Breastfeeding toddler choosing boob over food - husband and I not seeing eye to eye.

[Tinyearlgrey]

My 20 month DS has stopped napping at his childminder so when he gets home he is absolutely exhausted, screaming, having a melt down and all he wants is the boob. When it’s me and him at home, I’ll breastfeed him and sometimes take him straight to bed or he’ll boob then have dinner. My DH working pattern has changed so now he can bring DS home, DS is in the same state but now DH insists I don’t breastfeed him because he should be eating dinner. DH has been asking me to go upstairs and hide from DS so he doesn’t see me and gets upset meaning he eats his dinner (this has worked once after he cried for about 45 mins then relented and ate his dinner). We co-sleep and DS has never slept through the night, but I barely wake when he night feeds anymore as he has free access to the boob. DH thinks that breast milk won’t keep him full enough for overnight so he must eat food, hence his insistence on DS eating his dinner.

This evening was awful, DS was screaming and screaming for me and “milkies”, DH said I wasn’t to breastfeed him and just wait for him to calm down and eat his dinner. He cried and cried and cried and I ended up going upstairs crying too because everything in my body was telling me to feed my baby and comfort him, but I felt like I couldn’t because my husband told me not too. DH isn’t violent or abusive, he’s academically very clever and I feel like he holds this over me….

How do I even approach this? Am I damaging my little one by prioritising breastfeeding him rather than having dinner at night?

I’d tell my husband to unequivocally fuck off and then I’d carry on feeding my child.

You need to feed that baby. The emotional distress you both are experiencing is more important than whether or not they eat their dinner. So long as they eat at other times they’re getting their nutritional needs met, but this is a need for comfort and I don’t think that should be withheld.

Well, when the husband has equal, right to tell her to fuck off and that he is sick and tired of being woken up multiple times at night by a child who doesn't need to be breastfed through the night anymore.

How delightful of you to want to tell your husband to fuck off.

Personally I wouldn't allow my LO (15mo) to breastfeed rather than have food. He has a main cooked meal at lunchtime at nursery, a tea at nursery around 4pm, a snack at home around 6pm, and then a short breastfeed just before going to bed at 7pm. That is the only breastfeed of the day now and I'm pretty sure he's already full from food but just likes the milk for a final bit of comfort and fluids before sleeping. I'd be a bit concerned if he was missing meals and I don't consider a breastfeed a replacement meal in the same way as when he was under 1. So, I do see why your DH has concerns.

Your DH's approach sounds totally out of line though. It's your body and your choice when and how often to breastfeed. Your DH should be gently explaining his concerns and asking if you would consider gradually weaning off the breastfeeding so that your LO can learn that milk is not instead of dinner. He absolutely shouldn't be sending you upstairs away from your child against your wishes. I'd be delighted though if DH sent me off for some peace and quiet while he dealt with feeding tea to our tired and grumpy toddler.

Do you want to keep breastfeeding and co-sleeping? If so then keep doing it. Any plans or way forward has to incorporate it.

The OP doesn't say he's being woken at night.

You said that he feeds and if he doesn't fall asleep, he will then eat dinner - so it's not filling him up too much to eat at all. I can see why he would want to feed as soon as he sees you after being at the childminder's all day. My children did at that age as well, it's totally normal.

The issue seems to be the nights that he feeds and is so tired that he falls asleep. I'd try to avoid this, because I think it probably is a good idea for him to eat dinner, especially if it's his main meal of the day. Could you give him a quick feed downstairs instead, so he doesn't drop off to sleep? Or could he have dinner at the CM's before leaving?

The other question is whether or not DH is right about dinner keeping him asleep overnight. IME this could go either way. I found by that age, breastmilk did pretty much nothing to satiate hunger although it does give them comfort and there are nutritional benefits obviously. If DS is so exhausted that he's falling asleep on the boob despite being hungry, then what will likely happen is that he will treat that like more of an extended nap and when his hunger overtakes his sleepiness, maybe 3-4 hours later, he'll wake up full of beans wanting to eat and play. Which is a right pain when you want to sleep yourself.

OTOH if he eats enough throughout the day, and dinner is more of a supper anyway then it might not hurt for him to skip it when he's really tired - it's not that uncommon for a toddler of this age to wake at night to breastfeed, especially if it's their primary source of comfort at night. Sometimes when people aren't used to BF continuing to this age they just want to insist that everything related to it is a problem which needs to be fixed, because it makes them uncomfortable. But him waking up at night is likely something which affects you more than DH, and if you want to stop night waking, the solution to that is night weaning or sleep training, there is no need to stop BF completely if you don't want to. The WHO recommend that it should continue until age 2 and then as long as mother and child are both happy to.

You say that he has never slept through, so in your observation, does dinner make a difference to his sleep or not?

Agree. The child is 20 months old and it's very, very clear that the OP has been his comfort for all of those 20 months. Him trying to disrupt it in this way is worthy of a humongous fuck off.

"DS was screaming and screaming for me and “milkies”, DH said I wasn’t to breastfeed him and just wait for him to calm down and eat his dinner. He cried and cried and cried and I ended up going upstairs crying too because everything in my body was telling me to feed my baby and comfort him, but I felt like I couldn’t because my husband told me not too. DH isn’t violent or abusive, he’s academically very clever and I feel like he holds this over me…."

