I cant do this anymore, I dont want my baby

[Sobbingat3am]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm in such a dark place at the moment. My husband has taken the baby to try and settle him for what seems like the 100th time tonight. We've been up since 1am. We haven't slept properly since the baby was born 5 months ago. Hes never been one to sleep continuously well. We had the 4 month sleep regression. It was hell and nearly broke me. A couple of weeks of better sleep and now here we are again. Waking every few minutes. Worse than the regression. We pick him up, he falls asleep. We put him down he's awake again, scratching the sides of the next me and banging his legs. He's been breastfed, he's not wet, we've given him calpol, Ibuprofen and teething powder.
Im broken. I hate my life. I don't want my baby. It wasnt like this before. I'm so sleep deprived I cant cope anymore. 😔

I do feel really sorry for you. My first was exactly like this and it turned out to be undiagnosed Tongue Tie.

Does your LO have any of these symptoms?

For now i would call your HV and say what you’ve said here.

Ring Cry-sis for sone support.

Have a look at this on informed choice on bed sharing.

And talk to your DH about tag teaming at night. My DH woukd have then until about midnight and then I’d do around 12 till 6. He needs less sleep than me and would get up around 6 and take them for an hour so I ciukd have another hour.

My baby was like this, I would breastfeed for 20minutes then try and transfer as he was asleep and he would wake and then need another 20min feed.
When he was 7 months I fed him lying down in our bed and from then on he co slept and looking back I can’t believe I waited so long. My mental health was a wreck as I would spend ages getting him down and if I did manage it he would sleep for between 8 and 20 minutes but most times just woke straight away.

I will add once before this I tried just lying him next to me in bed and it didn’t work, he did need to breastfeed to settle but we got way more sleep this way.

Look up Cosleepy and HappyCosleeper on instagram.

Sending lots of love, it’s crazy tough

The baby stage is tough. It’s been a while but I remember how tough it was!

You're already doing the right things and getting great advice already and I can only chime in and say: make sure you add pockets of time that are just for you with no baby around at all. Even if it’s only a few minutes where you lay still on the carpet and relax each muscle of your body.

Cut corners in life now, make everything as easy as you can and prioritise bonding with your baby’s and rest for you.

Is there a baby massage class near you? That kind of thing can help regulate your baby and you as well.

Also, I’d speak to my GP if I were you. It sounds like you could have postnatal depression.

You can do this! Keep reaching out

It's hell but you'll get through it. You and your husband need to take it in turns to be awake and if at all possible enlist a relative to have the baby in another room - or another home - for a few hours/ overnight. If you manage just one good nights sleep you would feel so much better.

I didnt deliberately decide to cosleep but would fall asleep feeding baby now and then.

If near 6 months consider starting to wean with a food that contains iron, like bread or baby cereal.

Sending solidarity DS1 was like this we ended up sleep training because frankly I was dangerous!

We followed the Lucy Wolfe method of stay and support within a few days he was linking sleep cycles to 3 hours.
Your DH needs to start it and would do it at the weekend in the beginning when you have nothing planned.

In the meantime tag team it - feed baby go to bed at 8 for a few hours. Then you do the say 11-5am DH do 5am til they leave for work. It will make you feel more human.
Also think of night time as getting naps in - if you can get 2 naps in of 2 hours then it's good.

Sleep deprivation is serious and I don't think unless you've been there you really understand it. I used to want to strangle people who would say oh yes I'm tired too....nope that's not sleep deprivation!

Edit to say make sure you get out for a walk during the day. You will definitely not feel like doing it but it does help.

Controversial, but have you considered switching him to hungry baby formula, just for the feed before bed (and any other night feeds). If you are becoming depressed through lack of sleep, you need to consider other solutions, not run yourself into the ground breastfeeding. Our DD was a mix of breastfeed and formula, we found we got more consistent sleep with the hungry baby formula at bedtime.

The only thing that worked for us is, unfortunately, the now discontinued Dock-A-Tot/Sleepyhead beds. About 6 years ago those sort of pillow beds were very common and popular. The idea is that the baby feels the sensation of having a cushion around their head and the sleeping space is smaller and cozier. DD always slept at least 2-3 hours longer on the Sleepyhead. I also placed it onto our bed which felt like a slightly safer version of co-sleeping since I couldn't accidentally roll over it.

