Are the teenage years that bad for everyone?

[Fluck]

Pondering this tonight. All mine are still in primary school and the eldest has just turned 10, I was thinking yeah I’ve had some hard times but it’s never been that hard. I keep telling myself the teenager years and going to be awful and hard but are they bad for everyone? Does secondary school / teenage really change a child so dramatically? It’s a bigger worry now my eldest is heading into Y7 soon and I feel like I’m bracing myself for the awfulness to come.

Has anyone had a relatively easy time with a teen?

We have an absolute dream of a 21 year old, she’s never given us a hint of cheek or poor behaviour and obviously we’re now past the teens.
We do, however, also have a very strong-willed 12 year old. I’m not sure his teens will be as smooth sailing!

I've had 2 teen SC and DD. No horror stories, no drama. We've all got on well - no arguments at home, willing to come on holiday and spend time with us.
They all did well as school, DSS needed a bit of extra 'encouragement' but did great at Uni and is now in a good job.
I think you have to adjust how you parent as you go along and hit the elusive sweet spot between letting go and being present for them.

100 times better than the baby stage for me.

@Fluck yes and no. Single mum of 2 lovely lads but we had about 18 months where it was one thing after another after another. Thankfully its all sorted now for both my lads and they're both really really happy. If you can talk it helps so much. My youngest was really miserable but didn't know how to tell me because he was worried he would overload me. It does get better though. Like I said both soo much happier now x

Mine’s 16 and he’s honestly amazing, never had a single issue except maybe a bit of grumpiness when he’s tired. He worked hard for his GCSEs and of off to 6th form next week, has 2 part time jobs, a lovely girlfriend and he even cooks all our food for us! Hes also a proper gentleman, he’ll always hold doors open and help me bring the shopping in etc. He’s a “deep thinker” and we have the most random conversations in the car. It’s not just us being biased, everyone comments on what a lovely boy he is and he’ll have a good conversation with anyone. We consider ourselves extremely lucky.

No. It’s genuinely a joy to be around them.

I must admit that my eldest did move out at 16 though to join the raf so maybe 16- 18 would have been tough years if he lived at home. Who knows. He comes home at weekends and for holidays. He is now 18.

My youngest is currently 16. He is amazing. He rang 111 to chase up the ambulance my mum needed recently. He picked up a chocolate cake for me on the way home from work the other day (I gave him the money but it saved me going out.),
Over the summer holidays he has cooked for himself when I have been at work. Sounds like a small thing but I am really funny about healthy eating etc so he cooks 4 green chef meals a week for himself so basically I only cook on my days off work.

They are not perfect. They have both been drunk recently. 1 was sick and the other one fell over. It’s not a regular thing though.

The younger one has about £1500 in his uni savings account, which won’t go far sadly. He offered to lend it to me to pay for the plumber the other day.

He came shopping with me and my friend the other day. He gets on well with all my friends who are adults. He can hold a conversation with anyone of any age. He is great company.

I could go on and on. They are amazing.

I did lose a little boy when he was 13 weeks old though to Sids so maybe that’s why I think my teens are so amazing. I’m just so happy to have them. They are genuinely kind to me and to others.

They do ignore my texts sometimes. Also they don’t buy me gifts for birthdays/ Mother’s Day which might annoy some people but it’s because I really hate tat and clutter so I have told them not to. (I have read a few posts about some people being upset that their teens don’t bother so maybe I just think they are great as I hate things like that anyway.)

Each stage is good. Teens is a fun time though.

I have found I do a lot of life admin for them though. All the paperwork for my son to join the military. All the research for my other son’s future uni choice and what the requirements will be. Many more things.

Any drama they ring me. Any good news they ring me. Any funny stories they tell me. I love hearing about their friends and the silly things they do. I will point out that the older one doesn’t just ring me for a general chat ever. I do make more effort as I am the adult.

Yes so far teen years have been great. My eldest was hard work until 12 then completely chilled out during puberty in lockdown and has been great every since, now 17. He could do more school work and be more organised but really no major issues. The younger one now 14 has always been an easy kid and so far no problems at all.

No. I’ve only got one who is now 20. We never had any drama at all. He’s just a nice person to be around and I enjoy his company. That didn’t change when he was a teenager. I know I’m lucky.

No, it's no bad for everyone. To some extent it's out of your control, a bit like toddlers - sometimes whatever you do you get awful ones, and it's no one's fault.

I think you can set yourself up for trouble if you batten down the hatches, assuming it will be awful. Also, you have to appreciate teens aren't kids any more and let them have independence.

Things that can help are finding some common interests you can share even when they are older.

