French shopkeeper thinks English parenting is terrible

[Turquoiseforever]

Long one sorry, but I've included details to try and give an accurate picture!

Holidaying in France currently and have had a memorable incident in a shop today that has given me some food for thought, just interested in other people's thoughts on this.

Gave my oldest kids (3 & 6) €5 each to buy a souvenir of their choice at our local seaside town. Most shops turned out to be quite bougie and aimed at adults, but saw one which looked hopeful. Had an A-frame sign outside with a plastic colourful beach windmill on it, and a rack of children's clothes. Went in and quickly realised it was again full of very valuable things. At one end was a basket of handmade crocheted teddies, handmaid kids clothing, and some wooden toys. The kids took a look at the teddies, picked one up each then sat in two kids chairs holding them on their laps for a few minutes while I had a quick look round the shelves around them. We had a look at a few other things together, for full disclosure: when we entered my 3yo picked up a very delicate cup which I quickly set down and reminded her not to do. As we were leaving my 6yo very gently pointed out a necklace to me on a very flimsy stand that started to tip over, which I caught before it fell and set upright again. They looked at a few other things without incident or touching.

We didn't spend long, said merci and went on our way. About 10 mins later a lady from the shop approached us in the street and informed me my kids had broken two toys in her shop. We went back with her and found out that the rabbit teddies they had been holding had some very thin toothpick-like sticks of wood in each ear (to shape them a bit) which had been broken by my daughters twisting the ears, pretending to give them a 'hair style'. I had no idea at all they had been broken. Obviously this is my responsibility and error of judgement, and was totally correct to be brought to my attention.

However, the lady also subjected me to a rant about how French children would NEVER pick things up in a shop, they are taught "limits", whereas all summer she has had English, German etc children visiting and breaking things and being given "no limits" by their parents. Complained we had left the place a mess and her husband had to tidy behind us, because the teddies were placed back in the basket but not sat upright as previously displayed (I had set the chairs back carefully but admittedly been distracted from checking the basket).

I pushed back (calmly!) on her generalised critique of my parenting, and she said she has just lost patience after a summer full of similar experiences and essentially admitted this lecture wasn't personal. Still, it was pretty heavy handed to give in public in front of my children and other customers.

To be clear I know I made an error. We had been in a few quite breakable shops already which required heavy parenting, and I guess I saw an opportunity for a quick relief for us all. Normally I would supervise my children looking at anything handmade, so it was a lax moment, but I did think they were just wool and stuffing and wouldn't suffer at all from light playing. Also, typically I wouldn't take my children into these kind of shops. They have never broken anything in a shop before!

I just wonder how humbled I should be. Did I just catch this lady on a really bad day? Was she a bit racist? Are french children really that obedient all the time? Should I strike it off as a bad day and move on without too much thought, or do I take the criticism on board more strongly and accept I should be stricter with things like this and re-evaluate my parenting?! Do we really have much lower standards in the UK?

It's a shame, we've had a lovely holiday but now I feel like we're not that welcome here and have been judged/looked down on in general. Do we really have a terrible reputation in France?

Yep.😳

I understand fine. She misread the situation. We have a local toy shop where children touch all manner of toys on display. Her children were quietly handling some soft toys and she misjudged whether or not this was a problem. Bizarrely if the shopkeeper knew them to follow and berate them, she also could have said as soon as the OP’s children touched the toys “excuse me, those are for display only, I’d appreciate you not handling them.”

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t have done as the OP did, but it’s just one of those mistakes in life. Her children weren’t rampaging about trashing the shop.

Everyone chipping in about French vs English kids is at it and clearly has no real experience of the country. The idea that French children are better behaved is laughable.

This is just one of those posts on Mumsnet that attracts bonkers people with steam to let off. “I would have reprimanded your children myself OP, what a disgrace, it’s gentle parenting GONE MAD” and so on and bloody blah blah blah.

She's right. I'd have been annoyed at your kids too.

Another sensible comment.

I’m noticing that all the measured comments on this thread are from French people or people like myself who lived in France for years.

Her children were not "quietly handling soft toys". They took teddies out of the basket and played with them, giving them "hairstyles" and there was no intention to buy. The shopkeeper probably assumed they were going to buy the items, having used them - but they didn't!
The delicate tea cup and the necklace incident just add to a picture of poor parenting and judgement.

Could be classed as xenophobia

I wouldn’t have let my children play with these teddies. But equally after a long summer of parenting shit happens. I’d pay for the broken teddies and forget about it.

Yes, that's really the point. Mistakes happen. She should have bought the teddies when she could see her children were playing with them, or, failing that, pay and apologise for damage.

"Look with your eyes not your fingers". Was said to me as a child. Now I say it to my grandchildren

Uh-huh… ok 🤷🏻‍♀️

In general parlance, ‘racist’ is usually related to skin colour.

In the OP’s case, I’d have thought ‘anti people with badly behaved children’ was correct. You can’t even say ‘anti-English’ since the shopkeeper included Germans.

And ‘xenophobic’ would include all non-French. Which may or may not have been the case.

I think you under-parented your children. I wouldn’t have let mine play with the toys unless I’d bought them. Maybe I’m joyless but then I’ve never been reprimanded by a shopkeeper or had to pay for damages.

I wouldn't let my children play with things in shops. But neither would I have taken them into a shop with delicate items tbh, unless I knew they were able to just look and not touch. I wouldn't want the bill for broken items.

French shopkeeper has a point.

And you haven’t proved her wrong.

You're not joyless, you've got boundaries for your children. I'm sure that they have plenty of play and good times!

I could fill the whole website with my stories...

You should’ve paid for both broken toys not one.

I used to work in a toy shop so I totally get the shopkeepers point. A large majority of parents did let their kids play/ruin/break things & run unsupervised.

Having said that, she was very rude in how she spoke to you. I hope the broken toys were paid for though.

As a side note, we used to host foreign students at our house. The only ones we had a problem with were French young teenagers. The German and Spanish were a delight to host. So I don't buy that all French kids are well behaved.

Xenophobia/xenophobic might be a more appropriate word than racist in this sense.

👏👏👏

Yes I agree.

I see kids often in supermarkets picking stuff up then dumping it in the next aisle and so on. Parents oblivious/don't care.

Crack on then - it’s a discussion forum.

I don’t think it was bizarre, she probably thought, or at least hoped, OP intended to buy the items, since she had very deliberately picked out 2 for her DC.

It would have been worse if she pre judged OP, but she didn’t, she gave her the ‘benefit of the doubt’.

Anyway I don’t think OP will be doing it again.

According to UK law, the definition of racism includes abusive behaviour aimed at nationality and citizenship so, strictly speaking (and based on the fact this is a UK based conversation even though the incident happened in France) your use of the term racism is accurate.

I’d agree with this. Had to tell a group of French teens to take their feet off the seats on the trains.

I do think their toddlers are treated more strictly though - I’ve never seen them allowed to run in cafes for example - not like you see here.

woman was probably at the end of her test her rope and you got the fall out.