Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

Oh I feel for you so much. My 13 year old chose to go and live with his neglectful father (different circumstances to yours though) and it damn near broke my heart. I had a breakdown and couldn't function properly through the shock and the hurt.

The only thing that helped was to throw myself wholeheartedly into working on myself- I felt selfish but 18 months later it was so the right thing to do- intense therapy twice a week for 6 months, now weekly, and tried to find things in my life that gave me joy in some way. I volunteer, I got a new job and a new circle of friends with it, found new places to walk my dog, etc.

Mine has recently come back to me and I'm so grateful. He's 15 now and had his eyes opened. I wish the same for you but in the meantime, focus on yourself.

Pretty much anything depending on your profession, work ethic and how you handle money.

Like others have said - let her know she is always wanted and welcome.

13 is a shit age, shes hormonal and working out where she is in the world. She'll come round

Chin up OP

What comes across is you sound very materialist... shes clearly not.

My mam was like this (I do love my mam).

My mam grew up poor in a single non working parent home with 5 siblings and was resentful. She worked hard very young (from the start of her teens) because she wanted it all and became a strong high flying career woman.

Unfortunately ill health took her ability to gain more from her but she already did enough to set us up for life. My deadbeat father walk when his cash cow stopped. She for lack of a better term then 'spoilt' me, I had the first and best and must have of everything. I think she felt guilty that she had ended up divorced and not working (everything she hated her own mother for).

While I had a fantastic childhood with my mother BECAUSE it became 100% better once she stopped working (always been conflicted over the fact her ill fortune was the best thing to happen to me). Before that she was a stranger, a generous one but it was all work work work not 'parenting'. After she retired though I had a mam again and that was worth more than any money could ever buy.

Me and my siblings grew up to have OPPOSITE views of our mam. Non of us care about 'careers' or money or material things. We all choose to prioritize family over jobs (even if that means being 'poor' which doesn't bother us at all). She never understood it but we just don't see money the way she did.

My father on the other hand was a worthless waste of space though, he left when I was a young child and I actively remember the neglect and abuse from back then (my earliest memories are of it, my mam doesn't have memories of it because she was out working). My mam sent me to live with him for a bit in my teens, certainly didn't fix stuff. He couldn't pretend to be nice for long.

However my grandmother (mams ex-MIL) who my mam always hated and didn't want me around her, in the end I grew quite close too, she did care about me even if her and mam didn't like each other.

Kids see the TRUTH, if he was abusive to her she will see that. At 13 running away is more about pulling away than taking sides, if hes what you say she'll come back. If he isn't abusive and this is issues between you and him she will see that too (same way I had a relationship with my grandmother). Kids have their own dependent thoughts, wants, morals.

Send her texts regularly but don't expect response back. Just things like 'Hope you are ok and having good weekend, love you x X'

Tell her she always has a home with you no matter what and repeat as often as possible.

Invite her out for food once a week or something.

She'll come around.

Thank you for sharing this, it's so helpful to hear stories like this

I'm so sorry, as others with experience have said, keep letting her know that you love her.

Yes, they come back. I promise ❤

Thank you so much for your message, you've made me cry again 🤣

Small pet? I took on my Nan's rescue cat 8 years ago, the only person it got on with was daughter - it became 'her' cat.
Her Dad's friend had a stray give birth to kittens in his house. He told her to choose a kitten! I ended up with the most beautiful blue eyed tiny 3 week old black and white little girl...
Guess what? Her penis popped out and he long haired and is bigger than most small dogs 🤣 I love him so much! But all expense on me, when we've holidayed I've had to organise someone to sit... Never Dad's problem 🙄

She was my life - my daughter, not cats. She still is. I try and think that the plans were for her to leave for Uni at 18, but the fact that her Dad hasn't parented enough to ensure she has a 6th form place riles me.

I have somewhere I could holiday alone. Over Christmas probably, as I have a big birthday then. It's somewhere we always went together though. She'd read flight times and directions at airport as my eyesight is shocking! She'd film me being an idiot - she'd been sending memories all last week. She'd teach me Spanish.
Planes, trains and automobiles... That was us. Always on a budget. Always fun.

I miss her so, so much.

You can't buy her affection.

She knows where you are, give it time.

I have somewhere I could holiday alone. Over Christmas probably, as I have a big birthday then. It's somewhere we always went together though. She'd read flight times and directions at airport as my eyesight is shocking! She'd film me being an idiot - she'd been sending memories all last week. She'd teach me Spanish.
Planes, trains and automobiles... That was us. Always on a budget. Always fun.

You need to keep reminding here of these fun times. Ask her to go with you.

Just keep contact. Don't push too hard for anything. Just be there. Ask her questions about her day.

I'm in this "club" too. My two daughters chose to go and live with their Dad (Who had been coercive and controlling to me - but not violent) when they were 13/15.

You are right that it feels like they have died - what you are feeling is grief - the grief of the relationship with your DD. At times it felt like I wanted to end my life - I was diagnosed with a kind of PTSD. My whole persona as a Mum seemed to disappear overnight. It's a very very hard thing to have to go through. I agree with other posts - try to look after yourself do things that bring you joy. Try talking to a counsellor. Lean on your friends. Just talking about your feelings can help.

They don't always come back. Mine are young adults now and still live with their Dad - but I do now have a decent relationship with them - they now allow me to "help" with things like applying for Uni - jobs, Dr's appt's things like that and also we go on holiday together, They come round for Sunday dinners etc. but for a long time they rejected me at every opportunity.

