My teen would rather live with his dad than contribute to bills when earning

[VividGreen]

Short overview, my 15 soon to be 16 year old intends to do apprenticeship after secondary, I'm disabled low earnings, not with his dad. I explained I would need him to contribute financially as will loose alot and not be able to support him. He wants to live with his dad instead who has a one bed flat. Any advice on how to respond to this, son refusing to discuss.

OP has already stated this though. When her son leaves home, she will downsize to a 1 bedroom which will save her a significant amount.

She has planned. If he can't/won't contribute she will downsize.

But he doesn't get to reduce her income, spend all his money on fun stuff, and not make up the difference.

If he chooses to stay in education it's no problem. But if he's earning then he contributes.

You’ve explained why he needs to contribute and he’s choosing to move out. As long as he understands this will mean you downsizing, leave him to it. There is nothing else you can do.

He can move to his Dad’s or a flat share. Let him get on with it if he thinks he doesn’t need to contribute to living costs.

One of my DDs moved back a year after Uni due to burn out. She contributes to groceries. Her sister may need to move back too and has said she’ll cover the extra costs. Basically, adults- I know your DS is 16 not 18 yet- need to pay their way in one way or another.

A year is a long time when you're fifteen. My year prior to my CSEs (I'm of that generation) was spent revising and establishing what came next. At the beginning of the year, I was going to college to get a vocational qualification. It didn't come off (a good thing too) and by Easter, I had an interview with the principal of a local FE college who offered me a place to gain further academic qualifications, subject to my exam results. Things can turn on a dime when you're a teenager. @VividGreen what your DS thinks and says now is not a reliable guide to what he'll want six months down the line, let alone a year. Having said that, sitting him down with a cup of tea, a notepad, and a list of pros, cons and other consequences may help to concentrate his mind. Neither of my possible options would have led to me losing the thing I prized the most - my own room. Does he really want you to have to take a step that could mean that?

This is a conversation for down the line, you’ve told him what you expect, up to him what he does now.

As an aside though have you actually checked to see how much you would be losing by him earning 14k as it likely isn’t as much as you would expect?

To be honest if I was OP and she really had no choice. I would say to him he can stay home as long as he buys and pay for his own food. That means that OP will only have to pay for her own food. Or he could decide to give her half of full budget.
I would ask him for half of the electricity bill etc when it comes in each month.
I assume that OP I won’t be buying him clothes anymore, so again that’s saving money in a way.

😂 I love how some posters seem to be able to work out the exact details of someone’s shortfall with precisely zero information

none of us have the remotest idea how much of a budget deficit there is. It’s ridiculous to suggest you have solved the problem with a few random suggestions based on thin air

Thank you! Some sense.

Most parents on here and going on about paying £1000's for Uni to support their kids, but now expect a 16/17yr old to pay rent.

Typical Mumsnet.

OP as difficult as it may be/ feel, now is the time to fully review your financial situation. Whether your DS is going to be working or moving out now or in 12 months, you know that your financial situation will be changing soon.
Downsizing your home seems to he pretty high up your list of future planning, and reviewing whether you could increase working hours or get back to some form of work (you are allowed to earn up to £195 a week on ESS LCW group if thats your situation) and your UC claim will not be reduced by that full amount so you will be better off).
I do appreciate being disabled makes working more of a challenge but for most people brings positives in terms of mental health as well as financial.
i say that as someone who has a life limiting illness myself so not underestimating the challenges.

I wouldn't be able to afford £1000s on uni costs, and I doubt the OP could either.

It is a bit worrying that you can't see the difference between most posters, and this particular poster.

There are all too many families on benefits, and it is concerning that better off families assume everyone is as privileged as they are.

It wd b a small portion of his earnings, I did not plan to b a single parent, to be beaten and have to move out , to then keep a family home all be it council property as my my mum died from terminal cancer needed caring for even tho disabled myself, for the father to give up a 2 bed house he cd easily afford no matter how much I encouraged him to keep it for the future of his ds. None of this is my ds fault I know.BUT IT'S THE LIFE I HAVE,through no fault of my own and have done my best, has 3 grand for driving lessons an first car, always had everything he needed. This forum is for support not critism.

Its almost as if not all MNers are the same! I couldn't have afforded to spend thousands supporting my DC through uni, although would have encouraged them to go if they'd wanted to.

Well, quite.
If the son is deemed an adult by the benefits system, then as an adult, he should make a contribution.
In what world is it okay for an earning young person to not even consider their financial obligations and expect either their mum to pay or think it is reasonable to suggest moving in with dad so he doesn’t pay? Come on.
if either of my DC behaved like that, I would be reading them the riot act. I am a single parent and not on any benefits but believe me, it gets wearing being the person paying for and doing everything!
I would expect a sensible discussion about how much would be saved, how much would be for their disposable income and how much could be contributed. This is not unreasonable.

I don't really understand why you're trying to force this issue now when the apprenticeship is over a year away. Give him time to come round.

Off he pops then, hope he enjoys sharing a one bed flat with his dad,

Hadnt realised that. A bit much to warn of what he'll be paying over a year in advance. Anything can happen.

He's 15 at least let him finish school and start work before you inform him of your charges.

Not saying you shouldn't charge him but so early is a bit much.

Is it possible he might just want to live with his dad anyway?

Please don’t take all the clueless comments to heart, some people just have no empathy. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Maybe you could rephrase your request rather than asking for board tell him he has to buy his own food, phone etc and contribute to the electricity etc he uses? Maybe he’d see that as supporting himself instead of helping you. Teenagers are selfish beings, sometimes you just have to play them at their own game!