Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Is she drunk?

She refused to talk to her dad, just cried why did you call him and leave me alone.
He’s arranged to come home, arriving here early hours of Saturday morning so still have all of tomorrow to get through with her.

she’s now sobbing again so like pp said need to bring her distress levels down before she’ll talk, going to make her some food to leave outside her door and send her a text.

Why can't some adults understand that reasons and excuses are not the same thing? Her behaviour is setting massive alarm bells off which needs to be investigated. Absolutely nobody is saying that it's fine that OP has been attacked 🙄

There are people here saying they would have assaulted the child in return, or would have thrown her out. A very vulnerable, very dysregulated 12 year old child. And these same people consider themselves the voice of reason. Unbelievable.

OP is saying that a very lovely, usually happy little girl has spent a few hours out of the house and has returned extremely distressed and behaving violently. Something very serious is going on. She may very well have been raped for all anybody knows. But sure, let's throw her out into the street.

Thank God she's got you as a stepmother OP, and not one of these PP.

England is behind the times, it should be illegal by now.

Where would you have made her go exactly?

There is nowhere else, 12 year olds typically can't just remove themselves and pop to a hotel, she is in her full time home, and hasn't the means to go anywhere else.

I'd also love to know how you would get her Dad back straight away when he is 12+ hours away - do you have a teleportation device?

@kewpiedoes Give her some time, go back up and sit outside her door and talk to her. Tell her you want to help, to understand how she feels. Tell her you'll be back in half an hour and then leave her again and make sure you DO return in half an hour.

Keep doing that - reassuring her you're there, she can have space, but you are there she can talk to you. Tell her you'll be talking to her Dad, does she want to talk to him? Ask her what she needs asides from space.

I hope that you manage to get to the bottom of it, OP, and that it turns out to be something that feels like the end of the world to a 12 yo but is relatively small to an adult eg argument with friends over a boy or similar.

That sounds like whatever happened was really bad/traumatic and she can’t talk about it because her distress is too high. Good idea to get her some food and drink and send her a text saying you care and are there for her.

She knows she’s fucked up. Whatever her reason (unless something very bad) this is beyond unacceptable. I’m glad your DH is coming home early. I would not try to engage with her anymore until she initiates it. Keep an eye on her but do not reach out until she is ready to explain what on earth has gone on.

A girl who is usually lovely and well behaved isn't going to keep assaulting people just because she 'got away with it'. There is clearly something really troubling her and kicking her out is going to put her at risk.

You would do that to your own child? At 12?

Ah do you do think it's OK to return violence with violence? So when the SM has the shit kicked out of them by BM...then SMs own daughter/sister/cousin/mum is justified in shit kicking out of bm? And so on ad infinitum?

my son was violent towards me like this on occsssion he had a very good reason his dad, my husband had died. Kids do t tend to act like this for no reason if your relationship has previously been good.

it’s difficult to navigate but for tonight give her space. I found the more I asked what was wrong etc at the time the worse the situation is. Either go and tell her or write and note and say that you are going to give her space this evening, if she wants to come down for dinner that’s ok, if she wants to talk tonight that’s ok and it’s ok if she doesn’t. However make it very clear that you will have talk about it in the morning.

when the morning comes and you are talking say we can do this one of two ways. Either we talk like adults and you tell me why you acted like that etc or I treat you like a child and your actions will have consequences no negotiation. If she chooses the first option you make it very clear that if it happens again there will defo be a Consquence.

if it’s any consolation my son is now absolutely wonderful and criticises his sister for her behaviour which is not half has bad as his was, which makes me equally roll my eyes and smile.

I'd worry something had happened today in town.

If she isn't usually like this and you usually have a good relationship.

I'd speak with her calmly and ask her if something has happened

I’m sorry I haven’t read all the thread so apologise if this has already been said but might she be hurting about whatever has gone on/ her relationship / lack of relationship with her Mum that mixed with being 12 and hormones is causing deep unhappiness.

I’d be worried about her, it sounds like this is completely out of character for her and you’ve handled it as well as you could given how caught off guard you were. I’d check in with her, let her know how worried you are - keep everything very low key while showing her you care.

Whatever has happened has clearly overwhelmed her, give her space to talk but be as routine as you can be with her til her dad gets back. I don’t think this is something to deal with as a behaviour issue at the moment so much as a welfare one. Have you got real life support?

I think you’ve handled the situation perfectly. You’ve made it clear to her that her actions were totally unacceptable, you’ve removed the little ones from the situation and you’re going to leave some food outside her room and message her.
I think this is a waiting game until she’s calmed down (and you) and she can think more clearly.
Glad her dad is coming home too.
Hope you have a peaceful evening

Ridiculous comment! You sound like you need help.

@kewpiedoes well done for managing the situ well so far and glad to hear DH is on his way home.

It sounds like she's either been through something horrible or puberty hormones have turned her into Ms Hyde.

Kid gloves are neededto get to the nub of it.

Good luck xxx

Please dont over do it... if you read my post correctly I simply tried to relay what I thought the poster of that comment meant and I said it was extreme (maybe you missed that part) but i was just pointing out that if you dont want to be on the receiving end of a beating yourself.. dont hit someone's kid.. I never said I agree with violence ! You made that part up in your head. Seriously get into the real world of how some ppl respond, that doesn't mean its correct but it is how someone might behave if you hit their child.

No, I would be very surprised if that was the reason. She’s just very distressed.

Well handled OP. Just be available and give her space as you are. Your job right now is to not pour petrol on this and to stay calm.

Good grief!!!

Not this. It sounds like something potentially bad has happened.

I would go for "I'm not angry and you aren't in trouble [even if you are and she is] - I just need to know if you are ok and if I can help/if you need anything."

I'd definitely just be calm and give her space. She may not be ready to say why or if anything happened. If you need to get her further help you can call the GP and get her an appointment - especially since you said she's been getting more withdrawn lately, I think its more likely its an ongoing issue and she just snapped today and brokedown. Maybe contact her friend's parents to see if they know anything.

Poor thing and poor you. I think what you have planned is quite right, leave her some dinner and make it obvious you are concerned not angry. She will calm down eventually.

Why the hell are you pandering to her?! Leaving food outside her door after she physically attacked you FFS. She's plenty old enough to feed herself if she's hungry.

This. Extreme sudden mood change and violence in girls and women is often a trauma response.

OP are there any trusted female relations you could offer as a listener? Aunt? Someone like that.