@Feelslike0987 Keep communicating with her - text - call - write letters whatever works for you - but don't go overboard. If you dont normally text every day for example - don't suddenly start doing that now. Just keep texting or calling even when you dont get a reply. Keep in contact with her school if you can - see if she can get to speak to a counsellor at school. You can still parent to a certain extent - but it will be at arms length which is hard and will feel not enough - but it's something.

This happened to me. It was the worst experience of my life. Please DM me if it helps.

It’s not about buying her affection but about keeping the connection strong. Texting, phone calls and visits do that and so do thoughtful gifts. They don’t have to be expensive and even small things like nice chocolate, a book, a t shirt can keep that connection strong.
The most important thing is positive caring interaction because teenagers are moody and over sensitive.

There was abuse involved. I left because he neglected her, she was actively beginning to suffer. I was diminished by him and left as an example to her, to SHOW its not acceptable to use women as slaves or neglect your kids.

Eta - i definitely overcompensated to make up for the shitty first 6 years, yes. I wanted to show how life is good if you work hard.

Right now your daughter wants to believe her father is the good guy and to make that narrative work you become the bad guy. She is a young teenager and they can be very black and white in their thinking. She will grow and mature and will learn that life isn’t so simple.

Keep trying with her OP and don’t go down the blame /anger route towards him/her if you want to recover your relationship.

Op- you’re obv in pain but three things have jumped out to me on your posts.
talk of her being spoiled and you working so hard to provide material things/talk of gifts. I hope you know, she needs you to respect her growing autonomy and hear her, not things
Who the fuck is telling you she’s a brat and cut her off in real life? What are you saying to those people in order for them to frame it like that? I find this shocking to be honest.
somebody has commented that their own son died aged 22 and you haven’t acknowledged this to her, I know you are in a lot of pain but she is not dead and you are not having to deal with that unbelievable level of trauma, I find this really deeply insensitive of you, regardless of your pain

Little red flags, as I suggested or another thread last night, if I was you, I would find a DDP family therapist who would work just with you probably to help you be more attuned.

They are crazy - of course you don't cut off your daughter. Different but similar - had a half brother who was that age when we lost our joint father and his mother alienated him from us. Took a decade of gently keeping the door open but now we have a good relationship and i am still careful to never criticise his mother to him / have never held that decade against him. Do whatever you can to keep contact in a non judgemental and open manner and make it clear she is always welcome at yours whenever she wants - maybe invite her on days out for her birthday or similar so you can enjoy time together - but keep it light and if she doesn't want to this time don't worry, just try again. In the meantime, go see a counsellor for your grief so it doesn't consume and damage you too much. Life is long and this may feel awful but its not permanent.

OP you did so well for leaving the abusive relationship. But you are right: the pony and holidays don't matter. You haven't talked about how you provided for her emotionally. In the end that is what matters. I have no idea about all the circumstances, but would advise you too to not make it about you in front of her. And if she ever comes back and says something do not be defensive. Take her point on board. Apologise if need be even if you feel you have nothing to be sorry about (red flag if you think that). The worst you could do is hold over her head how hard you worked and how good you think she had it and deny whatever she says.

Facts are she lived in an abusive household for at least six years. Six important years and it will have done something with her. If she comes back open yourself up to her world, how she sees things. You don't have to adopt her views but you have to be accountable for some things.

Not saying this to blame you or maybe you feel shit. I'm saying it because these are the mistakes parents make when children leave and it is what keeps them from coming back.

Just remember you’re playing the long game here.
Teenagers are mad as a box of frogs and selfish as hell.
Be the stability in her life, there in the background for now, her refuge.
The wool will fall from her eyes eventually and you can bet while she’s living there, she’ll be asking dad why the marriage failed.

If he is as you say he is, that wil grate! And open the eyes of his new wife. He won’t want his image tarnished by constant questions about a prior marriage. She’s the cuckoo in the nest in that house.
You are her stability so you will have been treated worse. She felt safe in doing that.

So many people on this thread proving that the kind of misogyny operating in the OP's life is alive and thriving on here.

OP, you have an absolute right to feel devastated. You're a real, whole person and your feelings matter.

OP what has your daughter communicated about contact with you? If she says for example she doesn't want any contact and doesn't want to hear from you I would advise not to send gifts. It would be crossing a boundary she has set and you need to respect it. There is no good coming from her feeling you aren't taking her seriously and ignoring her wishes. It will keep her away.

She's for some reason angry and detached. And I know she's still a teenager and this has happened suddenly. I would try and communicate that you are open to hear her out (and then do) if she's ready and leave it. It sounds like you are able to do this as you have with her question on why you split with her dad. Be factual and vulnerable. Say that you did what you thought was right but that it was still difficult for your daughter. Or say you should have some things differently if you feel so. Just don't be defensive and dismissive.

Not much advice to add but I completely understand why you feel hurt. Keep communication open and wait but take this time to focus on yourself.

Your ex will get fed up of a moody teenager, he’s not used to it and after a while the joy of sticking it to his ex will wane.

You’ve spent years putting your money and spare time/energy into your daughter now is good time to start thinking about your needs. Regardless of how long your daughter spends at her fathers she is growing up and will leave home and you need to build a life for you as well.

I would do as others have said and constantly work on keeping the lines of communication open. Every single day send her a message, even just a cutesy Insta reel on the 'I love my daughter she's the best' or a pony video or just a 'saw this and thought of you' message. Every single day. Keep that line of communication open, even if it's one sided at the moment. If she ignores them, she ignores them, but they are there for her to see if she wants to and she knows her mother is there, loving her and waiting for her.

Also, do try to do things for yourself and treat yourself gently as it's an awful situation for you 💐

This hurts i know. It probably is her age. Hopefully in a couple of years she'll come round. She could also be a shitty person like her Dad. Sounds harsh but my brother is horrid like my dad.