Mine are 14 and 17 and it's all pretty good so far but perhaps it's mostly luck.

Ds nearly 15 and such an arsehole about everything. Really horrible to me and doesn't do anything asked of him. So selfish and phone addicted. Super-spoilt. DH gives in to him all the time so he's just got to argue, ignore me and be rude and dismissive then get a lift from his dad!!

Depressing always being shouted at and either treated like a slave, or ignored when I ask him to do stuff.

Went on holiday recently and he was hard hard work. He thinks nothing of keeping everyone waiting for him and getting him out of bed impossible.

We’ve had an incredibly easy time, very few dramas, only two incidents with alcohol, very little rudeness/grumpiness beyond mild pmt. DD is almost 18 and throughout her teen years has still hugged us, kissed us both goodnight every night, enjoyed activities with us and been great company. She’s given us very little to worry about, done very well in exams. She’s a genuinely lovely, fun, kind person and I feel honoured to be her mum.

So while you will always worry about some aspect of their teen life, if you can keep up the routine of dinner together and doing something you both love together and keep communication strong, then it doesn’t have to be terrible.

I am sure there is a lot of luck involved but I also think we were pretty strict about not letting her disappear into her phone and that was key. Now she puts her own limits on screen time and is aware too much phone time affects her mood. She’s learned that self control. If DD has ever snapped at us or been a bit moody we’ve always pulled her up on it so she knows we don’t accept being treated badly. I think there are ways to navigate the hormones and moods and manage phone addiction and if you get it right, you can have a loving meaningful respectful relationship throughout.

No. I have 2 in their 20s now and they were never any bother as teens. We are autistic and we live very differently to the families I read about on here, we are very relaxed and I did everything I could to make the kids lives easier, not harder. I made a choice to be present in their lives and tap into their special interests.

My 15 and 12 year old are great, in some ways easier than when they were younger.

That’s not a kid problem; it’s a DH problem. The issue is your DS sees his dad disrespecting you and going for the easy win, in getting your son on side. It’s easier to parent kids when you aren’t also trying to parent their other parent as well. At the moment you’re just the annoying unreasonable woman getting in the way of boys’ rights to do whatever the fuck they like.

Time to get tough.

I'm not going to sugar coat it. For me it's been brutal and I don't know how we've come through it.

I just typed a whole list of the issues we have faced with DD and then deleted it because I just don't want to see it all set out here.

DS had his issues for a while but seemed to get better at 16.

Two DC now 17 and 20 and just about seeing some light after a very dark and difficult time.

DS is 16 and DD 20 and they were both fine as Teens, thoroughly enjoyed it.
DS still has time to be an arse but I doubt it

I’ve had three go through the teenage years. They’ve had their moments but all in all they’ve been decent.

In some ways it’s the nicest stage. Their company is so lovely. The stressful thing is that their problems are not problems parents can fix and that’s really difficult.

Agree. I love it. Baby stage, sooo hard!

My boys are 14 and 11 so still a while to go before we're safely through the woods. There are different challenges as they get older but they are lovely company, very well behaved, do let off a bit a steam at home but nothing too awful. Among friends with older children it's been a mixture of smooth sailing and really difficult. I think having good men around really helps when boys are teenagers, be that Dads or other relatives. Also agree that being involved in sport in really good for them.

Just want to add to my post above that I don't think there is a magic recipe to getting it 'right' - and some people go through difficult stages in their teens regardless.

3 boys - now 20, 17 and 13. No issues so far touch wood!

I am loving having teens. One turns 18 in October, the others are 15 and 13. Also one who is nearly 10. Older two are girls, younger 2 boys.

i found late primary much harder with the 13 YO and my eldest.

We’ve just had a great holiday where they all got on pretty well and were amazing company. Sure that there are trials yet to come but it’s all good at the moment.

I should point out that I have been pleasantly surprised having found things quite difficult at points over the past 17 years.

My kids were/are easy teens. They kept away from the drama llamas and rebels at school on the whole, which I think helped. They’re really calm and communicate well so if there was ever an issue they just talked to us. In turn, we were/are very open with them and listen to them. We had boundaries but not rules for rules sake. When it came to stuff that teens do like drinking at 16, we just made sure they did it as sensibly as possible and let them know that if something went wrong, we would rather know than it be hidden from us.

When I read stuff on here, I know we’ve been really fortunate, although I think we’ve been really good parents (if I do say so myself) 😂 Youngest is only 16 so in theory could still go off the rails, but I think it’s unlikely. She’s just a very easygoing person.

I think we paid our dues in the baby and toddler years. One was very ‘lively and spirited’ as a toddler and one didn’t sleep properly til they were about 6. 😭