Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

I’m so sorry you lost your son.

My DD’s father was abusive and started badmouthing me to DD as soon as I managed to get away from him. She was 2. It was very effective because he was her favourite person, probably still is.

I haven't experienced this as you have, but my sister did the same thing as your daughter has. I really did feel like she'd died, but was also angry at the betrayal. My mum was distraught.

Looking back, she didn't know what her father had been like to live with or how much strength it had taken for mum to get us all away from him, and somehow put to one side the way he'd ignored her for years.

But he hadn't changed and when she realised she couldn't trust him, he only thought of himself and didn't really want her, despite virtually cutting us off for about 8 months, she knew it was safe to tell mum, ask for help and come home.

Stay strong. She's always needed you and still does.

Teens rebel and like to learn for themselves, it feels like you’ve been abandoned but you need to look at it from her point of view and adjust your thinking.
You are the one who has her best interests at heart, you are the one guiding her, disciplining her and you are Mum. You are not fun!
Growing up when she has seen her dad, she senses tension between you both, I’m sure he has been making himself the victim regarding your split, she has put him on a pedestal. He’s come into money and she can’t resist being bought, very soon cracks will appear, the honeymoon period will be over. She will start to notice he isn’t that nice to his new woman, he will get fed up of hiding his true nature. He views this as a popularity contest but like all games, he will tire of it and once she learns by herself, she will want to come home.
You need to start being confident that your ex will drive DD away with his controlling ways. You need any communication between you and DD to be loving and understanding, no asking her about education or trying to make sure she is on the straight and narrow. You understand that she wants to live with her dad, you’ve brought her up on your own for 7 years and it’s only fair your ex gets to do it too. There is no need to feel guilty over not living with you, yes your getting used to having your own time and have started a hobby that you enjoy or getting a dog as you will enjoy the walks together, getting fitter and a lovely companion. You will be totally fine on your own, as after all, every parent knows one day their child will fly the nest and she has your love and blessings.
You getting your own life will take the fun out of rebelling and also your ex will find his control over your happiness isn’t working, his popularity contest doesn’t feel like a victory anymore.
Your daughter has a secure attachment to you, she knows no matter what, that you will always love her and she can come home whenever she wants. Giving her your blessing to live with her dad, to find out for herself what he really is like, is as important as when she first started taking her first steps. Your ex’s gf will never be Mum, your daughter loves you and that is not going to ever change. ❤️

My parents divorced (very nasty divorce) when I was young. Through my teens and early 20’s I had periods of cutting one or the other off completely.

The thing is, as a child/teen, you don’t want to have to choose. You want your parents to be together. You don’t care whose fault the split was. You just think it’s unfair that you’re in the middle and you don’t have this perfect family set up that you see so many of your friends having.

Give it time, she will come back, and then it may happen all over again. It’s not your fault, it’s not hers either.

In General, people who hear about your problems just want your problems to disappear so that they can go back to talking about fun stuff, or about themselves.

So the advice you’ll often get when you are sad is basically “stop being sad” so that you can stop talking about it. In this case whoever gave you that advice just wants you to stop caring about your daughter, which is obviously not going to happen.

I think therapy might be a good space for you to talk through all of your feelings, without that pressure to just be quiet and move on (and without the viciousness of keyboard warriors ripping apart your past).

Keep communication open but don’t let her walk all over you.

My DB was like this, my father could do no wrong. Our mum is far from perfect but she did a lot more than he ever did. Eventually when he was 13 or 14 things got to a breaking point and he went to live with my father.

It lasted a few months, Christmas eve he messaged my mum asking if he could come home and that was it.

All the advice to cut her off is very wrong, your DD has not gone to live with her dad because she doesn’t love you. She loves being bought as most teens would, she wants to get to know her dad better and it’s a learning curve for her. Keep up communication but don’t buy gifts as your ex is doing that, you will be trying to buy her loyalty through buying her things, don’t get sucked into competing. She needs to feel you love her in spite of her living with her dad, she needs to feel secure in your love for her!
Let her go with your blessing, let her find out the truth by herself, be secure in the love between you and use this time to yourself to do things for yourself. One day your DD will go off to Uni so make a start to do things you enjoy, declutter, decorate the house, take up running, yoga or painting, get a companion dog for yourself, or join a walking group.

I get the impression that the people saying cut the little brat off and move on! are people who know the relationship between mother and daughter and have far more insight into what is going on. Having a friend in a similar position for 9 months no one said her child was a brat and to just cut him off because he really wasn’t a brat.

Whilst Feelslike0987 admits* that she over compensated *with presents instead of time I wonder if now the daughter sees love/time as monetary.

