I cant do this anymore, I dont want my baby

[Sobbingat3am]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm in such a dark place at the moment. My husband has taken the baby to try and settle him for what seems like the 100th time tonight. We've been up since 1am. We haven't slept properly since the baby was born 5 months ago. Hes never been one to sleep continuously well. We had the 4 month sleep regression. It was hell and nearly broke me. A couple of weeks of better sleep and now here we are again. Waking every few minutes. Worse than the regression. We pick him up, he falls asleep. We put him down he's awake again, scratching the sides of the next me and banging his legs. He's been breastfed, he's not wet, we've given him calpol, Ibuprofen and teething powder.
Im broken. I hate my life. I don't want my baby. It wasnt like this before. I'm so sleep deprived I cant cope anymore. 😔

Can baby roll successfully yet? When my baby could safely sleep on her stomach, her sleep improved. She would wake trying to roll over though so I started placing her into crib on stomach and had less night wakes but only do this if you feel it’s safe.

And as others say, formula really does seem to make a difference in terms of filling them up and settling them for the night.

Sleep train him.

i know it’s not for everyone and some people on here will go nuts for it even being suggested, but i don’t think it’s worth ruining your relationship with your child over.

make sure he is fed, warm, dry and well, then just put him down in his cot and close the door. You’ll be sleeping through the night within days

Honestly if he only sleeps on you then I’d just let him do that. At 5 months old he has head control so he can move if necessary. Once he was properly asleep I always then moved DS to my side and we slept side to side so he still felt like he was on me. Far less shocking than being moved into a cold next-to-me.

I know it feels terrible and like he’s ’always been a bad sleeper’ but ‘always’ is 5 months. That’s a tiny amount of time. I really really understand that it feels like ages. But some babies just take longer to learn how to fall asleep, and need more help with it. Think of it like a learning need! He’s not a natural sleeper.

Also good news is you won’t have your baby forever - you might LOVE the toddler/preschool/kid/tween/teen phases! That’s the benefit of babies - they don’t last long!

You say don’t ruin your relationship with your child and then say leave them in a room on their own to cry!!

Co sleeping/bed sharing could make all the difference.

Here is what I did...
Husband slept in spare room. Baby went on husband's side of bed, no pillow. Duvet only on my side. Bed guard on baby's side once it could roll. Then I'd breastfeed lying down and baby would fall asleep. No need to move baby, just roll over and feed during night wakings.

I am doing it again with second baby from day 1 as lack of sleep is just not worth the fight to get him in a cot. If you have no spare bed for husband it will still work. Just look up Lullaby Trust. Good luck give it a go.

Just to add... I know everyone says it won't last forever but it's true. My baby was like yours which is why we co slept. Between 1 and 2 we transitioned him into his cot at his own pace, now he loves his own bed aged 3.

Once they're over 6 months you can sleep train. I waited 7 just so comfortably over the threshold and just gave up and let them sleep on me before that as I wasn't coping. If you can hang on that's just a few more weeks and then you can get your life and sanity back. We did the disappearing chair method, let me know if you'd like some info

Same and tag team it. Divide the night. DH initially took the start and end I did anything between 1-5 then it was 12-6 as sleep got better because a 4 hour block is good in a short term basis

Gina Ford sleep routine (Amazon) I didn’t ever leave mine to cry to sleep, but followed the routine religiously through the day. Both ours were brilliant sleepers and still are now x

Same boat op, now with second baby because obviously one child wasn’t enough 😬
Try napping in the day when baby has his longer stretch. Give baby to someone while you nap. Forget about any other job you have. Your only job now is to get naps in wherever you can.

I feel for you OP! Sleep deprivation is the worst. My DD was a reasonable sleeper for the first few months which lulled me into a false sense of security and then refused her next to me sleeper. I know its cliche but it did help to remind myself everything is just a stage. It will not be forever.

I ended up co-sleeping and it was a million times better for us. I think she just wanted the comfort of knowing I was right there. Also when she did want a bit of boob neither of us had to wake up properly, so we could go straight back to sleep. It's not for everyone but it worked for us. She very happily moved to her bed in her room when she was ready. I hope you find your solution and am sending you lots of empathy.

Have you tried co-sleeping?

