I cant do this anymore, I dont want my baby

[Sobbingat3am]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm in such a dark place at the moment. My husband has taken the baby to try and settle him for what seems like the 100th time tonight. We've been up since 1am. We haven't slept properly since the baby was born 5 months ago. Hes never been one to sleep continuously well. We had the 4 month sleep regression. It was hell and nearly broke me. A couple of weeks of better sleep and now here we are again. Waking every few minutes. Worse than the regression. We pick him up, he falls asleep. We put him down he's awake again, scratching the sides of the next me and banging his legs. He's been breastfed, he's not wet, we've given him calpol, Ibuprofen and teething powder.
Im broken. I hate my life. I don't want my baby. It wasnt like this before. I'm so sleep deprived I cant cope anymore. 😔

Co sleeping completely saved my sanity. Just follow the lullaby trust guidelines - no blankets near baby, no alcohol for mum etc

My baby could be hardwork with sleep for a long time. I wish I had co slept. As she got older she did this anyway. Try it obviously in a safe way. Also contact your health visitor or try a night nanny for relief if you can afford it. They may be able to advise/help. Definitely try and take it in turns to sleep. It will get better op.

This happened to me too by 4 months I was going mental and all it was was sleep deprivation and worry about how I was doing everything wrong. My husband refused to let me co-sleep as NCT course had scared him so much he thought I’d roll on the baby. As the mum, as long as ur not intoxicated obvs, you just don’t, it’s not even an issue. Take the double bed for yourself and co-sleep. I did it anyway and it saved my life. The west doesn’t know how to bring up babies anymore! They need your comfort at night, it’s how humans were designed to be, all sleeping in the same room in a mud hut, safely, together.

@Sobbingat3am are you breastfeeding to sleep and then transferring him?

Hi lovely. Sending you lots of strength and sympathy. I have a ten month old and the sleep deprivation is absolutely bloody brutal at times.

Just double checking - is your little one actually upset/crying? Because mine used to scratch the sides of his cot and thump his legs at exactly the same age, and I eventually worked out he was self soothing! He’d do it for a while and send himself to sleep with it! Not all the time, and if he ever cried I immediately stepped in. But quite a lot of the time he was actually happy scritchy-scratching and doing his WWF. And I would doze while he did it to get as much extra sleep as I could!

Annoyingly in some ways, my DS is an independent little bean and absolutely would NOT co sleep, so the only other thing that has saved me a few times is splitting the nights and doing shifts with my OH so we can each get a bit of a stretch.

xxx

Edited for spelling

I really feel for you, all of mine were shit sleepers and it can push you to the edge . Get yourself to the gp and rule out any medical issues for baby, speak to HV for additional support for you then decide whether you want to co sleep (look up safe Cosleeping ) or move baby into his own room and see if that helps . You have to make a choice between waiting it out or sleep training , I was always to soft to sleep train so mine all Co slept. Either way you can’t continue like this. Sending much love and solidarity , this will pass x

Another vote for co-sleeping here. I get so much more sleep when I co-sleep.

It’s so hard and it feels like it’s never going to end but it will.

Remember, babies aren’t designed to sleep on their own and be left alone all night. As hard as it is, they are biologically driven to wake up regularly and want to be close to mum. As soon as I understood that and leant into it I got tons more sleep.

Yep mine was a shit sleeper. It is truly awful. It doesn’t last forever though, hang on in there take it a night at a time. Sending love and solidarity xx

is there anyone you can ask to stay and watch the baby for a night so you can get some sleep?

This happened to me too. I was known in the neighborhood as "the mother with the crying baby". We tried everything. We were at our wits end. I would lie in my bed listening to him cry and hating him. The only thing that worked was bed-sharing. Even then he'd wake multiple times a night, but would quickly go to sleep once he'd breastfed a little.

However, this was thirty years ago. Recently I have begun to suspect that he probably suffered from bad acid reflux, which is why he cried so much and hated to lie flat. Have you looked into that?

Please make an appointment with your GP OP. I think most people would be at breaking point with this level of sleep deprivation, but it sounds like you are struggling and could do with some help. It also might be worth having your little one looked over incase there is an underlying reason for their lack of sleep (silent reflux etc.)

On a practical level, could you and your partner do split nights, so you can both get some rest? I.E. you go to bed really early while he is on baby duty until the early hours, and then switch? It's not ideal but it might allow you both a block of sleep that keeps you going. Do you have any family or friends who would have the baby for a couple of hours in the day while you nap?

This sounds incredibly tough. Wishing you all the best.

My baby was like this, from the four month regression it seemed like a continuous and worsening regression until she turned 1, it was hard, she would only sleep if she was being held, what worked eventually was co sleep but I didn’t feel comfortable with that due to me being a deep sleeper (I do hear her when she wakes), what I had to do in the end was bring her pram indoors, have her fall asleep in my arms and then attach the rockit to the pram and it worked, I only did this for a few months and then started with the cot again, she got there eventually

I’m sorry you are going through this OP it sounds so hard.

I haven’t read through the full thread but I’m sure it must have been mentioned…are there any symptoms of silent reflux?

