i didn’t even know what to say except “i’ll talk to him” but i just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

i know i need to get partner on board more and maybe be firmer but it’s not as easy as just saying “no screens” and “he should do sport” when he’s five and refuses to leave the house some days. i’m not making excuses i swear, i’m just shattered and trying my best x

What do you mean? I don’t think it’s the school’s responsibility to do the parenting.
I’m sorry, but that kind of behaviour isn’t okay. It sounds like he doesn’t listen, probably because boundaries at home aren’t consistent.
OP, I understand he’s active — but being active isn’t the same as being allowed to misbehave.
He only eats plain pasta and cereal? That’s because that’s what you’re giving him! Don’t ask what he wants — just put the food in front of him. If he eats it, great; if not, that’s okay too. Skipping a meal or two not going to hurt him.
Maybe instead of blaming a 5-year-old for acting his age, it’s worth looking at what can change at home.
You’re the parent, and consistency really matters — if you often give in instead of sticking with boundaries, this is the kind of result you’ll see.

Hey OP @CosyJumpersAndRain might go against the grain of some other posters but I have an almost 5 year old who was diagnosed with ASD at 3. His dad has ADHD and I strongly suspect DS has ADHD also.
Having been in a similar position to you - firstly don't beat yourself up. I would not listen to other posters berating you for letting your son watch TV. We didn't have a TV for the first 3.5 years of DS life. We have had periods of banning the TV that have lasted months, as well confiscating toys and various other consequences for "undesirable behaviour". Unfortunately there is no "learned behaviour" with DS, it really does not make a difference whether he watches tv or not etc. DS becomes overwhelmed and has a meltdown or "disproportionate reaction" to many things. It's exhausting.
My opinion is that there is likely an underlying SEN issue ans you should work with the school and ask for help and advice. My son also is very fussy with food and has a limited diet.
He's in a mainstream private school and we don't have issues in school but we face alot of challenges at home. We find keeping him regulated as much as possible at home helps to keep him calm at school. But every day is up and down.

Oh OP. Sounds so tough. Huge hugs. Well done for making the first steps towards change.

I have an intense, active 5 year old who needs lots of physical and mental exercise. He’d be absolutely awful with an iPad - they are just too stimulating for some young children to stop without all hell breaking lose. So much so we just don’t own one. I’m lazy and the idea of putting boundaries around something so addictive feels like more hard work then it is worth.

It will be hell to start with but I’d do an iPad detox. I’d schedule TV time on the actual TV so it’s predictable. Give as much TV time as you need to make life with the baby possible, but don’t make it seem like a last resort or a time filler. Be the one in control of it. Give a bit, turn it off and do something else, then give a bit again.

Make sure your house is in order - so predictable, regular mealtimes (offer safe food at first, getting rid of the iPad will be hard enough) and predictable bedtime and wake up time. How much is he sleeping at night currently?

Does your school offer any after school activities? Ours does mixed dance club twice a week for free which is amazing. Other than that, wrap baby up in the carrier or pram, get your coat and flask and get out to anywhere he can burn energy. Someone upthread said about daily organised sports. This is completely out of the question for most families due to finances, but even if you can stretch to swimming lessons or karate once a week it’ll be good for him.

Does he have access to mentally stimulating activities at home? Mine likes Lego and crafting (if he’s been exercised). Maybe see how far you get with an exciting box of new Lego if he hasn’t been exposed to it before.

Alongside all of the above, I think you should engage with school. Tell them and show them all the changes you are making. If they offer you a parent course, then take it and do it. If, despite tightening up stuff at home he’s still disruptive at school, he’ll need referral for consideration of neurodiversity.

Good luck OP

@Katherina198819 this us terrible advice - my son has ASD and would rather starve than eat a food he doesn't want to eat. We have been there. It's pretty common with kids that have Arfid/ASD and at this stage we don't know if the OPs child might have some SEN.
Having been in OPs shoes 2 years ago, before my sons ASD diagnosis I was utterly so fed up of being accused of poor parenting. By all means OP try parenting away your sons issues but I doubt that's going to help.

I know I’m old but I can’t imagine a world where I’d give an iPad to a child of that age!
5 year olds should not have screen time. It destroys their social abilities, their imagination, their language skills and their ability to concentrate. No wonder he’s a nightmare at school!

I get that you find it hard juggling 2 children but screens are the problem,not the solution

Mine are both neurodiverse - i get the struggle.
Mine slso had ipads at 5. i need a break at time. But we limited what was on them quite drastically (basically to ceebeebies).
And we made sure they had a lot of exercise (mine desperately need sports- they are insufferable without) and we provided routine (both really need routine).
Ignore the food for the time being - fed is best.
Try to do little steps - an active after school club, a routine (every day after school we go to the park), and stick to it. its hard, but you will get there!!!

You’re getting a really hard time on here OP.

Do set boundaries; restrict screens but don’t totally remove. Ride out the tantrums and make it clear if the bad behaviour doesn’t improve the screens go altogether.

Don’t feel embarrassed- the teacher is giving you useful advice and a benchmark - he is the only one who can’t regulate his behaviour. That’s an alarm bell - try everything else first as it does sound like your parenting is not effective and then think SEN later.

Why does everyone assume that if a child misbehaves, it must mean autism?
I know plenty of badly behaved children, and I know for a fact they don’t have anything underlying going on.