OP I feel for you. My DD was like this. It was brutal. In the end I started co sleeping which made it better - though she still woke a lot, but less. My midwife described it as the first six months plus the baby is entirely dependent on you so it is a survival instinct for them to wake when you've left them. I know co-sleeping isn't optimal but as long as you follow the safe sleep 7 then the risk of cot death is no higher than the babu having their own separate sleep space. https://llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/?fbclid=IwY2xjawKSGwdleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHieWzImPKEJfERPRHMae2Kupn1_hjcOPlOqvcbwvBvQm3r83dxPQZzOEI-SE_aem_Q9yqK-jxWHhTC2zwcW_R5g&sfnsn=scwspwa

Yeah. You are in the worst sucky phase of having a baby and drew the short straw.

I was there. Twice.

first had extreme reflux. Screamed all night for the first year so much so the sleep deprecation meant we started hallucinating. Don’t sleep through until they were 2

second child fed on the hour every hour for the first year. Wouldn’t take a bottle. Woke up crying regularly and didn’t keep through until they were 7.

I can absolutely remember how you are feeling. I can remember the sheer despair of not having sleep and thinking this will go on forever. The constant ‘what have we done to ourselves’?

so in the end we took The path of least resistance. I co-slept safely for a time. I then put cot in the room and slept with my hand on them the whole night and patted when they woke up. Honestly the times my husband took first baby out at 3am to walk the streets I can’t tell you. We had to drive them sometimes to get them to sleep. I went back to work at 6 months with nothing of them and was running on empty for about 2 years.

I can write the book on sleep deprivation. So I honestly feel so much for you as people who have babies who sleep quite well honestly don’t understand how torturous it is.

my mum did come around sometimes to giver us a break and would sleep at the bottom of our bed sometimes or sleep in the spare room and so could either bottle feed or bring baby to me but would try to avoid to let us sleep.

I wish we had forked out for a night nanny to help just let us sleep, even just for a bit and help sleep train. I honestly don’t think it would have helped us that much as we were doing all the right things but it would have just helped for a short while.

I look back and it is like I’m talking about another person as my children are almost grown. But I can remember how difficult it was. You will get through it I promise. On the plus side for me they turned out the best the easiest and most agreeable teenagers in the world so swings and roundabouts.

Doesn’t work for all babies. Mine had severe reflux. When we tried to sleep train turned out she has acid burning her throat and was screaming in pain. Never did that again.

second child was just excessively thirsty and still is. No underlying cause- just drinks a lot. No amount of sleep training was going to stop them wanting milk constantly.

not All babies are the same. Some can self settle and train wonderfully- others can a bit but sometimes you just have to roll with it and they eventually grow older and it gets better. Getting some outside advice is the best way to try and get a routine that works for your own individual baby rather than just blanket advice to leave them to cry and that’ll teach ‘um

My first was a terrible sleeper and we were absolutely desperate. We survived by doing shifts, so I slept 8-12 while my husband sat with him while he slept and managed any wakes, and then I took over from 12. We were lucky enough to have a spare bed in the baby’s room so whoever wasn’t on baby duty could sleep away from the disturbance. Aged 5 weeks I gave up dairy because he had a lot of reflux and I read that it could help - within 3 days it was like night and day! He still woke to feed often, but was not grunting and uncomfortable all day and night and so we cured a lot of the inconsolable crying. This was also a game changer for us.

With my second and third, I bedshared almost straight away, following all the safety advice, because all my babies were needy and were exclusively breastfed. I have to say I felt a lot better rested and more sane for those ones - might also have been because I was more experienced by then! My second went into his own bed at 10 months and was fine. My third is still bed sharing to drop off now (nearly 3) but then I leave him and go to my own bed.

My heart goes out to you because it is total torture, and even when they’re sleeping you constantly feel on edge because you’re anticipating the next wake up. Please do get help and make some changes to get through x

ETA: it seems like this is more common in boys, and I have 3!

Breastfeeding is obviously best but sometimes there's nothing wrong with a bottle of formula. We combination fed our DD1 as she was born very large (as a result of undiagnosed gestational diabetes), and ir made it so much easier.
Their tummies are very little and they empty very quickly.

