I'm worried that our explanation of menopause scared our daughter

[menopausalmom2025]

My husband and I are both 47. Our youngest child is a 6 year old girl. I was red and sweating like crazy because of a hot flash when my husband and daughter came in. She asked if I'm sick and my husband told her "No honey, mommy going through menopause. It's a natural thing that happens to women at this age. That explains why mommy gets hot sometimes and why she gets those cute chin hairs that she plucks out. Sweetie, a long time from now, you'll go through the same thing."

I was too busy feeling like I was on fire to help in that conversation. I know that sometimes parents give explanations on topics, like periods, that unnecessarily freak kids out. I'm worried that we gave a very bad explanation.

I think it's not that they tried to explain it, it's how it was done, really.

I don’t know why people pile in like this - do they go through life never mentioning anything a bit tactless a bit uncomfortable. Shock horror at chin hairs - don’t they pluck them out -or maybe they are all under 25 and don’t think they’ll ever get them.

No, some of us have been through it. As I said upthread, I've been through the menopause and never had a chin hair.
It's just been dealt with badly, but it's hardly a catastrophe. I'd just leave well alone in case she looks upset or asks for reassurance.

Why is she too young? My DC understood periods at that age (for similar reasons - they thought there was something wrong with me because they saw blood in the toilet bowl) - if I was having hot flushes explaining menopause would be a natural follow on from that.

If someone thinks it's truly a terrible thing, they can just talk to me instead of just talking about me. I'm here so they can just engage with me. Ask me questions. They could have asked me how I felt about it, if it hurts my feelings, does he usually say things like that, etc.

I dont see the massive issue.

Im currently going through meno, and I have the hot flushes and the chin hairs. My kids, one of whom is also a 6 year old girl, have definitely not been shielded from it. Shes sat and watched me shave the the hairs and knows that when shes a bit bigger, she will have periods, and when she's a lot lot bigger, they'll stop and sometimes it can be a bit uncomfortable and your body changes, just like when you're growing up.

My husband and other kids gently tease me about the chin hairs...but I also take the piss out of myself with it too and I dont find it offensive.

I guess it is what your own feelings are about it. We are very open and relaxed about it all, but if youre not usually, it could be a bit daunting. Its like with periods, my daughter knows about them. I dont suffer with (or didnt, before meno hit) my periods so she knows that for some people, they are completely problem free but that some people do get tummy ache with them, and both are normal. Same with meno - my mum sailed through it whereas im struggling more.

What exactly is so wrong with the explanation? The bit about chin hairs is a bit random but other than that? Explaining it’s a normal thing women go through seems reasonable.

Usually my husband only gives me very conventional and g-rated compliments in front of our kids. Like calling me beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, cute, etc.
The teasing flirting is usually left to when the kids aren't around.
My kids don't tease me about my menopause symptoms. The older ones probably know.

I started HRT very recently.

Its the bit about it happening to her, she will probably go through menopause but she won't necessarily get hot flushes or chin hairs. I think a six year old wouldn't like the idea of chin hairs, I don't and I'm in my 70s and glad I don't have them.

So you're saying we should be careful about saying what's going to happen to her, specifically ?

But she won't necessarily get hot flushes or chin hairs so he wasn't correct. Not the end of the world just a bit unnecessary. Understanding periods 4 or 5 years before you get them is a bit different to understanding the menopause 40 or 50 years before you get it, not to mention that yes you lose blood when you have a period but you don't automatically have hot flushes or chin hair with the menopause.

It's not that. It's the "cute little chin hairs" comment, and then finding out this was him flirting. Why is he using his wife's menopause symptoms* and his 6yo daughter's question to flirt?

That's the weird bit.

I doubt she's even noticed the chin hairs, especially if they are plucked out (don't think my DP has even noticed any chin hairs on me).

*I'm not sure chin hairs are a menopause thing, just a thing.

Anyway, the better answer would be "don't worry, mummy's not unwell, just a bit hot, that can happen when you get older".

Well you don't know do you, so telling her something will happen when you don't know it will happen seems odd. I mean would you tell her other things will definitely happen like you will have children or you will get married? Might happen might not.

As I said earlier it isn't the end of the world so I think you are overthinking it, if she seems upset about it maybe explain it in a more general way, women go through the menopause at a certain age and I'm going through it now so I get hot flushes, not a big problem as I soon cool down. That sort of thing.

It’s been part of my expectation of menopause as long as I can remember and I seem to have survived without being traumatised. Probably OP’s DH doesn’t have a vast amount of experience of menopause himself so probably assumes what OP is going through is the norm. I think OP is overthinking it - it’s not a textbook answer from her DH but it is fine!

Oh OP don't apologise. It's really not that bad, you must know what it's like on here. It's nothing!!! She's not going to be damaged by it!!

If only they'd said that. Instead there was a bit of a strange exchange and the little girl is touching her chin.
No, I wouldn't explain it to a 6 year old. I'd just say I was feeling a bit hot.

I don't think it's a big deal. As ever, people on her just enjoy a pile on.
Do they talk to people like this in real life ?

I'm sorry if I had wasted everyone's time.

So you've gone through years expecting hot flushes and chin hair? Maybe I didn't get them because I wasn't expecting them. On a serious note I think we've gone from not talking about the menopause to having horror stories about it, the brain fog, the hot flushes, the insomnia and so on. A bit of balance wouldn't be a bad thing.

The other thing is why did he explain it, as you say he probably has little experience of it and there was a woman with lived experience standing there. Maybe let her do the talking.

My DC are boys so dont have a direct need to know about periods, pregnancy or indeed menopause but they know something about all of them because any questions get (age appropriate) answers.

You didn't, you came on for opinions, it's fine. I'd just leave it, tbh, unless she raises the subject.
She'll probably just forget about it.
Don't worry.

Should I take the same approach with the older kids ?

Seems completely fine to me. Why are people worked up about the chin hairs comment? Seems utterly normal to me to talk about that in silly or casual way

It depends on the situation and what they ask.

They'll get some of this in school soon.

I don't recall even being aware of menopause when I was a kid. I certainly didn't spend my life expecting hot flushes and chin hair.

The other kids are a 13 year old, a 17 year old, and a 20 year old. All girls.