My teen would rather live with his dad than contribute to bills when earning

[VividGreen]

Short overview, my 15 soon to be 16 year old intends to do apprenticeship after secondary, I'm disabled low earnings, not with his dad. I explained I would need him to contribute financially as will loose alot and not be able to support him. He wants to live with his dad instead who has a one bed flat. Any advice on how to respond to this, son refusing to discuss.

Her benefits wouldn't reduce if he was staying in FT education.

They will reduce when he is earning a salary because there is an expectation that he will use his earnings to contribute towards his living costs.

To downsize to a one bedroom.

I know my son would do anything he could do to help as would my youngest. Older dd would be outraged at any suggestion. Needs must though. You either stay in education or enter the real world.

Op is hardly going to be raking it in from her ds!

So he’s about to go into year 11 and this would be starting the following year , year 12? Has he got the apprenticeship confirmed yet or is this just something he’s planning on applying for?

You don’t need to do anything yet. You’ve set out your stall. Give it a couple of months and suggest he applies for college as well as planning to get an apprenticeship as he has to do something after year 11 and having a college place he can turn down once his apprenticeship is sorted is better than having nothing sorted if the apprenticeship isn’t ready for September.

Then once he’s got to the far side of GCSEs, remind him you won’t be able to get benefits for him if he’s not in full time education so you’ll need to charge him some board to make up the difference if he’s going to stay with you. He can talk with his dad about moving in with him at that point if they think it’s better.

But this is a year away. A lot can happen in between.

You need to explain clearly

• £250 a month will barely cover his food & bills (my 17yo eats £120 a month and I'm very careful)
• If he leaves, you will have to downsize and there will be no going back.
• What if his dad then asks him to leave? A single room in most towns is at least £500.
• Sleeping on his dad's sitting room floor is not a long term solution.
• What if he or his dad get a girlfriend? He needs his own room.

Your son needs a reality check. He needs to grow up, fast !

@VividGreen type absolutely got my sympathies! I'm in a similar boat. Haven't been able to work for a few years for MH reasons, but wasn't "ill enough" to get any LCWRA/PIP.
I've got the unfortunate double whammy of DS1 turning 21, so I lost £95 from my housing element, and DS2 leaving full time education so all child related benefits have stopped. My UC has decreased by about £500 this month!

DS1 pays £400 rent, he's already said he can put it up if needed.
DS2 is on UC, waiting for a health assessment but is going to pay £200. So I'm actually £300 down.

I've got a part time job due to start which will help. Im hoping to build up to full-time ASAP.

I knew this would happen, but didnt plan for a total breakdown and inability to work.

I'm so so glad we have the safety net of UC. But right now I'm scared about the future (which isn't helping the MH!)

Why are people saying a 15yr old child sounds 'simple', is entitled and needs to grow up?

The lack of empathy in some of these replies is shocking.

For those saying OP knew this was going to happen, I doubt she did. She probably expected her son to stay in full time education until he was 18, which wouldn't impact her benefits.

But even if she did know, how exactly was she meant to "prepare"? I imagine her benefits aren't enough for her to save a substantial amount, but even if they were, once you have savings above 6k your benefits decrease. OP is disabled, she can't just "increase her income".

If OP's son isn't staying in education, she will also lose child maintenance from her son's father. I'm sure OP would love to have her son living with her rent free, but she can't pull money out of her arse.

Because at 15, he is perfectly capable of understanding the maths. Also of knowing that his dad's sitting room floor is not a realistic long term solution.

I’m lucky enough to not need DS’s contribution from his 3-year apprenticeship he started at 18. But I think all adult DC living at home should appreciate the cost of living and get used to the fact that a proportion of their income will always need to be spent on essentials, rather than fun. So I take some of his salary. He doesn’t know that I’m saving it for him so he can use it as a deposit (rent or buy) for his own place when he’s ready. I’ve also shown him how to budget, encouraged him to save and he buys his own snacks etc (he gets a hot meal if he’s at home for free but otherwise is self sustaining).

