Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

You know absolutely nothing about OP’s DH, so how on earth can you determine what his reaction will be ?

🙄

Does she have access to a phone in her bedroom overnight? If be concerned that something happened to change her mood overnight - online bullying or worse?
You say she lives with you full-time, but is her mother alive? Could she be messaging/putting pressure on?
You sound as if you have handled a very difficult situation well. Hope that you all get to the bottom of what's going on.

I don’t think she’s calm enough to come down and feed herself and I’m just trying to show her I care.
My priority right now is to get her out of this state and communicating and to do that she needs to feel care not anger then when her dads home we can talk about the violence because then my next priority will be to have my little ones back in the house where they are safe.

If this is completely out of character and you say she is very distressed I would be concerned that something awful has happened to her. How much do you and DH really know about what is going on in her life? Do you monitor her phone and online presence?

I'm glad DH is coming home. This has to be taken seriously. Even if nothing awful has happened to DSD it is completely unacceptable for her to assault you and DH needs to parent. I do wonder if there is a reason why she didn't want you to tell her dad. What did she expect? That's he's away on business so she can do what she likes? Or maybe she's vulnerable and likely to be preyed on if DH is away a lot?

Yes, yes we are better people.

What a disgusting response. You say how dare she carry on like that?

WTAF?

How dare YOU for thinking it is in anyway right to slap a child??

You have absolutely no idea why she has done or reacted as she has done. What if she is being horrendously bullied? Blackmailed online? Has suffered a sexual assault that she is trying to get her head round?

For a child, that normally does not behave in this way, something is wrong. Something has happened, something is not right.

You are the adult and its your job to rise above the bad behaviour and try to help that child and get to the bottom of why they have done and reacted the way they have done.

I am not condoning what she did, it is obviously wrong and needs seriously addressing, but responding with a slap is disgusting behavior.

Totally inappropriate reply. Even more so as OP has shown nothing but kindness to her DSD and is clearly concerned as to what could be going on.

OP
she sounds as if she has been traumatised. She’s lashing out out of fear from what I can tell. Something has happened to seriously distress her in some way. I’m sure you are so shocked and frightened yourself after what has happened. Especially when it’s so out of character for her. I agree that it was best that your sister have your 2 younger children as, apart from them being upset, and possibly being caught up in the middle of an attack - it takes some pressure off you. I’m so sorry this has happened

What ridiculous advice. What a shock for you @kewpiedoes. I assume something has happened to her for her to behave in such an out of character way. It's definitely not normal behaviour.

Do you know her friends?
and do you have access to her SM?

100% if anyone laid a finger on my child I would accept full consequences.

While the child is resident in her home and her father is away for work, parenting absolutely is OP’s place. Utterly batshit.

Having had a child go through burn out give her a safe space and let her calm down follow her lead and let her tell you what the issue is because clearly something is

Since she has never done this before and you say you have good relationship with her, something most definitely must have happened to her. I do not think either that you should call the police OP, but honestly, this is not nothing, nor is it normal and requires urgent attention. However, I think that it should not be you but her father and mother dealing with it. I do not know what your husband does for work, you mentioned that he is 12 hours away, but he should not wait to come back on Saturday. He should come right away. Whatever it is that she needs, and I would say it is a doctor and a therapist, if she is willing, it should not be you dealing with it, but them.

I am really sorry that you are going through this, it must have been very shocking. Take care.

100% if anyone laid a finger on my child I would accept full consequences.

Not what is happening here though, so not relevant. OP sounds nothing but concerned.

Oh @kewpiedoes what an awful situation to be in.

I think this probably has a lot to do with her feelings around why her mum isn't involved. Teenage angst is horrific and a child who is struggling with feelings and emotions ahe doesn't yet have the maturity to understand or process yet will ALWAYS lash out at the people closest to her.

Dd has been behaving very similarly lately although hasn't attacked me. She has a complicated relationship with her dad. He loves her dearly but he has always been shite at communicating and he is selfish. He only wants to do things that interest him so she (and my dsc - they are still my dsc even 8 years on from us splitting) always feels unimportant. However, she lavished attention, affection etc on him and can be vile to me.

In part take her behaviour as a compliment at how much you mean to her.

Both of you need time to calm the emotions but honestly, where possible I would give her a hug. Tell her you are not angry but you are very worried about her and ask her what she thinks would help her handle whatever is going on. Tell her that you understand a stepmum is not the same as a mum, but you are always here for her and you understand that you might not be the person she needs to talk to but if you can help find her someone she is more comfortable with then you will.

Make it about her and not about how you feel...I know that's hard but it will help deescalate the situation.

Good luck!! And i hope dh isn't away for too long

Make sure you check on her throughout the night, don't leave her alone completely, just in case, as traumatised people do not behave rationally.

That is a good point, I do need to try and get her phone out of there before she goes to sleep.

She’s never had any contact with her mum

Wow. There are some seriously inappropriate response on this thread about slapping the girl back and beating the living shit out of people. Shocking!
Fortunately, the OP sounds sensible and caring.

I can’t believe some of the posts on here. She’s 12… a child. The police?! I’ve heard it all!

the fact that she is so distressed and sobbing and that this was out of character… I would be really worried that something serious happened

OP, I think you’re handling it really well. She’s lucky to have you.

and it’s totally not ok that she’s been violent, but there’s a time and way of dealing with that. Not when she’s in fight or flight mode

Do you know the kids she went out with today? Their parents? I’d message any you know have quite a good/chatty relationship with their kid and say something like “hey , did suzie mentioned anything happening in town today as DSD cane back in quite a mood.” See if you can find something out that way. In the meantime keep it calm and simple. Consequences can follow once she is in the right state of mind to listen. It’s pointless laying down the law now. I’d be quite concerned at her being locked in her room on her own when she’s this distressed though.

Pretty sure she already knows it’s not on. I don’t think reminding her of that and asking her to come and eat at the table (why??) is going to help anything. a list of demands at this point (asking her to say good night) will likely just re escalate it

Please don't do this.

At this point ahe needs to find trust, going behind her back to her friends is going to cause far more issues.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous

I think you're doing the right thing. Deal with the feelings first and the behaviour after.