Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

I was horrible, disgustingly so to my mother between ages of 13 and 15. I am ashamed of the things I said and did.
My dad was absent between those ages and I took it upon myself to be an absolute nightmare. Drinking, sneaking out, being horrible and saying horrible things to my family.
As I matured I grew out of it, I saw things for what they really were and grew to have a very different opinion of everything.
My mum remained there, for me whenever I did need her and I eventually grew to have a stronger relationship with my mum than my dad when he returned.
Hang in there, she will grow too. If you keep things as good as you can. Relaise that she is not fully grown, can not see things as they are yet. She has a warped immature view of things and needs time to grow.

My experience is very similar to yours @StrawberryJangle . But I'm 7 years in and no change.

To be blunt, we have to move on.

I grieve for what was, and what will never be, but I still have a life to live. And I'm not allowing anyone to rob me of any more joy.

I won't move home, I keep my numbers and emails, I'm available for any contact. But as it's not wanted at the moment, I refuse to mope.

Be strong. Be happy in your own skin.

Technical sales. I have ruthlessly jobhopped and asked for higher wages each time, plus you can earn big bonuses, sometimes uncapped. I keep on top of all industry developments and do all CPD available.

I grew up poor and yes, want better opportunities for DD. I try to find the balance though, hence takong the wfh jobs so i could be there every day, being the one taking her to school, cooking her meals, cheering her on at clubs. I'd have rather been a SAHM but that wasnt an option, so did what i could 🤷‍♀️

Sorry i'm on a course today and just trying to keep up - fully intend to have the title changed and yes, it was wrong of me.

Tbh, everyone i speak to says the cutting off thing, friends and family. As though i can just DROP my daughter and replace her with glasses of wine or a chihuahua 🤨 Thats why i was so upset and came on here, i thought i cant be that out of step?

Everyone said that to me too. "Stop doing so much". "Stop giving them spending money and they'll soon be back". "You've spoilt them, they're selfish little arseholes". It's made me realise I can't ask any of my friends for advice on this. They don't understand, which isn't their fault.

You aren’t. It’s very clear she hasn’t died but that’s how you FEEL. Honestly you can’t say anything on here anymore.

I have reported my own post to edit title thread but it says the servers are down

You're definitely doing the right thing looking for alternative viewpoints if your friends are being so cold!

I wonder if that coldness has become part of the culture of how you live, you mention DD is standoffish. Do you think you’re like that too?

I’m wondering whether, in your drive to care for and pay for your child, you find it hard to find the time/energy to actually engage with her as a person. I don’t mean doing things for her like cooking and driving, I mean things together like chatting or going for a walk.

Either way I’m sure your daughter would benefit from knowing that you love her and you miss her and you want her to come home. Are you booked in to see her? Send her a nice voicenote or a card, just open up like you have here. Even if it doesn’t have her bouncing back home right away it will do her good.

Ah op that is really shit, I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to sympathise with you. Hopefully she will eventually realise what is going on. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this. If she was living with you and having weekends with Dad... now she lives with Dad she should have weekends with you. Surely at least once a fortnight. If Dad isn't going to be supportive, go to court now to secure a set arrangement. That will take time. In the meantime keep communication open. Ask to see her to go our for dinner, to the movies, let her know you love her and miss her. I hope you have have lots of meaningful contact over the next few years. But even if it's a tough few years, she will eventually be an adult and will come back to you... if you leave the door open and especially if you actively and consistently seek her out.

Just to say could you wave them off and make sure he knows how happy you are they are getting to know their father.

Big smiles just for him now he is stepping up as a father (just to make sure you haven’t given him what he wants)

You know he doesn’t really want to play house with his DD’s he just wants to hurt you. If he thinks you aren’t hurt by the results you will probably find your DD’s back with you in no time

So sad but you have learnt a life lesson you can’t buy someone, she prefers her dad that was never going to change, you just showed her that you were so desperate to be the favourite that any respect she had for you was wasted.

