My teen would rather live with his dad than contribute to bills when earning

[VividGreen]

Short overview, my 15 soon to be 16 year old intends to do apprenticeship after secondary, I'm disabled low earnings, not with his dad. I explained I would need him to contribute financially as will loose alot and not be able to support him. He wants to live with his dad instead who has a one bed flat. Any advice on how to respond to this, son refusing to discuss.

Nothing to discuss! If he’s old enough to work, earn and contribute, he’s old enough to decide where he lives.

At his age it’s up to him but sharing a one bed flat won’t be comfortable so he’s probably just trying to blackmail you into changing your mind about him contributing. How do your finances look if he moves out? Does he currently stay at his dad’s? Does his dad pay maintenance? Does his dad want him full time?

Have you explained to him clearly how benefits are tied to household income, therefore the system expects him to be contributing towards the cost of running the house?

Otherwise, as the first post says, there is nothing much else to discuss and his choice to leave if he doesn't want to contribute.

This! If he wants to move out, let him.

If you won't be able to support him, is it not for the best?
Would you have to pay the father maintenance?

I’d help him pack.

I think it's his choice tbh. If his dad is offering him a place to live rent-free, then it's hardly surprising that he wants to take advantage of that. I do understand that it's upsetting for you, given that you can't afford to do the same, but it's a logical decision from your ds's point of view. I'm sure that you will still see plenty of him.

I do understand how much you will lose as have been there myself, but he won’t be earning much at all.It might be that it’s not that great at Dads once the novelty wears off and he might think again.
How much as a percentage of what he will earn are you expecting him to contribute?

As we say in Ireland…let him on. He’s old enough to decide himself.

I don’t really think there’s anything you can say. You’ve laid out the law around what you expect from him if he stays, and he doesn’t want to stay.

I would make it clear about any changes you’ll have to make impacting him - for instance him needing to take all his stuff with him so you can let out the room/downsize, and it not being as easy as ‘I’ll just move back with mum’ if things go south.

I doubt he’ll be earning much at all as an apprentice. How much are you expecting him to help you financially?

if he goes to his dads. What is your plan then? Can you afford to support yourself?

Tell him cheerfully that it’s fine for him to go and that you will rent out his room to a lodger

Blackmailing you into giving him a free ride once earning when you have no means to do so is shitty behaviour. Time to call his bluff

Besides, will his dad even agree to sharing his one bed with a petulant teen?

Would they expect a 16 yo on an apprenticeship to be contributing to the household finances?

@VividGreen I don't know how your benefits will be impacted by him m, at 16, doing an apprenticeship 🙅🏻‍♀️or what he'll be earning. But if there's an impact you can't afford & he has enough wages to make that up, he should.

However, how much 'out of control' is he. Is he always so disrespectful is he to refuse to discuss it?

maybe just saying 'Fine, go live with your Dsd' would begged best option.

My ds thinks he will be earning 14 K a Yr, after tax an ni , so I would ask for 250 a month so I could make ends meet. Ds has become disrespectful, generally a lovely lad tho. He literally won't discuss it. He sees his dad once a fortnight, recently had a week with him, I posted before bout a golf tour , ds went on his own no parent an I only found out last minute , arguments ensued as ds didn't think I had a right to know, or where staying, who responsible for him etc as was time with his dad. Ds hasn't spoke to his dad yet, he pays maintenance, only after court enforced. I wouldn't as apprenticeship not considered further education benefit wise. I live in 3 bed and would downsize to a 1 bed as wd have btax on 2 rooms. Ds planning his Christmas gift so not thought bout where his stuff wd go. It's upsetting and struggle with the disrespect.

Sounds tough. I do think taking money from a sixteen year old is a bit harsh to be honest. It isn’t as if he’s mid twenties and earning a reasonable salary; it’s a tiny amount.

My ds is aware an understands what benefits I will loose and that wd need to contribute, I asked if he didn't want to contribute, his response was anger and saying its too big a question an conversation is over.

If he hasn't even spoken to his dad yet, it may all be pie in the sky. If his dad only has a one bedroom flat, who's to say that he will want your ds living with him?

I think you need to make it clear that you will downsize if he goes, so he will need to clear out all of his stuff and understand that there won't be an option of coming back of he decides that living with his dad isn't working.

You don’t have a choice tbh. He either needs to contribute or move out.

I would tell him that it sounds like living with his Dad sounds a great idea as then you can downsize.

Perhaps now is the time to try and move to a 2 bed anyway to save and then to a 1 bed if he does actually move out?

Pretty much this.

He is old enough to work and decide where he lives.

However I have a feeling being stuck in a one bed flat with his dad will get old fast...

I’m not sure I would expect my 15 year old to contribute much to bills, lost benefits or not, but I would expect him to start picking up some of his own costs. I think there is a difference between paying rent and paying for your own food, bus fare, mobile data, etc.

But if that is what he would prefer and your ex is in agreement, off he goes. Everything in life is a trade off. He is about to experience one.

A post of privilege there. You are assuming that the OP has the luxury of being able to survive without a payment of rent for the additional bedroom she has to provide if he stays

Does his Dad actually want him to move in?

My ds is 15 now, he will be nearing 17 when starting apprenticeship, wd be 18% of his earnings toward food, gas electric, btax etc.

Your DS sounds immature and (sorry to say it, but...) a little bit simple. He hasn't even asked his Dad - who doesn't have a spare room for him - if he can stay? Does he expect to sleep on the couch? Where will he put his stuff? What if his Dad says no? He might not want to ask that question if he's not going to like the answer.

There's not really much you can do other than letting him get on with it. If/when his dad says no, show him how much a room/flat will cost him, plus bills, plus all his own food.

I'm sure he'll suddenly find your offer of 250 a month quite reasonable.

You’ll be losing a lot from child benefit and UC but a child won’t understand that or the need to help contribute.