Ops dh is exhibiting controlling behaviour and is refusing to allow op to parent in the way she needs to. He is also very clearly ill informed on matters relating to breastfeeding and it is not a leap (realistically) to think that a woman who has spent over a year of her life breastfeeding might know more and have spent more time researching and informing herself in this matter than he has. Therefore it is absolute arrogance for him to decide that he will now dictate how and when she should breastfeed- which is more often than not something that is done responsively and on demand. This is important for maintaining supply and also is important for ensuring op doesn't develop mastitis.

"he is sick and tired of being woken up multiple times at night by a child who doesn't need to be breastfed through the night anymore." If op is breastfeeding at night it is utterly unbelievable that you are leaping to "this poor man and his broken sleep" when op will have dealt with 99% of night wakings and feeding to date. Therefore it should really be about whatever enables op to get the best sleep.

There are plenty of benefits to breastfeeding for longer for mother and baby and in fact most of the health benefits for mothers who breastfeed are associated with longer term breastfeeding. Ops milk will be adapting to boost her child's immune system based on whatever they've been exposed to that day. The WHO recommends breastfeeding for a minimum of 2 years when possible.

Your posts are both filled with myths and misogyny.

Me too.

My 22mo is boob crazy and I can imagine DH and I in this exact situation.

He isn't against her BFIng but he thinks it's too much now and she shouldn't need it as much as she does.

I agree mostly, but it's hard to say no!

Solidarity.

You lost me at "insists." He doesn't lactate so he doesn't dictate. Feed your baby when you want to feed your baby and tell DH to mind his own tits.

I personally wouldn’t tolerate a man dictating what I can do with my child, especially a child who is extremely upset , however I think a 20 month old should be eating dinner to fill them up and get all the nutrients their body needs and then get milk to go to sleep.

so you are in a bit of a catch 22, He isn’t full with dinner before going to sleep which is why he isn’t sleeping through the night and feeds during the night.

food before milk.

Lots of toddlers do have a BF on pick up. That’s perfectly normal.

However you feed your toddler, a good proportion of them will also be far too tired to eat a meal when they get home. The usual way around this is to make breakfast, lunch and snacks more substantial.

I think by 20 months i would try moving him to his own room too. You might find that the night feeds dramatically reduce once he’s not sleeping with you.

Have you thought about doing some gentle night weaning too.

I can understand your DH being frustrated but like others have said, he’s not dealing with it appropriately and I’m surprised you’ve gone along with it and actually hid.

My toddler was very tired/overwhelmed after nursery and wanted to be breastfed to calm down. Absolutely fine and normal. Now he’s at school and cares more about his friends than me. It’s not going to be like this forever

The book Milk When the Sun Comes Up might help too.

What time is he picked up from childminder? Could he have tea there before coming home? Then he could have a feed from you when he gets home and maybe a snack later before bed?

From experience it can be hard for the dads as they don’t understand the bond when you breastfeed. I would suggest you speak to him about weaning and suggest he reads up on it as it can be distressing for a child as it’s a comfort to them. For some advice as someone that went with natural weening my DD breastfeed until she was 3 (a lot longer than I expected to feed) but it is natural and WHO say that weening can be up to 5yrs depending on development etc. I did encourage weening so when she got to 2 I started to encourage feed dropping in the day so I would let DD feed but then I would tell her it’s time to stop yummies (what she called it) I would count to 5 then take her off and I just reduced it down slowly so if she fed for 2 min I would reduce it by 10sec each feed then offer her a snack this helped a lot I think it took 2-3 weeks to drop day feeds then we just had night feeds this went to 1 or 2 a night that was it till she was 3 then we all got a bug and because I was very ill this stopped her feeds altogether. I also got a few books to read her about feeding going away these were good.

I bf my first until 3 and my second I forced off at 4 because I’d had enough.
Its totally normal for a bf coming home from nursery but if he doesn’t eat enough of his dinner it will effect his sleep. So how to manage it. I gave my first his dinner at 10pm at night as that was what worked
You could feed him his dinner doesn’t have to be hot. In the car when you collect him before you set off home.
A distraught toddler isn’t going to eat their dinner so it’s just finding a work round. It’ll all change again in a few months time

My GS was similar aged about 17months. He needed connection but DD didn't want him to be without his dinner. Very tricky situation. She'd bring him lots of freshly chopped fruit she knew he liked - watermelon! Dinner as soon as they got in the door. Then milk at night or after dinner. Your husband is being a dick but he has a point. Don't let him control the narrative. Get control of the situation. Ignore DH for a minute and focus on getting your son to eat dinners most evenings he does need iron in his diet.

Yeah agreed. It’s all too small baby for me - the constant BFing and co sleeping means you son is really dependant on you. If he is refusing to eat dinner, BFing through the night and con sleeping there is more going on here than what you have just said.

You OH didnt handle it well but it all sounds way too much and he’s at the end of his tether (has he talked to you about this before as I can’t believe this was the first time). After two years he might just need some sleep.

Could he have his main meal at your childminders even if it’s early so he can have his feed/bed when home if needed? Could always have a snack when home too if he’s okay to do so.

If your DH is an otherwise rational man, sounds like he’s worried about your child’s nutritional intake. However agree with others he shouldn’t be stopping you from comforting him.

I’d have a rational conversation about it with him when things have calmed down.
Ideally he’d have some food in the evening but toddlers don’t always go with the ideal!

At nearly two years old, I think your DH has a valid point that your child needs to learn that they have dinner before bed and boob comfort if necessary.

A comfort feed can’t be a substitute for a proper meal forever.

The phrase ‘the boob’ is so cringe.

I agree completely with this.