I cant do this anymore, I dont want my baby

[Sobbingat3am]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm in such a dark place at the moment. My husband has taken the baby to try and settle him for what seems like the 100th time tonight. We've been up since 1am. We haven't slept properly since the baby was born 5 months ago. Hes never been one to sleep continuously well. We had the 4 month sleep regression. It was hell and nearly broke me. A couple of weeks of better sleep and now here we are again. Waking every few minutes. Worse than the regression. We pick him up, he falls asleep. We put him down he's awake again, scratching the sides of the next me and banging his legs. He's been breastfed, he's not wet, we've given him calpol, Ibuprofen and teething powder.
Im broken. I hate my life. I don't want my baby. It wasnt like this before. I'm so sleep deprived I cant cope anymore. 😔

Hilarious. You must be loaded.

I suggest that baby is built to survive and may want attention.
A little cry is fine every now and then.

My DD wouldn’t sleep unless she was on me or directly next to me for about three months. If the mattress is put on the floor and you can have some kind of little device. You could potentially find a way of having the baby with you and maybe they’ll be more settled.

Do they sleep during the day? Or are you able to sleep during the day when they are? it feels wrong that a baby is crying that much.

If your baby is 5 months old this is the hardest part I found. Things will improve!
Sleep deprivation is horrible, but set low expectations for yourself around day arrangements. Hopefully you are still on maternity leave, if you are then take it easy in the day, don't make plans and just rest when you can.

I found my little one had gas issues at this stage, I don't think it did work but you can try gripe water or Infacol. I massaged her tummy a lot in the night which helped.

This phase will pass, my little one is 20 months now and we still have bad nights on occasion, but it will get better.

Remember to be kind to yourself, but speak to family, friends and health visitors so you can get some help and advice.

I also agreed with someone saying buy a rockit, I found it worked and also white noise worked really well. Either through a Bluetooth speaker or a Ewan dream sheep.

Buy a bouncer. It's not supposed to be used at night, but I did when I was really desperate. It has a battery that makes the bouncer vibrate and it makes the baby sleep. Alternatiely, you could try cosleeping in a safe way. When everything fails, just switch to the bottle (buy a breast pump). Fill the baby up with a bottle and he/she should sleep for 2h stretch at least.

Really feel for you OP, we are in the middle of the 4 month sleeping regression with my second and we had it bad with our first as well. It’s probably an unpopular opinion but have you thought about sleep training? We did it at 6 months with my first and I wish we’d done it sooner (you can do it from 5 months). Within two nights she was sleeping through and she was happier and so was I as a result. There are different methods to do this (some gentler than others) and we worked with a sleep consultant. Best £200 we ever spent.

All your feelings are normal, lack of sleep is the worst. Wishing you the best of luck x

Have you tried swaddling??
It was a godsend when my son was a baby as he used to fling his arms and legs everywhere and keep himself awake, were as as soon as we swaddled him he couldn’t do it anymore and settled to sleep right through the night.
Its worth a try, I swore by it.

I'm so overwhelmed with all your responses, thank you so much for being there for me. I've read every single one and you've had me in tears with your support.
When the baby finally went down early hours this morning, my husband held me as I cried myself to sleep. I really don't feel like i'm strong enough to be cut out for this.
I will try and answer as many questions as I can.
Cosleeping: we tried this for a while when baby was younger. It worked for a bit. But he ended up not sleeping very well in the end and sleeping better in his next to me.
Formula/Bottles: my baby doesnt take a bottle. We've tried and tried, but he just doesnt drink from them, so I don't think this will work sadly.
Silent reflux: He had mild reflux as a baby, but it's seemed to have gone now. He used to posset quite a bit and grunting in his sleep, but not anymore. He prefers to sleep on his tummy, but in the day has no problems lying on his back. What are the symptoms of silent reflux?
Tongue tie: This is a tricky one. So in the hospital, most of the nurses and midwives said he didnt have tongue tie. One of the less experienced wondered if he did have it mildly. I saw a gp for it and she also thought there was a mild tongue tie, but it was t causing any issues. So we couldn't get referred. He sometimes clicks when feeding, but otherwise is a very healthy weight. He has good feeds before a nap and a small one when he wakes up. But he's having less when he wakes up, he seems full. So every few hours. He also only needs feeding twice overnight maximum at the moment. He doesnt need more when offered, I do offer just to make sure. So the night feeds aren't an issue. It's the waking up when he's put down.
Sleep training: not something I wanted to do, but I think we need to start getting him to fall asleep independently at the start of his sleep/naps.
Someone asked about the sounds in the night. He wasn't crying, the leg thumping is something he does when he wakes up. I don't feel like it's due to discomfort, just something he does.

