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Original poster

Awful stepkids

45 replies

Burntoutandlonely · 21/08/2025 11:37

Hi this is a long one, been with my husband 10 years living together seven and married a year. Since we got together his two daughters have treated me appallingly, to point they wouldn’t see him because he was with me I assume parent alienation from mother was at work. I have been called names pushed lied about ignored etc etc, they are now adults and don’t come often to visit but my husband drops these visits on me with a days notice knowing I get anxious about them and will lie about how long they will stay! Then he wonders why I get upset at him he then blames me saying I don’t want them here etc when that’s not the issue at all it’s the fact I haven’t had time to get my head around it, when he s been arranging it with them for weeks . I ve been quite ill lately and stress makes me worse. Anyway daughter arrived said hello and since then I ve been completely ignored by both of them, I’m expected to clean up and cook for them I get a thank you and that’s it no other interaction. At all I feel like an outsider in my own house, it’s affecting my mental health, I have given these girls so many chances over the years and everytime they do something else like causing family rows, made us split up for weeks prior to this and he promised this wouldn’t happen again but here we are, they are disrespectful rude go through our stuff, take things that don’t belong to them, both stand in kitchen chatting excluding me from everything, I ve never felt so lonely in my own home I don’t know what to do at this point I don’t feel like I even want to be with him anymore if he can treat me and allow me to be treated this way, it’s just sad because when they’re not around he s amazing and we have the best relationship, it’s like he s scared to say no or say anything they d disagree with to the point of it being weird.

OP posts:
EvenMoreCrisps · 21/08/2025 11:42

He shouldn't have continued a relationship for so long when it was making you and his kids miserable, that was really cruel on his part.

Why are you expected to cook and clean for the women? Opt out entirely.

Does this marriage really serve you and enhance your life? You could be enjoying life.

CandidOP · 21/08/2025 11:44

I don’t have stepkids but I can’t quite understand why you would carry on hosting these unpleasant visitors, cooking and cleaning for them etc. why don’t you simply remove yourself from the situation by booking a b and b or something as soon as you know they are coming? Then they can cook and clean for themselves and you can go away and have a jolly nice break. Alternatively insist that they and your husband go away together. Surely less stressful for everyone concerned?

FTM09q24 · 21/08/2025 17:37

Not your job to cook and clean for them.

I would prioritise a relationship with my children over my spouse. Not sure why you continued a relationship with a man whose children don't like you but that's done now.

You need to decide whether you can put up with it going forward, knowing it will get even worse once grandchildren come along and you will be pushed out even more.

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OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 21/08/2025 17:45

Tell him you’re checking into a hotel the next time they come.

You don’t have to put up with this.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/08/2025 18:03

Go out. Don't cook or clean.
You don't have to mix with people you don't like. It's awkward because it's in your own home, but you can tell DH that as he's not willing or able to support you when they are around, you'll prefer to do your own thing.
You don't have to make a big deal out of it ( they would love you to slam out, painting you as the bad guy) just say hi, and then take yourself off with a smile. If you've got valuables you are worried about, tell DH and then lock them away.

Hiptothisjive · 21/08/2025 18:07

If they don’t come that often then it really isn’t their visits and it’s about your husband trying to maintain a relationship with his daughters when they clearly don’t like you (not saying that is justified) and putting up with their behaviour.

Don’t be the martyr. Seriously. Don’t clean the house, don’t cook, don’t clean and don’t be there. Very easy.

Jossse · 21/08/2025 18:16

I agree. It’s time for some you time when they come. Lock away all your private things and go away for some TLC time. They’re not your children and don’t want to be. Remove yourself and you will not suffer. Good luck, happiness is just around the corner

healthybychristmas · 22/08/2025 06:33

I can absolutely understand people saying go out and stay in a hotel and so on, but the question is why you want to stay with a man like this. He's absolutely awful! That isn't how normal people behave and I'm talking about him not them. They are obviously awful as well but he is letting this happen. The reason you are a bag of nerves is because of him. I would get the hell out of there.

healthybychristmas · 22/08/2025 06:33

Sorry, repeated post.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/08/2025 06:49

STEP parenting sucks no matter the age and your DH isn’t helping.

A few things … they are his kids do you really need that much notice it’s their dads home they should be able to visit at anytime… however, them saying hello and nothing else is fing rude…. Why did you marry a man that won’t stand up for you

no more cooking and cleaning for them … this probably won’t get better

BusWankers · 22/08/2025 06:53

Just fuck off somewhere for the night, visit your own parents, a cousin, friends, a hotel... and leave them to it.

Aldilidl · 22/08/2025 07:06

I’m an adult “child” who technically has a “stepmother”.

im not interested in her beyond a polite hello. I don’t care about her. I will never see her as a stepmother type person.

I go to see my father - it’s a visit to see him, not her. I don’t want to see her she’s nothing to me. I am polite and civil to her, but that’s all.

it’s not my problem if she feels she has to cook or clean for me coming. That’s on her. I’d quite happily take my dad out and about but he likes us to be in his home. He wants the relaxed family time with us. And now my kids are older he wants the time with them and his great grandchildren too.

I stand in the kitchen and talk to him.

I don’t know what you mean by go through your joint stuff - i know where things are in my former family home and I help myself to a tea towel or a bag of crisps or get more loo roll if it’s needed.

I know my kids also find his wife irrelevant. They go to visit him. I’ve never stopped them going to see their grandpa, in point of fact I’ve encouraged it. I’m sure they are polite and civil to her on the visits where I’m not there (which they do on their schedules not mine! They’re all adults and at work so they organise trips by themselves.).

I don’t expect my kids to fawn over my partner. I expect them to be polite and say thanks. Be civil. Why does it have to be more?

