Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

OP I'm sorry for your pain.

I don't have advice other than for you to ask for this to me moved to Relationships where you'll get more conversation.

@Feelslike0987

"She may as well have died."

"Do they come back?"

Keep the lines of communication open, without blame.

Please, please don't make it about you.

When you are a child of divorced parents, you need both your parents, even if one of them is shit. She has you and knows it, even if she is being shit and taking you for granted, now she needs to secure her relationship with her father.

The more you see it as her going through a process that she needs to go through for herself the easier it will be for her to maintain a good relationship with her while she does it.

Reach out to her, but in a positive way. Suggest going out together and doing something fun. Be positive about her and her developing her relationship with her dad. Give her time.

I’m sorry OP I can see why that is so difficult for you.

Yes they do. Hard to believe now, but they do. I had this for a couple of years, and then the scales fell off.
What I did was go round there every single month, knock on the door and ignore the ‘she doesn’t want to see you’ and the ‘what do you want? leave me alone!’ (he got her a new phone on the condition that she changes her number and she doesn’t tell me the new number). I never ceased contact. I brought her some favourite sweets, some new socks, books, bits I knew she’d like. I continued to invite her on holidays with me, even though I knew she’d say no. Basically I ignored the fact that she left and continued to be her mum. One day it was really hot when I went round there and she was sweating, I asked if she’d like to go to the corner shop with me for a cold drink. Then I asked her if she’s eaten and I took her out for lunch. It all changed from that day, she had the safe space to sat she made a mistake.
I am traumatised by this to this day. Of all the things that happened to me in my entire life, this was the worst. We are very close now, she’s an adult and I am genuinely the most important person in her life.
It’s hell, but you’ll get through it, don’t give up on her.
Edit to say I will never forgive her dad for this, ever.

Op just try to ensure you keep communicating. All I can say is from having quite a difficult older daughter is that ages 13 to 19 (in her case ) were awful) she blamed me for everything. Now she is 25 and texts me 10 times a day and gives me advice! It can seem like you have two different children. Just wait it out and make sure you are there for her.

Maybe your ex has been bad mouthing you. You could try being direct and honest and asking her why she is this way? If your ex wasn't around, would she be any different?

Oh, OP. That must hurt so deeply.
can you find a therapist? I’m just thinking it might help to talk it out, not just have to keep experiencing it. Having a neutral listening ear might help you ride this out. And yes, in time, things will change. Give it time. And maybe use this time to do some healing, because she may need you when she realizes what her dad is really like.

Well I have been through the pain of actually losing my 22 year old son in an accident 3 years ago and he won’t be coming back, I’m not offended by you saying it’s like your daughter has died btw because I can see how much pain you are in but it’s not the same.
Teenage girls can be tricky and my mum left my dad when I was 12 and I felt like it ruined my life and I put my mum through shit for years because of course the world revolved around me as a teenage girl. Your daughter doesn’t hate you and if her dad has just come into some money then that is probably swaying her decision to live with him as he can probably throw money at her and if he was as abusive as you say then it’s not far fetched to think he might have made it sound like she would be better off with him.
I have apologised to my mum for my teenage years and I can’t believe I treated her like shit but I didn’t (quite rightly) have all the information that led her to leave my dad.
Dont be too hard on yourself and I hope things work out x

My teen 16 year old DS wanted to live with his Dad after we divorced. I know why. His Dad had no rules. He was allowed to game as much as he wanted even all night. Within 6 weeks of his living with his Dad he dropped out of college and I was not told until 5 weeks later. His Dad fed him exclusively on takeaways and junk food. I cried because exh poisoned DS against me. Eventually exh found new partner and went to live with her making DS homeless at 17 1/2. By this time DS had lost all of his friends as had been living in back of nowhere and his Dad had hardly brought him to town despite promising he'd take him whenever DS wanted. DS became clinically depressed. One day I got a call out of the blue asking if he could come back to live with me. It was 16 months after he'd left. I told him I'd love him back living with me but in my house there were rules he'd have to follow. 1. He'd have to go back to college or get a job. Staying home doing nothing wasn't an option. 2. He'd have to be up for 9 weekdays and 10 at weekends and bed weekdays was 11 and 12 at weekends unless he was going somewhere specific. 3. He'd have to do some chores. 4. He couldn't spend all day holed up in his room. He agreed to rules. It was lovely having him back. Within 3 months the depression had all but gone. He was back in touch with his friends. He got a job with an agency then eventually a permanent job. He seemed more himself and was happier again. I worried about him every day he was living at his Dad's house.I have never forgiven his Dad for using our DS to punish and hurt me. DS very rarely sees DS anymore. I am so thankful exh abandoned him to go to live with his new gf. I dread to think where DS would be now if he'd stayed with his Dad. DS has gone on to buy his own home, has a lovely gf and a cat.

