Dd is coming home from university tomorrow and I’m so excited but ds isn’t because

[AgileTealSnake]

My Dd has graduated from university a week ago she studied English and I am very proud of her .

Ds is 13 and isn’t happy that she is coming home tomorrow he has been shouting at me constantly because he has to go back to share with 11 year old brother.
as she is coming back tomorrow he said why can’t she share with him I need my own room still I told him it’s because she is older than both of them and she needs privacy.

he said so do I I don’t want to share with him he is weird and he used all my stuff last time he goes on my phone and goes through my messages!!!I am not sharing with him end of story he said.

He has no choice I am not having his little brother share with his big sister in her 20s .

I don’t blame DS13, you seem wildly lacking in awareness and let the little one do whatever he likes. You got a bed where DS bangs his head every day because the little one wanted to sleep on the to and you didn’t want him “too high” and you let him get weed on every night every night for years! Why in earth do you not make the younger one sleep on the bottom so at least he has his own bed space up high, and tell the little one to share the tv on a schedule and read him the riot act about touching his brother’s stuff?

I get this has to happen, but you seem to be regarding your middle child as the nuisance for not being happy when actually you are taking the piss out of him. Poor kid.

I feel really sorry for your 13yo DS. The younger brother sounds a Nightmare and he’s having to share a tiny space with him.

Can DD not sleep in living room?

Are any of the rooms in the house big enough for the boys to share and subdivide ?

why is DD the priority?

The worst thing i read was ‘she’s the oldest’ because he will never be the oldest and you can’t change that.

My DD came home christmas easter summer holidays - where did your dd sleep then?

Where’s the 13 year olds dad? Is moving in with him an option, maybe he won’t be treated like crap there?

TBH, I feel his pain. Sharing a room is horrible. Not sure there's a way around it though.

It’s not the room sharing that’s the real problem here. It’s the fact that DS13’s needs have always been put last. Most parents would put the two sharing in the biggest bedroom but no, in this case, older sister has that.

It seems almost too bad to be true that the younger DS got to choose to sleep on the top bunk despite him not wanting to sleep too high meaning a low bunk set was bought and him wetting the bed regularly meaning wee dripped down (they must also be sleeping on very thin mattresses…)

If bunk beds have to be used as a long term solution it’s the norm for the older child to have the top bunk. Apart from anything else it gives them one space in the room that is away from the younger sibling.

It’s not the room sharing that has led to this issue. It’s the obvious putting last of the DS13’s needs. I suspect this poster isn’t genuine. I hope not.

You have my sympathy. Dd is now home from uni, and although we are lucky enough she has her own room we have ongoing drama about the amount of 'stuff' she has and doesn't want to part with. She has a large single wardrobe, a v large chest of drawers, 2 large drawers under her divan, a 2 x 2 kallax, and a small ottoman type thing.

She keeps telling me nothing fits, her clothes and art stuff and various other things. I keep reiterating that she has the space she has and to prioritise. There is no more space anywhere else in the house. And it wouldn't matter how much she had, she would fill it with stuff.

I think you need the same conversation with your dd. She gets the smallest room as a singe person. Everyone else is ssharing. That's how it is until they are financially independent enough to have their own place. They get a space in the family home and that's what they have.

Your ds's need to get used to sharing, but try for single beds rather than bunks if possible. There are some really good storage solutions under beds now, either cabin bed style with shelves and drawers, or lift up ones. Ds 11 needs to not fuck with ds 13 stuff. That needs to be a firm rule, with consequences if he breaks them. Ds 13 needs to understand that his brother is younger, and excited to share again and be a bit tolerant.

Id also ask dd that if she stays out, or is at work if ds13 can use her room for homework or chill time. Obviously there needs to be rules and respect. Or maybe he can go in your room for chill time, again with rules and respect in place.

Id also say the TV in their room is only to be on if they both want to watch something together. Rest of the time they use personal devices and headphones. Im with ds13 here. My ds who is also 11 watches the most amazing amount of crap on his and it would drive me insane.

Your dd also needs to remember she is an adult and needs to be contributing at home with a fair share of chores and paying board when she is able to. She also needs to get a job ASAP, even if it is not what she would ideally chose. She needs to be realistic about the current job market. Its not great.

Why the fuck wasn’t the younger son TOLD he was sleeping on the bottom bunk after him peeing on his brother ONCE? So what that the younger brother didn’t want to sleep on the bottom bunk? His brother’s need to not be pissed on surely trumps that? And why did the youngee’s want to be on the top, but not too high, trump his brother’s comfort and mean he can’t sit up in bed?

I’m hoping this is a reverse. Surely no mother can treat one child so badly in comparison to her other kids?

I am kind of hoping this is some strange rage bait or reverse. Because if not you treat your 13 year old appallingly!! So big sis gets the biggest room for all her stuff. He has to go back to sharing a room with little bro. Who got to chose the bed but it had to be perfect for 11yo not too big because he didn’t want to sleep too high but didn’t want the bottom?! So your poor 13 year old had to sleep in a bed he didn’t want and that physically injured him just for his brothers sake!!! Then YOU as a parent allow the youngest to take over the TV, touch his stuff and break a brand new PS5 (without consequence by the sounds)!! I have heard of favouritism but to hear it coming out of a parents mouth like this is crazy to me! Your DS will want nothing to do with you as an adult and I don’t blame him at all!

