Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

I completely agree with this. There is no excuse for violence at this age. A toddler might lash out, but a 12 year old knows better.

I wouldn't be telling her I'm not angry etc. It's normal to be angry when someone randomly hits you. Don't be a doormat.

I understand there's probably something deeper going on and yes, try to get to the bottom of that, but even if the DSD is being bullied or whatever it's still not an excuse to hit her SM. It's a reason, but never an excuse.

That is against the law, despite the fact that DSD hit out first. Violence does not solve violence. You should be ashamed that you would have even said that.

You have said several times how embarrassed she seams about something. I hope I'm barking up the wrong tree, but do you think these other kids have encouraged her to send nude photos or something like that? I would google her name and do a bit of a check to see if there's anything untoward on line about her. Also look at her photos in her phone.

OP the mummy thing stuck out to me - shes at a tricky age and it just be very hard for her- it wouldn’t surprise me if some of the nasty things said were about you not being her mum and her not living with her mum which is why she took it out on you.

is there a special name she would like to call you? Have you ever discussed that? Like an affectionate nickname? Something special between the two of you that makes you stand out to her in a good way?

good luck, do t let dh be hard on her for her out burst, its done and from the sounds of it very unlikely to happen again. At this point defining your role between the two of you seems to be the way forward, both be on the same page.
Good luck, you’ll both do brilliantly I’m sure once it’s settled down again.

Have you explored developmental trauma/ACEs? The absence of her birth mother comes with a huge range of emotions that she may well find difficult to process, it is the one thing that leapt out at me when you explained her history.

This is the comment I was looking for.
No-one is talking about the violence/smashing things up. How will this be prevented in future??

She is embarking into her teen years - there will be plenty of hormonal fluctuances and friendship drama.

Is OP going to have to defend herself against slaps and shuttle the toddlers away every-time DSC is overwhelmed and upset.

I understand that she is an upset little girl and thankfully she has a supportive step-mum - but this really needs to be addressed.

I knew it would be a friendship issue from your first post. No 12 year old lashes out like that for nothing, especially a girl with no previous behaviroual issues.
I'm glad that you were able to talk to her and take her out for esentials and hopefully she'd feel more comfortable in her body. So much is going on at that age with friends, your body and emotions.
Sounds like you're a very good stepmum and listened rather than punished severely (agree that taking phone away was sensible).

Have either of you read ops updates or is it more fun to stick the boot in ?
I hope you don't have children who might need understanding and help but don't know how to ask for it.

Do get her a mental health assessment - go to your GP. You write that she’s had help before so please look into this again - her legal guardians need to do this. Shopping won’t solve the issues. They are still there for sure and need support to tackle. You also need support to manage this situation. Seek help for yourself as well and family. It’s better to do this now rather than later.

Are your DC her step or half siblings, sorry I have read all your posts and you are calling them step but assumed they might be your DH’s children?

I am sorry you got replies like this.
I read your update , poor girl , i knew there would be something like this behind it.
Its really sad to think about how she must have felt yesterday.
I hope she finds some better friends , and i wanted to say how lovely you sound,
just what this girl needs , in time she will realise how lucky she is to have you .

I must raise one point. She is not their step sister, she is their half sister. Can you emphasise this to her if you think it would help? My 3 DD don't differentiate, never have, they have never felt the need.

You sound really wonderful OP, you’ve handled this brilliantly and that’s why she’s opened up to you.
You clearly are ‘mum’ here, even if step, so yes it is your job to parent. Is calling you mum an option, if she’s feeling a difference?

Often the shame is punishment enough, when it’s out of character and clearly going through something, being shown kindness in that and being supported through those feelings is the solution, not some additional arbitrary punishment

Would she want/consider calling you mum or similar? My ds was 9 (no contact with his father since age 5) when I started dating my dh, we took everything very slowly and didnt get married or move in together for 7 years but most weekends were spent together. When my ds was 11 we were bringing him and two of his friends out for the day when he piped up from the back seat with 'are we nearly there yet Da' (we are Irish, Da is a common moniker here), thankfully my now husband handled it excellently and just answered normally, my ds continued to call him Da whenever he had friends around, it was important to him to have the same as they did. Its over 20 years ago so much more innocent times with no mobile phones etc but the base feeling of 'being the same' could apply today.

It's not normal but as you have generally had a good relationship I'd be thinking about -

• Has something horrible happened to her?
• Is it fair her Dad is away, he couldn't do this if you weren't there.
• She's with you full time, could her Mum be upsetting her

I would agree with the PP that she's not a step-sister. Those are her siblings seeing as they have the same dad, and I don't think there's any need for the "half" either, you're all the same family in the same household.

Of course it should be her decision and not forced on her, but give her the option to call you mum. Because that's your role in her life after all.

She is very lucky to have you. As a mother of daughters in sounds like you are doing all the right things. I really can't stress how important it is to have a network outside of school. Does she play any team sports or do ballet/dance/swimming/art? Just so she can have another group of friends and support network that are nothing to do with school. I hated the teenage years and dramas with friends. Hated seeing them so miserable. Girls can be very mean.

"have no concept of step and she thinks at some point they’re going to realise she’s not their real sister"

I remarried and had another child. He has never thought of his siblings as anything other than siblings, there are no half's on either side. They are real brothers and sisters, this is how your two DC will think of their big sister.

You sound lovely, far more balanced that a lot of posters.

Awwww Op that’s so sad !
You’re doing an absolutely amazing job !!!
I don’t know what to recommend next !
The clothes and body hair is an easy fix I’m wondering if that’s what they bullying her about !! (Nasty girls )
Im sure someone will be along with good advise regarding going forward
Keep being a good mum ❤️

It's not about dishing out arbitrary punishments - it's about figuring out a strategy to prevent this happening again. Shopping is not a strategy to prevent future violence.

@kewpiedoes I really would look into some therapy as it. An be an absolute godsend DD needed some in Years 7 (through the school) and Yesr 9 (private) to get her through

with all the issues she has it would really help - I assume she doesn’t see her mom at all

Sorry I messed that up and Thankyou to other posters for correcting me.
I’m her step mum and she’s my step daughter but dc are are her half siblings. Dh is the father of the 3 of them.

We just refer to them all as siblings but yes they are half not step and she is feeling this difference regardless.

@kewpiedoes: you sound like you are doing a great job supporting and understanding your DSD