Breastfeeding toddler choosing boob over food - husband and I not seeing eye to eye.

[Tinyearlgrey]

My 20 month DS has stopped napping at his childminder so when he gets home he is absolutely exhausted, screaming, having a melt down and all he wants is the boob. When it’s me and him at home, I’ll breastfeed him and sometimes take him straight to bed or he’ll boob then have dinner. My DH working pattern has changed so now he can bring DS home, DS is in the same state but now DH insists I don’t breastfeed him because he should be eating dinner. DH has been asking me to go upstairs and hide from DS so he doesn’t see me and gets upset meaning he eats his dinner (this has worked once after he cried for about 45 mins then relented and ate his dinner). We co-sleep and DS has never slept through the night, but I barely wake when he night feeds anymore as he has free access to the boob. DH thinks that breast milk won’t keep him full enough for overnight so he must eat food, hence his insistence on DS eating his dinner.

This evening was awful, DS was screaming and screaming for me and “milkies”, DH said I wasn’t to breastfeed him and just wait for him to calm down and eat his dinner. He cried and cried and cried and I ended up going upstairs crying too because everything in my body was telling me to feed my baby and comfort him, but I felt like I couldn’t because my husband told me not too. DH isn’t violent or abusive, he’s academically very clever and I feel like he holds this over me….

How do I even approach this? Am I damaging my little one by prioritising breastfeeding him rather than having dinner at night?

Me too what a wanker. Having a battle of wills with a toddler, pathetic.

Ah it’s cute that you think an adult man gets to dictate what I do with my body. He’d be welcome to the spare room to get all that life affirming sleep.

I think at just under 2 he should be having dinner. If he was a baby I would be but he's not.

So I think no bf, dinner after nursery and also I wouldn't be bf to sleep throughout night, ge does need to learn to sleep without boob.

The way your dh deals speaks would be a deal breaker for me.

It doesn’t have to be milk OR dinner though? Just give him a quick breastfeed when you pick him up - it’s likely mostly for comfort and he won’t take much. Then give him dinner. My daughter is happy that way round, no reason OP’s DS won’t be. This insistence on food before milk… I get it when you’re trying to up their solid intake, but if they’re otherwise eating well and just seeking some comfort… why have this battle?

Imagine the cortisol coursing through his body as he’s stressed and distressed! It’s so bad for them. And your stress tbh - listening to that will be unbearable and physically and emotionally quite traumatic.

Jesus if we can’t even be kind to them for the first couple years of their life… there’s time enough to learn the hard realities later on. Just make him (and you!) happy where you can!

Is your husband controlling in other ways?

What he's doing doesn't benefit anyone, least of all ds. It seems to be about wanting a baby to follow his rules as opposed to being concerned over his wellbeing. Being hysterical will disturb his sleep far more than no dinner will.

Could you send his dinner to the childminder for her to heat up and have him eat it before he gets picked up? Not that you should have to but mine had 'tea' at nursery so if they didn't eat at home it was no bother.

I don't say this lightly but I'd be considering leaving my husband if he tried to dictate how I fed/comforted my child. It's not right.

I don't think your husband is going about it the right way as it's alot to ask a child that young to change their routine so suddenly. But I understand his point, at 20 months your child needs more than milk, he does need to eat his meals. I'd try keeping him on boob for less time before dinner, say to have his dinner then after dinner more boob. Then gradually make the before boob shorter and the after boob longer until he gets more into a dinner then boob rather than a boob then dinner routine.

This.

Seek free professional advice from the breastfeeding network. They have a free helpline for information and support for whatever you need. Your husband could always speak to an advisor as he clearly misunderstands breastfeeding and the reasons for it.

I always remember a lovely health visitor telling a mother “toddlers can survive on surprisingly little food”. This wasn’t because they were being starved, it was because they weren’t needing at that point in their development and growth. Nurture and comfort were the priorities at the time for various reasons.

Everything is a phase and you provide whatever they need at this young age. You husband is verging on abusive

My four month old breastfed baby no longer has night feeds... (They sleep through) I don't think there's anything wrong with extended breastfeeding but I think you need to train your DC to stop feeding overnight, and he needs to eat dinner! Milk isn't enough to sustain them at this age

I feel for you OP, this is a tricky stage. There's so much more to breastfeeding than the food part. It really helps to regulate emotions - nothing quietens a baby/toddler like a boob! I think this needs pointing out to your husband. Nursing Is your son's way of coming down from his day. Is there any way your son can have a snack at the childminders before pickup?

To add, I breastfed both my children untill 5 and 4 respectively, co slept, boob in bed etc. They're both very independent, confident little children who at least start the night in their own beds! Everyone is entitled to parent in their own way, but I really wish people would stop criticising extended breastfeeding when there are actually a lot of benefits.

At 20 months, your DC should be sleeping through, and eating dinner. If breastfeeding is stopping those things from happening, you need to stop doing it.
your husband is being a tool though.

