Just so sad - feels like DD is so far away. **MNHQ title tweak at request of OP**

[Feelslike0987]

DDs dad was emotionally and financially abusive and never took much more than a passing interest in DD, he made us poor intentionally which led to her neglect so i left for both our sakes when she was 6. I worked SO. HARD. to give her what she needed. I got work from home roles so i could do the school run and take her to clubs/riding lessons. She always had new uniform/clothes. I bought a big, gorgeous house with a garden near her dad's and the school she wanted to go to and gave her the biggest bedroom for playing and sleepovers with her friends. We had rabbits, puppies, i bought her a pony and did the hard work bits because she has a disability. Ive taken her on incredible holidays and tried to do exciting things to give her cool memories.

And absolutely none of it matters. She's always preferred her dad. Who did nothing but rot until his new wife/mother came along to take my place, funding and facilitating his lifestyle (he doesnt work). And now he's benefitted from his dad's death (always was his career plan) so i think DD just thinks im full of shit about the old days and how he was and has chosen to go and live with him at 13.

It happened suddenly and she's always been very cold and standoffish with me so i dont get ANY communication. She may as well have died. Everyone keeps saying its normal for moody teenagers. Sure. But its not NORMAL as a parent to go from fulltime parenting to zero contact overnight with a young teen. Theyre usually moody while they live with you, right? I'm supposed to just brush this off, give a tinkly laugh and go lunch with the girls apparently.

Of course I say nothing, I know it would be wrong/a waste of time. I dont want to punish her. But i have to do the last day of a course for work today and for the first time in my career im struggling with the content but it was a very expensive course so i have to go even though im upset and frankly, life feels like an empty hell :(

Anyone else been through this? Do they come back?

I feel for you OP, but take the advice on here. Don’t cut her off, always leave the door open, but leave her to find her own way. I’m sure you will have a good relationship with her, but this is a time for you to step back and let her make her own mistakes. There’s a lot of turmoil in her young head, too much for her to deal with and process at such a young age. In the meantime be a good role model as a mum, live your life, do whatever you want, move into the bigger room, redecorate it, whatever. Focus on yourself.

The dust will settle, she will with maturity see things more clearly, and you’ll reconnect. Right now accept it’s a part of the process of her growth. If you can manage to be calm and accepting, she won’t feel added pressure. You’re her mum, her only mum, and she needs understanding and love. Don’t resent what you did for her, the gifts etc., you did that through love. She’ll understand when she’s ready. I wish you well.

How long is a few years ago, she’s only 13 now? She was likely too young for a “factual” explanation or anything other than euphemistic terms.

She may have chosen not to believe it because she was too young to process negative feedback about him.

Either way I’m truly sorry this has happened, and suspect her departure is more to do with her choosing to blame you for the pain of the split, In time she will see that wasn’t your fault, regardless of her relationship with her dad.

This stuck out to me too. My mum did this about my dad constantly and it’s so damaging. Kids need connection with both parents and need to believe their parents are good and safe - that’s how we develop an internal sense of trust and safety. In a divorce situation there’s so much angst kids feel about split loyalties. Unless there’s abuse involved, you have to let them nurture a relationship with both parents on their own terms, and they soon figure out their parents’ flaws for themselves as they grow.

Tbh the focus of your post is strange, OP. It reads like you’ve been trying to buy her love all along and overworking to give her tonnes of material stuff, instead of focusing on the quality of your relationship. Unfortunately, painfully for you, she’s figured you out right now, regardless of whether she’s yet to figure her dad out.

I hear how much pain you’re in. It’s the hardest, worst thing to go through, but there’s so much gold in grief if you let yourself be cracked open by it. She hasn’t died, and you can use this as an opportunity to really question what matters in life and use those new values to build a better relationship with her. Not based on material stuff or what you need her to believe about her father, but based on real connection and taking time to understanding what she really needs.

I feel your pain @Feelslike0987. I split with my daughters dad when she was 3 weeks old after he assaulted me and broke a bone in my hand 3 weeks post Csection.
He'd disappear for years at a time, then do a few weeks then disappear again. I've always allowed contact because it's better to know than not to. He started constant weekend contact when she was 9. Well, if there wasn't anything else on.

So, 16 years of raising my baby girl alone and she comes home from school and said she's moving in with Dad, he's coming to pick her up.
Blindsided! I did absolutely lose it and break down.

I sank in to such a depression, I made plans to end my life. I honestly thought it would be okay week at Dad's, weekends here.

