Breastfeeding toddler choosing boob over food - husband and I not seeing eye to eye.

[Tinyearlgrey]

My 20 month DS has stopped napping at his childminder so when he gets home he is absolutely exhausted, screaming, having a melt down and all he wants is the boob. When it’s me and him at home, I’ll breastfeed him and sometimes take him straight to bed or he’ll boob then have dinner. My DH working pattern has changed so now he can bring DS home, DS is in the same state but now DH insists I don’t breastfeed him because he should be eating dinner. DH has been asking me to go upstairs and hide from DS so he doesn’t see me and gets upset meaning he eats his dinner (this has worked once after he cried for about 45 mins then relented and ate his dinner). We co-sleep and DS has never slept through the night, but I barely wake when he night feeds anymore as he has free access to the boob. DH thinks that breast milk won’t keep him full enough for overnight so he must eat food, hence his insistence on DS eating his dinner.

This evening was awful, DS was screaming and screaming for me and “milkies”, DH said I wasn’t to breastfeed him and just wait for him to calm down and eat his dinner. He cried and cried and cried and I ended up going upstairs crying too because everything in my body was telling me to feed my baby and comfort him, but I felt like I couldn’t because my husband told me not too. DH isn’t violent or abusive, he’s academically very clever and I feel like he holds this over me….

How do I even approach this? Am I damaging my little one by prioritising breastfeeding him rather than having dinner at night?

I would not let any man stop me from feeding my child when they were distressed.

I breastfed toddlers but by 20 months it was a morning and bedtime thing so they just didn't expect it as soon as we got home. Maybe it would help if he ate dinner with his dad for a couple of days before you get home to get things in that order.

No way in hell would I let my husband dictate this to me. Solidarity as my just turned 2 year old no longer naps so is exhausted by bedtime and often doesn’t eat dinner on nursery days. Milkies is her comfort and her safe space and if she’s hungry she’ll eat. Don’t let your husband ruin your breastfeeding journey for you!

You and your husband need to sit down and have a calm rational conversation about this topic when it’s not live with a tired and hungry toddler in the mix.

You may not wake, but husband might. You may be happy cosleeping. Husband may want an end in sight for it.

Neither of you are right or wrong, but you need a joined up plan and that plan might not be anyone’s first choice. It needs to work for everyone, it’s not possible for everyone to love every plan.

(and it’s unlikely to be possible to get through toddler life without them being upset at times).

I'd leave a man who tried to stop me feeding my distressed toddler.

Don't let your idiotic husband turn food into a battle ground. Your child needs safety and comfort.

Ah. I think you're both right.

At 20 months he probably should have dinner and boob at bedtime. But the way your dh is doing it isnt right. Its too severe.

You need to find a way to move towards dinner over boob gradually. At almost 2 your ds might be able to understand that boob comes after dinner. But maybe dinner needs to be earlier? Or maybe the childminder can do an early dinner and you just have some snacks at home before boob in bed?

You and dh need to really think about this and discuss strategy. He can't make a unilateral decision that leaves everyone tearful and distressed. He may be clever. But thats not a clever approach!

The action of breastfeeding is comforting your son. He's wanting the breast for comfort, not because he wants or needs the milk. He's tired, grumpy and is looking for instant comfort - your breast gives him that. Equally, he does need to eat, falling asleep after only having milk, isn't enough. Have you tried a comfort blanket? Not saying it will work. He's got himself into a habit, and may be it's time to find another way to help soothe him.

I think it’s up to you

However - it does sound like the BF is causing various issues, starting with the fact he won’t nap at childminder - suspect because he feeds to sleep all the other times. Perhaps DH isn’t keen on co sleeping any more? And at 20 mo they do need some nutrients from food not just milk.

So, have a think about whether reducing BF might be a good idea - for DS as well as other family members - and if you think maybe it would be, think about how YOU would like to achieve this.

At the moment you are understandably digging your heels in because you don’t like Dh’s methods, but maybe there is a middle ground about the overall aim?

There are two different things here.

Should a 20 month old ideally be eating three meals, and having breast milk as a supplementary thing (rather than in place of a meal)? Yeah, probably, unless medical experts have advised otherwise.

Should your husband be stopping you from breastfeeding your child under any circumstances? Or stopping you from comforting them? Or holding your child’s feeding preference “over” you?

No fucking way. Id say it’s abusive really.

It sounds like you have a four month old baby. He's nearly two.

Why is he still feeding constantly through the night and why have you allowed this.

night feeds are for young babies. He should have been in his own bed.

It's causing him distress to be away from your tits for too long. He should never have become that dependent on it at this age. it sounds seriously distressing for him.

A nearly two year old needs to be eating food. You're gonna have to wean him off somehow.

Your dh is trying to do what he thinks is right for dc, at least he is taking an interest and making an effort so gets some marks for that.

Your dc can understand you now - “it’s time for dinner. So we’ll have a quick cuddle -and milk then eat out food together ok?”

Milk and mum is comfort, safety, relaxation, home. Keep the feed short and stop it replacing it with a nursery song and some fun eg tickling toes or playing with a soft toy. It’s the comfort that your dc is looking for I think, and the convenience of not bothering to sit in a high chair and chew a meal.

”At least he is taking an interest and making an effort”

no no no. That’s not at all how it works.