I am in the exact same position as you. I have a 20 year old DS home from uni and 2 DDs 14 and 7. My son does and has always had (since youngest DD was born) the smallest room and my DDs share the biggest they have their own beds in there and separate areas to themselves. You need to do better! Put your daughter in the smallest room give your sons the biggest and allow them separate beds and there own space in there.

Seriously?

I think this is a house with little respect and poor communication.

You need to discuss this as a family.

Your daughter needs to not be seen as the golden child. She will have to make sacrifices and compromises to live at home, and relinquish some stuff. Is there a grandparent or relative who can store some of it for a few months?

Your 11y needs boundaries and possibly less tech in his life. Has he been spoilt as the baby of the family?

Your 13y also needs boundaries re behaviour but he also needs to be listened-to. One to one. He needs you to understand. He sounds very resentful, probably rightfully so in some ways. The last thing the world needs is a 13y male growing up to be an angry young man one day.

Where is your bf in this? How do they get on with him?

Be very careful and work on communication in the family. This is about more than physical space.

This.

The 11yo smashed his brand new PlayStation and wees on him in the night?! Wtf. I wouldn’t want to share with him either!!!

The 13yo is ignored in the middle and made to bend to his siblings wills.

Honestly this site is a joke sometimes. People need to stop having more kids than they can handle

You need to find a way to make sleeping in the living room work for you. To anybody else this just reads as my daughters crap is more important than my son, my younger sons feelings are more important than my son and my boyfriend is more important than my son, what everyone else wants is more important. I bet that makes him feel really good.

Honestly @AgileTealSnake it wl be fine. I shared my whole life with my sister even when the older one left we still shared as she was coming back for holidays. We both shared since we were little and it's not that much of an issue at all. Ds13 needs to get you used to sharing things, his brother is only 11, so it's a 2 year gap which isn't bad at all. Don't feel bad your doing the best you can for all 3, it's not a requirement that they all have their own room. Just try to make them.comminicate better with each other, they're 11 and 13, they should be able to act like decent to each other if they have a tv. Which frankly they don't need, and I'd put the Xbox in the living room or something so they're not always in there. You shouldn't sleep on the sofa, that's ridiculous, just keep your room and stop being yourself up. There's nothing wrong with letting dd back to sleep there, it's the nice thing to do, and they need to respect that especially with the difficulty of renting etc. Sharing is not that big of a deal, they don't need dividers they are siblings who need to get better at communicating and dealing with things by themselves rather than getting their mum involved and acting like they're five. Make sure they have a desk to do any work and it will be fine, I had bunk beds for a while when me and my sister were this age in a smaller room before we moved. It's really not as bad as everyone is making out, you've done nothing wrong.

This must be a troll post. No one would treat their child like that.

Of course it is - the bedroom sharing arguments and other soap opera level mini-dramas are all too familiar (although the peeing is a new one) and I'm frankly amazed that MNHQ has let it run for four pages. Surely it's been reported several times by now?

I think being pissed on would be pretty awful. I would have hated to share a room and not something I would have considered suitable when deciding on the number of children we had.

Okay well things happen, people can expect to not go through hard time and suddenly you have no choice because even a 3 bed at times was too expensive. You can consider it but you don't know everything that will happen and at times having a place to live was better than homelessness even though sometimes that place to live was infested in cockroaches and other insects it was the only place they could find for us. So no I don't think it's really a priority to ensure everyone has their own room, and lots of people I know think the same because thats what they've always done during their childhood (in fact not mant of my friends had their own rooms ever and almost always shared their whole lives). What I do think is bad is the behaviour of the 11yo buts that's not dependent on sharing or not sharing, they can and should make their own boundaries and get better at sorting out their fights. However, I think hopefully the 11yo gas gotten a lot better since then and it's likely fine. Siblings fight and hate each other at some points, me and my sister did, but we worked it out and grew up and we had to because we lived in a shared space so we made better boundaries and communicated more and still shared some of our things we the other. Frankly I think it taught us a lot over many years to have to compromise with each other and communicate and at some point we had late night conversations and memories which were actually really cute in between the fights etc, and we had a 4 year age gap and even then it was mostly fine.

If you think that objecting to making a child sleep in a bed that's too small for him; objecting to making him share with another child who destroys his things and PEES on him; and just generally not caring about him in favor of the other two children in the household, one of whom is an adult, makes one a perfect parent, then your bar for perfect parenting is extremely low.

@Radioundermypillow she's not 18 and just out of school. She's graduated from university. She should have a job lined up! And ideally, yes, she should still be able to come home. But OP has 2 other younger children. Their needs come first. They have school. They can't work. They can't support themselves.

And I didn't say kick the girl out. But if she's is not capable of earning money, she should get the sofa, not boot her little brother out

Why on earth should she sleep on the sofa in her own home?

Because her teen brother also needs his own space. I suggested sofa on P1 when I thought it was just the Summer but she's back for good.
Bed 1 OP and her boyfriend
Bed 2 Older son should have been allowed to stay put
Bed 3 Younger son stays in bunks or a new single

The 21year old DD, saving up for her own place, converts the lounge into a fourth bedroom.
If moving out soon, a sofabed would work. If not, convert the lounge.