Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

It sounds as though she's struggled to regulate through some snowballing issues and is feeling overwhelmed and insecure.

A few thoughts.

As PPs have said, at this age, friendships come and go. Unfortunately some girls can, at this age, be absolutely vile to each other in an imagined popularity contest of their own devising. My DC had a very close friend at 11, and they had a huge falling-out about 6 months ago. They haven't spoken since because the friend refuses to apologise to DC and DC has stood firm that if they can't apologise, then they're not accepting responsibility for their behaviour.
Fortunately, a new group of friends has taken shape and they're a much nicer crowd. [and they seem like just the sorts of kids that the 'popular' ones would refuse to associate with because they're nerds/dorks/etc]

If it's possible to go clothes shopping, perhaps in a different area, maybe that would be a solution. It doesn't have to be a lot of stuff, or expensive stuff, but something that she likes and is comfortable in would help with confidence.

I wouldn't speak with the other parents. Pretty much nobody wants to believe that their child is capable of malice or unkindness. It may well backfire if the parents then raise it with their children anyway and result in SD being ostracised.

If the year group will be the same next academic year, then I'd raise with relevant staff (pastoral care? Head of year? Form tutor?) that there have been issues within the friendship group. It might be possible to split them all out from SD

Body image/body hair - refer to good role models, discuss them, discuss feminism, discuss how to remove body hair if wanted, and see what methods she'd like.

Can her Dad give her some 1 on 1 time when he's back?

Going forward - and this may not be an issue anyway, but is it possible to give her more responsibility/some privileges around her age vs lumping her in with the younger children?

She already knows she's behaved badly. I'm sure between you, you can work out what is necessary to resolve that, and see if you can come up with some strategies to put in place going forward to help navigate her emotions.

I'd definitely ask her before you say anything to the other parents, she's trusted you with this information be careful not to break that trust.

I'd echo PPs who mentioned that this rejection could have triggered some very deep feelings. I don't know the circumstances with her birth mum but it's likely she is still very much affected by it on some level. That and the fact that being rejected by your friends at that age is devastating, is probably why her reaction was so extreme.

She needs to feel safe and a sense of belonging right now. I think the idea of legally adopting her is a good one if you'd be open to that. She will need a lot of reassurance and love and to feel part of the family.

Agree not to talk to other parents, at best they'll want to fix it and long term it won't help Dds self esteem to have fake friendships. At worst it could backfire. A chat to school might help though to keep an eye and support new friendships

Have her periods started? Sorry if I missed this? A doc appointment might be a good start for support to check her bloods. They might also be able to refer to other organisations such as social skills groups or counselling.

If mum isn't in her life, she must be extremely sensitive to rejection. Well done for staying so calm and prioritising her sense of security with you. I think you've acted commendably and shown her you are there no matter what. You stopped her appropriately and given her her own space to calm down. I totally agree with giving the little ones a night away with auntie, too. You can focus on her now and show her she matters, whilst they have a lovely ol' time.

The Kooth app or something similar might be good to share with her in the mean time.

Just wanted to say, you couldn't be doing a better job for her! And so glad her father came home to support you both. She has a solid family.

@lifeisgoodrightnow advice looks good. I wouldn't get involved with the parents, that's a can of worms. And have confidence that she can ride out teen social struggles for herself.

A "consequence" for aggression might be worthwhile, but rather than taking something away how about giving her a task / chore / responsibility to do? Something that can not only make her feel that she has made up for her aggression but you can also say "well done" and tell her she's really stepped up and proved herself?

I would consider mental health support if the aggression repeats or if she becomes withdrawn etc. But for now this just looks like everything happened all at once and became too much for her.

(Also a task or responsibility might keep her busy and give her something else to think about not fretting over her unkind friends.)

As an autistic woman, and previously undiagnosed autistic girl, I’d second this as a possibility and something that might be worth looking into. Your description did sound very much like a meltdown - I would lash out verbally, but for many people meltdowns are much more physical.
It’s a total loss of emotional control, and for high-masking girls it can seem sudden and totally out of character. There’s often a lot of remorse afterwards, it can be embarrassing, and it’s exhausting. Unexpected changes, disruption to usual routines, even uncomfortable clothes can contribute (leg hair against trousers actually is something that puts me slightly on edge), and too much at once can lead to the kind of overwhelm you described. The changes in socialising with friends/peers at this age can be a nightmare to navigate too, especially with the unspoken ‘rules’ in girl’s friendship groups; feeling isolated, unwanted, and/or like you don’t fit in is quite a common experience. (Hobby groups to meet other kids with shared interests can be really helpful!)

