Breastfeeding toddler choosing boob over food - husband and I not seeing eye to eye.

[Tinyearlgrey]

My 20 month DS has stopped napping at his childminder so when he gets home he is absolutely exhausted, screaming, having a melt down and all he wants is the boob. When it’s me and him at home, I’ll breastfeed him and sometimes take him straight to bed or he’ll boob then have dinner. My DH working pattern has changed so now he can bring DS home, DS is in the same state but now DH insists I don’t breastfeed him because he should be eating dinner. DH has been asking me to go upstairs and hide from DS so he doesn’t see me and gets upset meaning he eats his dinner (this has worked once after he cried for about 45 mins then relented and ate his dinner). We co-sleep and DS has never slept through the night, but I barely wake when he night feeds anymore as he has free access to the boob. DH thinks that breast milk won’t keep him full enough for overnight so he must eat food, hence his insistence on DS eating his dinner.

This evening was awful, DS was screaming and screaming for me and “milkies”, DH said I wasn’t to breastfeed him and just wait for him to calm down and eat his dinner. He cried and cried and cried and I ended up going upstairs crying too because everything in my body was telling me to feed my baby and comfort him, but I felt like I couldn’t because my husband told me not too. DH isn’t violent or abusive, he’s academically very clever and I feel like he holds this over me….

How do I even approach this? Am I damaging my little one by prioritising breastfeeding him rather than having dinner at night?

Many people stir in the night. There comes a point where you stop going to somebody else to comfort you and get you back to sleep. You deal with it.

Are you suggesting at 50 years of age, you still wake up the whole house when you can't sleep?

I think it’s natural for you and your son to struggle with the transition from breastfeeding and co sleeping. However, agree with others that your son needs food not milk at 20 months, fine to have a feed with you at bedtime. My reading is your son comes home, has been missing you and wants you and equates breastfeeding with closeness to you. The food/milk is secondary.

Kids- may require comfort at night.
Adults- dont require comfort at night as a general rule.

You said 2- 5 year olds shouldn't be waking in the night. In fact, very many are, and a lot of them will require comfort. This is not a failure to meet a developmental milestone. Its human nature.

I don't personally believe that comfort should be breastfeeding.

Totally agree. There are so many ways to offer comfort and closeness which will change and adapt with the child's age (and most good parents are able to work these out).

What is toddler's day like at the childminder? Lunch and tea? Can you ask/send tea to have there if they need to go to bed super early due to no nap?

My 3yo still breastfeeds and co sleeps - she's at nursery 8-5 everyday and has been since 7 months, and when she gets home, more often than not it's cuddles and milk that she wants (even if she's had multiple servings of both lunch and tea!). And I completely get that. In an ideal world she'd be with me all day and wouldn't need that reconnect. Its the same as my 6yo needing a big cuddle when he gets home from school, and a quiet chat at bedtime about his day, worries, etc.

Also for what it's worth, my 6yo who was never breastfed doesn't sleep through the night. Ever. My 3yo does often though.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk about this like adults. Both of you will need to compromise to some extent.
I largely agree with your DH’s thoughts but he’s a dick for the way he’s put his point across.
In my opinion, your son should be having dinner and then some breast milk at bedtime. I don’t think a 20 month old needs unlimited access to milk during the night.

@ILoveWhales Its perfectly normal for kids to wake in the night looking for comfort.
I’m well aware of developmental milestones, thanks. DS has been on the early end of most - walking, talking, motor skills, no problem weaning etc.
Hes doing great, I’m certainly not about to deny him a cuddle when he comes to me in the night because he “shouldn’t need it” 🙈

Should I be telling him “no!” and sending him back to his own bed just to be able to tick off the “sleeps through the night” box? 🤷🏻‍♀️

A child aged 20 months needs proper food. Currently he’s filling up on breastmilk, which isn’t doing him any favours.

Many of you have criticised the DH but I’d be interested to hear his side of all this. I’m pretty sure there more to this situation than we know about.

@Tinyearlgrey You’ve done an amazing job feeding your DS but it’s now time to focus on feeding him proper food. He definitely doesn’t need feeding during the night, that’s a habit that you must stop. You’ll be surprised how quickly little ones adapt.

"You don't get a medal for doing
for 2 years what should be over within a few months"

Could you link to your sources for this? As this is not the recommended guidance. What's your background in terms of education around breastfeeding that qualifies you to make these repeated sweeping statements?

Op are you in a breastfeeding support group? It might be worth reaching out to them or joining one so you can get solid advice from a consultant who is trained as there's a lot of misinformation on this thread and a lot of assumptions being made.

You are the only one being judgemental- obviously women who choose not to breastfeed or are unable to breastfeed bond perfectly well with their babies, but it's perhaps done in sightly different ways. Op is breastfeeding so the bonding for her child has centered around that, a parent who formula feeds will also bond but that might centre around different connections. Neither is superior, just different - so it's worrying to me that you think the solution is for a mother who breastfeeds to remove that source of connection and comfort before either she or her child is ready just because YOU would do things differently.

I think your DH is right.

This seems more about meeting your own needs rather than what’s best for your toddler in terms of managing transitions during the day.

At almost 2 years old your child should not be relying on breastfeeding to fill him up and he should be persuaded into eating proper meals with breastfeeding only at bedtime although I’d be cutting that too.

