Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

That struck me too, so often adults hold children to higher standards than they hold themselves!

There's no denying the violence was unacceptable, but she's recognised that, taken the step to apologise unprompted and shown genuine remorse. What purpose would further pumishment do?

OP you said that the fall out re:dad/siblings/guilt is consequence enough and considering this is the first time something like this has happened I couldn't agree more! As it stands at the moment I think she's likely to feel more able to come to you with a problem in future and it's highly unlikely you'll see a repeat of this incident (not saying there wont be teenage strops!) and that's full credit to you for how you've handled it.

I just wanted to drop in to say that you sound like an incredible (step) Mum, all your DC are lucky to have you.

Yes, I am concerned about it. She’s had minor fall outs and dealt with name calling many times before and yes she’s been upset but she’s mostly dealt with it without us having to step in. The extreme distress and reaction, makes me concerned it’s much more than just a little fall out.

I think once dh is home if she isn’t willing to say what was said then I’m defiantly going to send a message to the mum I think I can trust to see if we can find out what’s happened.

"but for now she needs to feel safe and loved at home"

What a fantastic parent you are, OP. I'm so glad she has you.

Sounds like she’s been having a hard time with lots of overwhelming feelings and you’re on top of it. It’s wonderful really that she wants a deeper relationship with you.

Would you ever consider officially adopting her or is that not something her or dad would want (or you)?

Op, I think you are handling this brilliantly.

I'm a firm.parent amd even I can spot that piling down with discipline wouldn't be the way to handle this.

Your DSD is very lucky to have you - I hope things improve for her.

As a nudge, I would highly recommend cadets - it is fantastic for building relationships and teamwork amongst teenagers with lots going on, it could be an ideal way to start filling her evenings and weekends.

OP you have handled this in an exemplary way and she is so lucky to have you. Communication is always key and the way she has opened up to you is a credit to both of you.
The way you have reassessed how you do things (e.g. the letting her have time with her dad being taken as rejection) by seeing it through her perspective is admirable.
My DD was at her most challenging when she was 12. I think it can be a strange in between age and friendships become paramount (and are often upsetting).
Your love for her shines through and will get you both through this.

So what are you suggesting? I think the OP handled it perfectly. She already mentioned that its out of character for her Dsd if it was a everyday occurrence it would be different but this is a 12 year old whose starting to experience all the teenage angst, hormone changes and big feelings that she is not mature enough to verbalise or manage. Obviously that doesn't excuse violence but the fact she is remorseful and the fact she apologised off her own back is a positive sign. Also by not outwardly and excessively punishing her it will mean that the Dsd will remain able to to confide in Op about her feelings/what is going on in her life without feeling like she needs to hide things for fear of reprimand

It sounds like you've handled this really well OP. Welldone and good luck navigating the next few days

Oh, poor kid. Wandering round town for hours alone feeling worse and worse and worse.

Im glad she's got you, because she needs your love and kindness, not the suggested threats and punishments.

I just wanted to say that I think you've handled this really well. Please ignore some of the other, frankly mad, posters on here. You're doing a great job and she's lucky to have you. I was raised by my mum and stepdad, and also had a much younger half sibling, so I do have some experience of this kind of set up.

It's definitely not her place to be scratched and hit. Do you think being a stepmother negates personal safety? She had to send the little ones to stay elsewhere. What if it had been one of them? Would the OP need to be understanding of that?

There's obviously something wrong here. Her father needs to come home now. If dsd has been traumatized in some way, she needs help.. Equally so, she may need medical or psychological intervention.

What she definitely does NOT need is someone not only upholding her behavior, but rewarding her with treats.

She attacked someone. We don't bake cookies for that.

Surely the most important things are:

Girl recognises she did wrong ✔️
Girl is remorseful ✔️
Girl explains what’s happening for her ✔️
Mum supports her in fixing this ✔️

All achieved. What would punishment add?

Might just be me, but i don't view replacing too-small underwear for a 12yo child as a reward, or on a par with 'baking cookies'

Underwear that fits should be a basic fucking standard of care for anyone.

I just wanted to say I think you handled this all brilliantly. It was a cry for help and you were there for her. She's so lucky to have you. I am absolutely shocked at some of the comments you've had on this thread, I really hope they don't actually treat their kids the way they've advised you to.

I should also add I am a firm parent - it's obvious that this is one where she needed kindness, not punishment

OP, just been reading along, i'm commenting as one of probably few parents here who has had to experience child violence.. although in my DS's case its down to autism/meltdowns... to me it still falls under overwhelming emotions.

I'm also a child Mental Health First Aider.

You've handled this impeccably.

I know what you experienced is so, so scary, and i know you probably had a good cry afterwards. While being firm that it CANNOT be repeated is vital, in those moments its also so important to let them know you still love them.

The violence can be talked about later, when everyone is calm, and some time has passed where everyone has had time to process.

I don't necessarily think that rn she needs any intervention from professionals, but do have a chat with your GP receptionist, there's usually something local like a drop-in support team she can chat with if you want to try that.

From my POV, the only thing i'd suggest is that you help her explore healthier ways to process and regulate such strong emotions, and you can have a chat to her about how to handle those kinds of feelings in a more positive manner.

I agree that you've dealt with this very well. It makes sense to contact a parent that you already know. Whatever's happened needs to be sorted one way or another before September otherwise she'll dread going back. Is there someone in the group that she's close to?

I honestly think you’ve handled this so well with so much kindness. I hope you can move on as a family. If it does open up conversations like does she want to call you mummy like the other 2 then that’s a positive.
I’m a girlguide leader for 10-13 yr olds and it’s such a tricky age for girls.

My guess would be that she's experienced something that has traumatised her and she is completely overwhelmed, she sounds very angry. Maybe she'll talk once she calms down

How about reading the OP's updates?

You have handled this beautifully OP. She will never forget your compassion, it was clearly exactly what she needed the poor thing.

I have to say that I think that you are amazing and a fantastic mother. You have proved that a mother comes in many forms and your compassion is truly inspiring.

I know I'm late to the thread, but I just have to add my voice to everyone saying how well you've handled this OP. I am bit sad for all the parents whose first reaction is to punish rather than try to understand (although I get there might be some back story there). Well done for supporting her when she needs you! Hope everything works out for you all x

OP, I just came in here to read your updates and just want to add my voice to those saying well done 👏🏻 Great parenting skills!