I'm glad to hear she's opened up to you and you know at least some of what has been going on. Child'line have lots of resources - I am not sure how useful they are but it might be worth a look . Some can be used online, tthere is an opportunity to talk to a counsellor. She may find that anonymity might help her be able to speak out even more as well as to you. https://www.childline.org.uk/toolbox/
I hope today's better for you both.

Just wanted to say i think you've done a fantastic job of supporting and looking after your DSD! You sound like a great parent, and in time your DSD will really come to appreciate what a loving family she has. This is a hard time for all her, and she will come through it with your support. Keep doing what you are doing OP - you clearly have good instincts for what is needed.

Oh bless her. Dd fell out with her friends permanently at that age and I remember how devastating it was for her and I was worried sick for a long time. She eventually made friendship groups out of school and then moved school for sixth form but she had a miserable few years at school to be honest.

Looking back I wish I’d changed her school sooner , by the time they’re in year 10 it’s too late but you keep hoping it will blow over and be ok.

does she do any activities out of school, is there anything she’d like to do. Dd made friends online via a Minecraft server in the end which I know isn’t the best but it was a massive help. They used to meet up in real life at conventions.

could you take your dsd on a shopping trip for new clothes and also see what she’d like to do about body hair?

Yes, clearly we are all better than you.
Personally, I Wouldn’t be bragging online about how I’d slap a child for having a flip out, but you do you?

How big and brave of you 👍🏻

I hope you are ok it sounds a horrible situation. I’d personally speak to dad about removing phone she’s too young for unrestricted messaging and sm.
Longer term could you encourage something like Guides. Good for friends away from school group.
I know a yr7 girl who made a suicide attempt so I do understand your worry.

Some really great advice, Thankyou.

I’m really conscious about not pushing her further, we’ve just had a normal day and I haven’t brought it up and I don’t want to invade her privacy but worried about just leaving the friendship issue.

She’s deleted all their numbers so has no way of her getting back in contact and this is the only group of friends she has at school, she’s obviously really embarrassed and not coping with the emotions so don’t want it to be clouding over her until September. Obviously there’s a difference if there’s serious bullying that could be ongoing and she’s now hadn’t got any friends or if it was just some insensitive comments that she was over sensitive to but can all be sorted out.

There is one mum who has adult dc as well who I think is kind and sensible, funny enough she’s actually friendly with my mum so I think I would contact her but will wait for dh to return and talk to DSD first.

Autistic meltdown? My DD didn't get diagnosed until her teens and finds a day out with friends is incredibly stressful sometimes. Yelling, crying, lashing out and then withdrawing are her go to. I leave her to calm down and then hug and leave discussing the behaviour until the next day when she is able to cope. She often barely remembers the explosion but feels horrible about it.

Oh poor girl. She needs a lot of love right now. She can still have consequences but not the fear of god. Very similar happened to my daughter at that age. As it happens a friend of mine was a teacher at her school and we showed her the messages. As you don't have them and if you know the parents I'd have a word. But in future she needs to screen shot everything and show them to you. And that needs to be a condition on having a phone. Our DD is adopted and a lot of the bullying was related to that. There's a much longer story which is very hard but I'll not go into it here.

Take her to be waxed (we didn't do razors for a while due to risk of self harm, which unfortunately tends to appear at that age and unhappy). Though the Estrid razors are excellent. Take her shopping and do a mini makeover, new clothes, make up etc. Just you and her as you are her mother figure.

But gently explain to her that if she hits you or anyone again you will call the police. (Social services have advised that to us).

Big hugs to you, also ask her what she would like to call you. I think possibly she's noticing that the younger ones might call you something different?

I’ve kept her phone, this is obviously a punishment to her but mainly I don’t want her on worrying about it and I want to see if she gets sent any messages. She handed it over without comment.

She’s definitely upset and embarrassed but I don’t think she needs a mental health assessment.