It’s so hard. And it’s very unfair. And very hard to accept. But you have to and meet her on her terms or lose her altogether. They don’t ’always Come back’. But you owe it you yourself to not lose yourself in the process of losing her. You have to make the life you want now, and jsut make sure she feels like she can be part of it if she wants. If not, up to her, sad as it is .

I just think you have to let her get on with it and make her own mind up.

Personally I’m not close with my mum and she probably would say the same things as you - in that she worked hard, sacrificed things as she was the breadwinner, can’t understand why I don’t like her etc, can’t understand why I didn’t believe her about my dad (my parents are still together though).

I think from my point of view, your mum just isn’t a replacement for your dad. She has a different relationship with him and that’s okay. She needs to make her own mind up about what he’s like. It is awkward when one parent is disparaging about the other, especially when it feels like everyone in school has perfect family relationships/units and then there’s you with issues. You might not intend it, but that kind of thing is manipulative as you are colouring her view of things when she’s at an age that she actively wants to be close to her dad. So that’s making her withdraw from you.

Personally my mum was always quite strict and wasn’t really present in my life as she was busy with work, and to be honest I don’t really remember the material things she could afford so I probably didn’t really see them as meaningful. Your daughter might feel similarly.

My dbro left my ex-SIL when my niece was two. He was a dreadful parent.

ex-SIL has never critised him and facilitated access (within reason) when he deemed to make himself available. It was the best thing for her dd.

Niece worked out what type of man her dad was all by herself, they don't usually need any help.

Sounds like you have overly burdened your dd with your relationship issues, she is only 13, a child, she doesn't understand the complexities of relationships or that your relationship with her dad is entirely separate to her relationship with him. She probably feels she has to "pick sides" now and is very confused.

Keep the lines of communication for your relationship with her open. Perhaps apologise for laying that on her and how it is separate from your relationship with her, perhaps acknowledge your take was was one sided through sadness as you wish it had worked out for you all as a family, how both her dad and you are very different people now and it was best for both of you to split as you were toxic when together and that happens sometimes in adult relationships, without being negative or placing blame anywhere specifically.

Keep the discussions of who is to blame and frustration of your exes part in your split to adult family/friends for support. Your child does not need to hear it, it is not in their best interests.

Completely agree with @Driftingawaynow

Either the people in your life are heartless and have zero emtional intelligence or you are framing it in a way that makes her sound horendous. In fact, either way, the people in your life have zero emotional imtelligence if they thing the way to deal with a struggling teen is to cut them out.

I think therapy might be an option for you. You may not think you are bad mouthing your ex but your daughter will feel it, even if it's subtle and despite his abuse she may see it that way yet.

Also your own scarcity trauma is clouding what a what your child needs. Emotional wealth is not the same as material wealth.

It's also important to say that you tried your absolute best and brought what you could. it's important to remember that and be proud of what you were able to achieve. Just because it wasn't perfect doesn't mean it wasn't worthy.

This - though with family there can also be some upset that you are hurting and they are angry and annoyed they can't fix it.

Dsis was lucky her ex wouldn't have had niece - new DP and kids - but she had to deal with her thinking sun shone out of his arse when he did next to nothing. It was much later in teen years neices eyes opened.

One of my Mum friends had this out the blue with a settled 13 year old -- a huge move to another part of UK as well. Luckily her eldest was close to the extended family and her parents got to bottom of it - which was huge emotional blackmail from Dad and Step Mum - apparently in reponse to increase CPS payments being asked - obviously amout they paid wouldn't cover a child living with them. I was staggered by it all as was friend as they's be ammicable up to that point.

Another Mum friend had it happen with abusive ex and 10 year old son - he was unhappy at school and with younger half siblings - dad refused to return him after court ordered vist. Her parents sided with ex - depsite the dometic violence being on record via convictions. Given age she ran up huge bills with courts and solitors nothing change. Five years later she emigrated to Spain with second DH and younger kids - we moved shortly afterwards so lost touch.