Personally, I think breastfeeding until they’re 2 years old unless they’re unwell, is completely unnecessary. You’re actively excluding your DH in helping to bond with the child and why would you do this? You’re not in a competition with him?

This also is a particularly westernised view of infant sleep in many, many parts of the world, extended co sleeping and extended breastfeeding is the absolute norm and not out of necessity. What you are suggesting is just one way to do things. Absolutely loads of people co sleep and extended bf at night but because of how hung up we are in the UK around breastfeeding in general (we have one of the lowest rates of breastfeeding in the world) they are often shamed and don't discuss it openly thanks to attitudes like yours and others on this thread.

If your son is wanting boob during the night then your OH is right that things need to start to move in a bit. He is too old to be doing this. It would be best if he were sleeping through the night after a proper meal and a bit of boob as a comfort, rather than being so boob dependent.

You need to sit down with your OH and talk through a way you can both achieve this together with the minimum of upset.

"You’re actively excluding your DH in helping to bond with the child and why would you do this?"

I'm sorry what utter shit. If a man cannot bond with his child because a mum breastfeeds from time to time in the day then that is 100% that man's problem for not stepping up. There are SO many ways to bond with a child outside of breastfeeding, children need SO much care and connection outside of feeding alone. Are you suggesting that disabled parents who are unable to easily feed their children cannot bond?

I have a DC similar age to you op and yeah tbh, i agree with your DH.

No way that age should DC be having milk for dinner without any actual food.

I know PPs think DH is being harsh in his methods, but what are you yourself trying to do in an attempt to get DC to eat properly at dinner?

What else does DC eat during the day and how much? Does DH have a genuine concern here that he isn’t getting enough? If he is only having 2 meals a day, i would also be concerned with things like iron. Are you giving your DC vitamins and iron?

I'd say DH is unreasonable here. Poor baby is exhausted. Can I make a suggestion, ask the childminder to feed him sometimes just before pickup so he's had a meal there then milk at home. It's absolutely not about your needs like another poster has said.

What time is he collected from the childminder? When my toddlers stopped their daytime naps (2ish rather than 20 months though) they started falling asleep super early, like 5.30 (A revelation - I suddenly had evenings!) So he may well just be too tired for the whole dinner thing. Could your childminder feed him something substantial around 4 and then once he gets home he only needs a snack?

It is entirely normal for a breastfed toddler to want boob on pickup – please ignore those saying it’s not. Do some reading on breast for comfort, natural-term weaning etc etc and sit down calming to discuss (educate) with your husband. Your poor kid. And it’s concerning that your husband has the final say on this, I would’ve just picked him up and fed him. What’s he worried about? That he’s not getting enough calories? Unless there’s anything to suggest he’s starving it’s an odd line to draw. He’ll eat when he’s hungry and he’ll nurse when he’s been apart from his main caregiver all day and is tired / wants comfort. It’s hardly surprising.

20 months old isn’t a ‘baby’ though

In many parts of the world, the parts you are suggesting, the women don't work.

They don't put their children in nursery go out to work like the op, has, they don't get back to a wound up, stressed and fractious child either cause mum is always there. Children in the parts of the world you're suggesting don't get to that level of discomfort, literally screaming for their mother and for comfort because they haven't seen them all day.

I never understood that this argument about parenting across the world. Would you really like to live in a country where you don't go to work and be attached to your children, 24/7?

The op clearly works long hours in full-time. Seeing is, she's not getting back until dinnertime. That is absolutely not a criticism.

But based on her lifestyle, it clearly doesn't work to have a child attached to her breast all night at two years of age. She's got to sleep too because she's got to get up for work.

He's not getting enough nourishment or enough sleep because he's waking for food all the time because he won't eat his dinner, because he wants breast milk instead because he hasn't seen his mum all day, because she's been at work all day. He needs to be in a better routine to suit the family's lifestyle, unless you're suggesting his mother gives up work to focus on breastfeeding?

Perhaps she should move to a third world country give up work co sleep and breastfeed, until the child is six?

You've made no argument at all. This is what happens in the west because of our lifestyle. Most households need two working parents and you cannot be a slave to your child all night. What you're suggesting that happens across the rest of the world wouldn't work here.

Your argument don't make sense about establishing breastfeeding either she clearly managed to establish breastfeeding, because he's nearly two and won't let go of it.

Sleep is a skill. It must be taught. Everyone saying oh just let him, he won’t be doing it at 20 - no, probably not. But he may be a poor sleeper, unable to get back to sleep, unable to sleep in unfamiliar environments. The reaction to the issue might change but the issue remains.

I had something similar with my youngest, but it continued to about 2.5 and it was really really traumatic for her getting her off bf. She was not eating enough and was below the 0.4 centile. She was very healthy and extremely enegetic and strong for her age, but the weight thing really concerned my GP. Given my time over, i would have weaned her off much sooner.

Surely your child should be fully weaned by now?

Your issue here is 'breastfeeding toddler ' he's too old to be getting all his nutrition from milk and it's creating problems with weaning him. He is WAY too old for night feeds but is waking for them out of habit. If he's refusing to eat because he'd rather feed then its time to knock the breastfeeding on the head. He's not a baby anymore and it does them no favours to treat them like babies.

Surely you're heard breastfeeding is recommended until 2.