Last night we gave him Ibuprofen and teething powder. After this, my husband held him for a bit and when he put him down, he was sound asleep for a good couple of hours. Could it be teething? He already has 2 teeth, but these didnt bother him much when they came through.
The nights starting getting a bit harder a week - week and a half ago, getting worse the last couple of nights. I'm not sure if teething pain lasts that amount of time?

Thank you for your tips. I will try giving him a small muslin, he likes to suck them. (Doesn't take dummies) Is it worth trying him in his own room? He sometimes turns 90 degrees in the next to me and I think this wakes him up too, as there's not quite enough room for him to stretch out like that.

Sorry for the huge message. I hope this gives more insight. Thank you again, your replies mean so much.

Also forgot to add that he's quite gassy. When he rolls onto his front, he tends to let out a big fart. Lol.
He knows how to roll so cant be swaddled anymore, but thank you for the suggestion.

💐💐💐 I hear you. Sustained lack of sleep is absolutely brutal and you are in the trenches right now.

It will get better.

Here are my suggestions:

Co-sleep (safely).

Do separate shifts with baby. This is much better than both of you struggling and being unable to sleep. Even 3 or 4 hours of undisturbed sleep will make a world of difference to each of you.

Stop giving the meds/soothers. They're not helping anyway and they may be exacerbating discomfort.

Try giving up milk in your diet in case it's lactose intolerance.

He's old enough now that I would consider giving him a little bit of something other than milk before bed, just to help keep his tummy full for a while longer and allow him to hopefully feel more satisfied. Might help him sleep better.

Most of all remember that you're not alone. This will pass and you will feel better.

Good luck, it's hard but it isn't forever & it will get better. x

My son was exactly the same. He'd fall asleep on me, after or during a feed (I breastfed) but as soon as I put him in his cot, he was wide awake and would cry. I tried everything. Around 6 months, he grabbed hold of my dressing gown sleeve as I was (yet again) trying to put him into his cot. I had a lightbulb moment - I wore the dressing gown in the morning for the first feed but also at night, he liked the texture of the material. I found a small blanket made of similar material, and put it in his hands, he snuggled the blanket and went to sleep!! Honestly, I couldn't believe it!!! That was the turning point, realising what comforted him. I agree with others, your husband takes the early shift (presumably he's working), so from 8-midnight and you sleep. Then from midnight you take over. You must get some sleep. Is there a friend/family member who could help you during the day? Talk to your GP or Health Visitor too.

When we were in the lack of sleep stage, where possible we would do a full night each and the other would go sleep in the spare room. This wasn’t every night as my husband worked shifts but we could do this a few times a week and it’s so nice to just go to bed and get that full nights sleep. I don’t think tag teaming works as then you are both exhausted.

Edit- just read he won’t take bottle so can see why you can’t do this.

Cross posted!

If he's not crying when he wakes up then leave him to kick/move around. Put your hand on him to let him know you're there and just rest/sleep. Even if he's grizzling you don't actually need to do anything if he's not in distress. He may learn to self soothe and go back to sleep.

I wouldn't persist with trying bottles if he doesn't like them. Instead I would think about some kind of weaning porridge/similar or just some mashed veg/whatever you think is best, before bed that might keep him satisfied for an hour or two extra so that you can sleep without having to feed him, and also find some sort of comforter that he might take to.

💐

Also remember that babies don't always stick to what they used to like/not like. It may be worth trying to co-sleep (again, safely) so that you can feed him more easily and he can fall asleep without having to be moved afterwards.

Could definitely be teething. We had this.
Continue with pain relief I think. I would.