My baby suddenly went from being pretty good to being really unhappy and impossible to get off to sleep at around 6 weeks. It took us quite a while to realise it was silent reflux. As soon as we got her on reflux formula she improved massively.

She would cry when put down, arch her back, eat her fists (we thought it was hunger and fed her loads but it was pain).

My second was like this, literally woke every hour or if I was really lucky every two for the first year of his life. Sorry to say like most others on here but co sleeping saved my sanity. We followed all the advice and were very safe about it. I breastfed lying down on my side and I barely woke up when he fed, not having to sit up to deal with the wake ups is such a joy. Even though he was by FAR a much worse sleeper than my first who was a more normal every 3-4 hours sleeper (and I never co slept with her) I was so so much more rested with my second. When he was more mobile at about 8/9 months we moved to a floor bed and it was the best thing I ever done.

Bottles of formula to fill him up and controlled crying. I’m sorry, it’s so hard x

Please take care of your self. It's 22 years ago but I remember it well. It won't be forever, don't think too far ahead.

Would you consider a sleep coach?

We had twins who were as you describe, rarely slept at the same time. I’d like to say it got better…. They now have babies them selves who can’t settle. One paid for a sleep trainer to stay overnight. It worked after three nights, the baby was 10 months old by then. It seemed a heartless regime of letting the baby cry, having checked there was nothing wrong. You have my sympathy. If it’s any consolation at all, we survived.

Oh OP I know it’s so hard. It’s such a shock to the system having no sleep, nothing can really prepare you for it. The only way that DH and I managed with DC1 was to tag team the night. We would split the night in 2 and one of us would look after baby DC1 downstairs in the bassinet and the other would sleep upstairs. We’d then swap midway through the night. It still didn’t feel like enough sleep but it was at least some sleep.

Have you tried hot water bottle in baby bed while baby not in there to keep it warm, take it out before baby goes back in so baby not going into a cold bed.

Hang in there my love. Currently sitting here in bed with my three year old who is the greatest sleeper now but let me
tell you he absolutely was not - it was hell. Didn’t sleep at night or day. Woke at 4am for a year. Honestly just so tough! And regardless of some of the ignorant comments here “it’s not just how babies are” - it is not. Some are worse than others when small. I was one of many of my friends who had a baby the same time and none of them suffered with sleep the same way we did. However he continues to be a glorious toddler and has generally given us no real grief apart from the first year of sleep so I count my blessings! (Easier to do when out the other side though).

Have you ruled out reflux and allergies?

It turned out our son had dairy allergies. So we had to completely cut out dairy. It worked wonders. We eventually went to a specialist and he was on the milk ladder until about 2.5 but he’s grown out of it. Unfortunately it’s trial and error at this age. If you’re breast feeding then you can do it via your diet and if not there are some really good formulas. We used a reduced lactose one from HIPP.

We tried everything - brought him to an osteopath which helped a little but not long term however I know loads who’ve had great success. Used baby gaviscon.

How’s his weight etc? Has he shown any signs of being hungry and maybe needing a bit more?

i also really recommend the book the baby sleep solution by Lucy Wolfe. Now we struggled to get a night time routine going for ages due to sleep issues but gradually worked towards it and implemented the day time routine (which we also gradually built in) and it helped in the long run. But you need to address if there’s any underlying causes first.

For yourself I’m not sure what help you have but when things got really bad my mother in law used to have me stay a night a week and she would do the night routine for me and my husband would stay at home with the dog. We both got sleep and it just helped take the edge off to crack on the other nights. Was a bit easier for us due to him being on formula but if you did have someone who might be able to help perhaps you could express some into bottles.

That’s the other thing, for the night time could you express into bottles and just tag team it south your husband so you both get chunks of sleep to help you?

sorry throwing a lot of ideas out there x

1. Split the night so you both get a good chunk of sleep
2. Osteopath specialising in babies
3. GP to rule out medical reasons..reflux etc

4.Bottle in the evening. Formula

Big hugs Xx

Mothers battle on with breast feeding for months and suffer. I had to go back to work after month and it was formula all the way for me. Healthy child who slept and happy mother.

I absolutely know how you feel. Our oldest didn't sleep for more than 45 mins at a time for the first 7 months of his life. i was broken and LITERALLY (not the way people normally mean it) thought I was going to die. We paid for a sleep consultant in the end, on the 2nd night after starting her programme he slept fir 12 hours and basically has ever since (he's 5 now). if you can afford it would strongly recommend!

A suggestion that might help you, especially if you are willing to try slight combi-feeding. For our second, DH and I alternated with our nights with a split, so we each got a decent chunk each. One took the late evening to say 2am shift, and the other took the rest of the night. I sometimes expressed milk for DH or he gave formula. Early shift stayed downstairs to allow the person going to bed early to actually get some sleep.

Well done for reaching out on here OP.
Sleep deprivation is so hard and really affects
mental health.
I remember that a game changer for me was realising that it takes a while for babies (like all humans) to go into a deep sleep after falling asleep. So if you keep holding the baby for a bit before you transfer him/her to the crib then that deep sleep starts so the transfer is less likely to wake them.
Sending strength x