Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

If it is out of character I would say something is obviously going on that you need to get to the bottom of. I would let her calm down and let her know that you are worried that something serious may have happened to her to make her act in a way that is so out of character. Reassure her that while you are very shocked and upset you want to work through it with her and solve any problem she might have.

lots of kids getting bullied through their phones in their bedrooms so it is not necessarily something that happened in town, however there could have been a continuation there.

It sounds like you are not considering it all, but don’t listen to posters suggesting the police for gods sake.

Shes struggling with something. Happy teens arent this disregulated. I was an unhappy teen. Something is up. Don't push her away at this stage. Try and give her a safe space to tell you in confidence or suggest that she tells someone at least.

This is not the thread to show your hatred of step-mums. OP has been beyond kind and lovely to her DSD.

Honestly I do believe it is my role to sometimes parent her. She lives here full time so there is no mother parenting her, I’m married to her father and have had two children with him, we are a family.

I don’t think there is another family member who she would be more comfortable with than with me, she’s safe in her bedroom and I wouldn’t want to push her out while she’s this distressed. I’m now calm enough to cope with her

Give over. It’s obviously bad but isolated and calling the police is going to damage the relationship irreparably.

This is good advise !!!

Not pushing her out, offering, Like, “I know you’re upset and can’t talk to me, do you want me to get Auntie Lisa over?”

My DD has already identified trusted adults she would share with if it was hard to talk to DH and me. Old SW so we’ve had these chats.

I would talk to her through the door saying no matter what has happened attacking you is not acceptable.
you want her to know that you love her, can tell something has upset her and that you’d like to help her if and when she feels ready.
you’d like her to come downstairs to eat something at the table and say good night when she does to bed. Tell her you’d love to give her a hug and you can just sit together quietly if she wants to.
you absolutely need her to know hitting you is not on bit you still love her and want to help her.

@Bigearringsbigsmile
Don't be so ridiculous . She is still a child.

It sounds like a combination of hormones and some social problem. If she turns out to have pmt, period pains, etc. acupuncture is brilliant

My heart actually breaks for both of you. Hormones can be horrific for girls, the year before my DD16 started her period, she had huge outbursts and episodes of shouting and outright aggression. I prayed her period would come as I knew just how disregulated she felt and lost, scared, all of the things. We also found out at 14 she had autism so she had even more difficulty processing all the different feelings.

I’m so glad you are going down the caring and supportive route - I know she hit you and that can’t happen again, but she’s struggling so much she needs to know she’s safe. The fact she has lashed out at you seems to be she has been holding something in all day (or longer?) and finally couldn’t cope. She is still so very young and just can’t cope with whatever is going on.

I’m glad you told her Dad because this is a big deal and your DSD needs to know you are both on the same page, she’s not in trouble, but she needs to talk. I would actually apologise for shouting at her and explain you were so shocked but you know that wouldn’t have been nice. My DD16 still has outbursts but much less and has always come and spoken about things and apologised etc once she has calmed down. I’m sending you every best wishes and hope you get to the bottom of things.

12 is a really difficult age and then add puberty to the mix.

Something is going on for her to lash out this bad, more so if she’s usually a good kid.

You’re doing the right thing, calming the situation down until she’s ready to talk.

However I do have to stress you need to punish her for attacking you, as if you don’t she will use you as a punching bag, not just for your sake but for others also.

Hopefully with time she will open up.

You are doing exactly what you should by the sounds of it. You’re very loving and calm. IMHO it’s exactly what she needs.

Exactly. You don't meet violence with violence and win just because you are bigger and stronger. That's an awful life lesson.

Oof well done OP, it sounds like you’re handling this brilliantly, your DSD is lucky to have you x

You’re doing everything right. Poor girl. I
hope everything is resolved quickly and you can get to the bottom of what’s going on.

I hope you’re ok too. You sound like a lovely Mum (you basically are to her.)

when you can please update us.

I'm so sorry this has happened OP, must have been such a shock. You sound like a lovely caring (step)mother and are absolutely right, you're a family.

Ignore the call the police/her mum etc etc.

Glad her dad is coming home. Definitely a good mood to leave food outside her room and send a text.

I'd probably add something along the lines of 'I was shocked by what happened, but I'm not mad at you, and would love to talk when you feel ready'.

That's extreme.

There's obviously something going on with the child. Calling the police the first time she has lashed out isn't the answer.

Exactly.

Really @rubicustellitall nothing at all?? I can think of some pretty awful things that might have happened to this child that might mean she is unable to process her emotions in a healthy way. I think you are incredibly lucky that you can't.

Whatever has happened to her she should not be rewarded for physically attacking her stepmum with treats and her favourite ice cream! No wonder behaviour in schools is so awful if this is what is going on at home. Previous posters’ advice to have a calm talk with her when she is able to do so and work out what is behind this, while underlining that violence is never acceptable, is much better.

You say she put her head phones on in the car going out as well as coming home, is this normal or was it so she didn’t need to talk

I would say something has happened it could be something as simple as her best friend has upset her.

i would make her a sandwich or something and a drink and leave it outside her door, and tell her you are there for her anytime she’s ready to talk.

the idea of asking if she would prefer to talk to an auntie or someone is good

You're forgetting that OP is a stepmother though so parenting is not her place. Providing for the child, financing, cooking, cleaning, running her about with lifts, being the sole adult in charge she's responsible for it all, but never parenting.

The bio mother isn't in the child's life though, and she's full time with OP, so it is entirely appropriate that OP parent her.

I think you're handling it brilliantly well @kewpiedoes

This is great advice.
How are you doing now? I hope you are getting your breath back and are feeling a bit better whatever you do xxx

Ok. And if your daughter acted violently like OP’s step dd did. What would you have done with your daughter? Told her it’s ok you hit your step mum, it’s her job to understand the hitting.