The timing of the father’s inheritance with the daughter moving in with her dad speaks volumes.
I wonder if Feelslike0987 announced she had won the lottery the daughter wouldn’t drop her dad like a stone and come running straight back.

I wonder how long dd will stay with her father after the inheritance has dried up

It’s something that needs to be thought about before welcoming dd home. Might be hard but could be a lesson your dd needs to learn that you can see right through her

You say "she's always been very cold and standoffish" so maybe it's not just her being a teenager?

I would definitely keep the lines of communication open but without making a huge effort and certainly not buy buying gifts - you have gone over and above for her all her life, she clearly has no appreciation for what you give her and may even accuse you of trying to 'buy her back'. Keep in touch with Whatsapp messages or whatever but forget about gifts.

Let her come to you perhaps, give her time to miss you. You won't get her back by chasing her.

This all sounds incredibly painful. You need to look after yourself right now too.

I agree re keeping lines of communication open. Send birthday/Christmas cards and gifts accepting there will probably be no thanks. Text weekly asking about her week, invite her to for eg the cinema or a day at the coast/theme park or a holiday.
Whilst you may receive no replies or even be blocked on her phone, persevere.
It might take a few years but your determination to show your love for her will work.
She will come back, could be years but could be months.
It is hard, it’s a slog but will be worth it.

Im so sorry to read this. this must be so incredibly tough.
My dcs still live with me but choose to spend the vast majority of their time with their dad. we've been separated almost 2 years. It hurts so much and i still get to see my dc.
Like you im the one that has done everything for them since birth and still do. Dad did very little but was fun dad as he wasn't shouldered with any responsibility as I dealt with every aspect of the dcs care, every night feed as babies, schooling, appointments, doctors, dentists, buying clothing, shoes. all life admin, everything!
I feel invisible to my dc and im only here to feed them and do the boring stuff.
I ask if we can do something together, a trip out, or even just a dog walk but I get a no whereas they jump at the chance to do anything with their dad. and it can often be the same thing as ive suggested.
It really hurts. every single night im sat alone as they're round at dads who lives close by.
they come home and go straight to bed. I never see them. they nip home for meals then go straight back to his. im here alone doing their washing and ironing etc.
its tough. im actually waiting for the day they tell me they're moving in permanently with dad.

I made a post about this recently. My DDs are 13 and 11. I am being helped by Women's Aid and a local domestic abuse charity for recent post-separation abuse and stalking. We split almost 11yrs ago and he's still awful to me. We went ro court last year and it didn't go as he planned so he's ramped it up - air tags in the girls' coats etc. As soon as I started sticking up for myself and taking control of the situation - DDs (who he couldn't be bothered with before) have decided they want to live with their dad because of "how I speak to them". It came out of the blue to me.

I had thought this was because I'm autistic and quite blunt but after recently reading his court statements, their dad is saying I'm abusive to them. This is categorically not true. Even the cafcass officer has seen through this and says that he has said I'm abusive "for reasons he is not clear about". They have noted there are no concerns but still - my children are insistent they want to go and live with him. I think it's because he is making them choose sides and it's easier to hurt my feelings because I don't make them do that. In the past year he's gotten them to write letters saying they want to live at his 3 times! The court dismissed each one and told him not to do this as he's causing them inner turmoil. He just ignores the instruction - he's litigating for himself so has nobody to advise him to STFU.

I've tried mediation, which I'm not obliged to do because of how he is, and I heard my children in the background thriugh his speakers. The mediator was disinterested and didn't even notice. When they got back on Monday they asked me why I'd said I don't believe it's in their best interests to live there when they said they wanted to - but what I actually said was something different that's been misinterpreted because they're kidsm But from that I know they were in the room. That's how sly he is and putting them in the middle of this. I know it's parental alienation but it's difficult to prove.

I've had a while to think about things now. I got some kind and helpful advice on here. I am focusing on ME and my life so I have something when they move out. I'm learning to drive with hand controls (I'm a wheelchair user), I had a self employment meeting at the Job centre, I got an accessible private allotment, joined a knit and natter group, joined a gym. I am going to find myself again. I'm not even sure he will succeed in his application but at least I'll be a better person for my children, not just a good mum.

I know exactly how you feel btw. I was so devastated I wanted to die. I didn't eat or sleep for days after they told me. Like my heart was ripped out. It will get better, I promise.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that.
I have not personaly lived this but a friend work colleague, with whom I spoke a lot with over her situation, and I saw it develop over years.
Her daughter and son did eventually come back, when they got old enough to realise that their dad was playing games and manipulating.
So I would say when she gets older she will.see him for who he is.It.might take time.
I expect you've had lots of.good advise here.
Keep going,stay in touch with her.
I hope.things improve soon.

Her father is not perfect! You know this, but she's not going to take what you say at face value. However, unless he has transformed she will learn what's wrong with him sooner or later.

