I cant do this anymore, I dont want my baby

[Sobbingat3am]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm in such a dark place at the moment. My husband has taken the baby to try and settle him for what seems like the 100th time tonight. We've been up since 1am. We haven't slept properly since the baby was born 5 months ago. Hes never been one to sleep continuously well. We had the 4 month sleep regression. It was hell and nearly broke me. A couple of weeks of better sleep and now here we are again. Waking every few minutes. Worse than the regression. We pick him up, he falls asleep. We put him down he's awake again, scratching the sides of the next me and banging his legs. He's been breastfed, he's not wet, we've given him calpol, Ibuprofen and teething powder.
Im broken. I hate my life. I don't want my baby. It wasnt like this before. I'm so sleep deprived I cant cope anymore. 😔

At that stage I brought mine into bed with me and they slept quite quickly . That may help, as long as you are doing drink or drugs of any kind.

Have you tried a cup for milk instead of a bottle. Could he be intolerant to dairy? If he seems in pain. Definitely speak to your health visitor.

I’m still co-sleeping with my nearly 3 year old as it makes the night wake ups much easier - I think doing what you need to do to get some sleep
is a priority. This can go on years and you need a method that allows you to get a decent chunk of sleep each night.

Maybe get his tonsils checked. One of my ds has been a horrendous sleeper since birth. A strict routine, nothing works.

He has recently been getting recurrent tonsillitis and the paediatrician confirmed that they were very large and likely contributing to his bad sleep.

My only recommendations are co sleeping and sleeping early. If he’s waking for milk then give him it. Mine does normally settle after a bottle of milk but still wakes up 5-6 times a night at 18 months. Ds1 was sleeping through at 12 weeks.

Letting them cry is not helpful and teaches them nothing.

My heart truly goes out to you - sleep deprivation is utter torture. Sorry if this has already been suggested, but are you warming the surface before you put him down? I discovered, completely by accident, that mine needed to be just a bit warmer than the guidelines say and settled much better on a warmed, slightly mussed-up surface rather than a smooth sheet (our elderly cat fell out of an upstairs window and I put him down in a complete panic in the laundry basket on top of a bundle of clothes that had just come out of the dryer, and he didn't stir at all and slept in there for ages!). I guess it feels a bit more like being held. Obviously you need to keep sleep safety in mind and I don't recommend warm laundry as a regular strategy, but that discovery did help us to turn a corner. Even now, as a giant teenager, he prefers a rumpled bed to a lovely freshly made one.

Unfortunately, studies have shown that formula fed babies don't sleep any better than breastfed babies and sleep training gets parents and average of 12 minutes extra sleep a night. Hardly worth the effort.

As others have said, trading off shifts is a good plan, and safe bed sharing.

Something which worked well for me and a lot of my EBF friends was taking a day every now and then to just sleep all day whilst DH took the baby, only bringing them for feeds and then taking them straight away again. That can really help you reset.

It passes. It's a hard stretch but you'll come out on the other side.

Sweetheart. It sounds so tough, but I want you to know it usually gets a lot better. I've been there, I promise I've been there!
I've been the one travelling around with my baby in the car at 3am trying to get them to sleep because they won't! Tim Hortons became my middle of the night coffee spot.

And strangely now, I feel like it was so long ago! My youngest is 19 months old now, and neither are great sleepers, but they're both asleep by 10, I get an hour to myself and generally the older sleeps most of the night and we get until 6am, most days!

I feel like a whole new woman now I get sleep!
Do you have anyone to support who can come and take care of the baby for a whole night?

Persevere with the bottle he will take it eventually. Mine was like thar but after consistently trying it worked.
It's all trial an error.
You are strong enough and more than you realise you are, it's hard to see that when you're knackered.
You're doing great and you'll get there.
Just be easier on yourself. No one is perfect.

This was my second son. It was torture. He never needed sleep and could manage on about 5 hours a day from birth, I kid you not. It was that bad that he was referred to a sleep clinic and given medication. None of that worked. I tried letting him cry out, tried classical music and all the advice they gave and nothing.

what helped was this: sleeping with me. I was a single mum with a 6 year old too and we were so sleep deprived I thought fuck it. Put him in bed with me and he slept like a baby (excuse the pun)

you’ve got to do what’s best for you. My son slept with me until he was 8. Now he sleeps in his own bed and moans as a 12 year old when I tell him to get up!

it’ll get better, I swear xxx

Always put him to sleep on his back, that’s really important. Putting babies to sleep on their tummy hugely increases risk of SIDS.

(BTW, please don't be tempted to listen to well meaning but unsafe suggestions! Babies need to sleep on a flat, clear surface (which can be in a bed with a breastfeeding mother), not in a bouncer or anywhere else. They can suffocate. It's not safe for an under 6 month old to sleep in a different room. Under 6 month olds do not need solids and there's a lot more calories in breastmilk than in purees.)

Hi OP,

Can see you've had loads of good advice already but just wanted to say that my baby clicked when he fed and it was a definite tongue tie sign which went after he was treated. The NHS wouldn't treat it as they said the scores were borderline so we had it done privately.

