Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

Are you for real, @Skybluepinky? I've read tactless crap on here, but you're unbelievable. Try actually reading OP's posts.

Let her go for now, but keep the airways for communication open. Keep in touch with her even if you get no response. Your ex will possibly be bad mouthing you (mine did). Your DD will eventually come round, it could take a while though. It took my DS 4 years.

Women need to stop covering for mens despicable behaviour. Why on earth should OP not tell the truth?

This is awful @Feelslike0987 and you are right to feel deep sadness and loss.
The trick is going to be, you need to have those valid feelings in a way that doesn't bring them into your communication or connection with your DD.

Children are so often pulled to the parent they feel loves them the least and they are desperately trying for them to love them more. How do they do that? Being with them the most, rejecting the safe parent. He may also be using tactics like parental alienation. Likely he has less rules which aides into the whole idea of him being the 'better' parent.

My honest suggestion would be to go see a therapist who specialises in this as I think it's requires experience and training. And then start walking the very delicate line with your DD. Connection without correction or blame. Texts that are light and breezy and remind her that you are there for her always. "Hey X, hoping the first week of summer holidays has been wonderful. I know you've worked hard at school and hope you have lots of fun this summer". "Hey I was at the shops and saw one of those bracelets you love, I've popped it and a card in the post. Love you always, here anytime you want/need to talk.". Things that he can't use against you and that don't force her to face the truth - you were the parent that was there for her and he wasn't.

I imagine seeing the truth about who he is and wasn't as a father feels too much like a rejection so she's protecting herself. Is she neurodiverse? Often children who are neurodiverse are extra sensitive to this.

Please get help for yourself @Feelslike0987 you are clearly a loving Mum who is going through a very hard time. Remember this isn't about you. It's the perfect storm that she's currently still in. Take good care

I feel you OP. Please message me if you want to talk

my dd is 14. I found messages between her and her 16 year old boyfriend, who they’ve told everyone they were just friends and he didn’t talk to her at school (he’s just left)… very very sexual stuff. I asked her about it and she said she didn’t want to be saying the stuff and didn’t want him to make her do it. We fell out when I said no to a camping trip with them (while they were “friends”) and these messages came to light. Since then she won’t come home (she’s with my parents so safe!) and she won’t talk to me, answer texts etc. My parents allow this; I feel they should see it for what it is… a teenage strop. I’m thinking of mediation or going to court to make her come home

Like a PP said, keep being her mum. Be a rock. Show you’re patiently letting her do this and not going anywhere.

We realise more and more as we grow up.

No, the coldness comes from her dad, i'm the opposite and they both dislike it :( with him, its a control tactic. He only gets effusive when lovebombing or breadcrumbing :/

Ah, looks like my ex found the thread 🤣

If by ensuring she had a bed to sleep in (as he wasnt providing one when i left, having spent all my money on himself (he didnt work remember) is 'buying love' then guilty, your honour!

A lot of people seem to be missing the bit about me doing all the school runs, watching every last moment of her dance performances etc, buying all the gear, applying the make up myself, mucking out her pony. I wasnt absent!?

The things you've bought her are not relevant to her (at this age) only to you. That isn't what matters to kids in the grand scheme of things. Teenagers are generally selfish and lacking in appreciating all the things you do for them. They do come to realise it as they get older, eventually.

'Research shows that teenagers are much more likely to behave in a selfish way than adults. This is because the teenage years are all about individuation. Adolescence is a very self-absorbed period during which teenagers work on separating from their parents to become their own person.'

'DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was' You shouldn't be discussing the bad old days with your child. They don't want to hear it as it makes them feel conflicted in loyalties and who is telling the truth. This could be a reason why she wants to move in with dad if she feels you have lots of negative things to talk about, even if they are true.

Children of divorced parents often flop from house to house when they are teenagers. One month you are the bad guy the next it is him. They do grow out of it. Maybe a stint with her dad will make her realise where her bread is buttered.

'I’m thinking of mediation or going to court to make her come home.'