At some point counselling/therapy might be necessary (she has had this when she was much younger for anxiety) but for now she needs to feel safe and loved at home, not made to talk to another adult.

I don’t think there’s a risk of her being violent again, she feels terrible and shocked at herself.
I got my sister to come and get little ones purely so I could focus on her and so they didn’t see her upset not because I thought she would attack them.

OP can I say that you have been magnificent for your step daughter… I really wish you well.

Ditto.

Oh how awful, poor girl. How upsetting for her & you.

I had an experience when I was around 11/12 where all my 'friends' just stopped talking to me. Thank god there were no phones then.

Is there anyone her age not in her group you/she can think of that she can connect with? Or an old friend from primary school she can hang out with over the summer?

God, I know how she feels and thank goodness we didn't have phones all the way back in my day

I also didn't have anyone to talk to so she's lucky to have you.

When the dust has settled, take her out for a shopping trip, the two of you (not where she'll bump into those girls) and get her feeling better about herself

And if you can talk discreetly to that mum then I would.

So glad to read your update and that she has spoken to you, I for one think it is a good thing she exploded, (bear with me) although it came out all wrong and escalated she has shown you that to some degree you are a safe person for her.
If she had been wandering about all day on her own feeling upset and lonely she could just as easily have disappeared upstairs and you would be none the wiser, but the storm would still be brewing. As it is, you now have the opportunity to address the problems and have proved yourself to be reliable and trustworthy,
not just because her dad is there, or that he influences you in any way but because you do actually care and are able to “parent” her as well as your younger children.
Although it must have been a horrible experience for all of you, and very emotional, you now have the opportunity to build a better relationship and navigate her teenage years together.

Would you consider uninstalling and reinstalling WhatsApp? It will reinstall to the last backup. It sounds like she's hiding something. I'd be concerned about a few things and bullying isn't the worst.

OP you've handled this well. It's amazing that she can open up to you, even if it took her a while. I remember having similar feelings that my whole life was coming down around that age. I didn't understand anything, including myself and was utterly crippled by my own lack of confidence. The difference is that I didn't have anyone I felt I could talk to. It would have made such a difference. Ultimately of course my life wasn't falling apart and I made it through, as we do. Couldn't have imagined how though, at some points.

You need at this point to help build her back up. The friendship stuff is indeed devastating for her but all of this is so common at that age. Bitchy girl groups are something she's going to have to find a way to handle. They're a regular even in adult life. She has to learn to live with her own body too but that's not easy to do when it's changing and you don't recognise it or have any control over it. Her age is just not an easy time.

Obviously she shouldn't have hit you and knows she was wrong but you now have the opportunity to fix this. You can't wave a magic wand but you can let her know that you understand, you care and that you're on her side. It's probably worth having a word with the other mother you know but also work on things she can do outside of this friendship group. As others have said, take her shopping. Help her to deal with her body hair, if that's what she wants. Help to build her confidence because that's such a scarce commodity at her age. It's not all about the supposedly shallow stuff like appearance and friends though. You'll have to listen hard to her and read behind the words, to the stuff she doesn't know how to say. You sound perfectly capable of this though. She's in good hands.

Make sure her father understands all this as well as you do!

Clothes and body hair issues are easily fixed. We went to a couple of shops today and bought some basics. All her shorts were too tight, her bras were uncomfortable and she felt her underwear didn’t cover her properly. We also bought some hair removal cream (She has already been taught about shaving). I don’t believe that’s a reward, I thinks it’s basic care.

At some point in the summer when she’s fully calmed down we will go shopping properly and pick out some nice clothes.

We also needs to have some proper family talks about my role as her step mum and what she wants. Because dh is away often I always make an effort that when he’s back she gets lots of 1-1 time with him but to her this has felt like I can’t wait for him to get back so I can go out with my proper kids, that’s not the case I can make sure
I get equal 1-1 time with her too.

Little ones are talking and calling me mummy which is hard for her when she’s doesn’t call anyone that. They call her sissy and have no concept of step and she thinks at some point they’re going to realise she’s not their real sister.

She does have some out of school friends that we will arrange plans with and over wise try to keep her busy.

You genuinely are amazing, what a lucky wee girl to have a stepmum like you.