Sending hugs and love, you will get better and survive ❤️

It's a horrendous time for many, it was for me. It felt never ending but it did end, my son is now two and those days seem ancient history, its crazy how much we've lived in two years since having a child emotionally and mentally!

Can you try safe cosleeping as you're breastfeeding so you're not getting out of bed to settle? I did that when jy son was older and it helped me get a survivable amount of sleep.

I also formula fed as my kiddo had a severe tongue tie and couldn't latch even when snipepd, but it was a blessing in disguise as he was a bad sleeper and my husband and I took turns, first splitting the nights so we both got 4 irb5 hours stretch and then when he was a bit more settled we do night on night off, the difference was immense. We could actually function and retain memories again, our brains were shot in those early days.

Sending you so much solidarity, it's bloody dreadful at times coupled with it not living up to the golden idea we have of having a baby. You've got some gorgeous times to come when movement and speech begins to come, its magic. But for some of us it's hard won.

Another one for Co sleeping! I didn’t want to but when I literally had no sleep it was the only viable option for my solely breast fed baby that refused all bottles of breast milk, dummies etc.
I used to cosleep with her at the edge of bed near her next to me so she could roll in there. Obviously you cannot have any sort of sedative that evening - not even drop of alcohol or over the counter sleeping tabs. Your body does totally get used to sleeping lightly next to baby. And light sleep is better than no sleep! And as baby gets more settled longer sleeps happen and babies grow so quickly so thankfully this does all pass but it is hell.

I feel for you 🫶🏼 I have two young ones 18months and 7 months and neither of them are sleeping. It is hell at the moment but I have older children and I know it will pass.
you will get to the point baby is sleeping and it will all be a distant memory. You’ve got this, sending you lots of strength x

Safe co sleeping - ie no one else on mattress,
mattress on floor, no blanket near babies face etc - was an absolute lifesaver for me. Neither of mine slept a wink until I did it. Babies are programmed to not be abandoned.

All baby mammals cry when they are not near their mother or other litter mates. The Japanese co sleep and have some of the lowest SIDs rates in the world.

I felt like I was cracking up with my kid because of the sleep deprivation - it does get better but I know that is little comfort. Is the baby distressed or just awake? I didn’t have a huge amount dairy when breastfeeding but my baby had colic, baby eczema and was up every two hours cluster feeding. Her reflux and rashes got worse when I started to introduce formula - she is now 4 and seeing a dietitian for issues with dairy and gluten. My mum had to eat a crazy plain diet with my brother because he reacted to certain things.

Could you pump and sleep in a separate room with earplugs - give yourself 4/5 hours sleep and let your husband do the night waking?

I would speak to the gp or nurse about these feelings as they will be able to help you. Maybe get the baby checked too if you think it’s waking because it’s unwell.

Cosleeping saved me. I was EBF and I went back to work full-time when DS was 3 months old. He wasn't a terrible sleeper then (that came later), but just having him with me allowed us to get a good amount of sleep. ( Later on when he had moved to his own room I had a mattress on his floor where I slept some nights).

Sounds similar to my DC. I was broken by 4 months, he never slept for more than 45 mins day or night. I kept waiting thinking it would get better as DC got older, it didn't. This is why he's an only child.

Things that helped (slowly, there are no quick fixes): (lots of this is money dependent I know I am lucky)

• Sleep training at 6 months - I was terrified/gutted to do this, never thought I would as read all the terrible downsides etc, but it quite literally saved our lives. We saw a sleep consultant on zoom, but they all just give a variation on the same controlled crying advice.

• Partner went part time, reduced to 80% of full time so I had one day a week "off." Didn't solve the lack of sleep but moral support was huge.

• Nursery 2 mornings a week, even though I wasn't going back to work for another 6 months. Again didn't solve night time sleep but time alone was a godsend to me.

• I went on sertraline (anti anxiety/anti depressant) - I wasn't sure if I was depressed or anxious or just dying of sleep deprivation but after a lot of tears and soul searching I was willing to try for the sake of my DC. I think it helped a little; it felt like it filled up my tank of ability to cope a bit more.

• Told friends and family how it was really and got more support- they love other side of country and have health issues but my mum stepped up and came every other week for 2 nights. Again doesn't solve the sleep- breastfed babe wouldn't take a bottle, but moral support was everything.

I really hope that helps. Xxxx