Are the teenage years that bad for everyone?

[Fluck]

Pondering this tonight. All mine are still in primary school and the eldest has just turned 10, I was thinking yeah I’ve had some hard times but it’s never been that hard. I keep telling myself the teenager years and going to be awful and hard but are they bad for everyone? Does secondary school / teenage really change a child so dramatically? It’s a bigger worry now my eldest is heading into Y7 soon and I feel like I’m bracing myself for the awfulness to come.

Has anyone had a relatively easy time with a teen?

It’s terrible

DS is 12 and so far all good

I have two teenage DDs (eldest nearly 18). Yes they change, and yes there are struggles, but it's been OK so far. No sex, drugs or rock and roll issues. Do well at school. We live rurally and kids are into sport which may help (stark contrast to my own teenage years, during which I think I was a bit of a nightmare).

I am really enjoying my DCs company as they get older. Generally they are reasonable, rational human beings. On the whole they like good music, they are funny and entertaining company. Some questionable outfits at times, and it is unsettling when they are out at night with mates but they are pretty good at keeping in contact, and so far they have always made it back home on time and in one piece. Honestly it’s not anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be.

Yes and no.
They were always pretty nice kids tbh, no bad attitudes, no doors slamming and we never argued/shouted at each other.
There were some cases of falling out with friends etc but they dusted themselves down pretty quickly and moved on.
Worst for us was dc2 and the mental health struggles. It was heartbreaking tbh and 7 years on, although we are all doing okay it’s never not in my mind.
Youngest is now a teen and is very laid back and chilled at the moment but always prepared for this to change!
My advice is to just be there as much as you can to listen.
Mine liked (and still like!) coming out in the car with me to run errands. It’s easier to talk about anything when there’s no eye contact, less intense and less pressure. They also decided they would want to come and hang out with me at 11pm for chats 😂 annoying as I was tired but I never turned them away, always wanted them to know I was there. It was mostly inane teen chat about nail polish or talking through a ‘big decision’ like a new hairstyle but occasionally it lead to more,
deeper conversations.
Anyway op good luck, none of us get it right all of the time, we just do our best!

I didn't find it too bad. Easier than baby or primary years for me. Depends on the dc I guess.

My eldest DS has been pretty easy. He's 19 now. I think what really helped is he's pretty dedicated to a hobby and has been since starting secondary school and his social life is very much linked to the hobby.

He's missed out on hanging about with school peers but he's happy, travels alot and has a pretty positive attitude to life.

Now the others.......... more of a worry but so far nothing too alarming.

I think the really hard bit of parenting a teen is knowing what battles to fight, knowing when they need your support and when they don't. I frequently tell mine I might keep stuffing it up but I'm always there, always trying and we'll muddle on through.

1 yes. Nightmare. The other one no, never caused me any worries

It is hard. Much more complex than when they're small. Modern life seems designed to make the teen years even harder than before.

I was a fucking nightmare teen but my son has been totally fine. He’s 17 and I’m really sad I only have one more year of him living with me. I recently had an accident and he was really helpful while I was recovering, bless him. He is sociable and has always spent a lot of time outside which I’m pleased about. He does pretty well at school and I like his friends. So I know I’m really lucky - but I know quite a few decent kids his age!

Yes and no . . . one of my DC is 13 and can be lovely company, lots of fun and it’s a pleasure to watch and support her grow. At other times she can be verrrrry tricky. She’s easier in the holidays and at weekends when we spend time together, I think that helps, spending time chatting, listening and just being there. I find myself having to pick my battles, not sweat the small stuff and bite my tongue at times to keep the peace! If you keep reminding yourself that their brains are not fully developed or matured yet, then it helps with the absurdity of it all!

I have 3dc aged 16-21 and can honestly say no it hasn't been bad. Its different parenting (less physical/more emotional support). Keep the lines of communication open, be flexible but have boundaries and expectations.
Letting go can be difficult dc3 is just about to start alevels and I think they should have chosen different subjects (although I understand their reasoning) so you pick which things are important give your point of view/advice and then let them get on with it (but support them if it goes wrong) they learn along the way.
My three are great company, helpful and all different. I've loved every stage of parenting but I think teen years are great (although dc2 has some friends who seem to be forever arguing with their parents we've never had that).

My girls were fine during teen years, there was the odd issue but nothing major. Same as most of my friends and their kids

No. Mine were both a pleasure as teenagers. No dramas, no trouble, no bad behaviour, just brilliant fun.
As four year olds it was a different story.

It's awful. Arguments, drama, nonsense day in day out.

Please don’t dread the teenage years, everyone likes to say how awful they are, but that’s not everyone’s experience. I’ve had 3 teenage boys and they were all amazing, with no big issues.

Couple of tricky years with ds in yr7 and 8. High school hit hard socially and what was quirky behaviour in primary turned out to be signs of autism, which were ignored, as he was fine academically. Lots of v weird behaviour from quite a troubled boy.