I also expect them to treat this house as their home and if they want something to go and get it.

I wouldn’t be with my partner if he had any kind of issue with my relationship with my (adult) kids.

Ooodelally · 22/08/2025 07:13

Sounds like you have an awful husband to me…

Notfairisit · 22/08/2025 07:31

Did you move into his house, or is this a new house you bought together?

MellowPinkDeer · 22/08/2025 07:37

I have no idea why you married him after knowing all this. Just take yourself out of the situation and let them get on with it.

BlindNoise · 22/08/2025 07:45

I’m so sorry to read your situation.
Mine was so similar in lots of ways and it makes life quite unbearable. Especially down to the lying about when they were coming and for how long.

My Mental and physical health were in tatters. I had to make a big decision and I moved out. I couldn’t cope anymore and as much as I still loved DH I couldn’t bear to deal with the awful living arrangements anymore.

These situations are not good for anyone involved and I hope the main perpetrator of the difficulties (the ex wife) hangs her head in shame for the rest of her life - she won’t because she’s a c*!

I don’t have a magic solution but just know you’re not alone and there are others out there who know exactly how you feel.

Bellyblueboy · 22/08/2025 08:05

why are you cooking for them??

in your shoes I would be clear with my husband - anytime these women arrive at the house, I will book myself into a nice local hotel and leave him to it.

its unrealistic to expect him to have no relationship with his children, however it is also unacceptable for you to be treated like this in your own home.

they arrive, you leave. You have a comfortable stay in a nice hotel (as his expense!) and you return to a clean home once they leave and he has cleaned up (and replaced anything of yours they have taken).

Absentmindedsmile · 22/08/2025 08:23

Them: I suppose they see you as the reason their parents aren’t together any more. Why on earth would they want you in their lives. They probably hate you.

Him: Loves his kids above all else. Doesn’t want to rock the boat. Doesn’t support you because his kids are more important (at least these days, what happened 11years ago?)

You: Trying your best to acquiesce, in a situation which will only get worse. It’s horrible and stressful to have to live with.

Not sure what the best advice is. Obviously apart from separating and finding someone who can put you first, stop any cooking / cleaning / anything for any of them. That’s your husbands job or their job. Who cares it’s not yours. Apart from that You’ll probably just have to accept a shit situation because that’s what happens, often inevitably, in ‘blended families’.

Betsy95 · 22/08/2025 08:34

Gish this sounds tricky. I think step parenting is super hard (I couldn’t do it for similar reasons)

I think as a bare minimum of they are coming to your house they should have basic manners and politeness. So ignoring or excluding you isn’t okay and he should really be picking them up on this.

I do think your part is to continue to be cordial, however I agree with everyone else in so far as if your efforts to cook, tidy up after them etc aren’t appreciated just don’t do it.

BunnyRuddington · 22/08/2025 08:52

I really feel for you. Whatever the reason for the split in their DPs relationship they are adults now and should be behaving appropriately.

I think it’s time for another talk with your DH. He knows the visits make you anxious but is probably worried about not seeing his DD’s again.

Could you talk through that you know he’s probably not giving you much notice because he thinks that helps but it’s actually making things worse for you?

Also talk about how you feel resentful catering for them when you’re not included in any of their discussions or activities and suggest he goes out with them for a at least sone of the day and either ways out or they get a takeaway and he does the clearing up.

I think its clear you love him, otherwise you would have walked away a long time ago but if you have a discussion with him about how you feel and what you expect from now on you’ll see from his reaction whether it’s worth you staying any longer.

Aldilidl · 22/08/2025 08:55

Why are you trying to parent adults is the thing that jumps out at me too.

Cherryrac · 22/08/2025 08:59

He shouldn't have continued a relationship for so long when it was making you and his kids miserable, that was really cruel on his part.

Yes, a man who prioritises himself over his children and then when it suits prioritises them over you probably doesnt have a backbone and/or is just completely selfish. Can see why this is tricky OP, i actually dont think its wild that his children dislike you, blended families are tricky; but he needs to be managing and balancing both sets of needs here whereas it seems he is opting for what he sees as an easier life for himself.

Newgirls · 22/08/2025 09:04

Massively lower your expectations around them. Smile and nod and go out! Don’t cook. That’s his job.

I wonder why teen girl opinions matter to you? It is bringing up memories of being that age? Feeling left out sounds like you are reliving mean girls at school experiences. They’re kids and you don’t need them to like you.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2025 09:06

Your thread title is absolutely baffling, as is your story.

this is ENTIRELY on your awful husband.

it’s HIS job to clean and cook for his guests/children - not yours. I have no idea why you are ‘expected’ to do it or indeed why you would do it. Just go out.

also what an abhorrent father he was prioritising a relationship with someone who didn’t like his children over his children

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2025 09:15

BlindNoise · 22/08/2025 07:45

I’m so sorry to read your situation.
Mine was so similar in lots of ways and it makes life quite unbearable. Especially down to the lying about when they were coming and for how long.

My Mental and physical health were in tatters. I had to make a big decision and I moved out. I couldn’t cope anymore and as much as I still loved DH I couldn’t bear to deal with the awful living arrangements anymore.

These situations are not good for anyone involved and I hope the main perpetrator of the difficulties (the ex wife) hangs her head in shame for the rest of her life - she won’t because she’s a c*!

I don’t have a magic solution but just know you’re not alone and there are others out there who know exactly how you feel.

Wtaf? You know nothing about the exwife!! Nothing at all.

you have written in your own post HE lied to me. So HE was the problem. Just him. Your own husband.

you are an internalised misogynist. Constantly looking to blame other women for men’s failings.

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