The problem with safe sleep regulations is that they don't take individual factors into account. I was also sleep deprived to the point where the chances of being in a car accident or having a mental breakdown were far higher than the infinitesimal risk of suffocation from a sleeping space that wasn't perfectly flat. As many here have said, co-sleeping is hugely common across many cultures, and makes perfect sense too since both mother and baby get vital rest. However it's the first thing that safe sleep experts try to bang out of your head and make it sound like you're wilfully putting your child at risk of death by doing something that has been human nature for centuries.

it may be a stupid question but have you tried bed sharing?

I was suicidal with sleep deprivation with my first (not exaggerating for effect. I was). I fell sleep eventually as I had no other option. Baby slept next to me.
I skipped the months of torture with my following babies and just kept them with me, nipple in close proximity. I never suffered again. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Keep baby on the boob round the clock if you have to. Sleep. It gets better I promise editing to add that I say that as this baby is breastfed and adding in formula is not a solution when the mum wants to breastfeed and you still have to get up to formula feed.

Can you express op?

my son was a terrible sleeper. From birth to 2.5yrs he woke hourly.
things we found helped was expressing so he had some of his night feeds from a bottle. It meant we could tag team it and my oh did the first “shift” and I did the second “shift” it meant we both could get sleep.

we also coslept so when it was my turn it was easier for us as he would only feed directly from me. Never a bottle.

my youngest is only a week old but I’m having to feed expressed milk on top of breast as we are having some issues. I do notice the difference in his sleep when he has bottle compared to breast and how settled he is overnight

Cosleeping with no pyjama top on really worked so well for us. I got up maybe once a night for a nappy change (or nudged DH to do it). As I had no choice but to get up in the morning and go to work for 8 hours, it was probably the only way we could have done it.

I'm sure it's been mentioned in other comments but bed sharing is the way to go. Make sure you look up how to do it safely.

OP, I remember feeling like I’d completely ruined my life after having my DD. I regretted it many times in those early days and was convinced things would never get better. She used to wake every single hour and I felt exactly how you’re describing. What made it harder was seeing my new mum friends floating in their ‘baby bubble,’ loving every moment, and I just… wasn’t.

Trust me when I say though, it does get better. Every tough stage they go through as babies is just that - a phase. At 3am, when you feel like giving up, remind yourself it won’t always be this way. For us, things started to improve around the one-year mark. Fast forward 7 years, and we have the most wonderful DD who has enriched our lives in ways than I could never have imagined. I sometimes feel guilty for those early thoughts, but I now know they came from sheer exhaustion!

What helped us was working out a sleep system - my husband is naturally a night owl, so I’d go to bed early (around 9pm–midnight) while he stayed up with her asleep on his chest. Then we’d swap so I got a solid block of rest. And yes, introducing some formula feeds also made a real difference.

Hang in there, you’re not alone in feeling this way!

I also suggest trying a bottle. Breast feeding is great and all that but needs must. Made the world of difference to us.

I have had five children and would be another advocate for (safe) co-sleeping. Baby can then drop off breastfeeding and a bit of rest is possible.

Those cots that attach to the bed are great also.
In many many cultures babies always co-sleep, it is very natural and can be managed safely.
Are you napping when baby does in the day ? Could someone take baby so you can have a break in the day?
My heart goes out to you. Lack of sleep really is torture.
It gets better, it really does. 💐

We put Mothers through such hell because of the fear mongering about co sleeping and the fantasy that all babies happily sleep in their own cot. Many babies just won't sleep alone. I understand there are some risks to a small number of babies but if your baby is born healthy at a decent weight and you are not drinking or smoking there are ways to co sleep very safely. My baby wouldn't sleep on her own. I didn't give up easily as I was petrified of co sleeping and thought I must be doing something wrong. But eventually the choice was between months of severe sleep deprivation or co sleeping. And severe sleep deprivation isn't particularly safe anyway -- so it's seems counterproductive to avoid one risk just to take another, more serious, one.