Best advice I think is to keep communication open and unpressured as possible and focus on you - which is bloody hard in practise I image.

Make sure social media shows you living your best life, even if you have to grit your teeth and fake it. Holidays, theatre, spa ...

Your ex will hate the fact that you now have the freedom to do all this; it might change his desire to keep hold of her because, in his twisted world view, you will be enjoying all this at the expense of his freedom.

And also because your grief would be blood in the water to him - proof of his victory, proof of your weakness, an attitude that he could transmit to your impressionable dd.

I'm appalled that people are advising you to cut her off, OP! What vile people. She's thirteen and has two parents. By their logic, would it be okay for her dad to cut her off because she's lived with you until now? Kids of divorced parents really do get screwed over in so many ways.

Is it likely that your ex and his new wife will have kids, OP? Because I've seen that be a bit of a turning point ...

I'm so sorry OP. I was another teenager who was pretty awful with my mum when young but now see how much my parents did for me. Teenagers do mature and I do think this is a phase. The advice here is excellent so please just be there for her.

I am not minimising this as I also worry about this with my child who is very young. I left my abusive partner who is exactly the kind of person who would try to alienate my child from me. He does nothing at all, either practically or financially but our child adores him 🙁I worry about the future.

She prefers her dad’s new money

Hi @Feelslike0987
I'm sorry that this is happening - I understand why you are so devastated!
Just wanted to share something as briefly as I can: my birth father was an absolute twat, and left us when we were young. There was very sporadic contact over my childhood, but at 14ish I suddenly became obsessed with him. When I was allowed at his house he would let me do what I want, he would listen to my (hormonal, teenage) rants about my mother and step-father, and would validate the ridiculous things I said, and bad mouth them both with me. This was during a difficult stage of my relationship with them (just normal teenage stuff, though) so I took everything he said as gospel and put him on a pedestal. Looking back I understand it was all just a continuation of his emotional abuse.

He continued being a shit father, and a shit person, and eventually in my late teens I started to see that. I started to question him, the things he said, and the things he did. Eventually, myself and my younger sister cut all contact completely. It was hard as I felt immense guilt, but 2 decades on and I have a wonderful relationship with my Mam and step-Dad (on fact, I call him Dad!) and my birth father is a lonely old man, rotting away with his thoughts. Karma really is a bitch!

Apologies - that wasn't as succinct as I'd hoped! All that to say - this will take time. And it will be hard. But it WILL work out. As your daughter matures she will see right through his piggish and abusive behaviour, and she will be able to make the right decisions. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, as you want your baby back NOW. Try not to bombard her, but please, please don't "cut her off". That's appalling advice!! All you can do is continue to show her love, kindness and compassion. You don't need to buy her love, you just need to be there when she's ready to be back in touch.
Hang on in there, love. Life has a funny way of working everything out in the end. Sending you love and strength. X

I know it’s horrible and painful for you, but I don’t think she’s rejecting you as such. She’s just a little girl who is desperate for her dad to love her. It’s easier for her to blame you for not being a good wife and for chasing him away, because the alternative is her understanding that he just didn’t love her enough to be a good man. And more than any else in the world, she wants him to be a good man who would have been a wonderful dad to her, if only it had been possible.

And you’re mum; her constant. The one who is always there, no matter what. No matter how badly she behaves or how obnoxious she is; she knows she can do any or say anything or push you away to chase after her dad, and you’ll always be there. You’ve given her that sense of security. And that’s why she has pushed you away; because she has a chance of having a dad who loves her, while knowing you’re still there in the background.

My advice to you would be to keep on contacting her. Send her texts telling her something funny that has happened. Ask her if she wants to meet up with you for a hot chocolate after school. Send her a photo of something you’re doing and tell her you were thinking of her. Just little things. You don’t need to buy her expensive things. You just need to be there in the background.

She’ll find her way back to you. It might take a while, but she’ll get there.