My teen would rather live with his dad than contribute to bills when earning

[VividGreen]

Short overview, my 15 soon to be 16 year old intends to do apprenticeship after secondary, I'm disabled low earnings, not with his dad. I explained I would need him to contribute financially as will loose alot and not be able to support him. He wants to live with his dad instead who has a one bed flat. Any advice on how to respond to this, son refusing to discuss.

I’d keep quiet on the subject short term then personally. When my boys were teens contentious issues were often dealt with best by giving them some space to mull things over and coming back to it after the heat had gone out of the situation

So in a year's time? Still has GCSEs to take?

Let him grow up for the year and re-address the matter then.

Does he have an actual apprenticeship? They are often very competitive and hard to get.

Let him go to his dad’s and experience the reality of what life will be like in a one bedroom flat.

For the people aghast that you would take money from ds- apprenticeships attract a wage so benefits like child benefit etc stop. While it’s good that you don’t need money from your kids, not everyone is lucky enough to be in that situation.

I don’t think children should be made to make up the difference in what you have lost in benefits. You knew this would happen eventually and should have planned accordingly. But maybe charge a reasonable amount of housekeeping

He’s just going into year 11? This wasn’t time for that conversation maybe?

Does he actually have this apprenticeship lined up?

It sounds like he will need to pay for his own clothing, socialising , travel, driving lessons etc . An apprentice wage isn't going to go far. It probably does make more financial sense for him to move to his dad's and keep his apprenticeship money to pay for the above things.

I agree entirely, it’s not their fault in any way shape or form, and it’s not their job to make up the difference In income it’s the parents!

Lay it out for him calmly. Assume he’ll be moving and give him the green light (probably won’t though, when his dad realises) Ask him has he thought of what he’d do if it doesn’t work out and you’ve had to downsize, as as you won’t have any choice. Tell him you’ll wait a month or so before putting the motion of moving into action but after that, there will be no coming back. Then leave it up to him.

Chances are his dad won’t have him for free either, as it will be pricy to move to a bigger flat. If he moves into the one bed, it won’t be long before he’ll be back if they are squashed in a one bed flat.

Trouble is, the system views him as an adult not a child once employed. And if the only way to plan for it is to either downsize or charge the ‘adult’ rent, then the OP is a bit screwed isn’t she?
The system sucks and should have some sort of sliding scale imo but we are where we are

I think you need to come up with a way to increase your own income tbh.

I'm surprised so many people expect a child to pay the household bills. As a parent your job is to provide for your child. If you can't or won't do that it's not surprising he would prefer to live with the parent who can.

If he's old enough to pay you rent then he is surely old enough to have a say in where he lives? Has actually clarified his dad will have him?

I do think taking money off a 16 year old is quite extreme but I don't have experience of your situation

I teach apprentices and they love discussing what they have to pay out and comparing so I know many are not asked to contribute but many DO. Recently one said she pays £50 weekly as her mum is a single parent swith 3 younger kids, and she wanted to help her mum. Others varied but I have charged my son £200 a month whilst he has been doing a work place from uni as no one lives for free in the real world. I would love to only have to pay a bit of board money as I am sure you would! Perhaps his Dad WILL want a contribution too, but can't see his dad cooking and cleaning up after him like we do, probably a recipe for disaster but let him find out for himself.🙂

Sounds like might need to plan to sit down with the three of you together and do some planning.

With no outrage, or point scoring, or comments about behaviour. Bog standard, calm, grown up planning.

With options. He stays with you, you stay where you are, these benefits drop and the bills are x so this needs to be topped up from his income. He stays with his dad. Dad lays out what that looks like. You move. Etc.

It isn't unreasonable for the OP to ask for a contribution from her DS if she can't afford to support him without one. Her benefits will reduce as a direct result of his earnings, so there is a clear expectation from the state that he will contribute to his living costs. That expectation would not be the same if he was staying in full time education.

Equally, it isn't unreasonable for the DS to want to live rent-free if that is an option for him. That's a perfectly rational thing to want to do.

What is unreasonable, imo, is announcing that he is going to move into his dad's one bedroom flat and live rent-free without making any contribution to his living costs when it appears that he hasn't even asked whether his dad is happy to go along with this plan.

I suspect that he may have a rude awakening when he outlines the plan to his dad. And I very much doubt that he will be going anywhere.

sorry I don’t think you should be charging anyone rent at that age. He should pay for his own stuff like phone etc but from what I understand, apprenticeships are kind of geared with the understanding that they will live at home and have lower living costs due to the low salary.

You still have time before he starts so I’d look into downsizing to a 2 bed to start saving money so that if he does move, it won’t hit you as hard?

Those saying just charge a reasonable amount for housekeeping isn't that what the op is doing. With a working teen i doubt the amount she's talking about taking would even cover his food.

The point is that he won't be treated as a child by the benefits system. They treat him as an earning adult. If the OP is on a low income because of her disability, what do you expect her to do? We don't know if the dad is willing or able to support his son either.

I would never charge my dd rent, personally, because I'm in the privileged position of not needing to. It's very easy to stand in judgement when you can just dip your hand in your pocket. Try to understand that it isn't like that for everyone.

’ok, then, door’s open if you change your mind or want to pop in’

What is it that people are not understanding? The OP doesn’t have a choice. Son either pays his way or she has to downsize and he loses his room. I’m sure she would love the luxury of keeping him for nothing but a lot of people don’t have that. Is there really any need to rub that in?

And yet the benefits system is geared towards children who are earning being able to pay their way.

Realistically, the DS will still be benefitting from lower living costs as a result of living at home. Could you pay rent/food/utilities etc with £250 per month? I know I couldn't.

This isn't about whether or not the OP wants to support her DS financially. She can't afford not to ask him for a contribution. That isn't her fault.

But op knew this was going to happen.

Also what is op expecting to do when he moves out?

But what I have said and I think others agree is she should have planned accordingly for her benefits ending.