Whatever you do don't do that. She will NEVER forgive you and you will alienate yourself further.

Court can’t make her come home and you’ll do more damage if you try this.

my heart goes out to any loving parent who is being rejected by a child like this (including OP) it must be utterly horrendous, but you simply cannot force it when they all this age

WHAT!!
Read OP’s posts more carefully you npow!

This has to hurt like hell. I'm so sorry OP. You need to withdraw and protect yourself. I imagine she will mature and realise and get in touch in a less heated way one day.

If her Dad is really horrendous, as she matures, she will see this for herself and realise she was wrong to be so binary in her thoughts.

It will take a massive amount of time so be prepared for that.

My DH is estranged from his adult children. They just decided to drop us one day. They tried to steal some money whilst doing so and I would not allow that so I put myself in the role of the baddie of course which was by their design.

DH cried for a year. I thought it would kill him and it flared a cancer in him too. He was utterly heartbroken as he, like you, had given them everything and they had a storybook upbringing. They seem to have forgotten all that in their new world view. This all happened in 2016 so a long time ago now but it still hurts as we did nothing wrong.

At 13 years of age, your DD is only thinking about herself, she feels she is the centre of attention and being spoilt. A teenage girl thinks mum is wrong about everything and it feels like you are always arguing or disagreeing. Her dad is promising her the world and she doesn’t know he is using her to cause you pain. She doesn’t realise what kind of person he is but slowly and surely she will open her eyes and see how he treats his wife. How controlling he is and takes his frustrations out on everyone. There might be rows or tension in the house at times and as soon as he starts showing his true colours, letting her down and being nasty, she will want to come home to you. She has to learn this by herself, she put herself in this situation and she can get herself out too.
You don’t need to compete, you know your ex is abusive and you know you’ve done your best to bring her up, be patient and believe in yourself.

I'm so sorry OP this must be a very difficult time for you.
I wanted to message to share my own experience.

I did something similar to what your daughter has done and went to live with my dad at 14. He was / is a completely useless, neglectful and abusive dad and had been absent most of my life up until age 13. Then he appeared back in my life and like a previous poster has said about your daughter, I was desperate for father-daughter relationship.

You mention that Most real life advice has been 'cut the little brat off and move on!'
Please don't do this, this is what my mother did and was the worst thing to do and I felt the rejection from her for years afterwards. You don't mention if you have a partner or other children? In my case I had a stepdad who encouraged my mother to do this. This is not in your or your daughters best interest.

A pp also mentioned moving yourself into the larger bedroom, again please don't do this, your daughter needs to know that she still has a home with you and her room just is waiting for her just as she left it.

As others have said, keep the lines of communication open, invite her to family events and holidays etc. make sure she knows you are there for her when she is ready. And also look after yourself.
💐

Well done you Great mum

Op you have been a lovely mum and you do everything I am doing and try to do for my little boy who's dad is similar. This is my worst nightmare that my son will forget how lovely I've been and go to live with his horrible dad

Your ex is love bombing DD with promises and money, it’s a heady combination that as you know with your ex, it’s an act and doesn’t last long.
Your DD won’t have any qualms about leaving him to move back home once he gets fed up of being perfect dad and shows his true colours!

That’s tough. I’d avoid slating her dad (u never come out of that well) I’d keep communication open. Message her to say night/love you. Send little gifts, invite her for lunch/day out. You get to be the fun parent now without the responsibility. It’s not what you want but embrace it as an opportunity to stay connected with your child.

You said she thinks your full of shit about the old days , how does she know about them unless you've been telling her how awful her dad is and if that's true why would you? That's someone she loves. He may be a terrible partner but he's obviously doing something right as a dad as she has axhiid relationship with him .
All you can do is keep the communication open (without any judgement or bias)
What custody arrangements will be in place? When will you formally see her?

Ask her what she wants to do , perhaps she doesn't want to ride? Perhaps she wants to slob around the house baking biscuits?
Take the pressure off , keep the communication open and light
I'm so sorry op. This is horrible for you