If the OP genuinely suspects something, then yes — it’s absolutely worth getting it checked out.
But it’s so frustrating that every time someone posts about their child doing something embarrassing on Mumsnet, the replies are always, “He must have autism.”

Of course, if you’ve set clear boundaries and the child still acts out, then yes, sometimes there is an underlying issue.
But when the OP is just making excuses or shifting the blame, I honestly don’t think that’s the case.

Plus, he’s clearly overstimulated at home.
OP said he’s on the iPad far too much — and honestly, I can’t understand why a 5-year-old needs that much screen time. No wonder he struggles at school. Sitting still for 40 minutes with no change of scenery, bright colours, loud sounds — it’s completely different stimulation.

He needs a serious cutback on screens. Maybe a bit of CBeebies on the TV, but that’s it. I’d bet good money OP would see a big shift in his behaviour once the screens are gone.

I recommend reading ‘how to raise a happy adhd child’. It may, of course, not be relevant - but from what you’re saying I think it might be.

And iPad time can be how adhd kids self regulate to recover from the pressure they are under day to day. Be aware of that if you want to take it away.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time. I have been through similar situations at times with my two. I understand the exhaustion and overwhelm.

Can you reach out to your local early help hub? They have been great at liaising with school and going in to work with my kids and seeing what support can be sought. Just Google the term early help and your local authority and see what comes up. You can usually self refer. Do reach out and meet with school too. They will want to help.

• iPad is broken from now on. TV time is fine but you give him a choice of stuff to watch (cbeebies, no YouTube at all, nature documentaries, horrible science, balamory, topsy and tim puffin rock etc slow and calm TV shows mostly) and enforce tele off time. if he would like to know specifically what time then schedule in TV time and TV off time
• Cbeebies radio is great if you want background stories and content without him glued to a screen. Same with yoto or tonies if you have one he needs to go swimming after school or on a weekend consistently
• Park further away if you drive to school and have him scoot in to burn morning energy
• Straight after school go to the skatepark etc baby bundled up in pram
• Slow cooker meals and easy prepped stuff. Beige food fine but present it with new stuff and veggies on side or make your own breaded chicken nuggets etc. Some buffet style meals. Everyone sat at table. If he refuses to eat say OK and later on he can have weetabix or porridge for supper no drama.
• Behaviour board/reward chart - smiley faces or whatever for good behaviour and if he does something on the bad behaviour side then no TV time - but you still make sure you play with him where you can "sorry DS, you made a bad choice of hitting/shouting/screaming so you don't get your 1pm TV time - you can look at books or I can set up your trains or a puzzle. If you make good choices you can earn your next TV time at 4pm" or similar
• Have a jigsaw or cars or colouring set up on your kitchen table ready for him to come home to after school, so whilst you crack on with baby he can get stuck into something
• Get books out from library about emotions and social behaviours to read before bed and chat about together

Sounds a lot ADHD or poor example of behaviour at home, or a combo of both.
my husband has ADHD. When he is struggling with poor emotional regulation (and he reverts to acting how his parents did in his childhood: shouting, aggression) then it has a knock-on effect on my son’s behaviour.

Cold turkey on screen time. TV allowed only on weekends.
At least 2 sports a week, might need more.
Less beige food on plate, more fruit and veg.
Having a baby and a 5 year old isn’t unusual or a reason to allow him to veg out on screen time, run around feral and not give him a balanced diet. I’m not surprised he’s having issues at school with how things are at home.

thanks to the ones being kind cos honestly i feel like i’ve just been kicked while i’m already down 😭 i know not everyone means to but some of it’s proper brutal to read when i’m already knackered and feel like i’m failing my kid

i get that the screens are a problem and i’m not sitting here thinking it’s fine that he’s glued to it 🙈 it’s just been survival mode for ages. partner doesn’t really step in so it’s literally me juggling baby and a 5yo who never stops moving. it’s easy to say just take it away but it’s like pressing a big red meltdown button in this house.

i do actually take him out loads when the weather’s ok, park after school if i can manage it with the buggy, sometimes we scoot in the morning too. he’s got so much energy i swear he could power the national grid 😂 but even after that he still bounces off the walls at home.

i’ll look into some of the calmer tv ideas people said like cbeebies and radio and try and make it more structured cos right now it’s just whenever i’m desperate 🤦‍♀️ and yeah i’ll try talking to school about early help or whatever that is cos i honestly feel out my depth

i know i need to be stricter but i also know he’s not just being “naughty” all the time. it feels bigger than that sometimes. i just want to do right by him x

Some good ideas. Don’t panic! Engage with school- they are only trying to get the best learning and outcome for your child. It’s really not personal. Requesting a meeting with the teacher and Senco is a great step. At home, reduce or remove screens. (Read the Anxious Generation if you can!) Early bedtimes might help if he’s tired and some structured play like board games or jigsaws for positive attention. Does he do any clubs, like football? It’s the age lots of children begin to enjoy one thing outside of school.
Reflect on your own parenting, what are you doing well and what are you not doing. Are you consistent, firm with boundaries, do you give boundaries, explain expectations, give directions that he must follow etc. (like go to the bathroom to brush your teeth.)
The diet thing is odd. Temporarily yes, pick your battles, but long term no veggies can make a child feel awful and affect their immune system. Begun to introduce these slowly- pick his favourite to start and grow from there.
best of luck- honestly being willing to accept he needs to behave better (ND aside) is the first crucial step.