Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Yes I have, and so far there is no explanation that even comes close to excusing her behaviour. Body hair problems? Friendship issues? Frankly all teenage girls go through stuff like that. Magically, most manage without hitting their parents/step-parents.

I don't see why avoiding saying "I'm not angry" to a girl who has just attacked you is so shocking to you. Teenagers need to understand that their parents are human beings, not their personal punching bag. As a parent you can be understanding while still allowing yourself to show normal human emotions and making clear that certain behaviour is unacceptable.

@kewpiedoes, you sound like a fantastic stepmum. I think you are doing exactly the right thing, little steps and a gentle approach. Just be careful when DH gets home that she doesn't feel that you are ganging up on her. If you are all sitting down, you sit down next to her so that she feels you are with her rather than against her

Good luck

You sound like the kind of step mum
every blended family needs.

I think I understand her - I still get these feelings of ‘not being proper family’ many decades later. It’s a lonely and scary place to be.

Just keep talking to her, and endlessly reassuring her that you’re there for her and love her every bit as much as the other kids. Even if you seem like a broken record.

I would look into some family counselling so you can move on as a family - so she sees her part and role and her belonging. And to get reassurance.

it’s a difficult age as it is. You’re doing a great job.

It’s a bit more than body hair and friendship problems. Read the OP’s updates. The poor girl is a) very distressed and b) remorseful.

@kewpiedoes

I think you have dealt with this very well. No shopping and hair cream won't solve the deeper issues but it shows you listened and you care.

The mummy thing stands out to me. Im an adoptive mum and foster carer so have done a few rounds on what I'm called and being told Im not real mum.

Can I ask what she does call you?

I think you are doing an astoundingly good job OP- of course if this isn’t a one off you might need to react differently to being walloped . So far so good . Teens do act like absolute dicks sometimes especially to their parents .

Oh that poor girl. I wonder too whether you would adopt her. Imagine not being able to call anyone 'Mum' - that's heart-breaking. I wonder whether that's what the bullying was about.

So if I hit you and make you so worried you send your younger children away from the house, that's fine because I'm remorseful?

Again, I have read the updates. Teenage problems and blended family issues are incredibly common. It does not excuse attacking your step-mother.

I'm not saying hit her back or throw her out of the house. I'm saying OP doesn't have to tell her things like "I'm not angry" when actually anger is a perfectly natural emotion and teenagers need to realise their actions have consequences. If you hit someone, they get angry. That's a normal thing to understand.

If you love your child and you understand why they've been so upset and you know that they are lashing out at you as the only person in the whole country who is there for them and who they know won't leave them, then yes, you can say you're not angry with them.

OP you sound a wonderful step mum and you have handled this tricky situation very well imo. I know some others disagree with me but lots of posters have agreed with your stance.
As a pp said, would it be possible to adopt your dsd? It would put you on a proper legal footing should anything happen to your DH and absolutely show dsd how much she is loved by you.

Are you a 12 year old girl?

She has always called me by my name or a nickname, same as dh called me.
Before we had kids dh did ask me about it but honestly I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea as I wasn’t yet a mum and she seemed happy.

Now I have dc though and Dh now refers to me as mummy a lot of time I would be happy for her to do the same if that’s what she wants.

When we’re in public and someone refers to me as her mum I don’t correct them and now if someone asks me if I have kids I do say I have 3 without specifying.

Girls can be so unkind, if there are some friends that aren’t part of that group I would be nurturing those friendships over the holidays.
A shopping trip for some new clothes and a bite of lunch would be nice but I would be implementing the no phone rule after a certain time. My son who is the same age has to hand his phone to me every evening and I give it back in the morning, he knows I look through it and check his messages etc.
Im sure she does feel awful about it, no child who has previously been lovely will think that lashing out physically is ok.
It might be worth her joining some extra curricular activities in September to boost her confidence and friendship if she doesn’t already.
Without proof of the messages it’s tricky to contact parents. I’ve intervened twice and spoken to other children’s parents based on what was happening on a WhatsApp group but I had the screen shots of the messages.

