Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Instead of trying to talk to her directly Could you try and talk to her through the door? She might feel it's easier to confide what's wrong without having to see you face to face Or even ask her if she wants to send you a text or a letter if she finds it easier to write it down. hormones can be intense at that age but that sounds very worrying an almost so big that she's hoping something will happen as a consequence. it may be something that's been building for a while rather than something that happened while she was out,

Err this. I've worked adult and young adults who have their shitty behaviour let slide. It's totally hilarious when they get told no, given consequences and it's followed through on. They really should have leaned that lesson before then but hey ho

Not at all ..a short sharp shock would be all that was needed. Pandering to her and pussy footing around will not get you anywhere. All this understanding is teaching her nothing. I hope at least she is full of remorse and guilt for her actions.

Mind boggling isn’t it.

The first thing that came to my mind was that she is being bullied online. Has someone posted a nasty video of her on tik tok or something? I work with teenagers and most bullying is online nowdays.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the violence was acceptable or understandable or that it shouldn't be addressed appropriately. But coming down sharply with consequences first isn't likely to encourage her to share what has happened or what is going on. What if she was assaulted or exploited but her step mum reacted in anger - it is likey to just escalate and leave both of them even more distressed without the root cause being resolved.

When a child is distressed, the connection comes first and the consequences come after when you've understood what has happened.

Fwiw OP, I think you've reacted really impressively and lovingly to all of the children in your home and I've no doubt however you choose to respond to your dsd that it will be the right choice for you guys.

The suggestions to call the police or to send her away are really shit and those actions would be really damaging to the child.

No, it absolutely doesn't, but it's a question of priorities for me.

If she doesn't usually behave this way, then 1. she already knows that she shouldn't do it, so addressing this behaviourally is not particularly urgent. It's not like she is a two year old who has just impulsively hit their sibling (which you should immediately address because they probably don't know that it's wrong yet). She is also 12 and can understand a delayed consequence.

But 2. the scene the OP describes sounds like extreme distress, and even more so if it's out of character. That would be my main, urgent concern. I would want to know if she is OK first. Yes to giving her space/time to calm down since she won't talk to OP straight away but to me, the #1 priority would be is she OK, and I would want to alert her parent ASAP as well, partially so that they are in the picture, partially in case they have any more leeway than me in getting information about whether or not she's alright. The behaviour can be addressed once that is established.

And - I realise that everyone's first thought would not be "OMG is that person OK?" when they have just assaulted you - it probably wouldn't be mine either. But once everyone is safely separated and the adrenaline has worn off, I think this ought to be the priority order of any adult regarding a child in their care.

Don't be too sure on that.

When I was sexually assaulted I kept it completely together until I got home and then I had a complete meltdown (as in crying and pulling furniture around) at the fact the cat was on the sofa.

Masking until you're somewhere safe is a common reaction

If she can’t talk, invite her to text. Sometimes that works better.

My first thought is that something must have happened. Obviously there need to be severe consequences that can be discussed when everyone is calm and dad is back. Ideally dad needs to be back immediately. But a child needs unconditional love, especially a child that is acting out of character because the behavior may be in response to a trauma. Firm boundaries, consequences for actions but in a calm, authoritative, loving environment.

It is her place to punish actually, given that she is solely caring for DSD right now, and lives with her full time. I’m not advocating her hitting her back, but you’re ridiculous to say that parenting ‘isn’t her place’.

Abuse tends to ramp up, so she could have been very anxious and worried about how the meet up in town would go in the morning and then it could have been as bad as she feared, or much worse,

Her reaction suggests a post traumatic breakdown more than anger towards you.

Do you think she’s had a fallout with her friends today or something?

Not an excuse but might explain why she has flown off the handle.

Clearly her dad needs to come home from whatever trip he’s on. Stepparents are forever told to know their place, to stay in their lane, to take heed of what the bio parents want. So, this is his responsibility. Home and deal with her properly.

Thank you for this sensible, level headed response

You're forgetting that OP is a stepmother though so parenting is not her place. Providing for the child, financing, cooking, cleaning, running her about with lifts, being the sole adult in charge she's responsible for it all, but never parenting.

Can DSD go to her grandparents for a night or two to give you all a bit of space to calm down OP? Any other extended family near you.

If you slap a child, they will slap you back down the road when they are stronger than you and also possibly slap their own partner and children. The only thing you teach by using violence is to use violence.

No.

As you usually have a good relationship I would be more worried about what's going on with her. Much as I'd want to go straight in shes probably still mad or convinced you will hate her for what happened and be unable to think clearly.

I would work on getting her distress levels down. Leave some food outside her room, tell her it's there, that you love her and are here when she is ready to talk. Then see if she comes to you. She might just eat then fall asleep with exhaustion, but at least she will know you still love her.

I work in a multi disciplinary team and manage police, social care and other related professionals. This is not a police matter. She's 12 and it's not repeat behaviour. I would be incredibly concerned if this is a sudden change in behaviour.
It also seems like this is a 12 year old girl who didn't live with mum which is unusual and dad works away. Counselling and GP is probably more likely to get to the bottom of it.

Not to mention the criminal charges you’ll face when they mention it at school or to a friend.

EDIT: just seen smacking is not illegal in England so this might be false for that area.

I think the poster is trying to convey you dont hit kids and they need understanding and if any adult hit her kids well she'd give them a taste of their own medicine. Yes extreme but that said... dont hit kids if you dont want someone to give the same back perhaps.

You'd call the police on a 12yo girl having a meltdown?

How is that going to help an already awful situation .

@rubicustellitall
Where is your remorse and guilt when you deliberately and coldly hit a child with a “short sharp shock” of a “slap” ?

Slap is just another word for hitting.