My first was like this. One night out of sheer frustration I dumped him back down in the bed next to me (we co slept) on his front and he slept for two hours solid. Turns out he just wanted to sleep on his front and not be put down on his back. Make your own decision as to whether you feel your baby is safe to sleep on his front or not. It was a game changer for us.

Hey OP ..
I’m sorry you are going through this ..
I know a woman who went through the same , her baby was also breastfed , she changed to bottles & it was a game changer, her baby just wasn’t getting enough being breastfed & was never content….
What do you think OP ? Xx

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way OP, sleep deprivation is awful. You're in the trenches right now but you will get past this. I would suggest cosleeping (research safe sleep seven) if you aren't already and doing everything you can to claw back the sleep you're missing out on. Have your partner take the baby out for a few hours a day so you can get some rest, for example. I found things got better when I started swaddling and using black out blinds. Also try to make everything else in your life easier, buy in some Cook ready meals, cancel all plans unless hospital visits or something important, live in your pyjamas etc
It won't always be this way, just hold on to that x

Poor you! You seriously need sleep. Get any kind of help you can. You sound at the absolute end of your tether. It is such hell.

I'd suggest you any kind of help from services or family and friends that you can.

And you partner do shifts so you can try to get at least 4 hours straight to heal your brain. 4 hours seems to be the magic number.

Honestly I'd considering giving the baby a bottle if they will take it and throw in the towel on breastfeeding if it means you get sleep. Your sanity is more important. You are mission critical.

I had a hellish sleeper and I did controlled crying because I was so tired I was falling over and was too tired to put my arms out to break my fall. I literally just tumbled down a hill like a crash test dummy. I was completely helpless, it shocked me into knowing I had to do something drastic or i was going to seriously injure myself and then were would the baby be?

In the end I realised that all of my Christian relatives with huge families just let the babies cry it out because there was too much to do and other young kids to see to. I did it and by day two she was sleeping through. I felt human again. She was fine. And after she got sick I had to do it again, and then she would sleep through. It was very hard but I would do it again over being so near harming myself and others.

Whatever the cause and whatever you decide .. you really must get some sleep by hook or by crook.

I had 2 horrendous sleepers, both had severe reflux and CMPA. We took shifts, my OH moved into the spare room and baby co slept in our room. Pair everything back, my little one reacted to teetha and nurofen. It caused awful gas pain and cramping. I didn’t realise that at the time though. We eventually tried nutramigen formula which helped a lot. Please don’t go straight to hungry baby formulas as this can be very hard on tummies. Again we tried this and it was a disaster. We were desperate and my mum took baby for a night at one stage every few days. We also looked into getting someone to help at night and paying them we were that desperate. I hope you managed to get some sleep, you will get through this. Sit down together and see what ye can come up with in terms of a plan

All of this. My fear of cosleeping nearly broke me, it’s absolutely inhumane what we expect breastfeeding mothers (and babies, actually) to put themselves through.

For my 2nd child I co slept from birth and I wasn’t tired in the slightest, once you master the lying down feed in particular you barely notice the night wakes.

My dd didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours until she slept through at 6 months. I stopped breast feeding after a couple of weeks as she kept waking every half an hour like your baby. Formula milk helped her sleep longer.

Hopefully you're still reading this OP. I have a six month old DD2. She is also an unsettled, wakeful little person. It is exhausting and every day tests me to my limit. The whining/lack of sleep. Argh.

Know it will pass. Even if you do nothing, and take no advice from anyone in this thread, it will end. My DD1 was the same as my DD2 and sleep and temperament got so much better with time.

Remember a bad night doesn't mean a bad day. Hope today is a little easier for you.

It’s truly shit. Do whatever you need to do.
Try a formula feed before bed, a dummy, or white noise. Just do the basics-wash yourself, eat and get some fresh air. Take help from anyone who offers.

Just take one day at a time. It WILL be very different in a week, a month and a year.

Only thing that saved me was co sleeping and napping whenever anyone could take her for an hour or so. Husband and I did shifts for months with him taking her until 1/2am and me sleeping and then him sleeping. Was hell on earth but it gets better. Mine still doesn’t sleep (8 now) but I can talk to her and leave her in her with a book!