OP, it sucks, but it is normal. I think the most helpful thing is to reframe your expectations around your baby's sleep. Split the nights with your husband and accept that for the next however long, you're not going to be getting a huge amount of sleep.

You can try all the things listed in this thread - they won't hurt - but afaik there is no intervention that has been shown to improve infant sleep. Sleep training alone does improve parental sleep (not baby sleep), but before you do it, know that it's a temporary sticking plaster - parents who sleep train do so 2-5 times in the first year.

It will get better! And then worse, probably. But then hopefully better again. 🧡

Yes it is normal to feel this way, sleep deprivation is a horrible thing. It will get better, I promise you. Having a baby is such hard work, they were the hardest parts of my life. Co sleeping worked well with children and meant I got more sleep.

Yes I think it's important to remember that people are making whatever suggestions they think might help. You can take what resonates or what seems sensible to you but you don't need to try everything, and there may not be any perfect solution anyway.

Quality sleep is your priority and if you can come up with some strategy between the two of you to get good chunks of sleep in turn then that's going to help a huge amount, I think. Even, as pp said, having a full day's sleep each over the weekend to catch up as much as possible, if that's feasible.

It is tough when you've got a baby who needs a lot of help sleeping or who has low sleep needs.

Both mine have always woken frequently thoroughout the night and have needed help sleeping.

I co slept because it's the only way we'd get any decent chunk of sleep.

Im my experience, babies go through lots of bad sleep phases so I'd reframe your mindset as this being something that's expected rather than abnormal.

I found sleep gets worse during any sort of developmental leap and when teething and with colds/sickness bugs and sometimes just randomly too!

Try to rest more during the day, call in family to help if at all possible, make sure DH pulls his weight. And remember, everything is just a phase.

Just going through similar with mine, I've read a lot of the replies but have you checked he's not cold?
My boy runs cold at night so is going to bed in a short sleeve vest, plus babygrow and 2.5 tog sack - anything less and he wakes most of the night.
If you want to continue to have baby in your room, you can use a cot with a side removed or not if you dont want to co-sleep or get a next 2 me forever (takes them to about 3.5 years but isn't as deep as a cot.
It does get better - the days are long but the years are short.

We co slept after the first waking, I gave up on the alongside cot because he woke up the moment I tried to transfer him to it. If there is anywhere else you partner could sleep just in the short term while you sleep with the baby so you can all get some sleep that would help.

Sympathies, it’s hideous but it does get easier if you go with what the baby wants.

Mine hated being a baby too, hated not being in charge of his own life! As soon as he could move independently and say some words he was the happiest cutest little toddler. You will get there OP.

I agree persevere but my son wouldn’t take one at all. We bought every single brand - even obscure ones. We tried and tried- we couldn’t have tried harder . We even tried mild starvation in the hope he’d get hungry enough - nope he would have starved himself he was so stubborn so had to give him what he wanted all along ! I had to breastfeed until 15 months when I only have planned to do for 6.

Would you feel up to posting a vague- not too identifying location, there are some great support groups in our area that saved me but unless we’re close that’s not v helpful. I’m guessing Mums local to you might know of similar though!!

Its so rough at times, you are absolutely not alone in thinking you can’t hack it

I’m so sorry it’s so tough OP. I have a 4 month old who won’t take a bottle or dummy and only contact naps at the moment and even that feels a lot on me. He is my second baby and my first was completely different!
These phases do pass, lean on your husband as much as you can. The leg thumping my first did a lot - I feel with him it was a developmental thing but also when they worm around a lot it can be temperature related and it has dropped a lot at night recently so check he’s not cold.
maybe look at day sleep and make sure there’s not too much day sleep - no napping in dark rooms etc otherwise it can stop sleep pressure building.
If you don’t want to sleep train you really don’t have to - look at Lynsey hookway and Dr Pam Douglas for the possums method, as neither do you have to put up with such little sleep and it could just be just a tweaking of ‘routine’
Do also look at silent reflux and oral ties etc, lots to unpack but you’ll get there.
also the whole formula over breastmilk argument is silly - your doing an amazing job at feeding your baby and amazingly even formula fed babies often don’t sleep well!! Sending lots of strength and hope it passes for you soon

I had a hard time with my little one. We tried all sorts - similar to what has been recommended here.
What really helped us was a baby chiropractor - we had 3 sessions. He used to dribble his milk and seem uncomfortable when sleeping - he just had a stiff shoulder in non-medical terms. The act of being born puts a lot of strain on babies too and they can’t show muscle ache or help themselves with it.
A friend had similar and baby massage classes seemed to help her so I would recommend the chiropractor or baby massage if you haven’t tried these.
And keep going - you are doing great!

I breastfed all of mine well into their second year so I'm all for it and I absolutely agree that you should continue with that if you can. However I think there is also room for supplementing with whole, good, nutritious foods in some instances once baby is 6 months old, which isn't all that far away now. I know of several babies who were just really hungry babies and it was too much for mum to be constantly feeding through the night.

In any case, I really hope you will see improvement soon. Sometimes just knowing that other people have been through it and come out the other side can be enough to renew your hope that you won't feel this horrid forever.