No doubt your Ex is revelling in the fact that he's got one over on you and maybe he's making a huge fuss over her - for now. It's all too easy to imagine them living in this idyllic family set up, but I'll bet you it won't last. For a start there's a step mother, and I don't think there are many of them who would let a moody teenage girl come between her and her OH for long. DD will soon feel like the third wheel, and they will be only too happy for her to spend time with you.

It must be awful but cutting off contact would be the wrong thing. Pretend to them like fuck that it's okay, plan some treats for yourself and be patient.

Just hang in there, don’t mention the dad or his woman friend.
Be there, she will very likely be back. I imagine he’s being a bit Disney dad? Likely to impress new woman?

She will be back, keep it light, keep it loving, don’t let it get to you.

What I would say is to be a safe landing space for her. Be emotionally available. Be there.

Your post talks all about how you’ve provided financially for her and given her puppies and ponies and holidays. But that’s not what kids need.

They need trust and emotional stability and consistency. I’m not saying her dad is giving her that either, but could be she’s willing to try it out to see if it’s better.

My mum was very yes, yes, yes to all my desires. Exactly as you describe. Yes to puppies and horses and shopping trips and nice holidays and toys, toys, toys. But I had no stability or boundaries. Her emotions were very up and down. It was all about giving me nice things to make her feel less guilty for all the chaos of my home life when we lived with my dad and the divorce. It made her feel less anxious because she could control me with stuff. Eventually I got to an age where I saw through all the splashing of money and it was obvious that a lot of her (bad) decisions were about making her feel better about herself, not about what was best for me.

I am NC with my mum as an adult. Not for this reason. But I can see how it stemmed from these issues she had who was a child.

You don’t want to be that sort of parent. My advice would be to work on yourself, get some support, some therapy, and be that safe and nurturing spot for her to come back to. Don’t be buying her stuff. Just be there for her to talk to, but with safe firm boundaries.

@Feelslike0987 I hope you realise from the responses here that you’re not alone in this situation and you can talk to people who have gone through the same thing. If nothing else, you know it’s not just you.

OP I hear your pain. One of my daughters is struggling, and somehow I get all the blame even though I show up in every crisis - while dad travels as he pleases, but according to her can do no wrong.

It's very facile when people say 'you shouldn't expose your children to your problems with our partner'. Those problems will affect you, so they reach your children anyway, and how are you supposed to explain the state you're in? It's odd how things appear to conspire in such a way that in parenting, mothers are expected to put up with absolutely everything from their children and cope with useless coparents on their own.

That said, I think it's true that you've got to absorb the blows, keep communication open w/out appearing too needy, and let her explore her relationship with her dad.

Someone said up thread that it's time for you to live a little, now you're by yourself. I think that's a good angle. Try to look after yourself, to find some good in your new autonomy. She may one day respect you more for it.

Give it time. My daughter lived with her Dad and step-mum. I never complained or badmouthed him to her. She figured out for herself that he wasn’t up to much eventually, and we are really close now she is adult.

I know a few people this happened to and it was devastating, but the daughters came back. Just keep
dling your best. A text a week to say you love her and she is always welcome home forever or for five mins. A monthly door knock to try and see her, offers of trips out etc. she’ll be back but maybe not immediately.x x

I completely understand how you feel. The dynamics are different, but my daughter used to be my shadow and now she has a boyfriend (they've been together since she was 15) I barely get a look in. She spends most of her time at his - an hour away and is only home due to work commitments. She has just turned 17 and is still very much my baby girl, but it's been so hard losing her presence.

I did try to cling to her and used to get upset but I have learned that I get more from her the less I cling to her. I still have boundaries at home, and we are able to communicate without me getting upset. Everyone says she will come back emotionally, and I hope this is true.

When you get the chance to speak to her, tell her that she is welcome to come home at any point, but that you understand that her dad is still her dad, and that just because you and him had a bad relationship, youre glad he is showing he wants to be a dad now and you are really hopeful for her that this works out and she feels settled. That you miss her like mad, but that you understand why she feels she needs to restablish her relationship with that side of her family.
Tell her that you hope you will still be able to go on holiday together as usual

This must feel awful. I am so sorry

You’ve been an amazing parent to your child. You sound incredibly strong, focused and determined. Now you need to be her steadfast rock but in a different way.

To a much milder extent this is true of all teens. What works brilliantly when they’re 8 blows up in your face when they’re 14, and they can make you doubt yourself on every level. They play one parent off against the other at every opportunity.

You’re dealing with the exponential version, but I think you should re read your op because you have been absolutely awesome and I think you’ve got this. It’s not going to be easy, and it hurts like hell, but you need to keep being the safe, steady, reliable parent that she needs.