To be honest though, if I’d had a conversation with him about this at 15, he just wouldn’t have got it. They grow up a lot between 15 and 18, so maybe wait until his GCSEs are sat before revisiting?

Is he? A 15yr old probably doesn't know about bills and housing costs. It's about a potential choice he'll be making when he's 17, anyway.

I think it's sad that this kid doesn't have a parent that can provide for him until adulthood. His dad by the sounds of it doesn't even have a room for him. I can see why he'd be upset by the whole situation, he's a child working to help pay the bills when he really needs to be saving for his own future.

Agree. I suspect ds doesn't want to be seen as an income stream. This is the only way he can protest that.

a 16 yo with 14k a year in his pocket and no real responsibilities is going to end up with a completely skewed view of budgeting. A parent who doesn’t charge him rent either by necessity or simply to set aside into a savings account isn’t doing him any favors. He should also have a target savings level every month.

yes, his hard work should earn him a bit of fun, but he should also have a parent in his life teaching him to use this golden opportunity to learn to budget and save more easily than any other time in his life.

if he wants to go live with an irresponsible parent, you should feel no guilt.

I'm sure it would be helpful if you could explain to the OP how she can plan in order to continue to financially support her son once he is a working adult.

Bear in mind that she is disabled and most likely does not have the ability to augment or supplement her income in the way that many of us do.

I'm sure your suggestions for mitigating her loss of benefits and child maintenance will be appreciated.

i think the real problem is his disrespect to you. I am not well equipped to tell you how to turn around a disrespectful teenager. Maybe it’s the teenage years, maybe it’s something more.

Maybe try to talk to him once again without mentioning money.

Do you have any other source of income? Can you get a lodger?

Sounds like a problem for his Dad then!

Seriously, a lot can change in a year, I would just make sure he knows that if he says at home he contributes to his own living expenses. He isn't supporting you, £250 won't cover his costs, it would cost far more for him to be in a house share.

If he wants to go to his Dad's and his Dad agrees that's fine. It is up to his Dad what contribution he has to make, but you will look for a one bed once he moves out so he needs to understand it may not be a reversible decision.

I'd also point out that if he stays in full time education he'd not need to pay his keep as you would still get CB etc to fund this. It is his decision, he has choices.

Don't push him for decisions or commitments until he has done his GCSEs though. He may well realise that you aren't unreasonable in a years time.

Tell him he needs to discuss with his Dad over the next ten days and give you a date when he's moving in with dad so you can inform who you need to.

Poor lad, just starting out on the lowest income and faced with having to give up his earnings with one parent or live with another in cramped accommodation.

All this should have been planned for as he was growing up.

I think him moving to his dad’s is the best thing and his father help work out the best way to accommodate the pair of them in his flat or perhaps he may be able to move into a two bedroom flat in the future.

Will his dad not expect a bit of a contribution towards bills and food?

As many, many others have said, ‘let him get on with it’.

How should it have been planned for? I really wish that the people who keep saying this would explain, because I just don't understand how someone who is disabled and on low earnings is supposed to plan to increase their income to cover the loss of hundreds of pounds a month.

Perhaps the father should have planned better too, by getting a two bedroom flat, not just one?

14K is a good income for someone living at home.
I'd hope my kids would be happy to contribute something to running the household if I was disabled and struggling.

Can I ask how you would have planned to avoid this?

This. Write him an email or text if he doesn’t want to talk. Maybe when he calms down he will have a look.

While I agree tone of some posters is a bit harsh, at some point son will leave. Maybe 5 years from now, so posters are trying to tell op she can’t rely on him and to think/plan what she would do then.

I was thinking this. His focus should be gcse year. The discussion about contributions if/ when he starts an apprenticeship didn't even need to happen until end of next June. He may feel differently in a year. May even decide to stay in school , go to college.

She's already said she would downsize.

When my kids leave my food budget will go down massively - it's not the same to lose benefits but still have someone living/eating in the house.