One thing that leaped our at me was the sentence about your DD not believing what you say about her father. You shouldn't be badmouthing her own father like this. Can't you see how this is going to be upsetting for her?

Dad’s in this kind of scenario, like my Ex, always make it more attractive by being the fun merchant, fewer rules, and spoiling kids. Unfortunately you have no choice but to let her get on. Can you have your alternate weekend with her wherein you do lovely mummy / daughter things (but NOT lots of gifting), then let her go back - and while she’s there with him try to enjoy your free space and time? I really feel your pain.
Teens are also terrorists and thoughtless. My DD can be horrible as hell and will tell anyone who cares to give her airtime how much she hates me. I really do feel it’s standard fare, though difficult to swallow as you know how childish they still are

So this was your main takeaway? From the level of pain you have read…. Op is allowed to be truthful about his lack of input in the earlier years.

How awful for you. It sounds like you've always put her first. Now it's time to put you first. Buy the house you want, do the job you want, have the bedroom you want. Keep the lines of communication opens but start living your life. Always suppressing your wants and desires has not worked you are allowed feelings and emotions. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

Be happy and supportive of her even though your heart is breaking.
Try to take her out for things she really loves and keep everything lighthearted and fun.
Make sure she knows you’re there for her - don’t complain about the situation or her Dad.
Don’t ask about her life with him, keep it separate from your relationship with her.
This has happened to some of my friends and the daughters have all gone back to their Mum.
Hope all works out for you, keep busy with your career, hobbies etc, don’t let it ruin your life.

I'm sorry, that's really hurtful to go through. She will soon find out the grass isn't greener though.

I too would see it as a temporary teenage blip and kerp contacting her even if she doesn’t contact you back. Message her. Knock on the door once a month with thoughtful gifts. Remind her how much you have always lovec her. Take her out if she allows it.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Look after you. A few days away. Find time for friends and fun. See a counsellor and try to stay calm and happy. She will come back. You are the ‘safe’ parent, she knows you are there for her. Let her use her autonomy and don’t take it personally. You know you did all you could.

I dont, but things came to a head a few years ago because she was literally blaming me for the break up - whats wrong with daddy why did you do this etc etc so i had to be truthful. I put it in as plain and factual terms as i could. Its me that stayed in the area to facilitate their relationship, i wanted to go back to my mum's but i thought it would be wrong long term. I had to tread a line between giving contact at weekends and holidays but not letting the neglect and miserable attitude creep in in his pre-wife days.

He wont speak to me ever (think he is terrified of new wife learning about past actions...) so i have no idea what he says.

Thanks all, really helpful and needed this today. Most real life advice has been 'cut the little brat off and move on!' But my instinct was to keep trying, buy gifts etc, even though i want to just lie in bed and cry!

Keep calm, keep communicating.

This too shall pass

I feel so sad for you @Feelslike0987 I can imagine how painful and empty it must feel for you right now.

I have a friend whose daughter lives with her but despite dad being an utter waste of space (cheated, selfish and utter man-child) the daughter still worships him and is super critical and mean towards her mum. I am always reassuring my friend that this will change. She will see the truth one day, she’s just got to bloody grow up!

Same here, just keep being you, keep being your wonderful self, keep up the lines of communication, send her small thoughtful gifts. It will be a painful time but I’m sure she will return to you! And don’t listen to those saying cut her off, she’s your child and still just a child.

💐💐💐

So sorry for the loss of your son

@Feelslike0987 I have no advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am to read this. I am divorced too and have always shouldered a huge proportion of the grunt work since mine were tiny when their father left, and I can very much understand how many complex emotions you must feel. As a parent of course we have to allow our children to grow and build, including pursue a different relationship with their other parent. But that does not make your own feelings less valid, and it must be incredibly painful for you. I hope you can find some peace with it. Trite but have you considered a new hobby ? I always find keeping busy and reinventing is important for own worth in these kind of situations

Agh op this happened to me except ex bribed, coerced and encouraged dd to stay with him and build a codependent relationship where she clearly struggled to be away from him even for short periods. These men are unhinged! For me I needed the police to remove her in the end as it transpired he was giving her drugs 😣 she was 13!

I’ve had her back 8 months, she is back to her old self now pretty much and recovering but it was a tough slog. Keep being there, keep doing what you’re doing and she’ll make her way back eventually. It’s awful though op, feeling powerless. The damage these unhinged men do needs challenged on a bigger scale, evil!

@BuddhaAtSea· Today 06:28

I'm so pleased for you both, this could be the way forward for @Feelslike0987