I haven't seen her for 6 months and I'm broken. We message and speak but she won't see me. She's had quite a charmed upbringing too thanks to her Nana, Nanas home abroad and Nana supporting me working etc.

I did every single nursery run, every single school run, every parents evening, every school assembly, production... And I've missed out on her doing her GCSEs and her prom.

Crying now, heh.

She's stopped contact again as she hadn't applied for any college or 6th form places. Most are closed now. So when I'm trying to help her, calling schools, sending links to ones available then apparently I'm being shitty and stressing her out.
Her Dad is a musician with nothing. He doesn't believe in qualifications, blah blah...

I've lost my role in life. Everything is so empty. There doesn't seem any point to anything. The house isn't a home anymore. I don't know how to adjust to life without her.

Here if you want to chat xx

May I PM you?

That sounds incredibly tough. Can you maybe get a small pet or find a female lodger to move in? To relieve your loneliness at home.

Of course you are both broken hearted. We pour so much time and love into our dc. It’s a tricky age and they are rebelling. All teens do this in some form or another. They need to become independent, and the closest relationships usually struggle the most in this period. It doesn’t have to be forever.

Go on holiday. Head to a festival. Remember what made you happy before children, who you were. See a counsellor a few times a week. Make time for decent friendships. It can and is likely to change.

She doesn’t believe you about his neglect of her in the old days because she doesn’t want to. It is devastating to be abandoned by your father. So please let her believe that he loves and wants her. You don’t have to lie. Just make sure that you never speak badly of him in front of her no matter how much you dislike him because it will backfire - as you have recently seen.

I have no other advice to give but there are some really wise women on MN who can help you.

I'm sorry to hear what has happened @Feelslike0987

I would be devastated too and of course you can't just move on and enjoy having more freedom. Your daughter sounds like she is behaving a bit brattish but she isn't a brat - she is very confused and after all, only 13 (a difficult age). It does sound like you and your ex buy her nice things to win her affection and unfortunately she is equating things with love. I understand your motives were kind - you sound a kind person who loves your daughter - and she will understand that one day but at the moment she's immature.

The best thing you can do is hide your intense hurt from her and your ex husband, it's not helping at the moment to show them your pain. I would talk about your feelings in a safe space, like with a counsellor.

Try to take some emotion out of it (in front of your daughter) but at the same time still be a loving mother to the extent they will allow it. Make it obvious that you will always be there for her and show no judgement for the (bad) choice she has made. She will realise in time that her dad isn't the great person she believes him to be right now. Let her find out in her own time and as long as you keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, she will be able to confide in you when she gains that maturity/understanding.

I'm sure your daughter will come back to you. But at the moment the best thing is probably to "let her go" with grace. Show your upset and rage (if you feel angry) to your counsellor, not to her or to your ex.

So so hard on you. I think follow what@BuddhaAtSea said. Look after yourself. Sharper than a serpents tooth, it is to have an ungrateful child xx

Your instincts are correct. Send her a daily text, even if it’s just a love heart. Keep trying to see her. Send or take her a gift.

This happened to my friend. The daughter came back after about 18 months and had been neglected very badly. The daughter has a sibling who sees the dad EOW. The daughter refuses to see her dad at all. Won’t even speak to him. It is so hard for children to make sense of things and to make good decisions.

@BuddhaAtSea this is perfect way to handle it. I’m so glad she came back to you and I’m sorry you went through this, and for you @Feelslike0987 must be horrendous.
Stay calm, stay loving. Always be there if she needs you. Time will make a big difference.

That must be incredibly painful.

She is a child, and they do stupid things for stupid reasons sometimes.

I would absolutely keep lines of communication open - not to pressure her or nag her, but to let her know you miss her, love her, and are available whenever she’d like to see you. It’s not so much about buying presents (sounds like she is ok for material things) as about staying in touch.

Have you spoken to the school? You still have PR, so make clear reports etc should still be coming to you.

I think you should go and have some really good counselling.
It sounds like you have always done the right thing for your daughter. It's galling to now have this happen.
Who knows what will happen but I think some professional help might help you process ans build up your resilience

Hi @Feelslike0987 and @strawberryjangle

I just wanted to say yous aren't alone. Like you both, my teen has also left. History of domestic abuse,.convictions and court orders in place. The last 15 years have been hell with her Dad and is never ending. She is 13 and i have done everything and more for her including protecting her from him. I am a few months in now but at first i also made plans to end my life, I still have my suicide note in my drawer. I was absolutely devastated to say the least. Felt like all the struggle over the years was for nothing. But then I started reading others stories and realised how common this is, especially where.the was/is domestic abuse and I suddenly didn't feel alone.