Is he being fed properly at the childminders op ? Sounds like he is being underfed and overstimulated there

This

So many of these blanket statements.... SO many children who are not breastfed struggle with sleeping through the night - in fact, statistically speaking breastfeeding mothers actually get MORE sleep on average than mothers who don't. I know children who were formula fed and were dreadful sleepers. Breastfeeding is not the reason this child is not sleeping.

Nowhere has the op mentioned a concern for this child's weight, they are presumably getting plenty of solid food during the day at child minders. There is a question of overstimulation at the child minders and the timings around dinner. But breastfeeding is always an easy blame.

@mscactus that's great your baby is sleeping, but this is an anomaly at 4 months old.

I would never let my husband tell me when to breastfeed my baby. He's crossed the line there.
Your baby is overtired and misses you. He needs you.
Breastfeeding is different than bottle-feeding, as it's a tool for bonding, comfort, as well as nourishment. There's nothing like it, anyway, if he's anything like my babies, he'll be weaning himself very soon.

I agree, see also ‘I boob him’ 🤢

Unlimited breastmilk at night at 20m? No no no. Your child will be hungrier for food if not taking in God knows how many calories at night.

I think your husband is concerned youre prioritizing bm over food in general. With good reason. His method of telling you stinks tho.

I say this as someone who co slept and breastfed all mine til approx 3. Nightweaned way before between 8 to 12 months.

I hate the way your husband is going about it but he’s not wrong- a nearly 2YO should be having a nap at the childminder’s, eating a proper dinner and then sleeping through the night. And unfortunately it sounds like your breastfeeding routine is causing problems with all of those. Whilst he definitely owes you an apology for his manner, to give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he’s utterly exasperated. Time to sit down when DS it at childcare and have a calm, adult conversation about how to structure your routine going forward. Remember this is also about DS because to be healthy and happy he needs to be able to nap at the childminder’s, eat dinner and get a proper night’s sleep. His distress when you get in and being all overtired then starving hungry overnight must surely show you how it isn’t even working well for him.

You don't get a medal for doing
for 2 years what should be over within a few months

A two year old does not need the breast all night at that age.

All it means is an unhealthy habit has been cultivated, which should have been nipped in the bud.

A baby needs to wake through the night for feeding.Because the stomach are so small, they can't go all night without food. No so for a 20 month old

You don't get any medals or prizes, and you don't deserve a pat on the back for feeding all night at two year old who does not need it.It's just a bad habit at this stage. He's waking all night because he's not eating dinner.Breast milk isn't enough for a child of that age.

I wouldn't get out of my bed
I would make you get out the bed and take the two year old to his own bedroom and sleep with him.

Honestly, a two year old disrupting two adults sleep when he doesn't even need to feed.

So are you saying that babies who aren't breastfed ( you know, some women can't or don't) are unable to bond with their children?

How bloody ridiculous. What do you think? Two year old who aren't breastfed do - they are cuddled and that's enough bonding.

Got the judgements on here.

Why “should” they be doing anything?! My almost 5 year old still doesn’t sleep through!

@Tinyearlgrey Like hell I’d be letting anyone stop me from comforting my child at any age!

My DS completely dropped all naps at about 19/20 months and we had a hellish few months with him being overtired etc come dinner time. Hopefully it settles for you guys soon. Do what works in the mean time!

At 20 months, he needs to be eating dinner. At that age, mine were coming home from nursery at 5:30pm, eating a snack (half a bagel with cream cheese, or a banana and a plate of cheese and crackers) and then eating a full hot dinner before bed.

But you two need to work out how to handle this. At his age, your dh needs to be able to comfort him and he needs to be given space to step in and do it. It would be different if he was 3 months, but he’s not anymore. You two need to work out a plan and both need to be fully engaged in it.

Your five year old should be sleeping through.

There are some things that children should be doing at certain ages.
Developmental milestones are there for a reason.So you can see what they're doing and not doing that is age appropriate.

How would you be able to judge if they were hitting their developmental milestones or not. It's ridiculous to say children shouldn't be doing anything at a certain age.They absolutely should.

Five year old shouldn't be waking in the all night a near two year old shouldn't be breastfeeding all night, they shouldn't be turning up to school in nappies, at four.

Now, you see why these bad habits developed, because parents can't tell them no or be bothered to do anything about it.

Yet another mother who keeps her child as a baby to the detriment of the whole family's rest and her relationship.

The child needs sleep training, everyone needs to be in their own bed at night and there are many age appropriate ways to offer comfort and nutrition to an almost 2 year old.

Oh for God's sake. I'm 50 and I dont sleep through, never have.

Some kids need comfort at night, some don't. All kids are different. Its very, very common for kids to wake at night.

You might feel comfortable telling your kids they are not getting comforted at night if they wake, good for you. Yours might not need it. Others may differ.