Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

She does though because yes this was handled fine but there some (very understandable) underlying issues here as others have mentioned that therapy and family therapy might be helpful

If you hit someone, they get angry
Not everyone gets angry when they are hit. Weird you are assuming that saying “I’m not angry” cannot be true.

The OP never mentioned feeling anger, she mentioned shock, dismay, confusion, and uncertainty as to what to do.

Her phones gone for the foreseeable but this is as much to protect her as to punish her.

I’m expecting her to be on very best behaviour all summer, we will be strict on anything less than that.

She came down this morning and sincerely apologised on her own, she’s knows what happened is in no way okay. Most of the upset last night was because she was ashamed about what she had done not what had happened before then.

Her upset and guilt, the fact her siblings got sent away and her dad has had to arrange to come home from work early are consequences enough at the moment

She’s feeling very unloved and embarrassed, I don’t see how punishing and shaming her more will help her especially when we still don’t know what happened before, it’s just going to push her away.

If anything else happens which I don’t think it will then we obviously we will have to deal with it more seriously and I will not be able to find this much sympathy for her again but for now I’m giving her the chance to move on and let this by a one off that she learns from.

And it be the truth!

You sound like a wonderful stepmum to her, she’s luck to have you. I would be concerned about the violence though, if she’s had therapy before she may need it again, and you can’t be certain that she wouldn’t be violent towards your other children. Good luck.

The coming down and apologising - this shows so much about your relationship. She knew that she could do that, which says great things about how you make her feel. It’s also brave. Lots of adults can’t do that.

I've been checking back on this since this morning and honestly OP you sound incredible.
I really hope the dust settles and you all manage to enjoy the rest of the summer holidays.

Ridiculous advice !

Yeah you have handled this really well. Ignore the maniacs saying you have let her off - how you have handled this is spot on - there's clearly a lot going on which she couldn't cope with and lashing out at you as the closest person is what sometimes happens with young adults.

It makes perfect emotional sense that she lashed out at you. Of course her behaviour was unacceptable, but reasons aren’t excuses. And the reasons are clear. She has experienced some serious trauma surrounding her mother, either death or abandonment. Now she has two much younger siblings which probably reinforces her feelings of loss and grief. The little ones live with both their parents, while she may see herself as an outsider. It’s not uncommon even for full siblings to feel pushed aside when little ones arrive. In your DSD’s case, those feelings could well be amplified due to her history. Add to that the rejection by her friends, at an age when friends take on outsized importance. She probably feels insecure about her place in the world, unsure of whether she belongs anywhere. It also makes sense that you were the target of her emotional meltdown. She feels safe with you but also insecure about her role in the family. By displaying such behaviour, she’s testing whether you will still love her no matter what. And as the mother figure in her life, you are also a sort of stand-in for her absent mother and the no doubt complicated feelings she has for her.

Like many PPs, I think you’ve handled the situation beautifully. She needs reassurance and support, which you’re providing. I’m sure she’s appalled by her actions and it may make her feel worse about herself. I don’t think punishment is called for (though like you I’d hold onto her phone for now to protect her from the potential bullying by her former friends). I would give her opportunities to make amends in some way, for her benefit and to help her understand that family relationships can survive difficult times.

Sending you a hug. You sound like a lovely step mum and you’ve handled this incredibly well x

I think you should ignore anyone saying she needs stronger consequences. You’ve showed her compassion she will remember that.
whatever happened in her friendship group is really concerning - that she actually pretended to meet up with them to avoid telling you the truth or she has deleted everything including their numbers. I would be worried about inappropriate photos or she has been pressured into doing something she now regrets.

I don’t know if you’ve mentioned it, but how long have you been in her life (roughly)? How many years passed between your arrival in her life and the birth of her little siblings? That could potentially affect her sense of insecurity, her sense of being replaced. I’m sure you don’t treat her any differently than before, but emotions aren’t rational.

What a difficult situation for you and her to navigate and well done so far. Hopefully dh home soon to help.

poor girl. She’s realised she’s done wrong but the situation she finds herself in sounds horrendous.

sad that she she is worried her sisters will find out one day she’s not a real sister. I mean technically perhaps not but of course she’ll be their sister for ever.

Another one who feels you are handling this really well.

Please also praise her for having good boundaries and having the strength to cut contact when it became toxic.

You sound like a lovely Step Mum and IMO you have handled this difficult situation very well, with love and compassion. 🩷

I think you’ve handled this brilliantly OP. She is lucky to have you x

Have you ever made a mistake? Do you need to be punished for them mistakes to stop it happening again or are you a person with empathy who is able to be remorseful for your actions and not do it again because you realise you hurt someone? I think the DD in this situation is the latter and won't be going around assaulting people because she got away with it. I think the love, support and understanding she is receiving will help prevent it happening again rather than encourage it.

You clearly wouldn't be much help with a distressed child in this situation , op says her behaviour was out of character in her post.
Thankfully this girls stepmom thinks differently to you.

You could. If you’d made one.

I think you're handling it very well @kewpiedoes

I would put money on the fact that she's had a comment (or been bullied) about her mum. The only times my DS has encountered bullies in his life - either minor one off comments or repeated ones - they've gone for the fact his mummy isn't around (she died) and I'm not his real mum.

We had to go into the school multiple times when DS2 was born because every single time he mentioned his brother one charming little madam would say "half..."

I also wouldn't be remotely surprised if now that she's seeing you being a mum it's causing her to think about the fact her mum isn't around.

Especially if that's a choice that her mum has made

Just wanted to chime in on the kudos for handling your DSD wonderfully and with loving kindness.

Talk to your DH immediately. Tell him you had to remove your other children due to her behavior. Explain the behavior and don't (US term I think) sugar coat it.

Also just wanted to add that it says a lot more about her that she was able to apologise, than the fact that she lost her temper when she’s been hurt. Haven’t we all at some point? But to be able to apologise and accept responsibility autonomously is IMO the behaviour to be focusing on.

Something is going on and you need to get to the bottom of it as kindly and sympatheticly as you can. However her reaction and her level of aggression are totally unacceptable and letting her off will reinforce the behaviour. Reassure her she obviously is either overwhelmed by her feelings or knows she can do whatever dhe likes with no consequences.