And try him in his own room. I felt at times it was us waking him rather than the other way round. And I couldn't drop into a deep sleep as he moved/kicked/grunted a lot while still sleeping

I would still suggest osteopath/chiropractor

Good luck xxxxx

Yes...teething can go on for quite a while.

Fingers crossed he'll settle into a new routine soon.

You poor thing, I remember those days and it makes you hate everything. I was so angry with everyone and everything - you are not alone.

What saved us in the end was splitting the night. I expressed a bottle in the day (or we used formula), breastfed him at 7/8 and then went to bed - DH stayed up with the baby (either up with him or him sleeping on the pram downstairs) until 12ish, fed him and then brought him up for the night. I did any wakings from then on - sometimes that was straight away, sometimes he slept for another hour or two in the cot.

It's not perfect, but both of us getting 4/5ish hours of block sleep really made a difference after a few nights. And this won't last forever, so don't worry that he doesn't have a proper routine as such.

It will pass - it honestly, honestly will. It's going to get better I promise - and quite quickly really in the big scheme of things, though I know it doesn't feel like that now. They say the days are long but the years are short!

My top takeaway from what you've said is that if your baby isn't crying, he doesn't need any attention at night. Ignore him, stay nearby and keep the lights off, no voices and eyes closed. He needs to learn that night time = sleeping. Also, if he wakes between sleep cycles (about every 90 minutes) and shuffles around and then gets picked up it's probably waking him up, whereas a little grizzle, shuffle, thump every 90 mins is really normal and should just be ignored. If you wear a sleep watch you'll see that you do similar things! Obviously if he was distressed it would be different.

Infacol, ear defenders, and white noise blasted. Try a different dummy brand. You can use sleepbag sacks when they roll. Use a sleep suit and make sure the hands and feet are covered (warm). Tilt the cot.

Stop with the picking up. They might cry continuously but they will eventually pass out. He needs to sleep too. If he’s being woken every time you put him down then that’s not working. It’s a lesser evil.

I disagree this is ‘just how babies are’!!!!
go and see your GP or health visitor. Possible baby is in pain or a bit unwell tummy ache etc. I think in hindsight my baby had wind most of the time and it was hell! Get any help you can to get one or two nights of actual sleep for yourself - you cannot pour from an empty cup. It’s unrelenting- I am rubbish with no sleep and I hated the baby part. It gets much much better. Do whatever you need to to survive this part. Can you afford a doula overnight??? If I had another I would definitely do this second time round to save myself. Xxxxx

I really feel for you - and I’m so glad you have a kind DP who is there to support you through this. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing and really messes with your mind. I think you just have to battle through. Changing your diet might be an idea as has been said, swap out the dairy and see if that helps.

oh OP, this was all a very long time ago for me now but I remember being exactly where you are. All I want to say is you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re a great mum and some babies are just freaking hard! For one of mine having his own room was the answer, for another it was just time. There’s lots of good advice here but I just wanted to tell you that it passes! It feels endless I know but it does pass and your baby will be a happy and healthy toddler and kid! Two of mine just hated being babies. They were perpetually miserable and terrible sleepers but they were easy and adorable toddlers. Get as much support as you can and hang in there!

I lost count of how many times I wanted to get rid of my baby.
I used to look up how to put her into care on a regular basis.

Its only thanks to MN that I realised I’m not an evil person and horrible mother.
I was just sleep deprived and had PND.

I was a single parent so didn’t have much choice but in your situation I would prioritise taking in turns to sleep.
As soon as your DH got home, I would hand the baby over to him and then go to bed.
Then when he goes to bed, you can do the night time wakes.

Just so you’re both getting a decent sleep.
Everything is so much more difficult when you’re tired.

Im in my 50's and tongue tied and i had already thought that before you mentioned it in your post, my mum said i was a nightmare with feeding which now we can see was 2 fold one was tongue tie and the other dairy intollerence, tongue also means you cant whistle or roll your 'r' s and i couldnt speak properly its not just a little problem, can you see someone privately and see if you can get it down,

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst. I would spend money on getting a night time nanny to allow you to actually sleep properly and have a break.

The cost will be worth it if it allows you to return to a place of feeling like yourself and loving your baby again.