Awful stepkids

[Burntoutandlonely]

Hi this is a long one, been with my husband 10 years living together seven and married a year. Since we got together his two daughters have treated me appallingly, to point they wouldn’t see him because he was with me I assume parent alienation from mother was at work. I have been called names pushed lied about ignored etc etc, they are now adults and don’t come often to visit but my husband drops these visits on me with a days notice knowing I get anxious about them and will lie about how long they will stay! Then he wonders why I get upset at him he then blames me saying I don’t want them here etc when that’s not the issue at all it’s the fact I haven’t had time to get my head around it, when he s been arranging it with them for weeks . I ve been quite ill lately and stress makes me worse. Anyway daughter arrived said hello and since then I ve been completely ignored by both of them, I’m expected to clean up and cook for them I get a thank you and that’s it no other interaction. At all I feel like an outsider in my own house, it’s affecting my mental health, I have given these girls so many chances over the years and everytime they do something else like causing family rows, made us split up for weeks prior to this and he promised this wouldn’t happen again but here we are, they are disrespectful rude go through our stuff, take things that don’t belong to them, both stand in kitchen chatting excluding me from everything, I ve never felt so lonely in my own home I don’t know what to do at this point I don’t feel like I even want to be with him anymore if he can treat me and allow me to be treated this way, it’s just sad because when they’re not around he s amazing and we have the best relationship, it’s like he s scared to say no or say anything they d disagree with to the point of it being weird.

Why do you assume parental alienation from their mother just because they had a negative reaction to their father having a new partner? No one is obliged to accept a step parent and it is up to a parent to decide how they handle that. I’m sure the other side of the story from their perspective would be very different to your own.

Either support your husband to have a relationship with his daughters that doesn’t include you, or carry on trying to force something that is obviously not wanted. Your DH is entitled to have his children visit is home, but you are not obliged to facilitate it. You don’t even need to be there. Next time your husband springs a visit on you, tell him that’s fine but that he can find your shopping trip/spa day/ whatever you would like to spend an impromptu day out doing. You need a mindset change.

My ex partner and his now wife still blame me for issues in their marriage.

they blame me for the adult kids not seeing them.

it’s all on them. But they can’t see their own behaviours.

You need to amend your title. The kids behave like they do because their father thinks it’s ok for them to treat you like that. The ex wife being the cause is extreme.
How old were the kids when you started seeing their dad? If they were like teens or older then perfectly normal not to be interested in a stepparent.
My kids have a stepmum and they are not interested in her despite her being around for over 10 years. In their case they too probably only say “hello” and “thank you” too but there is no desire from their dad to blend so it works well for everyone. When they go round to see him, she goes to see her mother and everybody is happy with that.

Your choices are to split or accept things and find new ways to cope with the visits (eg go to a hotel) Why on earth are you cleaning and cooking for this stay? Leave it to your husband to manage that kind of drudge.

I just find the fact that they are adults yet the op is asking in the parenting topic rather strange.

Op, claim your home.
Put locks on rooms that you don't want guests to rummage through. Cook your meals, be inclusive and polite but go out and keep your life on track.
Ask your husband to host his daughters, prepare beds, wash up after them end entertain them.
Thank goodness they do not impose their rudeness on you often.

Omg. Just stop? Why on earth are you cooking and cleaning for adults who treat you like that? Did you know that the more you behave like that, the worse people will treat you? 7 years.... at this point it's kinda your own fault, what are you doing letting people ignore you in your own home and then your cleaning and cooking for them? Your the one whose basically telling these fuckers that it's okay to treat you like that, coz you'll still be helpful

You think your being nice.... your not... your being a people pleasing pushover and unfortunately people have no respect for people who don't respect themselves

Only you can fix this. Stop being a pushover and find your backbone. You don't need to be shouting or raging you just need to stop arse licking people who treat you like shit

OP, if they don’t want to know you, that’s fine. It goes both ways. Why do you have any interest in them? He does need to tell you when they are coming though, so you can clear off. I wouldn’t even be around them. I’ve been in your position and oddly enough, they didn’t like it when I disappeared either, apparently they wanted me to be there for them to be able to actively ignore me. Have a lovely time in a hotel, see friends, go and see your family. He can deal with them alone; they’re his kids.

I certainly wouldn't be cooking, cleaning or hosting adult women who treat you like this.