Just wanted to say that you sound like a beautiful, supportive stepmum. She’s lucky to have you.
There are some absolute dickheads on this chat. I have a 13 year old who has just started having moody moments. I find it SO difficult to remain patient when they are acting really mean and ungrateful. Thankfully this is only a tiny percentage of time so far. But it sounds like you handled this amazingly well and shown your SD what a solid, caring support she has with you.
Unlike the children of the posters who want to put a clearly distressed 12 year old out in the street.

So no consequences then?
Green light to kick off in future when life isn't going her way.
I have gotten 3 dd's to adulthood without being assaulted..
Including a time when dd lost all her friends. Every one. Because she refused to drink alcohol at a sleepover when she was still 12...
She got picked up and a take away.. Not me assaulted and she gets a shopping trip.
And my dd's had no biological df in the picture.

I think you’ve handled this absolutely beautifully x

If she becomes anxious about returning back to school would you and her dad consider changing her school. The emotional rollercoaster at this age is intense. You can't allow her to get used to using you as her punch bag. Here is a positive she feels comfortable to express herself to you and you only do that to the people who you love and trust. Yes it's horrible but she knows you will listen and take it all. The best thing you can do if it continues talk to the school and then if things don't improve then move her somewhere else. You don't want school to feel like a prison of torture.

PLEASE read the OP's posts.

All of those have been addressed

Click on See All

You sound really lovely OP.

it sounds like something horrible happened between her and her friends. Perhaps they said something mean about her not having a Mum and she took it out on you. It sounded briefly personal and for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe she confided in them and they've turned it on her. She may even need a change of school if things are really bad. I'd try and ask some open questions if you can - open as in ''how do you feel about going back to school" or "if there was one thing you could change right now, what would it be?", Rather than "Why did you kick off". Why questions are very hard to answer when you're processing it all.

As for clothes, perhaps you could try to check in with her regularly from now on about clothes and stuff. She'll need period pants soon and tampax possibly. Perhaps have the chat now if you haven't? She'll need support around that.

Also about sex and consent and porn. All these things if you up to doing it (which it sounds like you are, you sound so lovely) then it would be so helpful for her to have your experiences in all of this.

I agree with the others that if you were to formally adopt her, this might help her feel more connected and wanted. She doesn't have to call you mum but just to know you want her as much as your other kids. It must be very hard for her.

And also perhaps to have time just the two of you together, if you can find the time to do that, perhaps once every month or every other month, to go shopping or the cinema or something, just for the two of you, like you would if you had a teen daughter.

You sound really lovely OP. She needs you. Thank you for caring so much <3

@kewpiedoes

I would have that conversation with her. See what she would like to call you but make it clear that you are her mum in all the ways that matter, and that she is no different to the other children

The reluctance by the op to get a MH assessment is indicative of something being there that has become normalised. Also - Shielding the child from the diagnosis by not getting one. This happens as well in physical health when someone doesn’t seek medical help when they know that actually they need to go to the doctors. It’s best that the legal guardians with the op take the child to the GP to start the MH assessment process. Family therapy as well needs to happen. Posters have written about the op adopting her dsd and/or asking her if she wants to call her mum - both these need a psychologist for the child in the context of events.

Now she's getting older, can you keep a closer eye on her clothes? That's quite a lot to be ill-fitting and that matters more to a teenager than it does to an 8 year-old.

Same with the hair - keep things well stocked?

And surely they're half-siblings?

You have handled this perfectly OP in my opinion. What a great Mum you are.
No advice for you but I don't think you need it ! X
I have a great story about my kids, that you might appreciate. I overheard my DS and DD having this conversation when they were about Dd14, and DS11. My DD has a different bio Dad to my 2 sons. Years ago DD told older son to tidy up as I had asked. He said " you can't tell me what to do, you're not my real sister"
Her reply " good, that means you're not my real brother "
They are still very close and holiday together with their respective partners and my DGS.

Poor love. My daughter went through similar at 15. So did I. I felt very powerless, but I did say to her, many times, that I knew EXACTLY how she felt. I knew there was little I could do, but I knew her pain because I had felt it, and it was, indeed, shitty. Really, really shitty. That helped a teeny bit, I think. It did blow over, she made new friends, as I knew she would. But it took time and all I could do was make sure home was a caring and loving place as a counter balance to school.