She has started to speak to me again but won't see me.

My advice is to look after you. Do things you have always wanted to do. Plan a break away, days out. Buy yourself skin care, make up - whatever you like and helps you feel good. Take care of your wellbeing - food/sleep/exercise. Put yourself first, probably for the first time.

I have no idea if my daughter will come back.or how things are going to go but I realise I still have my life to live. I miss her so much but for the first time since I had her, I have an opportunity to put myself first and this mindset has helped me massively.

💐 🫂 x

We are going though something similar. Best advice I had was to keep in touch. Keep texting even if you don’t get a reply. Keep asking how she is and if she fancies lunch/dinner, ask how her day was. As hard as it will be with no response.

There is a big difference between mad mouthing her dad and telling her the truth. She is growing and will understand relationships more, if she asks a question then answer it truthfully. But don’t bring up her dad unless she asks something.

It will get better. Your heart is breaking but I will get better x

You have worked so hard the last 9 years and done an amazing job. Now you have to work hard in a different way for a while as your DD goes through this phase of experimenting at being her 'fathers daughter'. She feels she has missed out. Not on mothering, but on fathering, and she's grabbing the chance, safe in the knowledge the mothering will be there if (when!) the grass isn't greener. Nothing can wipe out the foundations you've laid, but you need to carry on working to keep the structure stable. So yes. That does mean putting a game face on (tinkly laugh optional, but not recommended!) and giving her some space to experience her relationship with her dad. You carry on being her loving mum and be there to catch her if she falls. It's a big ask, but you've come so far and there's decades of relationship ahead for you with her so keep the faith and wait this out.

@Feelslike0987 feel for you and appreciate how much it must hurt. However, please could you get your thread title and content relating to the analogy of death edited. Contact MNet.

My lost child was buried after only a few hours of knowing him. Many other MNetters cope with bereavement relating to older children. There is no comparison. Please don't mix it with the pain of an estranged child who you will see again and watch them grow, pass their exams, graduate, marry, etc.

What are the work from home roles that take you from penniless to big house and ponies within 7 years?

I hear what you’re saying, but it’s ok here for OP to talk about her feelings - which are incredibly understandable. It’s good to have somewhere to do that and I sense she’s doing it here just so she doesn’t with her daughter.

Hi OP, my daughter is a similar age and this must be horrific for you. My attitude is that teenagers push boundaries, they are caught up in their own heads and can’t see beyond themselves to the effect their actions have on you (very generally!) - yes it is selfish but I believe it’s something about that part of the brain not developing yet. I had a difficult relationship with my mum as a teen so speaking a little from experience.

I would make sure that your daughter knows that you miss her/wish things were different (without laying in the guilt) and love her as it’s important she knows how you feel as well, that her actions do have an impact, but that you will respect her wishes and the door is open anytime she wants to come back or just for a dinner/lunch.

I’m sure once the novelty (and love bombing?) wears off from her dad then she will realise that life isn’t better living with him and she will need a way that she can come back to you without it wing too difficult.

what does her dad say about contact with you? Could you agree to share her living arrangements and present it as the best of both worlds?

Whats your relationship like in general with your daughter? It sounds like you have provided all the material things she could have want, but are you actually close?

As someone whose ex has been very similar to yours, this is very, very good advice. Hang in there. She will work it all out soon enough.

I'm so sorry to read this, OP. You could be my Mum describing our situation some 20-30 years ago. Now I'm older with my own kids, I finally "get" everything my Mum did for me and we are now much closer than I am to my Dad. But I won't pretend that it wasn't like that for a long time. Teenagers are fickle and have their own interests at heart. She'll come back. My advice would be to just try and see it from her side. Having divorced parents is so so hard, and she's choosing to get what she thinks she needs at this moment in time. Supporting her might just have to be a bit of a one way activity for a while. Even if you're not getting much back, you are still being a great parent!

l don’t see how being truthful about the way her ex treated both of them can be considered badmouthing. OP actually said her DD thought she was full of shit about the old days - that doesn’t necessarily mean OP has slagged off her ex to DD. It could well be as a result of DD talking to her dad about the things she remembers herself and him telling her something different to absolve himself.