Your husband is the problem though - he lies, hides the plans, allows them to make you unhappy in your own home then doesn't take responsibility for their needs while they visit.

I'd start keeping a budget for yourself to be able to go away when they rock up. Let them all stew together.

And consider how healthy your marriage really is.

I agree with those saything that this is completely misogynistic. This is all on the man. He decided to have a relationship with a woman his children didn't like, he chose to continue and advance the relationship even though it would damage his relationship with his children. Then he decided to blame his ex for the fact his children didn't just fall in line and now he has decided to not take anyone's feelings into consideration but his own and is arranging for his kids to come and stay without giving OP the time to arrange to be somewhere else. He is all about himself and everyone around him is suffering because of it.

I’m sorry - who are you telling me what I know and don’t know??

Op do you have kids? Can you understand things from their point of view?

They should need to give weeks notice to come and see their Dad. It doesn't sound like they are very grown up. They probably just want their dad to themselves for a while and you are t giving them that. Just leave them too it.

They’re using you and bullying you as clearly you are hospitable and, despite their bad behaviour, you still cook and clean for them. Like all bullies, they’ll just carry on taking advantage of that.

Next time your husband says they’re coming, frankly I would say to him well can you get the guestroom ready and what are you going to feed them? Or, let me know which restaurant you’re going to (before bailing out due to feeling ill)

but definitely stop being their slave

How are they using and bulling her? They are just not interested in her. They are polite and have obviously made the choice to be civil but not engage beyond that which is fine. They are there to see their Dad, not OP.

The fact the OP wants approval from them that they don’t want to give does not make them bullies. Bullies go out of their way to be unkind. The step children in this situation are just seeing their Dad and it was not their choice to have a step parent.

Whose house are you living in? Your husband’s and his children’s childhood home?

I’m expected to clean up and cook for them

By who?! Stop this immediately.

Did you not read the OP?

I have been called names pushed lied about ignored

She’s been called names, physically pushed (!), lied about and ignored.

I get you’re either a step child or your kids are, but don’t pretend they’re not vile to her.

Yes I did read the OP, and it says she has been with this man ten years and that they are now adults, suggesting that they haven’t been adults for the entirety of the relationship. Without any context of the pushing or name calling or lying or ignoring, it’s reasonable to think that at least some of this might have occurred while they were still troubled teenagers struggling with the new family dynamics.

Bullying assumes that both parties at least equal status, or an imbalance of power in favour of the accused ‘bully’. It can not be bullying when it is from a child who has no control over the situation towards an adult who has full control over what they choose to do.

Yes I was a step child who hated the expectations that were put on me by the detrimental choices made by a parent, that is why I can recognise that there can be two very different sides to the same story. As adults, the step daughters have made the choice to be polite and civil so that they can have a relationship with their father, but not to engage any further than that. There will be reasons for that. Their choice is not awful, it is valid and it is fine.

They and OP would probably enjoy these visit days much more if the man in the situation didn’t force them together because he can’t be bothered to host his children properly himself.

I wouldn't assume parental alienation. Lots of kids hate the idea of their parent's new partner. But they are adults and dicks. Tell your husband that you will not be disrespected in your own house so if they won't be civil, he meets them outside the house. Or, take nothing to do with their visits especially any preparations/ cooking/ cleaning.

I would go and visit my own children usually but they have been caught going through personal belongings in our room and the house so don’t feel comfortable leaving now. Thankfully they only come once or twice a year, I cook and clean for hubby s sake as I do try to make things better and we hate arguing over it, I know he misses them and I want him to have a relationship with them, daughter s here at min and has spoken maybe three words to me in five days, I have spoken to him and said in future he will have to see them elsewhere as I can’t do this anymore this visit has been awful and it’s only one of them here, !!

I don’t try and parent I leave that to him, I just want peace and a bit of respect from them, I find being ignored very hurtful I try so hard and yes hubby is trrrified if he calls them out on the shitty behaviour they ll stop seeing him they ve done this before to him, prior to me meeting him he d been split from his ex years before we met, when they were younger we got on fine and then one day they just blatantly turned round and said they hate me, dad tried to figure out what changed asked them and they said it was because I bought them presents, obv worst thing they could say about me, apart from this once twice yearly visit we have an amazing relationship, he actually saw first hand some of the nastiness from daughter this morning and is planning on speaking to her