But discussing that he could be autistic helped enormously and, apart from being a lazy creature, the mid teens have been great.

Younger dc also so good so far.

I was a fairly horrible teen, so I don't know how we're having a decent ride.

I have ds19 and dd17. There have been a few dramas here and there but nothing so bad, I've been lucky as both are quite chilled.
I found the younger years harder going tbh.

I don't know?

I have 2 out of 4 that are now (19 and 21) it depends what people call an issue they've never stormed out, never shouted at me (beyond general stroppiness) they don't swear at me, they don't hide alcohol or come home being sick.

My eldest is trans but it didnt really shock us(!)

There's been heartbreak, mental health, school refusal and all sorts but you cope with it as you have too.

Here I go again for the younger 2!

Thinking about it, I was a v unhappy teen and took it out on the family. Not helped by a largely absent but authoritarian dad. I'm the boss at home, but i also listen and am willing to debate. Having said that, neither of my kids wants to do half the stuff I did at their age, so no conflict.

>> I keep telling myself the teenager years and going to be awful and hard

Don't make this your starting point. It is tough being a teenager. They need love, respect, support, guidance - as much as they did when they were toddlers. Their amygdala goes offline and they're trying to become adult humans without a fully functioning emotion and processing centre.

I think that sometimes the wheels come off when people start from a point of a parent / child relationship where they expect children to do as they're told, and then they either want that dynamic to continue into the teenage years, or else they completely pull back and let the teen get on with things without guidance. Parenting teens starts with a respectful parent / child relationship, and requires a light touch and an ability to bite your tongue.

I found it helpful to do a bit of learning about the teenage brain. I would say that I worked pretty hard on parenting them during the adolescence years. I have three children and and I have a strong and close relationship with all of them. There were wobbles, as there are in any family dynamic, but I actually loved the teenage years. It was a privilege to guide three brilliant young people as they worked out who they wanted to be. I didn't get everything right, and we are close enough that they can affectionately tell me the bits I got wrong because they know everything I did came from a place of love and that I did my best for them.

My youngest and I butted heads a few times, and I had to rethink things that had worked for the other two but didn't for her. I never lost sight of my job, which is to support her to become the best version of herself, whatever that may look like.

Mine are 19 and nearly 16 and I've been pretty lucky so far.
The first 5 years of parenthood felt like survival and DC1 didnt sleep a full night til they were 6, but since then i feel like its been OK. I love spending time with my teens, they make me laugh, we all take the piss out of each other and DS especially likes to play pranks (often at my expense) all the time.

But im aware that a) we've been lucky and b) things can change!

Depends on the kids and parenting styles.

Rigid, rule-based, purity-driven, unrealistic expectations of teenage girls: drama central, prepare for lots of drinking and unsuitable liaisons.

Having low expectations for teenage boys, “boys will be boys! They drink/ smoke/ do stupid shit”: drama central, prepare for lots of drinking and unsuitable liaisons.

if you treat them like maturing adolescents with views, wants and needs but firm boundaries (and notwithstanding any developmental or significant social issues) then chances are it will be absolutely fine.

All the “nightmare teens” I know have various degrees of home-life dysfunction and it’s pretty obvious why they have gone off the rails.

one thing I would prepare for is verbal saltiness and attacks. They think they’re the dog’s bollocks when it comes to arguing a case: they’re not, but I remember how self-righteous I felt at that age. Now I just think I was a dick!

I have three now 17-21 - all boys. There have been stresses - trying to get them to actually work for exams was pretty stressful. Worrying about them smoking weed wasn’t fun. General concern about exam results and what they’re going to do. Mostly though they’ve actually been lovely. They are so funny and interesting and generally good company. There were tantrums and freak outs and hitting walls mostly around the 13-14 mark - but in a sporadic way. Now I just worry about the time when they won’t be here!

I found my one not bad at all. Mainly, I think, because they retained their sense of humour, which we always shared.

I was aware at times I was being manipulated ( "mum, I'm in a lock in at pub. I can come his now alone and meet my deadline, or I can stay and come home with everyone else. What would you like me to do" sort of thing).

I just let it slide and thought that at least they were aware I'd be worried, while sneakily laughing at their ingenuity.

I found that the more I accepted that they were becoming their own person, and should be becoming their own person, the easier it was. That didn't mean I had to sit and watch them make mistakes. It meant, to me, that if I did see that, I'd treat them as a grown up and suggest that maybe there were other other ways to go about things that might reap better results.

now child is in their mid 50s and I live with them and their partner. And by and large, it's great, we all have a really good relationship.

I think it stems from our mutual acceptance of each other as adults back when they were a teenager.

It wasn't all plain sailing, but no part of child rearing is. Your child will be an individual, one you've watch and influenced as they've grown. So you'll know them and, hopefully, have a bond that you can strengthen during their teenage years.