Your dh is misunderstanding what your ds wants. He's not looking to nurse because he's hungry (although it's part of it) this is likely also about reconnection after nursery to help him regulate when he's tired and has been seperated from his primary care givers all day and has just got back to you both. My ds bf until 2 and he would always have nursed before and after nursery, the after nursery nurse was actually the one that took the longest to drop because he was coming back tired and needing that time with me to settle himself. So I absolutely would advocate for that. At 18 months mine also dropped his nap. So did a couple in his nursery the same age who weren't breastfeeding so I wouldn't jump to correlate that. In my ds case it was very much fomo because he wanted to see what the others were at.

I think what I would do, is still nurse but try to maybe do it on the go while you're moving around if you can or talking to him and being silly and shorten it so he's not falling asleep on you. And have something quick ready for dinner so as soon as you stop it's there for him. If he's coming home that over tired I'd be looking at whether it's possible to get him and therefore have dinner earlier. Or consider what he's eating at the child minder- ds used to get double portions of dinner at nursery every day so I would have had no issue doing him a quick picky plate from the fridge for dinner or if he was really absolutely busted would have even done cereal a couple of times just to get something into him before he fell asleep in the high chair.

I'm kind of on your DH's side (although I don't agree with him"forbidding" you, if that's what's happening).

At nearly 2 he should be getting most of his nutrients and calories from solid food and milk should be on top and/or for comfort.

If your husband didn't have a different opinion, how long would you continue giving him milk instead of dinner and letting him feed throughout the night? Because it's unlikely your son will stop of his own accord, so at some point you do need to make the conscious decision to start to wean him off the boob and ensure he's eating proper meals.

I just think give babies what they want!! He won’t be still drinking milk at 20 ffs, let him go at his own pace!

My nearly 18 month old wants milk when she finishes nursery. Partly for comfort, but she also just seems to still want it specifically, despite eating solids well. Then when she’s had that she has her dinner. No fights.

I couldn’t stand to be told how to parent my own child, especially with my own body, or to live with that kind of atmosphere every night. Hearing your baby cry is torture.

"Your dh is trying to do what he thinks is right for dc, at least he is taking an interest and making an effort so gets some marks for that."

No sorry he gets zero points for making a unilateral decision that a mother cannot breastfeed her distressed toddler. We can aim a little higher than that for men I think.

I think you can still bf him without stopping him transitioning into the toddler stage, which is what seems to be the main issue. Save milk for bedtime and work on falling asleep for naps in a different way, then end meals with milk, but encourage him to eat food first. There's a good happy medium here so that you all end up happy.

Generally agree that your husband shouldn’t be dictating when you BF your son.

Does he eat well at the childminders including at least one nutritionally balanced hot meal? If so I wouldn’t be too concerned about what he eats for dinner on those nights. It could be that he is too tired to eat by the time he gets home anyway. Mine goes to nursery rather than childminder and has 2 meals there + breakfast and snacks so I have never been too worried about how much dinner she eats on nursery nights.

I agree with this. I am currently BF my 10mo so completely empathise with the situation, and the wording is off so if he is actually saying you are no longer allowed to bf that’s a red flag. But equally I do feel like he is coming from a place where he wants both of your (emphasis on both of your) son to eat a proper meal which is also reasonable for a 20 month old. I think the PP who said about your husband bringing back DS, giving him dinner and then you come home after and BF him is a good compromise.

There are going to be so many situations where you may not agree & you really need to be able to communicate about them and find a resolution. Also not every decision you make for your kids will make them happy despite being the best thing for them. IE DS should be eating 3 meals a day and you should be encouraging that, not giving in because it’s difficult for you to see them upset about it. I don’t mean that horribly, I’ve been there when your emotions want to grab them but your adult logical mind knows what is best for them.

"At nearly 2 he should be getting most of his nutrients and calories from solid food and milk should be on top and/or for comfort"

But this child is eating properly otherwise, this one meal is particularly difficult due to a timing issue as opposed to anything else they are still eating their other meals plus snacks during the day presumably.

Maybe he continues to wake and breastfeed through the night because he's hungry, because milk isn't a proper meal.

He's not a baby he's nearly two.

To me it sounds like you need to work out why he’s not napping at the childminders anymore - it’s going to drop a nap and sounds like he still need it.

as others have said, breastfeeding is about so much more than hunger, he’s trying to reconnect with you and get comfort - it sounds awful, I would 100% feed him.

is he getting enough snacks/food? with the childminder?

I have had two boob monsters who fed at night and co slept for years, the eldest sleeps happily in her own bed and sleeps through now.

think you need to send your husband some info about the benefits and reasons for breastfeeding. What he’s doing is cruel.

He should still be napping. I’d make sure that’s allowed at babysitters. A good sleep routine allows for a good food routine. At that age breast milk would be better served at bedtime. Not instead of dinner. Mind you I always woke up when babies fed and was over it by 15 months and they slept through. You must be a deeper sleeper!

Many toddlers nurse much more at night as a source of comfort as opposed to hunger or lack of nutrition. That's very common. The idea that breastfeeding babies only nurse for nutritional value is a myth. In my bf group a solid majority of toddlers were still nursing during the night after having weaned onto solids successfully. I might weaned my ds just slightly earlier than ops ds is because I personally couldn't sleep while co sleeping and the lack of sleep was no longer working for me. But my ds would have happily kept that up. And he was an absolute bin when it came to solids.

Op what is your hv saying about weight gain? Are they at a good weight for their age and height?

Could he eat more during the day at child minders, maybe have his main meal there so he could just have a snack in the evening, before or after his milk feed? I think your dh sounds quite clueless tbh, if your dc is that upset he is not going to eat much anyway.